Empire's The Three Musketeers Movie Review

The Three Musketeers
From Dumas to dumbass

Plot
D’Artagnan (Lerman) heads to Paris to become a Musketeer and becomes embroiled in a ‘plot’ involving the Queen’s jewels, the King’s manhood, Cardinal Richelieu’s plans for European domination, Milady’sdouble-crossing and Buckingham’s “war machine”.

Review

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Since cinema’s birth, there’s always been something irrestistible
about Alexandre Dumas’ D’Artagnan Romances. The high adventure, the swordplay, the cheek, the hair, the uniforms, and that fizzy cocktail of personalities: dour, boozy Athos, conflicted Aramis, jolly Porthos, hotheaded D’Artagnan. And yet, ever since Richard Lester’s glorious first stab in 1973 (Reed, Chamberlain, Finlay, York), that lack of resistance has only been rewarded with naffness: witness Disney’s creaky ’93 version (Sutherland, Sheen, Platt, O’Donnell), or Randall Wallace’s snoozy The Man In The Iron Mask (Malkovich, Irons, Depardieu, Byrne).

Such low expectations only benefit this latest incarnation of The
Three Musketeers, from the Michael Bay of B-movies, Paul W.S.
Anderson. It is absolutely, intensely and resolutely daft. For some
reason, Anderson and his scripters Alex Litvak and Andrew Davies
decided that the one thing the novels were missing was huge fucking airships. With machine guns. And flame-throwers. Also, it’s not enough that Athos (Macfadyen, moody), Aramis (Evans, cool) and Porthos (Stevenson, big) be Musketeers. They must also be an 18th-century blend of Ethan Hunt, James Bond and Batman who have to tackle OTT, Indiana Jones-style deathtraps. Meanwhile, why go to Dumas for your zings, when you can just plunder other movies? One entire exchange is lifted from A Fistful Of Dollars, and Princess Bride scribe William Goldman might want to be checking his pockets. Elsewhere, Lerman’s D’Artagnan is a smug, charmless little creep, James Corden’s Planchet squeezes out ‘comic relief’ like he’s constipated… And yet…

And yet… We know we shouldn’t have, but we enjoyed this. For, amid the guilty pleasures of the ludicrous “war machines” and Orlando Bloom’s even more ludicrous hairdo (as spaniel/fox/Lesley Phillips-hybrid Buckingham) there are some guiltless ones in the traditionally choreographed fencing, including a superb climactic cathedral-roof duel between Lerman’s D’Artagnan and Mads Mikkelsen’s nefarious Rochefort. Also, l’il D aside, the Musketeers are well cast, and enjoy an easy chemistry — enough for us to actually not dread the likelihood of a sequel. Actually, sod it: we’d look forward to the sequel. Even if it means more airships.

Verdict

Reviewed by Dan Jolin

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Your Reviews

Average user rating for The Three Musketeers

The Three Musketeers
It does a good job of playing fast and fun with Alexandre Dumas' novel, but The Three Musketeers adds nothing new to the tale to make any more interesting, nor does have enough 17th century class to match it's cartoony silly tone. ... More


Posted by norgizfox at 02:10, 23 December 2012 \| Report This Post



Truly Awful
Messy plot, terrible acting. The worst film I've seen in a long time and Logan Lerman has obviously been attending the Hayden Christensen school of charisma free acting. Come on empire, you've given two stars to much better films than this ... More


Posted by duncansby at 08:05, 27 June 2012 \| Report This Post




worthless shite. a movie with fight scenes this big should be at least moderately entertaining. maybe it worked in the cinema but its boring on dvd ... More


Posted by fightclubber954 at 22:23, 02 April 2012 \| Report This Post




It's beyond stupid but the scenery and the scale of the thing is amazing. At one point Christoph Waltz pronounces the word penchant wrong, and no-one said anything, the director or ya'know, anyone :) ... More


Posted by S. C. Lee at 20:20, 17 March 2012 \| Report This Post



RE: Re:Re: Everybody below me is wrong (minus a few)
It was cringe-worthy but entertaining :) ... More

