05.02 And That's All She Wrote, Folks!
Suddenly, it's all over. Martin: "The show has now gone on so long that Avatar now takes place in the past." Wait, it's over already? Wow, it's over already. We're totally back to Sky witterings instead of still in the Kodak. We're a bit shell-shocked. Looks like that's it for another year. The Hurt Locker took six overall, the expected winners generally won, and that was one of the least surprising ceremonies in history. Still, I did find it entertaining: Martin and Baldwin played off each other well, some of the presenters were kinda funny at times, and the people who won seemed nice. Of course, that could be the sugar and caffeine talking. And with that, I'm off to bounce off the walls - good night, and good luck!
04.58 Tom Hanks presents BEST PICTURE
Says Hanks, who seems to be in a hurry: "The last time ten films were nominated for Best Picture was 1943. The world was at war and Casablanca took home the grand prize". And the winner is...THE HURT LOCKER. YAY! The cast are arm-in-arm onstage, Renner's going bananas, and I'm feeling quite smug cause I've been saying that for a while now.
Boal: "This has been a dream beyond a dream. We had this fantasy of making our film our way, and hopefully we would find a distributor and somebody might like the movie. This was truly, honestly never something we imagined in our wildest dreams. Thank you for honouring us beyond anything we could have imagined."
Bigelow: "I was just going to reiterate that with the producers who took a very brave shot with this movie. Perhaps one more dedication to men and women all over the world who wear a uniform. Not just the military but hazmat, emergency, firemen. They're there for us, and we're there for them."
04.52 Barbra Streisand presenting BEST DIRECTOR
Streisand: "From among the five gifted nominees tonight, the winner could be, for the first time, a woman. Or it could be, also for the first time, an African-American. Or one of three directors who brought their own script to life onscreen, one of which has become the most successful movie ever made." Well I know what I'm hoping for - and given that noted feminist and liberal Streisand is presenting, that might be a sign.
And the winner is...KATHRYN BIGELOW! HOORAY FOR THE LADIES! She's gathering herself.
"This really is the moment of a lifetime. First of all, this is so extraordinary to be in the company of my fellow nominees, such powerful filmmakers who have inspired me and who I have admired for decades. I would not be standing here if it wasn't for Mark Boal, who risked his life for the words on the page, and wrote such an incredible screenplay. I was fortunate enough to have an extraordinary cast to bring that to life. I had an extraordinary group of collaborators in my crew. I'd like to dedicate this to the women and men in the military who risk their lives on a daily basis around the world, and may they come home safe."
04.39 BEST ACTRESS
It's a montage of Best Actress bits, and no doubt more praise. Brace yourselves. Here's Michael Sheen, Peter Sarsgaard, Forest Whitaker, Oprah Winfrey and Stanley Tucci.
In summary, "Beautiful, strong, talented, never afraid, hot (specific to Helen Mirren), tattooed (ditto), adorable (Gabourey)." Sidibe's crying a little as Oprah salutes her, and we guess that's what they're going for with all these speeches. Stanley Tucci accuses Meryl Streep of "unseemly selfishness" in the area of awards, claiming to have launched a campaign to cap the maximum number of Oscar nominations at 16. We don't believe him.
And here's Sean Penn to deliver a confused and confusing intro and tell us that the winner is...SANDRA BULLOCK for The Blind Side. Naturally. She seems not quite to believe it, and heads straight for Streep. The crowd are upstanding. She's nearly in tears.
"Did I really earn this or did I just wear you all down? I would like to thank the Academy to allow me an incredible life in the last month and meet artists that I would love to work with. Gabourey, you are exquisite. Carey, your beauty makes me sick. Helen, I feel like you and I are family. Meryl, you are such a good kisser. I have so many people to thank for my great good fortune. To the Twohy family for giving me the opportunity to do something different, to everyone who's shown me kindness when it wasn't fashionable, thank you. To those who were mean to me - George Clooney threw me in a pool years ago, and I still have a grudge. Thank you to the parents, the mothers who look after babies no matter where they come from. I want to thank my mum for not letting me ride in cars with boys until I was 18, for making me practice every day, for reminding her daughters that there is no race, no class, no sexual orientation that makes us better than anyone else, thank you. I want to thank you for the opportunity that I share with these extraordinary women and my lover Meryl Streep." Her husband's in tears too - and he has tattoos.
04.20 BEST ACTOR
It's a montage of Best Actor bits (but not rude bits. That would be rude. And wrong). Then Tim Robbins, Vera Farmiga, Colin Farrell, Julianne Moore and Michelle Pfeiffer (gorgeous red one-shoulder dress there) appear to salute the nominees. Oh dear. These tributes are cringe-inducing even when we agree with all the nice things being said. We're just too English to listen to this stuff without physical pain. Even though I'm not actually English, I'm still too English.
Let me just sum up, so you're not tempted to endure the replay: "Jeff / George / Colin / Jeremy / Morgan is extremely talented, a lovely person, and was nice to me on set." If Tim Robbins or Colin Farrell, add in a quick funny ("Morgan, I'm always proud to call you my friend, when you take the call." / "Jeremy, I think we shared a bed that night, even a pillow. But before any rumours start, it was just spooning.")
Hey, anyone else twigged that they're doing Best Actor before Best Actress? Usually it comes after, doesn't it?
Now here's Kate Winslet (and that's a hell of a diamond necklace) to actually present the thing! And the winner is...JEFF BRIDGES of course. The crowd goes wild!
