How NOT To Conquer Planet Earth

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The third rock from Sol is home to an unpleasant species of bipedal apes who are mostly fixated on destroying their planet and killing each other. They call themselves ‘humans’, and woe betide anyone who pays them a visit. It usually ends in explosions. These humans have fought extraterrestrial species of every imaginable kind in almost every imaginable scenario and, despite their horrendous failings, always seem to win. Why? Those they couldn't beat with raw brawn or heavy weaponry were overcome with cunning and terrible malice. So, possible visitors, here’s a list of some of the tactics they’ve employed so far. If you come in peace (which is probably a bad idea) you may wish to read this guide instead – but if conquest is your aim, here are some previous pitfalls.

The Example: War of The Worlds

One thing that humans have going for them is the immense army of malevolent microbial assassins that share their planet. This insidious microscopic army includes ebola, the plague, and the common cold, all of which cause the humans significant amounts of trouble – or did, until the filthy creatures started washing and developed penicillin and a half-decent medical system, damn them.

Sadly, the microbes also keep busy killing off any new species that tries to ‘visit’ the humans. One such species, from the neighbouring red world of Mars, thought they'd be able to bypass the microbe party. They almost did, quickly prevailing in a conflict thanks to their advanced war machines and using humans as fertilizer (HA!). But eventually they succumbed to Terran bugs (with some encouragement from human projectile weaponry), drained and coughing up blood. So very sad, and so close.

The Examples: Alien Nation, Signs

Please be aware, visitors, that 70% of the Earth’s surface is covered in water, and that human beings themselves are essentially made of the stuff. If you are in any way allergic to H2O, frankly we’d recommend going elsewhere to avoid faux pas. The bother involved in processing human flesh to remove the water and make it safe to eat also makes them a poor source of food for the hydro-allergic.

What’s more, one of the unpleasant things about these humans is that when aggravated, they tend to sweat or spit on you. Aside from being horrendous and uncivilized behaviour per se, this is also dangerous to those hydrophobic species here in the galactic community.

The Example: Mars Attacks

A lesser-known Earth weapon, this, but one that is no less perilous for visitors. There is an Earthling called Slim Whitman, who makes a form of organized sound called ‘music’ – which for some reason, humans are very fond of – and which can be permanently stored and reproduced by humans in a variety of ways. He is lethal to certain species, particularly certain big-brained Martians.

Though humans appear physiologically immune to his keening wail (if barely), we have heard tales of the cranial cavities of alien species being destroyed after mere seconds of contact with his vocalisations. It sounds amusing, but not if you have a large green brain and go “Ack” a lot. Stay away or arm yourself with really top-level shielding.

The Example: James T Kirk, Star Trek

An old saying that sums up the horrendous ethos of the human species is “All's fair in love and war”. Captain Kirk is one of humanity’s most revered and beloved spacefaring skirt-chasers. He’s had his way with many an attractive alien and some humans too. He’s not too discriminating.

Part of his annoyingly successful career comes from the political manipulation of various scenarios using sex, even though sex with humans is of course, completely disgusting and we cannot possibly fathom why anyone would consent to it. The universe is a strange and incomprehensible place at times.

Funnily enough, most of the people Kirk has attempted to procreate with were scientists. We imagine that he was trying to mate with more intelligent species in the hope of breeding out humanity’s native stupidity. This of course, is impossible.

The Example: District 9, Alien Nation

Another way that humans have rid themselves of many an alien species is to introduce them to the brutal combination of their inadequate hospitality and obsession with bureaucracy. A few years of this would be enough to drive any alien species to mass suicide. Think District 9, with the tactfully orchestrated 'prawn' districts mired in poverty, starvation and degradation, or the ill-advised attempts at integration in Alien Nation.

We do not recommend that any visiting species try to actually co-exist peacefully with humans on their homeworld. It’s not worth the effort of filling in those endless forms and overcoming humanity’s deep-seated xenophobia.

The Example: Battlefield Earth, Independence Day

OK, so the human story known as Battlefield Earth is so hilariously bad that it almost warrants another invasion of earth on ethical grounds, but we're going to use it for example nevertheless.

Here the Psychlos (who have actually managed to enslave humanity for a few centuries) are overcome by their own stupidity in underestimating human cunning. The humans, although primitive, keep stealing artifacts of the occupiers' advanced technology and, by no massive leap of cognition, decide to turn them on their captors. It also helps that said humans happen to dig up gruesome relics from their own history, such as thermonuclear warheads (which, unsurprisingly they use to great effect later on, sending a few to the Psychlo home world – with predictable results). But don’t get discouraged about all the previous species’ failures. Just because it hasn’t worked yet, doesn’t mean we should give up. We’ll get them in the end, especially now that we know what not to do…

The Example: Independence Day

It's a strange fact, but true, that humanity's myriad of computer operating systems are - by some weird stroke of intergalactic fate - compatible with 90% of alien technologies. Yes, no matter how far advanced your hive ship is, no matter how superior to human technology it might be, it almost certainly run on the same operating system as Jeff Goldblum's 1996 laptop. And while you might think that your firewalls are secure, they will prove no match for any computer virus that humanity can create.

Of course, a large part of the reason for this is that no species but humanity would ever dream of creating anything as useless as a computer virus, but then they are not considered a plague on the galaxy for nothing. We advise protecting your network with passwords and generally adopting humanity's own security measures against any computer-based attacks before visiting Earth.