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Classic Scene #60: Postcards From The Edge

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TED THE GOFER: I have just the thing to cheer you up. The producer’s coming to see you. One of the producers.

SUZANNE: How many are there?

TED THE GOFER: Three. The father, the son and the Holy Ghost...

SUZANNE: Which one am I endearing myself to today?

TED THE GOFER: The (He is suddenly interrupted)...

PIERCE (Beaming): Anybody home?

TED THE GOFER: Morning, Sir!

PIERCE (Ignoring Ted): Hi, Joe Pierce. Just came by to welcome you aboard. Boy, any more people in here, we’re gonna need a lubricant, huh? Heh heh heh heh! (Looks at Ted) Hey, Ted, thanks a lot, we’ll see ya out there (Pushes him out of the trailer). (To his associate, under his breath) Rob, Rob, get the door please will ya? (To Suzanne) Er, Suzanne, this is my agent Rob Sonenfeld. He came by to, er, make sure that we’re all... AOK.

SUZANNE (Baffled): Well, nice to see you.

PIERCE: Yeah, we just came by to say hi, make sure that everything’s up to snuff...

SUZANNE (More baffled): Yeah. Everything’s great.

PIERCE (Getting straight to the point): And we’re gonna need a drug screen.

SUZANNE: Excuse me?

PIERCE: Er, I... I, it’s not for us. I mean, we’re not worried about you at all. It’s the damn insurance company. They just won’t cover you without a screen.

SUZANNE: I see.

PIERCE: Gotta understand, we’re behind you a hundred per cent, it’s just... it’s a formality of the business.

SUZANNE (Dripping sarcasm): Yeah, I understand totally... So. Do you want blood or urine?

PIERCE (After an embarrassed pause): I think urine would be fine.

SUZANNE (After another embarrassed pause): Do you have a little cup or something, I can put it in?

PIERCE: Oh, er, don’t worry ‘bout that, we’ll just have a nurse come by and, er, pick that up from you later... (Long, long pause) Well, hey! It’s great to get together and have this little chat. We’re gonna leave you and you know, and do what you have to do, and, er, we’ll see you outside okay? (To Rob Sonenfeld) Okay, go, go, go! (To Suzanne) Have fun!