"Thank you, Academy members! Mum and Dad, hey look! Haha! Wooo! Thank you, Mum and Dad, for turning me on to such a groovy profession. They loved show business so much. My mum would get us kids to entertain at her parties, my dad sat me on the bed to teach me the basics of acting for Sea Hunt. This is honouring them as much as it is me. I want to thank Scott Cooper, our wonderful director, for his knowledge of film and country music, and for his ability to instil self-confidence in his actors. Where are you? Raise your hand, man! Yeah! T-Bone Burnett and Steven Bruton for bringing those wonderful musicians to the party, man. And my wonderful team that's kept me together. I especially want to thank my gorgeous wife Sue. We've been married 33 years, we have a beautiful family, three girls. Thank you guys. I wouldn't be up here without you. Thank you so much!"
04.18 Kathy Bates presents Avatar.
Well, she was in Titanic. There was another nice little Martin/Baldwin bit, but it was hard to transcribe so I didn't. Hey, it's 4.19. But Martin asked Baldwin about being nominated, and on being reminded that Baldwin didn't win, responded, "Ha! That's funny". Hmm. Maybe you had to be there.
04.14 Pedro Almodovar and Quentin Tarantino present BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Martin: "We were confused when we were asked to introduce our next presenters, Pedro and Quentin, because those are our pet names for each other." We have to note that both Tarantino and Almodovar are a bit mad, but they love each other madly so it sort of works. And the winner is...EL SECRETO DE SUS OJOS (wow, the Argentinian one I missed. And everyone else too. Poor A Prophet)
"It is on behalf of a crew and cast that comprise mostly of people that I love and are close to my heart that I want to thank the Academy for not considering Na'vi a foreign language, first of all, and for giving us three wonderful days in LA with wonderful filmmakers as well."
04.09 Keanu Reeves talks The Hurt Locker
Is it wrong that we mentally inserted a "Wow" after Johnny Utah's Keanu's well-delivered teleprompted speech? Yes? OK, sorry Cool Breeze. We love ya anyway.
04.05 Tyler Perry presenting BEST FILM EDITING
Perry: "They just said my name at the Oscars. I better enjoy it because it'll probably never happen again!" And the winner is...THE HURT LOCKER.
"This is definitely the night to be here: a tribute to horror films, Roger Corman and my wife!"
"Thank you to Kathryn Bigelow and our amazing cast and crew"
"Thank you to the Academy for giving this to a film made without compromise" Cute: the married couple who cuts together stays together.
04.01 Matt Damon presents BEST DOCUMENTARY
Baldwin: "Our next presenter won an Oscar for Screenwriting at the age of 27, and then became an action star, marking the first time in Hollywood a screenwriter has got any action: Matt Damon."
And the winner is...THE COVE. Save the dolphins, y'all!
Fisher Stevens: "I just want to say it was an honour to work on this film and try to make an entertaining film that also enlightens everybody." Hey, he's the bad guy from Hackers!
03.57 Jason Bateman talks Up In The Air
"Up in the Air gave me the chance of a lifetime, to boss George Clooney around". Clooney is headpopping to the incidental music. Could he be any more adorable?
03.54 Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper presenting OUTSTANDING VISUAL EFFECTS
And the winner is...(well, it's Avatar, isn't it? Seriously) AVATAR. (Honestly)
"Thank you. On behalf of all of us, Avatar is about learning to see the world in new ways, and for that I have to thank our director James Cameron and Jon Landau. To our cast, thank you for trusting us with your performances; I know that can't have been easy. To everyone watching, remember that the world we live in is just as amazing as the one we created for you."
03.46 Sam Worthington and Jennifer Lopez for BEST SCORE
The intro's proper teleprompter stuff. Except that the nominees are going to be celebrated through the medium of streetdancing, with the "Legion of Extraordinary Dancers". It's interpretive dance! Sherlock Holmes is up first, with lots of dramatic red lighting and bouncing about. Now they're dance-fighting! It's turning blue, getting slower and it's The Hurt Locker. More body popping as they mock-knock each other over.Then the more whimsical flipping and spinning for Fantastic Mr Fox (orange lighting). Now it's Up, told through the medium of clockwork Chitty Chitty style movement. We might cry again. It has that effect on us. And now it's all become frenzied and a bit 'tribal' again for Avatar. White lights not blue, though: controversial. Wait, I take it back: two people are spinning around on their heads. Full marks!
And the winner is...UP! HOORAY!
Giacchino: "Thank you guys. When I was 9 I asked my dad for his movie camera, and he goes, "Sure, take it". I started making movies and being as creative as I could. And never once did my parents tell me it was a waste of time. I know there are kids out there who don't have that support system, so listen to me: it's not a waste of time. If you want to get out there, do it! It's not a waste of time!" Most inspirational speech so far.
03.37 Demi Moore presenting the Obituaries
"This is the moment we take pause to celebrate life as we honour those we've lost."
The honour roll this year:
Patrick Swayze, Jean Simmons, Tullio Pinelli, Eric Rohmker, David Carradine, Gareth Wigan, Daniel Melnick, Howard Zieff, Dom DeLuise, Army Archerd, Ron Silver, Brittany Murphy, Lou Jacobi, Simon Channing-Williams, Betsy Blair, Joseph Wiseman, Jack Cardiff, Kathryn Grayson, Arthur Canton, Nat Boxer, Millard Kaufman, Roy E. Disney, Larry Gelbart, Horton Foote, Robert Woodruff Anderson, Budd Schulberg, Michael Jackson, Natascha Richardson, Jennifer Jones, David Brown, Karl Malden.
