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Reviews
STAR RATINGS EXPLAINED
Unmissable 5 Stars
Excellent 4 Stars
Good 3 Stars
Poor 2 Stars
Tragic 1 Star

POSTER ART
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FILM DETAILS
Certificate
12A
Cast
Sienna Miller
Brendan Fraser
Rachel Nichols
Dennis Quaid
Channing Tatum
Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Directors
Stephen Sommers.
Screenwriters
Stuart Beattie.
Running Time
118 minutes

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G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra
Like Action Man, but Americaner.


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Plot
In the not-too-distant future, US Army grunts Duke (Tatum) and Ripcord (Wayans) are tasked with couriering “nanomite”-filled warheads, when they’re ambushed by mysterious baddies armed with supercool hi-tech weaponry — one of them Duke’s ex, Ana (Miller) — and saved by mysterious goodies with more supercool hi-tech weaponry. The goodies the Alpha Team of GI Joe, a secret international force formed for, uh, fighting baddies.


Review
G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra
Browse more images »
The trick with Stephen Sommers is not to take him too seriously. His Deep Rising (giant squid-monster attacks hijacked luxury cruiser) was immensely daft, but huge fun. Same goes for The Mummy. And there is a level on which GI Joe, his brash, loud take on the long-lived Hasbro toy line, is enjoyable. The way, for example, it embraces cliché. In one scene, chumpy hero Duke expresses his anguish by riding a motorbike through a military graveyard in the rain. Wearing sunglasses. In another, the token team ice-queen (Rachel Nichols’ laserbow-wielding Scarlet) announces to horny-dog Ripcord (Marlon Wayans, whose spoof credentials fit well) that she doesn’t believe in emotions because they aren’t scientifically provable. Even if they are.

The script is almost wilfully stupid, throwing out such anti-zingers as, “Damn, that ninja’s fast!”, “dead guys don’t breakdance”, and one gloriously random comment from The Baronness (Sienna Miller, slumming it) to a shrieking bystander she’s just threatened with a gun: “Nice shoes”. Hugging the dumb and making it fun is Sommers’ strength. For all The Mummy Returns’ flaws, it //did// have zombie pygmies. GI Joe has a robot tuna.
However, Sommers also has his weaknesses.

Overcomplicating what should be simple plots with flashbacks, for example. One line of dialogue could have accounted for the three needless scenes in which we learn the roots of the rivalry between second-tier characters Snake Eyes (who has, for some reason, a mask with plastic lips) and Storm Shadow (a ninja who wears Daz whites). And, for no good reason, the prologue is set in 17th Century France.

Then there’s his propensity to overload a film with substandard visual effects. You’d have thought, maybe even hoped, that given a plot which involves human beings with guns rather than building-sized robots, he’d respect the Bond-influence he’s already cited and keep it practical and in-camera. Sadly not. A Parisian chase scene — yes, like Team America, these heroes trash the French capital — sees Duke and Ripcord leaping about in cyber-supersuits. The impression, appropriately, is that they’re being waved around by a giant invisible nine year-old. And the climactic undersea battle? You know Sommers wants us to think ‘Thunderball’. But the Bond movie this ugly mess most closely resembles is Die Another Day.


Verdict
Bond without the style and Team America without the bellylaughs. The moronic script and nonsensical plot are good for a snicker, though.


Reviewed by Dan Jolin


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Your Reviews

Average user rating for G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra
Empire Star Rating

RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

L: Tech_Noir L: Kazuya L: The Hooded Man It's interesting in last month's Total Film Sommers gave off about "internet movie haters" but with nearly every paper and magazine slating this film, it's the people on the internet who are actually racing to its defence, en it twice and it remains a poor filmally in terms of how it's directed, the Snake Eyes Storm Shadow battle at end is completely underwhelming and badly edited. The action sequences are a mess mostly, with Somme... More

Posted by Kazuya at 12:03, 11 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

L: Kazuya L: The Hooded Man It's interesting in last month's Total Film Sommers gave off about "internet movie haters" but with nearly every paper and magazine slating this film, it's the people on the internet who are actually racing to its defence, en it twice and it remains a poor filmally in terms of how it's directed, the Snake Eyes Storm Shadow battle at end is completely underwhelming and badly edited. The action sequences are a mess mostly, with Sommers throwing everyth... More

Posted by Tech_Noir at 11:59, 11 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

L: The Hooded Man It's interesting in last month's Total Film Sommers gave off about "internet movie haters" but with nearly every paper and magazine slating this film, it's the people on the internet who are actually racing to its defence, en it twice and it remains a poor filmally in terms of how it's directed, the Snake Eyes Storm Shadow battle at end is completely underwhelming and badly edited. The action sequences are a mess mostly, with Sommers throwing everything at the screen, ... More