Posted by xxdelta at 12:56, 26 October 2011 \| Report This Post



Re:Re: Everybody below me is wrong (minus a few)
It appeals to a younger audience then, seeing as both me and my friend are 18 and 19. And I have an open mind and it did say it was BASED on the Three Musketeers, it wasn't The Three Musketeers. Yes, I know you would say then how come it was called the three musketeers? what else are they gonna call it? DON'T ANSWER THAT, I know what most people who hate this are gonna say. And Andrew Davies is one heck of a good screenwriter anyway. ... More


Posted by Thefifthmusketeer at 21:32, 24 October 2011 \| Report This Post



RE: Everybody below me is wrong! (minus a few)
Yes the boring old films which made a load more money than this one ever will. ... More

Posted by Rgirvan44 at 14:20, 24 October 2011 \| Report This Post



RE: Everybody below me is wrong! (minus a few)
Thanks for your input, Ms Jovovich. ... More

Posted by Timon at 13:57, 24 October 2011 \| Report This Post



Everybody below me is wrong! (minus a few)
Ok, I'll admit I've seen only glances of the old films. But I was excited to see this and the film DID NOT let me down. Every actor played their role perfectly. My friend had never seen the other adaptations either and she also loved this version. If you think about it, what would it have been like if they had done what previous versions had done? It would have been boring obviously! Plot has already been done three other times so they brought something new into the mix. There was NOTHING wrong ... More


Posted by Thefifthmusketeer at 22:46, 23 October 2011 \| Report This Post



Everybody below me is wrong! (minus a few)
Ok, I'll admit I've seen only glances of the old films. But I was excited to see this and the film DID NOT let me down. Every actor played their role perfectly. My friend had never seen the other adaptations either and she also loved this version. If you think about it, what would it have been like if they had done what previous versions had done? It would have been boring obviously! Plot has already been done three other times so they brought something new into the mix. There was NOTHING wrong ... More


Posted by Thefifthmusketeer at 22:46, 23 October 2011 \| Report This Post



Mindless nonsense
Went with low expectations but actually it was quite fun. One you will forget almost straight away but it does not take itself seriously and neither should you. The casting (with the exception of the dreadful Lerman’s D’Artagnan) is pretty good, especially the bad guys. Enjoyed the cgi of paris and London and the utter nonsense of airship battles. I've seen a lot worse this year. ... More


Posted by bretty at 08:16, 20 October 2011 \| Report This Post



RE: Impressed
This is a mess. It simply doesnt know what approach it´s taking and resorts to dire slapstick that makes you think you´re watching Epic Movie or such dross.And it lacks fun. 2 stars,and one of them for Bloom. ... More

Posted by thetruth at 23:27, 19 October 2011 \| Report This Post



Impressed
This looks completely stupid and I won't go see it, but I enjoyed this review. It endeared the reviewer to me and it's cool to see that professionally critical people are also not immune to a fun and silly ride. ... More


Posted by Enzino at 10:52, 19 October 2011 \| Report This Post



Impressed
This looks completely stupid and I won't go see it, but I enjoyed this review. It endeared the reviewer to me and it's cool to see that professionally critical people are also not immune to a fun and silly ride. ... More


Posted by Enzino at 10:52, 19 October 2011 \| Report This Post



One of the worst films I've seen all year!
I saw this at a free screening at my cinema for students and we laughed all the way though because it was so damn awful! 3 Stars? I am let down, Empire! The cast is great & the fencing brilliant but that's about it for good points because there is so much wrong with it. Thank goodness it was a free screening - not worth the money! Everyone groaned and face-palmed at the end with the cheesey lines and cliché sequel material...I could say much more but I think I might be wasting my time... More


Posted by M155 834N at 08:45, 19 October 2011 \| Report This Post



RE: Don't Waste Your Time With This One
I thoroughly enjoyed this. If, like the Resident Evil series, you are looking for fast, fun action, spectacular set pieces and sumptuous production design you won't be disappointed. If you are looking for historically accurate stories, plausible acting and gravitas seek out Kenneth Branagh/Ang Lee adaptations. The Three Musketeers is a hoot from start to finish and looks fabulous. I'm hoping it performs well enough to justify a sequel, and I'd be quite happy to see P WS Anderson dir... More