03.34 Sandra Bullock presents BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
Martin: "You loved her in The Blind Side, you adored her in The Proposal, and thought she was OK in Miss Congeniality 2: Sandra Bullock" Bullock: "The cinematographer is the first friend I make on set. 'Dude, make me look good. Seriously, job one, make me look good. Then get all fancy with the focus pulls'." And the winner is...AVATAR, Maur Fiore.
"First of all I want to thank the Academy for this unbelievable honour. I want to thank the visionary James Cameron for this film. My parents who came to this country with four suitcases and a dream. I want to thank everyone in my hometown, my crew, Italia. Thank you!"
03.29 John Travolta talks Inglourious Basterds
They don't go for the close-up, so it's hard to judge how Travolta's hair is looking tonight. Rather gorgeous clips from the film though, and three languages spoken, which puts on level footing with District 9.
03.28 Elizabeth Banks is here to talk about the Oscar Sci-Tech Awards
Banks: "And best use of super-nano-cubic-grain technology is...No, I'm kidding. No one in this room even knows what that is. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, James Cameron!"
03.22 Anna Kendrick and Zac Efron present BEST SOUND EDITING** and BEST SOUND MIXING**
Morgan Freeman is narrating the sound clip, because he is to America what David Attenborough is to us. He's explaining why sound is important, and because we inherently believe everything he says, we accept this as gospel truth.
And the winner of BEST SOUND EDITING is...THE HURT LOCKER.
"It's such a great honour to be here. 23 years ago I sold everything I had to come and be part of what you guys do over here. It's such a great honour. Thank you for having faith in me and letting me do this." Winner Paul Ottosson may look scary, and a bit like Jigsaw, but he sounds lovely.
And for BEST SOUND MIXING the winner is...THE HURT LOCKER. Well that's good news. Ottosson is back onstage.
"Again, thank you so much. It's a bit embarassing. A spoil of riches."
His fellow winner: "Thank you to the Academy. This is the crowning achievement of my career."
03.18 Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart introduce the Horror Montage
They're still playing very loud music during the speech by Stewart and Lautner. They're being played off while they're presenting? Weird. Cue montage! Someone hold us, we're scared. Mommy! It's all scored to the Jaws theme, which doesn't help. But there's baby Johnny Depp, which does. Wow: they just showed the hobbling scene from Misery, and Kathy Bates is in the audience. Now we're scared.
Wait, Beetlejuice is horror? Why wasn't I informed? And Edward Scissorhands?
Scary twins! Axes! Knives! Aliens! Someone else take over the blog; I'm running away to hide behind the sofa.
03.17** The Horror Intro...**
Baldwin: "Steve and I would like to take this time to acknowledge our musical director and conductor." (the musical director and conductor stand up and take a bow) Martin: "I'm sorry they couldn't be here tonight; I have no idea who those two people are." They introduce a Tribute To Horror Movies with a Paranormal Activity Spoof of the two of them sharing a bed, Martin sleepwalking and sleepslapping Baldwin.
3.16 Let's All Ban Adverts
Apart from giving me a chance to run to the loo, they're annoying.
3.12 Charlize Theron talks Precious
I still like that dress, even if her boobs do look like roses.
3.09 Tom Ford and Sarah Jessica Parker present BEST COSTUME DESIGN
Martin: "Now to present Best Costume Design, two world-renowned clothes whores." Baldwin: "I think that's meant to be "horses". And the winner is...THE YOUNG VICTORIA and Sandy Powell. It's a BAFTA repeat!
"Well, I already have two of these, so I'm feeling greedy. I'd like to dedicate this one to the costume designers who don't do films about monarchs and musicals, the designers who do contemporary films. This is for you - but I'm going to take it home tonight."
**3.06 **Sigourney Weaver presents OUTSTANDING SET DIRECTION
Loving that red dress, what a colour. "You know when I first arrived on the set of Alien, I was blown away by the beauty of the sets. I used to think how nice it was that they'd built these sets just for us actors - then the aliens showed up and destroyed everything." And the winner is...AVATAR! Had to be!
"Jim Cameron, this Oscar sees you. Clearly. Your vision is so deep."
"13 years ago, doctors told me I wasn't going to survive, and I thought that this dream of standing here would never come true, and here we are. I owe this to my amazing wife, my two kids for supporting me, to Rick Carter and the hundreds of people it took to make this film." Wow.
Cutaway to Kathy Bates, looking all Misery-like. Scary.
3.01 Colin Firth presents An Education
Heck, we'd listen to this man read the phonebook, as long as he was wearing a nice suit like that.
2.55** Robin Williams** presenting BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Williams: "You've just seen the Governor's Award. Later this evening the Governor's Ball will be held - just one of many balls being held all over Hollywood tonight. " But it's about the Best Mo'Nique Actress. And the winner is...MO'NIQUE for Precious. OBVIOUSLY.
"To my amazing husband Sidney, thank you for showing me that sometimes you have to forego what is popular to do what is right. Baby, you were so right."
2.52 Queen Latifah on The Governor's Awards
Steve Martin: "I wrote that speech for him [Fletcher, that is]. I had that pleasure of working with the next presenter in Bringing Down The House, and I'm not exaggerating when I say it was the highlight of her entire life. Here to thank me is Queen Latifah!" This bit's about an industry backslapping special called the Governor's Award, whence the honorary Oscars have now been exiled. They're paying tribute to the great Roger Corman, the wonderful Lauren Bacall ("The thought that when I get home I'm going to have a two-legged man in my room is so exciting I can hardly stand it!" she says of her statue), Gordon Willis and John Calley. Bacall and Corman are here tonight, and get a standing ovation.