Posted by Kazuya at 11:40, 11 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

It's interesting in last month's Total Film Sommers gave off about "internet movie haters" but with nearly every paper and magazine slating this film, it's the people on the internet who are actually racing to its defence, I've seen it twice and it remains a poor film especially in terms of how it's directed, the Snake Eyes Storm Shadow battle at end is completely underwhelming and badly edited. The action sequences are a mess mostly, with Sommers throwing everything at the screen, so much so... More

Posted by The Hooded Man at 11:30, 11 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

I haven't seen this yet, but I definitely will. When I first started posting on this forum I had a Snake-Eyes av and frequently posted stuff about just how good it would be to actually get a G.I. Joe film. I even did a thread with my cast selection presented, long before anything was planned or announced, none of which have made it into the film, except Gordon-Levitt, who I wanted to play Zartan. But hey, Cobra Commander is fine as well. Nodody really noticed my admiration for the franchise sin... More

Posted by Kazuya at 11:15, 11 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: Seeing it later

You expect, you haven't witnessed it for yourself. I love shamelessly silly OTT films, but this tried too hard to make it plot based and became so tedious there was no point I gave a crap for the characters. ... More

Posted by Ethanial at 08:49, 11 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: respect the ninjas

Just got back from seeing this and thought it was bloody good fun! Non stop action all the way plus Rachel Nichols and Sienna Miller looking hot.For once it was good to see a fun action film based on an 80's franchise that didnt suck and star that annoying twat Shia le Beauf. It wont change your life and you will probably have forgotten about it after an hour or so,but you will have a good time.I give it a high 3 stars. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by darth silas at 23:52, 10 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: Brilliant Fun

It is easy to compare lost ark to GI joe. Both are heavy on stunts/effects, both have/will spawn sequals, neither went out to get oscars.   Star Trek this year was the same a FX heavy pop corn filck but at least that was exciting and didnt have to reduce it's self to blowing everything up.   Your right that stuidos will not stump up the money for origanal IP. Look at the matrix tho. The 1st one came from no where and was amazing. ... More

Posted by Death_Row_Marv at 23:50, 10 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: Brilliant Fun

L: Death_Row_Marv I went to see it so I can have an opinion on it.  I'm not a person to bad mouth something without seeing it.  Hell I will watch pretty much every film that comes out at the cinema. My point is that if you give a film like this 3 or 4 stars when it clear does not deserve it is wrong.  What do u give raiders of lost ark then??? Same sort of popcorn entertainment film yet one is a classic and deserves 5 stars the other is a 2 hour noise fest devoid of a g... More

Posted by blackduck at 16:20, 10 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: Brilliant Fun

I went to see it so I can have an opinion on it.  I’m not a person to bad mouth something without seeing it.  Hell I will watch pretty much every film that comes out at the cinema.   My point is that if you give a film like this 3 or 4 stars when it clear does not deserve it is wrong.  What do u give raiders of lost ark then??? Same sort of popcorn entertainment film yet one is a classic and deserves 5 stars the other is a 2 hour noise fest devoid of a good script, good ... More

Posted by Death_Row_Marv at 14:04, 10 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: Generic crap.

L: nc_jj This stupid bullshit of a movie is, along with Transformers 2, a strong contender for the worst film of the year. It's very true what Empire says, this is Team America without laughs. It's not brilliant, and it doesn't deserve, even, one star. This is one of the worst films of this, or any other, TIME! Please, do not waste time, nor money. ooo you watched the trailer a couple of times, which shows exactly what the tone of the film is like, you also must've known that it was ... More

Posted by captainrentboy at 10:17, 10 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: Generic crap.

Saw this yesterday and of course no surprises . Anyone who has seen the trailer knows what they are getting ..... so why the negativity ? It was'nt as cheesy as a Power Rangers movie but not as good an actioner as Tranformers . But i'll say this .... i enjoyed it more than the dross that was Wolverine . The Paris chase is well staged and the Women look great ... but ... what the hell was that 30 second Brendan Fraser cameo all about ? It was as though he just turned up on set one day and barg... More

Posted by Beno at 09:26, 10 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: Generic crap.

tly as a toy ad for 12 year old boys (which is basically what the original cartoon was) this succeeds on every level. t=calibri]But what’s it like if you’re an adult wanting a proper movie? t=calibri]Well if you go in expecting a cartoonish, overblown, fun action movie you won’t be disappointed. Sure Somers hasn’t gotten over his love of ropey CGI. Yes the president of the US is bizarrely English (as are the French, the cops helpfully having the word POLICE on their vests for foreigners). But n... More

Posted by blackduck at 08:59, 10 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

