We’re Watching You!

A new breed of cinema usher is being trained to crackdown on the increasing threat of movie piracy. Armed with nightvision goggles and metal detectors, this crack division of SAS-style screen attendant aims to root out potential pirates in the dark and escort them from the premises in a kung fu grip. These cinema Gestapo are being unleashed this weekend on the juvenile (and therefore most likely delinquent) audiences of Disney's Finding Nemo. A security firm has been contracted to prowl the screens in selected US cinemas and put the kibosh on any miscreant detected with a video camera or other pirate-friendly equipment. "Most people think the extra security is just for terrorism reasons," security guard Robert Kendrick told the BBC. But given the proliferation of the pirate copy of The Matrix Reloaded across the Internet, video piracy could be the bigger threat, at least as far as the studios are concerned. Rather than patrolling the aisles like popcorn-vending ninjas, the guards will monitor screenings in 25-minute shifts, keeping an eye out for the telltale sign of cameras. The goggles enhance the glow of such equipment, making it ripe for seizure and the administration of punitive action. Given early field tests during screenings of X-Men 2 and Down With Love these elite anti-piracy operatives will set out to keep Disney's latest off the Net and, if things work out, may soon become a regular fixture at your local multiplex.