Posted by akivo at 14:28, 18 October 2011 \| Report This Post



Don't Waste Your Time With This One
Well this empire reviewer was probably in a really good mood for giving this daft boring nonsense three stars. Stupid film not remotely fun in fact I was bored out of my skull the action was ludicrous unbelievable and the plot was shite its a waste of time it is really insulting don't even bother to see it if someone pays you. ... More


Posted by Bighousewill at 14:03, 16 October 2011 \| Report This Post




lots of mistakes in this one than the original 1 ... More


Posted by Ciaran McDaid at 00:17, 16 October 2011 \| Report This Post



RE: Kids, check out the 1973 version.
Caught this today in my local cineworld: went in with a fair amount of optimism after a decent trailer and encouraging empire review. Not a huge fan of the director (who is?) but looked to be a solid cast and perhaps just all round fun. D: The action sequences are pretty damn fun with some brilliant swordplay choreography and mostly decent SFX. I personally think slowmotion only suits more modern typed action films and cheapens some of the sequences within. Still, solid stuff in th... More


Posted by st3veebee at 19:36, 13 October 2011 \| Report This Post



RE: Kids, check out the 1973 version.
1625 France, and Athos, Porthos and Aramis, the Three Musketeers, undergo a deadly mission for King Louis XIII but are betrayed by the scheming Milady De Winter, who is really working for the evil Cardinal Richleau. He wants to take the throne from the young, weak king and to do this intends to fabricate infidelity between the Queen and England’s Duke Of Buckingham, thereby causing war and acquiring the throne for himself. Meanwhile the rash, inexperienced D’Artagnan sets out ... More


Posted by Dr Lenera at 18:36, 13 October 2011 \| Report This Post



Kids, check out the 1973 version.
Raquel Welch' Constance is one of the sexiest characters ever ! ... More


Posted by Cameron1975Williams at 15:13, 13 October 2011 \| Report This Post



Not seen the movie but...
...has Helen O'Hara read this review? I'm thinking here of her blog about people defending the indefensible purely because it's 'enjoyable and a bit of fun'. Mixed message much? Follow your own advice please Empire! I shan't be seeing the film as am sure I won't be able to hear the thing over the sound of Dumas rotating at great speed in his grave, if the execrable trailer is a measure of the finished film. ... More


Posted by Revstar at 12:55, 13 October 2011 \| Report This Post



Total Miss-keteers
Three Musketeers 3D wasted two hours of my life last night. What a steaming pile of overblown rubbish. Looked fabulous, and lots of talent totally wasted by dire script and direction. It was like the bastard child of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and Matrix III. A classic adventure, rendered into some sort of comic strip structure but then scripted by a 12 year old – presumably so it is not too complex for the American market, and presented with all the emotion and engagement ... More


Posted by Arrad Foot at 11:01, 13 October 2011 \| Report This Post



RE: We Need To Talk About Empire
The average score Empire awards Paul WS Anderson is 2/5 (Death Race, Alien vs Predator, the entire Resident Evil series) and yet here you are accusing Empire of 'sucking the corporate pecker' because they're awarding his latest film 3/5 and calling it a guilty pleasure. Are you fucking kidding me? I guess you can always blackmail the staff into writing a review specifically for your individual taste by waving the current state of your Empire subscription in their face though. That'll work!... More

Posted by Gazz at 15:18, 11 October 2011 \| Report This Post



We Need To Talk About Empire
Oh god, NO No No. This was highly insulting to anyone who is a fan of the original story. Heck even that Charlie Sheen version was better than this mess. EMPIRE I think have a soft spot for Anderson I think and it's really starting to show. That and the fact they keep playing his promo-reels at Movie con. Stop sucking on the corporate Pecker Empire, You are not Rock N Roll anymore. My subscription renewal is hanging in the balance now. ... More


Posted by blindfold at 09:16, 11 October 2011 \| Report This Post



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The Three MusketeersFrom Dumas to dumbass

The Three Musketeers
From Dumas to dumbass