I like how most of the posters on here can't quite find it in themselves to just say ''Yeah, I enjoyed it'' e's always got to be the little negative disclaimer in front of the praise. Rediculously stupid but.... The most silly film I've ever seen but..... It was a bit rubbish but...... There's nothing wrong with some mindless fun now and again guys, stop feeling guilty about it. ... More

Posted by captainrentboy at 09:20, 09 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

Saw this last night with a group of friends. It was incredibly daft, but I left the cinema with a huge smile across my face. ... More

Posted by adambatman82 at 22:36, 08 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

Simultaneously one of the most entertaining and fucking stupid films I've seen in a long, long time.   Firstly, it has characters called Duke Hazard and Dr Mindbender in, some of the effects are seriously shoddy and it has a Wayans brother in.   One the other hand, if I was 12 years old still. This would be the BEST FILM EVER.   Bungee jumping ninjas, ladies in leather, heroes in leather jackets... mourning in the rain... wearing sunglasses, armies of underwater fight... More

Posted by Timon at 21:38, 08 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

Enjoyable, entertaining popcorn flick. Great to watch on big screen. Despite cheap effects compared to Terminator Salvation, or Transformers... movie got some bright spots, especially in Shadow Storm and Snake Eyes, real badass. And I did thoroughly enjoy those accelerators/car chase, as mind-numbing as they were to watch.   Obviously, don't go in expecting The Dark Knight people, it IS Stephen Sommers we are fucking talking about, poor man's Michael Bay so...   Also, tho... More

Posted by YoungChris at 21:19, 08 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

L: The REAL Bozz GI Joe is a great film. Lots of fun. After Star Trek it has to be the summer flick I have enjoyed the most. I suppose people who see it and have no knowledge of the cartoon will write it off as shit and silly. I loved the cartoon and the figures and it was just a good rendition of them on the big screen. Don't know where the "acting" is shit tripe is coming from. It isn't. All the cast have fun playing goofy larger than life characters. Stands outs for me were Baroness, S... More

Posted by genejoke at 17:16, 08 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: Brilliant Fun

L: kenada_woo L: Lex Romero I'm not sure what your point is Kenada.  :-/  People aren't allowed to say a film is shit if it's based on toys because that means it's "ok" that it's shit? If "what did you expect" is meant to be a defense of the film, then it's a poor one.  Expecting it to be shit doesn't make it ok that it's shit.  And if you're just saying "what did you expect" for some other reason, then why bother?  He can't post his opinion because he ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by genejoke at 17:08, 08 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

GI Joe is a great film. Lots of fun. After Star Trek it has to be the summer flick I have enjoyed the most. I suppose people who see it and have no knowledge of the cartoon will write it off as shit and silly. I loved the cartoon and the figures and it was just a good rendition of them on the big screen. Don't know where the "acting" is shit tripe is coming from. It isn't. All the cast have fun playing goofy larger than life characters. Stands outs for me were Baroness, Scarlett, Duke and Snake... More

Posted by The REAL Bozz at 12:44, 08 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

Evil Nevar Looked so Good omgz lolz   Until I saw that tag line, I was prepared to give it a chance.  ... More

Posted by Drone at 11:05, 08 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

Saw this last night and thoroughly enjoyed it. It's a shame it's getting like the AICN boards on here, what with people calling other folk stupid just for enjoying an action packed summer blockbuster.an almighty shitty week in work this was just the type of flick I needed to wind down and chill out. I thought it was far more enjoyable than Transformers 2, as it didn't ever feel like it was outstaying its welcome. Sure some the CGI was a tad ropey, but at the same time I thought the accelerato... More

Posted by captainrentboy at 08:18, 08 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: Completely brilliant, yet total rubbish

This film is an absolute turd to all but the most dull-witted of viewers, so I'll try to say something nice about it instead! Sienna Miller is pretty hot in a slutty, home-wrecker kind of way, Rachel Nichols is just plain old hot;)] GI JOE FUCK YEAH! COMIN' TO SAVE THE MOTHER-FUCKIN' DAY NOW! ... More

Posted by spamandham at 03:52, 08 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

who else loved the 'sperm' visual joke?  craked me up.  this film is hilariously bad and it was just what i wanted to chill out with my friends and have a laugh. ... More

Posted by boove at 22:56, 07 August 2009 | Report This Post


RE: Brilliant Fun

L: Rgirvan44 Hmmm... No COOOBRAAAAAAA!!! then. That is disappointing. Is it like Cobra Beigns or something? If I liked Street Fighter (Van Damme's) would this be at about the same level of fun? sp; LOL yeah, Cobra Begins.    GI Joe is like The Matrix compared to Street Fighter (bit unfair to stick GI Joe in that bracket).  ... More

Posted by kenada_woo at 19:09, 07 August 2009 | Report This Post


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