2.49 Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllenhaal present BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
No great shakes in the intro, which is pure teleprompter stuff. And the winner is...Geoffrey Fletcher, PRECIOUS. Yay! We thought it'd be Up in the Air here. Hoorah!
"I don't know what to say. This is for everyone, precious boys and girls everywhere, anyone who's kept believing in me. My two brothers, who supported me in every way, my role models, my heroes. My mother Betty, angel of my world. My father Alphonse, who spent so much time with us and taught us everything. I'm sorry I'm drawing a blank right now, but I thank everyone." Most emotional speech to date.**
2.43 Jeff Bridges talks about A Serious Man**
The Dude pays tribute to the Coens' nominee this year. Always nice to see clips from the Coens.
2.38 Ben Stiller** presents BEST MAKE-UP**
Ben Stiller's dressed as a Na'vi. And is presenting in Na'vi. It's a pretty good make-up job actually. "This seemed like a better idea in rehearsal. It was between this and the Nazi uniform, but the show seemed a bit Hitler-heavy. I am here to present the award for Best Make-Up. The ironic thing is that Avatar isn't even nominated. I should've worn my Spock ears, because Star Trek was. I own two pairs from the original series, signed by Leonard Nimoy. But that would've been too nerdy. This is much cooler. I want to plug my braid into your dragon." And the winner is...("After I announce the winner, I will stand as far away from them as possible so as not to demean their moment of triumph") STAR TREK
Poor pets are seated so far from the stage that they're bound to be played off by the time they open their mouths. "It's hard to follow that face. We thank you, the Academy, JJ Abrams: your vision inspired us, your energy kept us going, and your insistence on perfection brought us here. We had an amazing staff, we share this with you. Thank you very much."
2.27** Carey Mulligan and Zoe Saldana for BEST ANIMATED SHORT and BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT and BEST LIVE-ACTION SHORT**
Martin: "Right now, I'd like to introduce two beautiful actresses, because quite frankly we're tired of bringing out all these ugly actresses." They're playing Thank Heaven For Little Girls as they walk out? What the? FFS. They're introducing the Best Shorts category, while big directors explain why short films matter, with reference to their early shorts and late successes. Yeah...everyone's going to keep ignoring short films though, unfortunately.
And the Best Animated Short winner is...LOGORAMA, Nicolas Schmerkin. "I am the producer of the film, so I have to thank the 3000 unofficial sponsors who appear in the film, and I have to assure them that no logos were harmed in the making of the film. We have been working for a very long time on this film, so I hope to come back here with a long feature film in about 36 years."
And the Best Documentary Short winner is... MUSIC BY PRUDENCE. "This is amazing. Two years ago when I got on an airplane and went to Zimbabwe I never imagined I'd end up here." His partner is jumping in on top of him. "In a world where we're told that we can't, the band featured in this film tells us that we can." Bit overenthusiastic. They're being played off.
And the Best Live-Action Short winner is...THE NEW TENANTS. "Wow. I just don't know if I should dance...It's pretty much amazing and I want to say thanks to everybody who's been on this project. It's pretty much a ride, I must say. I can't say anything else." Then he says something else. His partner got played off.
2.24 Samuel L. Jackson talks Up
Not an obvious combo of star and film, this, except that Jackson starred as Frozone in The Incredibles for Pixar. We're all on the verge of tears just at the montage of clips (although that may be leftover from Hughes too). If this doesn't win Best Score, it will be a horrendous injustice.
2.22 All of the John Hughes Alumni!
Wow, it's like, all the stars of John Hughes' movies together on stage, even the unrecognisable Judd Nelson. They're really pushing the boat out for him, which is rather lovely. Hughes' family is in the audience and look to be fighting to hold it together.
2.17 Matthew Broderick and Molly Ringwald pay tribute to John Hughes.
ONLY MOLLY RINGWALD: "In life, there is always someone who shapes who you are, and for me that person was John Hughes. His gift was creating characters, stories and truths about being a teen and bringing them to film in a way that no one had done before."
Broderick: "As an actor, I just did what he told me, and as a result for the last 25 years, almost every day, someone has come up to me and tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Hey Ferris, this your day off?"
Cue montage. "Those aren't pillows!" Now we have a yen to watch teen movies, dagnabbit. Perfect selection of clips for the montage.
2.13 Tina Fey and Robert Downey Jr present BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Regardless of sexual orientation, if you don't want to shag both these presenters, there's something wrong with you. They're contrasting what screenwriters want from actors and what actors want from screenwriters. Fey: "We writers dream of a future where actors are mostly computer generated and their performances can be manipulated by us on a laptop." Downey: "It's a collaboration between beautiful talented people like us, and sickly little mole people." Someone give these two a sitcom. And the winner is...THE HURT LOCKER, Mark Boal.
Boal: "Oh my god, thank you Academy. You honour me and humble me with this. I was a reporter, back from Iraq with the idea for a story about these men. I thought it might make a movie, but the result surpassed my expectations. This belongs to you, Kathryn. I'd also like to dedicate this to the troops, and to my father who didn't live to see this, and passed away a month ago."
2.12 And we're back
"The Academy awards, the biggest night in Hollywood since last night...Robert Downey Jr and Tina Fey" OMG WHAT A COMBO
2.06 Captain Kirk presents District 9
Sorry, that should read Chris Pine. Anyway, well done him for turning up to the Oscars and not huffing off because they nominated The Blind Side instead of Star Trek for Best Picture. Still, always nice to see good clips from good films.
