This week, in cinemas: a mysterious post-apocalyptic bunker in 10 Cloverfield Lane; a mysterious 1970s tower block in High-Rise; and a mysterious haunted house in The Boy.
10 Cloverfield Lane
★★★★
What it’s about: J.J. Abrams has been up to his old tricks again, pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes and ears while we weren’t looking, with this sort-of-but-not-really-sequel to 2008’s Cloverfield. As before, he’s only producing this alien-inhabited thriller, and as before, it’ll keep you guessing right to the end.
What we thought: “Winds you tighter and tighter before its secrets come tumbling out in a cathartic finale.”
High-Rise
★★★★
What it’s about: An adaptation of the “unfilmable” novel by J.G. Ballard, none-more-prolific director Ben Wheatley heads to the 1970s for a dark, nihilistic satire. Tom Hiddleston gets naked in this, which for most Hiddlestoners is all the information they needed to know.
What we thought: “Batshit crazy.”
Risen
★★★
What it’s about: Game Of Thrones meets The Passion Of The Christ in this swords-and-sandals mystery about the sudden disappearance of Jesus Christ, from the perspective of a skeptical Roman tribune. Tom Felton plays a soldier named Lucius in this. Currently unclear if his surname is ‘Malfoy’.
What we thought: “It has its moments, but it blows the interesting premise too early for an overlong, overly religious finale.”
Norm Of The North
★
What it’s about: Essentially, a cheap Ice-Age/Happy Feet/Madagascar knock-off. Just look at that star rating. Oof.
What we thought: “We wouldn’t recommend you watch it even after you’ve burned through every other possibility – and that includes a blank screen.”
Rock The Kasbah
★
What it’s about: After years of appearing in low-budget arthouse realist dramas, Bill Murray makes a much-trumpeted return to comedy, playing a rock promoter who introduces a Pop Idol-style competition to Afghanistan. Sadly, Shareef – and our reviewer – don’t like it.
What we thought: “This dud is confused to its core.”
The Boy
What it’s about: This follows in the grand tradition of creepy haunted toys: think Chucky, Annabelle, Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker. Lauren Cohan stars in the lead, which will confuse and enrage fans of The Walking Dead. "Why are you flirting with that man? What will Glenn think?" they'll cry.