Dallas Not Dead Yet

Now, Empire Online has heard of countless hairbrained remakes over the years, but this one really does take the biscuit. Dig out the stetson because the Ewings are back. Some mad, mad soul is planning a Dallas film. Creator of the dysfunctional family of the 80s, Dave Jacobs, is the unsurprising brains behind the whole dubious outfit and he's trying to get everyone mightily excited about the resurrection of his Texan tale of lust and loot. "I like the idea of doing it for the 21st century, with a new cast," Jacobs told Daily Variety. "We've got a new take on it. It's a much bigger canvas today and it belongs up on the big screen. The conflict is still about family conflicts, but the stakes are higher now. That's the thing that excites me about it." Still not convinced, we're afraid, Dave. How in the world will you be able to repeat the magic that was the infamous 'it was all a dream' sequence through which Bobby Ewing happily returned to the series after being offed a couple of months before, or try to replicate the quite astounding magnitude of Sue Ellen's hair? Our advice: let sleeping dogs die.