2.00** Seyfried and** Cyrus present BEST ORIGINAL SONG
After a Hangover riff from Martin and Baldwin, "Our next two presenters are two young actresses who have no idea who we are: Amanda Seyfried and Miley Cyrus". This is the 75th year of the Best Original Song category, apparently. And the winner...(sigh, Colin Farrell singing sad songs, gosh) RYAN BINGHAM, T-BONE BURNETT for THE WEARY KIND from CRAZY HEART.
Bingham: "Thank you so much. I'd like to thank my wife Anna. I love you more than rainbows, baby."
1.55** Steve Carell and Cameron Diaz**** presenting BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM**
"When you are as beautiful as Cameron and I it is a tragedy to appear in a film where you can't see our faces and bodies." The pair are running a teleprompter gag about Steve replacing Jude Law at the last minute and keep getting the names wrong. And now we're into a specially-created pre-record of the animation nominees, which is adorable. LOVE! Mr Fox, Coraline, Aisling from The Secret of Kells, Louis and Naveen from The Princess and The Frog and Carl and Dug all appear to discuss their Oscar success (Dug's licking the screen! I may die I love it so much!). And the winner is...(I want them all to win!) UP. Yay! (Will they thank us for the webchat?)
Pete Docter: "I never dreamed that making a flip book out of my 3rd grade math book would lead to this. It's just me here but picture this stage full of the best people. Thanks for believing in this oddball film, but the heart of it came from home. To our families, thank you, you guys are the greatest adventure."
1.50 Ryan Reynolds** introduces The Blind Side**
Oh, it's a profile of each Best Picture nominee, starting with rank outsider The Blind Side. Reynolds starred with Bullock in The Proposal last year, of course, but can't bring the funny to this intro. In fairness, it's an amazing story and a great Bullock performance, even if it is going to have its work cut out in this country.
1.44 Penelope Cruz presenting BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
"I know that the longer I'm up here, and the longer I speak, the more they will suffer, so let's do it." And the Oscar goes to...(boy, the clips seem long this year. And so many of the nominees play horrible characters, but seem lovely in real life) CHRISTOPH WALTZ (well, we're on form so far).
"An Oscar and Penelope, that's an uber bingo. I always wanted to discover some new continent and I thought I'd have to go this way, and then I was introduced to Quentin Tarantino who was putting together an expedition. Everybody helped me find a place. Quentin, with his unorthodox methods of navigation, this fearless explorer took this ship across and brought it in with flying colours. This is your welcoming embrace and I can never thank you enough but I'll start right here, thank you." Eloquent and lovely!
1.35 The Riff
Alec Baldwin introduces Steve Martin, giving him a big intro, and Martin fails to return the favour. They discuss how hard it is to get an Oscar. 6000 ballots are sent out, they're tabulated by Price Waterhouse "and then they nominate Meryl Streep". Martin: "She's the most nominated actor in history or, as I like to think of it, the most losses". Baldwin: "I know you loved Invictus, Steve, because it combines two of your passions: rugby, and tensions between blacks and whites." Martin: "Look, there's that damn Helen Mirren!" Baldwin: "Steve, that's *Dame *Helen Mirren". OMG, Martin and Baldwin just made a threesome joke about Streep. Martin: "Everyone who's ever worked with Meryl Streep says the same thing: Can that woman act, and what's up with all the Hitler memorabilia? I'm really glad that Precious was nominated, because it's the only nominee that lived up to its videogame. Gabourey and I both have something in common, because in our first movie we were both born a poor black child." Martin: "Wait a minute: is that the director of Avatar, James Cameron?" (dons 3D glasses) Baldwin: "Yes it is! Did you know that cutaway of James Cameron has already earned $3 million?" Cue wood sprites from Hometree descending around them, and Martin spraying them with bug spray. Martin makes a Cameron-Bigelow reference, and Baldwin follows with, "She was so pleased to be nominated with him that she sent him a beautiful gift basket with a timer." Martin: "And he reciprocated with a Toyota!" Baldwin: "Oh look, there's George Clooney." (both pause and stare). Martin: "Who else!" Baldwin: "Over there is the inglourious basterds section, and over here, the people who made the movie!" Martin: "Christoph Waltz plays a man obsessed with finding Jews in that movie. Well, Christoph, you've hit the motherlode! Who doesn't love Sandra Bullock?" Baldwin: "Tonight we may find out. There's Matt Damon! I've heard if he wins tonight he's going to Tahiti with Jennifer Garner. " Martin: "No, it's Ben Affleck who's married to Jennifer Garner." Baldwin: "Oh, Steve. You are so naive". Martin: "If you'd like a transcript of tonight's show, you should really get a life". (Once again, they give Clooney the silent treatment - it's kinda funny given how often he's the target of you're-so-hot jokes). And then introduce the first presenter as "this actress who was advised to change her name at the start of her career, and so Agnes Mischkin became Penelope Cruz..."
1.32 THE OPENING NUMBER
So here comes...everyone? Jeff Bridges, Sandra Bullock, Meryl Streep, George Clooney...all the lead Acting nominees are lined up on stage to start the show. Maybe they all coordinated, given that they're all wearing black and white (or in Gabourey's case, blue). Everyone is clapping, as their partners come up and retrieve them. It's...NEIL PATRICK HARRIS is opening! He's in a sparkly tux. LOVE! "Why would be a Crosby give up hope? Why does Harold call Kumar when he scores dope? Because no one wants to do it alone!" he sings. (Can we just note that I called this earlier? Thank you.) He's singing about great double acts, along with two scantily-clad Showgirls (no showboys?) Oh, and here come a host more dancers, in feathers this time. And there are the Showboys, lifting Harris up. Looks like the Emmys did indeed give his career a big boost. And NOW here are our hosts, descending as if from heaven, borne by the wings of angels.
