Let’s be honest, as fun as greetings cards are – sometimes, honestly, they really, really are – they’ve got nothing on a real, actually, genuine present. No, this doesn’t include gift vouchers, and no, another tie won’t cut it this year. So this time around on June 19, let’s actually celebrate your geeky movie-loving dad’s existence with some high-quality pieces of movie merchandise that’ll make his day, week, month, year. Go on, you know he’s worth it. And if he’s not, well, you’re probably going to want this stuff yourself – trust us on that one…
Useful for: Waking you up; searching under your bed for droids (N.B. Tatooine dewbacks not included).
Perfect for: Star Wars-themed practical jokes.
Also available: Darth Vader LEGO Minifigure Alarm Clock
When it comes to Star Wars-affiliated gadgetry, gizmos and other general junk, it often feels like the original spark of merchandising brilliance has been lost somewhere in Skywalker Ranch – perhaps under a ceremonial Ewok floor rug or a robotic Wookie’s foot.
The solution? Mixing everyone’s favourite space opera with another family favourite, LEGO. Cue some genuinely entertaining computer games, trucks and trucks and trucks of sci-fi-themed brickery, and now... this: an alarm clock in the shape of a LEGO stormtrooper. As well as looking pretty ludicrous/awesome (delete as appropriate), it also wakes you up – always handy in an alarm clock, we find. And as a special added bonus for Pops, all you need to do it get it to “Snooze” is whack its big plastic bonce down. Ever-so-satisfying, that.
Here are a few things we know about the once-fictional-but-now-somehow-real cologne that is “Sex Panther”:
- It's illegal in nine countries.*
- It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.*
- 60% of the time, it works... every time.*
- It’s a formidable scent – it really stings the nostrils.+
- It smells like a used diaper full of Indian food.*
- It smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.*
It smells like... Bigfoot’s dick.*
- Kind of true.
It’s a shame that this aftershave doesn’t come in the same shape bottle as the one in the movie, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers – and besides, what do you care? You’re probably covered in incredibly attractive women right now... what does it matter if it’s not the right shape bottle? Plus, might we add, that that is one nice moustache, sir.
Just looking at it makes you want to grunt, bounce on your feet and punch the air wildly, doesn’t it? Failing that, you’ll probably want to run to the top of the nearest flight of stairs and leap for joy – and if you’re really dedicated, get a cab to your local slaughterhouse and pound a cow carcass or two.
So imagine how it would feel... to actually own one? Or for your Dad to, at least, and for you to borrow it occasionally and pose in front of the mirror? That’s right, awesome. We’ll have two, one for him, one for ADDDDDDDRIEN!
Useful for: Appearing mysterious, pretending to move things with your mind.
Perfect for: Proving to the census guys that you really are a practising Jedi Knight.
Also available: A Sith bathrobe. Naturally.
The key to any good bathrobe – especially a Jedi bathrobe – is having a hood so large, so looming, so goshdarn menacing that other people should be barely able to see your face under all that excess, mysterious material.
Oh, and the sleeves should also be extra-baggy to fit your Force-wielding hands in, as well as being useful for mopping up any milk you’ve spilt out of your bowl of Coco Pops mid-Clone Wars episode. Come on, we’ve all been there.
Price: $19.99 (so bear in mind postage)
Useful for: Baking Millennium Falcon-shaped cookies, wicked cool puppet shows.
Perfect for: “Swallowing” said Millennium Falcon-shaped cookies.
Also available: That £600 LEGO Millennium Falcon you’ve always dreamed of.
An oven mitt? In the shape of the space slug that eats the Millennium Falcon? That has a tiny little drawing of Han Solo’s ship in its mouth? Yet another wish-I’d-thought-of-that-and-had-the-rights-to-Star-Wars situation, right?
And you thought we were done with Star Wars-related paraphernalia in this Father’s Day gift guide... Seriously, though, we are. Harrison Ford might pop up again, but this is the last piece of Star Wars junk we’ll suggest you buy your dad. Honest, honest. Honest.
Useful for: Looking seriously, stupidly, worryingly cool.
Perfect for: Playing Frisbee, hiding snakes in.
Also available: The Indiana Jones Sound FX Whip – N.B. the whip looks like long, floppy, wooden sausage.
If you go down your local fancy dress shop, there’s bound to be plenty of Indiana Jones-themed nonsense to buy, from £5 whips to £10 hats, but this baby – oh me oh my – this baby’s the real deal. Okay, not the real, real deal, but a deal real enough to warrant a $99.99 price tag and feature “fur felt” (whatever that is).
But what are we doing here, trying to sell this hat to you? It’s Indy’s hat! That Indy wears! That you can wear! In real life! This is going to make your dad silly happy, and you know it.
Useful for: Pushing around while you make tyre screeching / lightning / fire noises.
Perfect for: Leaving at the bottom of the stairs to cause some serious sci-fi themed carnage.
Also available: This hoverboard replica – note: it doesn’t actually hover. Bummer.
Almost all of the suggestions we have here for your geeky Father’s Day presents have had some sort of real, practical use – be they as alarm clocks, dressing gowns or means of keeping your fingers nice and not-burnt when you’re cooking some nice baked space slug of an evening.
This one, however, is totally 40-Year-Old-Virgin’s-room-full-of-unopened-geekery pointless. And at the risk of being incredibly presumptuous, we’re guessing your dad’s not one of those... but he may be interested in this bad boy. Mainly because it lights up. And stuff.
A 1/12th of the size of the actual time travelling supercar, it cannot transport you, or anything 1/12th of the size of you, back in time, but it glows, looks cool, and will make a perfect accompaniment to your already no-doubt heaving coffee table. Sorry, your dad’s coffee table. Not yours, definitely not yours. Ahem.