Zombies, eh? You can’t live with ‘em and you can’t kill ‘em - largely because they’re already dead (bastards thought of everything). The best hope, as this week’s Juan Of The Dead proves, is to keep as far beyond their mouldy reach as possible, boink a few on the head and pray for science to save the day. Tread softly and carry a big cricket bat, as the man might say. Or, failing that, take a leaf out of Columbus’ book in Zombieland and “follow the rules”. So what are the rules? Columbus has a few and so do we. Read them and then tuck them into your pocket, because one day those shufflers on your morning commute really *will *be zombies.
Warning: zombie readers please note that our undead definition includes all strains of undead and multiple apocalyptic scenarios. Don’t bite us for including zombie minority groups and the “Rage infected”.
Once%20you%E2%80%99ve%20armed%20yourself%20to%20the%20teeth%20(remember:%20no%20colanders!),%20the%20next%20thing%20to%20think%20about%20is%20clothing.%20There%E2%80%99s%20no%20dress%20code%20for%20the%20zombie%20apocalypse%20%E2%80%93%20probably%20%E2%80%98fetid%20casual%E2%80%99%20at%20a%20push%20%E2%80%93%20but%20protective%20attire%20can%20be%20the%20difference%20between%20life%20and%20death,%20so%20it%E2%80%99s%20worth%20thinking%20about.%20A%20pair%20of%20glasses%20or%20goggles%20would%20have%20saved%2028%20Days%20Later%E2%80%99s%20Frank%20(Brendan%20Gleeson?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Note,%20as%20clever%20Will%20Smith%20does%20in%20I%20Am%20Legend,%20that%20the%20difference%20between%20a%20quiet%20night%20in%20with%20the%20dog%20and%20a%20messy%20vampire%20deathmatch%20can%20be%20as%20little%20as%20a%20flicked%20light%20switch%20or%20a%20whiff%20of%20scent.%20Then%20again%20(SPOILER!?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Remember%20that%20zombies%20first%20surfaced%20via%20dark%20voodoo%20freakery%20that%20would%20give%20even%20Live%20And%20Let%20Die%E2%80%99s%20Baron%20Samedi%20%E2%80%93%20not%20a%20real%20baron%20%E2%80%93%20a%20headache,%20and%20avoid%20the%20Caribbean%20like%20the%20plague%20during%20the%20apocalypse.%20All%20those%20chilled%20vibes%20and%20pi%C3%B1a%20coladas%20are%20frak-all%20use%20when%20you%E2%80%99re%20being%20chased%20by%20a%20liver-spotted%20zombastard%20who%20wants%20your%20spleen%20on%20a%20water%20biscuit.%20Haiti%20is%20especially%20off-limits%20%E2%80%93%20just%20ask%20the%20cast%20of%20Jacques%20Tourneur%E2%80%99s%201942%20shuffleathon%20I%20Walked%20With%20A%20Zombie%20and%20Bela%20Lugosi%E2%80%99s%20White%20Zombie.%20Also%20on%20our%20no-go%20list%20are%20Braindead%E2%80%99s%20Skull%20Island%20(like%20you%E2%80%99d%20need%20a%20reason%20not%20to%20visit%20a%20place%20called%20Skull%20Island?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Probably%20not,%20but%20unless%20you%20actually%20are%20Snake%20Plissken,%20best%20find%20a%20group%20of%20pals%20to%20watch%20your%20back.%20If%20you%E2%80%99re%20lucky,%20it%E2%80%99ll%20be%20the%20fun-loving%20folk%20of%20bonkers%20B-movie%20Big%20Tits%20Zombie,%20rather%20than%20the%20corrupt%20denizens%20of%20Land%20Of%20The%20Dead.%20If%20you%E2%80%99re%20really%20lucky%20it%E2%80%99ll%20be%20Zombieland%E2%80%99s%20Twinkie-loving%20Tallahassee%20(Woody%20Harrelson)%20and%20the%20shifty-but-still-Emma-Stone-like%20Wichita%20(Emma%20Stone?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
Trust%20us,%20you%20really%20don%E2%80%99t%20want%20this,%20so%20keep%20some%20pyrotechnics%20handy%20(zombies%20love%20a%20good%20fireworks%20display?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
try%20to%20cure%20cancer%20but%20instead%20stumble%20upon%20the%20ultimate%20good-news/bad-news%20story%20in%20movie%20science%20(%E2%80%9CWell,%20we%E2%80%99ve%20cured%20the%20people%20with%20cancer;%20the%20bad%20news%20is%20that%20we%E2%80%99ve%20killed%20everyone%20else%E2%80%9D?auto=format&w=1440&q=80)