1.30 We're Starting!
Thank goodness.
1.29 HOW HAS IT STILL NOT STARTED?
That is all.
1.21 NOW Are We Nearly There Yet?
Oh boy, we're back on the red carpet. Despite the fact that everyone is now inside. Except Cameron Diaz, who's still making her way along. Because *someone *has to be fashionably late. Let's talk important issues instead: will a Creme Egg send me over the edge into sugar poisoning?
1.10 Montage Number 3 Already
I'm just going to have a quick nap for 15 minutes until something happens. On another note, Something Happened is a great Joseph Heller novel, which you should seek out and read. If you don't have time to read that before the ceremony starts, why not take this time to compose a love letter to your sweetheart, water a pot plant or plan your outfit for the morning? Just DON'T watch this filler.
1.06 Blah blah blah blah
In summary, blah blah blah blah. Wait, now there's a pre-rec bit with Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. That's a bit better. And now, blah blah blah. Claudia Winkleman just claimed that Hugh Jackman is the same person as Richard "and Judy" Madley. SHE IS A CRAZY PERSON.
1.00 Are We Nearly There Yet?
Stupid adverts. Get on with it already. Oh. Claudia Winkleman is hosting Sky's coverage. According to Lee Unkrich inside (but tweeting), people are taking their seats but there are 25 minutes to go. Let's play count the montage instead.
0.56 The Carpet's Unwinding...
Or at least winding down. According to Neil Gaiman (tweeting from inside) everyone's milling about waiting for things to actually, y'know, start. Frankly, we're ready: bring it. But wait! Here's Cameron Diaz in sort of beige-y gold with sparkles, looking rather lovely. She threatened physical violence to Jeffrey Katzenberg if this is indeed the last Shrek movie (later this year) but immediately backs down. Probably wise.
0.52 The Dude Abides
Jeff Bridges is owning the carpet, talking about Crazy Heart and downplaying his certainty chance of winning. "I've always felt very well acknowledged by the whole Hollywood community and all the fans". Have you writen a speech? "I don't know, man". Kate Winslet's turned up in a fitted silver dress, looking as beautiful as ever, natch.
0.47 Gerard Butler and Jason Bateman
I just watched (the ace) How To Train Your Dragon again this morning, so it's nice to see Gerard Butler bringing the Scottish on the red carpet. He's presenting, and threatening to moon the audience when he does. He's explaining why he has a tiny little dog: apparently he's a big softie and didn't realise how tiny she was. Jason Bateman follows him, and explains that he's been up to the Olympics last night and then talks Couples Retreat / Up In The Air and every other film he's been in this year. Apparently he's nothing like the guys he plays in the movies. "No, no, I never wear pleated pants".
0.44 Seacrest Drops Hints
Apparently the running order's been changed around at the last minute (well, last night) and there are surprises for everyone in the show. Seacrest is teasing that someone we've seen on another awards show this year will be involved in the opening (Neil Patrick Harris?) but only time will tell because apparently he's already verging on spoilers. He has a wide definition of spoiler.
0.42 Downey!
Robert Downey Jr is in an ill-advised blue bowtie, and a slightly nerdy pair of sunglasses (yes, sunglasses can look nerdy. It's something to do with the side parting I think). Downey Jr says he would not only be willing to play Ozzy Osbourne in a movie; he also wants Ozzy to play him. Well, at least the bowtie hasn't stolen his funny. To quote State and Main, "Tie's supposed to point down, emphasise the genitals. How can you trust a man whose tie points out, emphasises his ears?"
0.41 So Much Hotness
Demi Moore's here in peach-ish; Kristen Stewart's in black with a HUGE skirt (it's like the opposite of her BAFTA dress in every way); and Jake.Abs, also from Twilight, is wearing a suit. Boys are boring.
0.36 Tweets From The Carpet
Lee Unkrich, director of Toy Story 3, just tweeted, "Just survived the Red Carpet gauntlet. Momentary eye contact with Sandra Bullock, which should give her an edge tonight." So I guess the Pixar-ites are in, and we've missed the Weinermobile they always arrive in AGAIN. OMG, it's KEANU. He has a beard, but is looking 100% more groomed than usual, and is wearing SUCH a nice suit. He's being much more verbose than usual, too, and very sweet and funny. Think saying nice things about Sandra Bullock and smiling lots. We may faint - as, indeed may Gabourey Sidibe who's just shown up and is really giggly and excited. They engage in a terrorist fist pump. Woody Harrelson stops by to say hello. Apparently his suit is made of hemp (Harrelson's, that is). Sidibe's dress is purpley-blue with diamond vines and she's posing for the camera. "If fashion is porn, this dress is the money shot." She's AWESOME! She wants to do comedy next. SOMEONE GIVE HER A JOB! She wants to work with Tina Fey. MAKE THIS HAPPEN! Ahem. Apologies for shouting.
0.30 Mrs Fantastic Fox
Just after Clooney, and it's time for his Fantastic Mr Fox wife Meryl Streep, in a very plunging white gown with rather lovely sleeves. She is giving Ryan a bit of grooming to his suit, and a hard time for cheerleading Sandra Bullock instead of Streep herself. While Ryan tries to wrangle Jennifer Lopez, we've cut back to the annoying fashion 'experts' upstairs. Hmm, we get better look at Rachel McAdams' dress and it's lovely. J.Lo's irridescent pale pink dress is rather nice, and a bit more fiddly than Seyfried's on second glance. J.Lo's husband Mark Anthony doesn't so much as get a word in.
