Hello readers. Today’s news story is brought to you by Artie The Movie News Music Hall Comedian.
“’Ow do, duckies? [Audience: ’Ow do, Artie!] Ooh, mind the pies! Mind the pies!
Anyway, who wants to see Emile Hirsch’s helmet? Ooh, steady missus, you’ll do yourself a funny turn! It’s not how it sounds – honest!
The poster for Speed Racer, the new movie from the Wachowski Brothers that’s filled with loads of hi-tech doohickeys and wotsits, is now online! I downloaded it this morning when I got back from the butchers. I went into my butchers and said, ‘do you have any bacon?’ He said, “I’m a butcher, aren’t I, you stupid four-eyed twit?” Ooh, mind the pies! Mind the pies! Slice of lemon!
Anyway the poster is a true teaser, and it only shows the helmet – ooh missus, do you want some water? - of Hirsch’s character, the titular Speed Racer, in splendid white with a red ‘M’ logo on top, while his souped-up car sits in the background. Which reminds me: I went into a French restaurant the other day and said, “Does this car go?” No, wait, that’s not right. It was something about snails. Mind the pies! Mind the pies!
What do I think? I think it’s a cracking poster, duckies, I really do. It’s colourful, poppy, fun, with a hint of mystery – and the tagline is excellent. ‘From The Creators Of The Matrix Trilogy Comes A World Built For Speed.’ That’s clever, that is. I wish I could write something like that, but all I can do is churn out second-rate gags and catchphrases. Mind the pies! Mind the p – aw, to hell with it. To hell with all of you!”
Wow, that was… intense, Artie.