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Halo 5 Guardians
The Master Chief returns
Unmissable 5 Stars
Excellent 4 Stars
Good 3 Stars
Poor 2 Stars
Tragic 1 Star

Danny Trejo
Michelle Rodriguez
Jessica Alba
Cuba Gooding Jr
Lady Gaga
Demian Bichir
Sofia Vergara
Antonio Banderas
Alexa Vega
Amber Heard
Mel Gibson
Carlos Estevez.
Robert Rodriguez.
Kyle Ward.
Running Time
100 minutes

4 Star Empire Rating
2 Star Empire Rating
2 Star Empire Rating
Intern, The
3 Star Empire Rating
Nightmare, The
3 Star Empire Rating

5 Star Empire Rating
Man With A Movie Camera
5 Star Empire Rating
Salt Of The Earth, The
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Song Of The Sea
5 Star Empire Rating
Look Of Silence, The
5 Star Empire Rating

Machete Kills
Another hack job

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Inexpressive ex-Federale Machete (Trejo) is recruited by the American President (Estevez) to deal with an insane Mexican ex-cartel man-cum-revolutionary (Bichir) who has a nuke pointed at Washington.

Machete Kills

Machete is back. Did we want him back? Who fuckin’ cares? He’s back anyway, in the sequel to the movie of the minute-long faux trailer which appeared in a double-bill feature (Grindhouse) that barely anyone saw.

In the modern studio system, this could never happen. But Machete don’t need greenlights. Machete Kills is another Rodriguez backyard production: cheap, cheerful and no doubt comfortably profitable. It’s an admirable business model, but the same can’t always be said of its output. Like its predecessor, this is a knowing killer-B pastiche, an outré Mexploitationer which attempts to make a virtue of its visual and storytelling sloppiness, as if Rodriguez is showing all his Get Out Of Jail Free cards and flashing a big, winning grin.

Well, that only gets him so far. It doesn’t excuse the dank whiff of sexism which pervades both Machetes. Giving Sofía Vergara a machine-gun DD-bra doesn’t count as empowerment. It also doesn’t excuse lines like, “I chewed my father’s balls off… with my teeth!” (spoken, again, by the poor Vergara). But it’s all a joke right? Lighten the fuck up, dude!... Thus could any attempt at a serious discussion about Machete Kills end.

Like a Grindhouse Woody Allen, Rodriguez attracts much talent, albeit off the boil, to his high-turnover cheapies, here once more surrounding Danny Trejo (not actually a terrible actor, but as Machete directed to possess all the charisma of a tree stump) with game-for-a-laugh famous faces in a series of stunt cameos. Which, frankly, are the film’s biggest attraction. Walton Goggins, Cuba Gooding Jr., Antonio Banderas and, yeah, Lady Gaga all appear — playing the same character. Charlie Sheen, who in the opening credits is “introduced” with his real name Carlos Estevez, plays “the President of the fuckin’ United States, man”. And Mel Gibson kicks things up a notch whenever he appears — aided by the fact that by the time he arrives, Rodriguez has decided this is in fact a semi-sci-fi Bond spoof with Moonraker’s plot and Gibson as his version of Hugo Drax. Who wears a turquoise uniform and, in one scene, attacks Trejo with a Klingon bat’leth. Thus does this attempt at a serious review of Machete Kills end.

Violent, silly, embarrassing, clumsy, confusing, juvenile, occasionally offensive, occasionally a little bit fun.

Reviewed by Dan Jolin

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Your Reviews

Average user rating for Machete Kills
Empire Star Rating

RE: Machete Kills

watched this last night. Only Mel Gibson, Demian Bichir and Michelle Rodriguez give decent performances the rest of the cast are awful. The film is awful really one of the worst films I have seen in a while. The joke did not work the first time and it does not work here. The film much like the hero looks tired. ... More

Posted by NCC1701A at 08:33, 02 July 2014 | Report This Post

RE: Machete Kills

"Machete" was fun. "Machete Kills" gives me a headache. ... More

Posted by chang at 09:47, 31 December 2013 | Report This Post

RE: Machete Kills

Over the top in every area and making good actors look bad at every turn. ... More

Posted by chang at 09:45, 31 December 2013 | Report This Post

RE: Machete Kills

I like the way they pronounce machete. ... More

Posted by spamandham at 22:35, 26 November 2013 | Report This Post

RE: Machete Kills

There is a surprising number of people slagging this film off but I thought it was awesome. You have to know what you are going in for before commiting to this film or you just won't get it. Sadly, there are too many people coming out of the film declaring "cheesy" but it is meat to be - it aint out to win an oscar. This is a great film and we boast about that in our review Please stop posting links to your site, these will all be removed. ... More

Posted by RenownedForSound at 01:06, 19 November 2013 | Report This Post

Why is their any love for this?

...when it's so evidently shit. There's pastiche and pastiche - the difference between them? Wit. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by The Watcher at 04:33, 20 October 2013 | Report This Post

Ludicrously marvellous.

You can only follow up a shlocky, grindhouse B-movie like Machete by upping the ante, and the sequel is almost, *almost* everything it needs to be. If you want a violent, sleazy, funny live-action cartoon which refuses to take itself at all seriously, go and see Machete Kills. Catching up on the first one's not essential, but you'll be glad you did. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by TheMightyBlackout at 18:31, 17 October 2013 | Report This Post

An affair not worth the DVR

What a shambles. Rodriguez really needs to stop with the awful CGI. I would have preferred somebody swinging a toy helicopter in front of the camera than a CGI abomination. Also, I HATE digital blood. It just doesn't feel real. Grindhouse was genius and Machete worked really well. Kills didn't. Even the opening faux (that'll probably be real) trailer was lacking. It played like a bad student film that didn't understand the joke it was telling. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by HulkySmashSmash at 14:40, 17 October 2013 | Report This Post

Empire snobs get it wrong once again!!

This movie was what it was intended to be, a right royal hoot. Absolutely loved it and laughed my socks off (and when is the last time you can say that about a movie with Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson in it). The cinema was surprisingly packed for a Sunday morning, and was filled with chuckles. Loved every second and thouroughly recommended. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by Azzurro06 at 18:18, 13 October 2013 | Report This Post

Everything the first Machete should have been

'Violent, silly, embarrassing, clumsy, confusing, juvenile, occasionally offensive'. No sh*t, Empire, its called an Exploitation film - I guess you have never watched any classic examples of the genre. Totally agree with the below review, except that I didn't like the first one much. As it is, this is everything the first Machete should have been. It has more ridiculously gory and OTT action sequences and more babes - and is far better than the original for it, without the heavy polit... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by Predalien at 10:55, 13 October 2013 | Report This Post

On par with the 1st one

Machete Kills is a very satisfying movie, one that doesn't lie to the audience and brings all the action, gore and punchlines the trailers promised. This is basically on par with the first movie, except this time there's absolutely nothing serious, i.e. the Mexican immigration issue was a bit tuned down. In fact, Machete Kills has now become an incredible parody of the old James Bond movie, with a Bond-like pre-credits scene, Bond-like credits, a Bond-like plot and a Bond-like villain (a terr... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by dseys at 22:16, 09 October 2013 | Report This Post

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