0.29 Clooney!
George Clooney tried to sneak past, but the sudden air of charm alerted all to his presence. "Even I voted for Jeff Bridges!" he claims of his Best Actor rival. "Jeff is the DUDE, man! If you were saying to me put all of your property on one thing, I would put it on that [Bridges winning]". All this, and he's modest!
0.23 Wow, Sugar High Kicking In
Might get dizzy. Can diabetes develop over a single evening? Matt Damon is with Ryan Seacrest, bringing the style and some much-needed intelligence to the carpet. Ladies, all this and he's learned to play rugby (if that's your thing). But he says he had more fun filming The Informant!, which is no great surprise. George Clooney is signing stuff for people, and is in need of a little haircut. And now, with even more style, is Colin "dapper" Firth. Hair's a little windswept though. "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds", he says, using at least two words that no one else will use tonight. J.Lo appears to be wearing a VERY similar dress to Amanda Seyfried, only a bit more folded around. Jason Bateman has arrived, and Queen Latifah (LOVE her pink dress), as Firth gives a twirl of his (Tom Ford, natch) suit and says, "I feel like a flasher".
0.18 Now Let's Talk Paedophilia...
The charming and utterly wonderful Stanley Tucci is talking Lovely Bones and dealing gracefully with some potentially dodgy paedophilia questions, and then he pwned Seacrest's lack of Tucci-upcoming-projects knowledge. Charlize Theron's very fitted pink dress sort of swirls around her boobs into two rose-like structures, and I kind of adore it. It has a train. She's working it. Although in fairness I hear she can work the average burlap sack and make grown men weep.
0.14 Sarah And The City
SJP's dress makes her look pregnant, an achievement given how skinny she is. There's something about the waistlessness and low back. Matthew Broderick is grinning fixedly but is quite charming when he speaks. We'd tell you what SJP's saying, but Helen Mirren just walked behind her and looks SO good we're distracted. And then George Clooney showed up and it got worse. Kathryn Bigelow is approximately three feet taller than Seacrest, and is being very classy.
0.12 Too...Much...Glamour!
Miley Cyrus' backcombed quiff and tiny little bodice are still disturbing us. OMG she's dating. If we were quite sure who she was, we'd care. Sarah Jessica Parker and her huge bowtie hair, and Matthew Broderick (playing dutiful husband and looking like his character in Election, body-language wise) just passed around Seacrest behind her. Kathryn Bigelow has turned up in a gorgeous dark silver dress that appears to have developed a rash near the top.
0.06 Gyllenhaal!
So here's Jake, looking smooth and talking about how he hangs out with Jamie Foxx, but we're still traumatised by Miley Cyrus' bodice-y dress and over-exposure. WOW! Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith have turned up, and he appears to have stolen Mel Gibson's streaky Moses beard. Jake Gyllenhaal thinks Prince of Persia is great. And the hot news? He's got a real pocket square, ready to cry in case his sister wins.
0.04 Oh, He's HER Husband
So Tim McGraw, who plays Sandra Bullock's husband in The Blind Side, is married to that singer Faith Hill. They all be Sutthern, y'all. Quinton Aaron's trying to hunker down so he doesn't scare Seacrest - he plays the enormous Big Mike in The Blind Side. What a sweetheart. Says McGraw, "People don't realise how good this guy is, because he's really a 5'8" white guy".
0.00 Tyler Perry
He's one of the most famous people on the carpet but we've never heard of him in this country - and he's hogging time that should belong to the ever-youthful Jane Seymour, waiting behind him and still looking about 26. Penelope Cruz has arrived, in big, dramatic burgundy. Faith Hill is wearing a sort of lace-and-black tribute to Kate Winslet's BAFTA dress. Amanda Seyfried's got her spot with Seacrest and is talking Big Love, which she's just left. Her hair is too ironed. It's freaking me out. She's just described her Armani Prive dress as "cellophane"; I think she could get in trouble for that.
23.57 Diane Kruger
No Joshua Jackson? The girls at Go Fug Yourself will be inconsolable. Kruger's dress is also frilly, and a mix of peach and black and bananas. She's succeeded on the carpet by the great Sandra Bullock, who picked up her own Razzie last night. She's "pulling the plug on the expectation" tonight, and generally is being cool and fun about the whole you're-a-shoo-in thing. If you'll permit me a moment of girly, I LOVE her lipstick. Quinton Aaron, her Blind Side co-star, is looming like a monolith from 2001 in the background. Dude is HUGE.
23.55 What We've Learned So Far
- Keeping Up With The Kardashians has some fight scenes coming up. 2. There's a sale on beds right now. 3. Sandra Bullock is dressed like Morticia Addams but in cream / ivory, complete with red lipstick and perfectly groomed hair. 4. Amanda Seyfried's dress is also white, sparkly and a mix of fairytale and packing box 5. Carey Mulligan is less ker-azy than expected, in sparkly black. Like us, she takes her style cues in life from Tina Fey, clearly.
23.50 Seacrest Pile-Up
Tina Fey is now chatting to Ryan now, in sparkly black; Christoph Waltz is waiting behind her, and a small cloud of publicists are on the phone behind them. Sooooo...they cut to commercial instead of letting these people speak. This coverage is all sponsored by the Greek National Tourist Association. Two reactions occur: 1. Can Greece afford that? 2. What the heck does Greece have to do with the Oscars? Is it a connection to the faux-Greek columns holding up the Kodak auditorium or something?
23.48 Weaver! Kravitz! Fey**!**
Sigourney Weaver has just revealed that she is learning pole dancing; this is weird. Lenny Kravitz is wearing sunglasses, because someone has to be that guy. Tina Fey was lurking in the background a second ago but seems to have vanished. The Basterds have also arrived: Eli Roth, Quentin Tarantino and Diane Kruger (whose dress is...bizarre) are getting their photos taken.
23.44 Quarritch!
Christoph Waltz is making his way, smiling and serene, up the red carpet, as Stephen "Colonel Quarritch" Lang chats to reporters and possibly breaks one or two in half for impertinence (we hope). Aaaaand it's an ad break, so time for snacks!
23.40** Too Many Double Letters**
Maggie Gyllenhaal's dress appears to have been attacked by rogue graffiti artists, but at least it doesn't have ruffles. The same prankster shaved her man Peter Sarsgaard's head. Steve Carell has arrived, and Tom Ford is looking impossibly suave. NO ONE should be that sharp. Elizabeth Banks is looking rather lovely really: she hosted the "Sci-Tech" Oscars and will briefly sum those up tonight.
23.38 Reitman, Move Along
Jason Reitman is still talking while James Cameron patiently waits his turn. Cameron's coordinated his pocket square with the "Na'vi" blue of his wife's dress. Looking at them does remind one of the adage about it being impossible to be too rich or too thin: he's too rich, she's too thin. Lovely dress though. Elizabeth Banks, who only found her dress today (we follow her on Twitter) is in grey with a fluffy fishtail (fluff and fishtails are BIG this year). Cameron says that he and Bigelow feel no competition.
23.34 Ryan Reyhubbanolds
The carpet just got hotter, with Ryan Reynolds turning up to talk about the awesomeness of Sandra Bullock: "It feels like your best buddy just got drafted to the NBA" he says of her nomination. He's in training at the moment for Green Lantern. Apparently his costume is "snug" and doesn't leave much to the imagination. Gosh. I might need a minute.
Oh, it's OK: Tina "my goddess" Fey is here and has saved me from dangerous reveries. Now Jason Reitman is talking about twitter while Sigourney "my other goddess" Weaver elegantly swings along the carpet in crimson.
23.29 Farmiga And Away
Vera Farmiga's in this deep fuschia with a big frill up the front and around the bust. It's kinda awesome, but its awesomeness just caused her to tip Kathryn Bigelow for Best Director instead of Up In The Air's own, Jason Reitman. Doh!
23.25 In Summary
Zoe Saldana is looking gorgeous in a lilac and glitter dress with a crazy dip-dyed frilly bottom and an almost origami top, which is a relief because for the last eight minutes we've been sitting through presenter drivel. Just to be clear: ZOE looks gorgeous in that number, but we doubt anyone else would. Approach with caution. But now here's Joel Madden and Nicole Richie, and once again our interest has dropped to zero.
23.17 Carey** On Camping**
Mariah Carey is saying that she went through hell on Precious: they gave her a false moustache apparently. There's a strange woman just hanging around Ryan Seacrest's shoulder hoping that she'll get on TV - and she did! Biggest winner of the evening so far.
23.13** Red Carpeting In The Rain**
Well, it was more-or-less dry for the BAFTAs this year, so it stands to reason that it would rain at the Oscars. E! can talk about nothing else, and the stars are running for cover. Wait, panic over: it's stopped again. God, LA weather sucks. Mariah Carey has arrived, in glamorous dark blue and looking... pneumatic. That woman's eyelids are strange and fascinating.
23.10** Up In The Air**
Anna Kendrick's in "blush", and it's a rather beautiful colour on her. Mariska Hargitay's on the carpet, as is Paula Patton from Precious, wearing bright red and heavily pregnant. Mo'Nique has arrived in a gorgeous blue with a beautiful beehive and a massive flower in her hair. She's saying that this is not a competition (not for her; she's gonna win) and that everyone on the carpet is a big kid to be there. She also claims that she was as "honoured" when she did Soul Plane as when she did Precious. I've seen Soul Plane, so allow me to say that she is CERTIFIABLY INSANE.
23.08** All About Us**
They're talking nonsense about fashion on the red carpet right now, so let's establish the important stuff. James, Amar and myself are in the office, with a small mountain of food, and the big questions of the night are these: will we run out of cheese and crackers? Will the Empire office mouse, who usually runs over someone's feet at some point in the evening, show up? Will we survive the caffeine overdose? Oh, and can Avatar displace The Hurt Locker? But that's much less important.
23.04** Squeeee! It's Zac Efron!**
As he bounces over to shake hands with Sam W., it turns out that teen star Zac Efron has seen Avatar four times and reckons Sam Worthington is the bomb. Worthington pretends to pay him a hundred dollars for the compliment. We're fighting the urge to reach into the TV and smooth down the silly spikes in Efron's hair, mum-style.
23.00 So It Begins...
Welcome to the biggest night on the movie calendar, which we're covering from the comfortable surroundings of Empire towers. The Oscars Red Carpet coverage is starting on E! right now, and we're hoping they'll have all the stars there. Ryan Seacrest is on form, and he's already bagged Sam Worthington, who's looking lightly bearded and unfeasibly hot. As, in fairness, is his girlfriend. He's talking about living in his car back in the day, and says he's hoping for another job post-Avatar and Clash.