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Sienna Miller
Brendan Fraser
Rachel Nichols
Dennis Quaid
Channing Tatum
Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Stephen Sommers.
Stuart Beattie.
Running Time
118 minutes

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G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra
Like Action Man, but Americaner.

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In the not-too-distant future, US Army grunts Duke (Tatum) and Ripcord (Wayans) are tasked with couriering “nanomite”-filled warheads, when they’re ambushed by mysterious baddies armed with supercool hi-tech weaponry — one of them Duke’s ex, Ana (Miller) — and saved by mysterious goodies with more supercool hi-tech weaponry. The goodies the Alpha Team of GI Joe, a secret international force formed for, uh, fighting baddies.

G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra
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The trick with Stephen Sommers is not to take him too seriously. His Deep Rising (giant squid-monster attacks hijacked luxury cruiser) was immensely daft, but huge fun. Same goes for The Mummy. And there is a level on which GI Joe, his brash, loud take on the long-lived Hasbro toy line, is enjoyable. The way, for example, it embraces cliché. In one scene, chumpy hero Duke expresses his anguish by riding a motorbike through a military graveyard in the rain. Wearing sunglasses. In another, the token team ice-queen (Rachel Nichols’ laserbow-wielding Scarlet) announces to horny-dog Ripcord (Marlon Wayans, whose spoof credentials fit well) that she doesn’t believe in emotions because they aren’t scientifically provable. Even if they are.

The script is almost wilfully stupid, throwing out such anti-zingers as, “Damn, that ninja’s fast!”, “dead guys don’t breakdance”, and one gloriously random comment from The Baronness (Sienna Miller, slumming it) to a shrieking bystander she’s just threatened with a gun: “Nice shoes”. Hugging the dumb and making it fun is Sommers’ strength. For all The Mummy Returns’ flaws, it //did// have zombie pygmies. GI Joe has a robot tuna.
However, Sommers also has his weaknesses.

Overcomplicating what should be simple plots with flashbacks, for example. One line of dialogue could have accounted for the three needless scenes in which we learn the roots of the rivalry between second-tier characters Snake Eyes (who has, for some reason, a mask with plastic lips) and Storm Shadow (a ninja who wears Daz whites). And, for no good reason, the prologue is set in 17th Century France.

Then there’s his propensity to overload a film with substandard visual effects. You’d have thought, maybe even hoped, that given a plot which involves human beings with guns rather than building-sized robots, he’d respect the Bond-influence he’s already cited and keep it practical and in-camera. Sadly not. A Parisian chase scene — yes, like Team America, these heroes trash the French capital — sees Duke and Ripcord leaping about in cyber-supersuits. The impression, appropriately, is that they’re being waved around by a giant invisible nine year-old. And the climactic undersea battle? You know Sommers wants us to think ‘Thunderball’. But the Bond movie this ugly mess most closely resembles is Die Another Day.

Bond without the style and Team America without the bellylaughs. The moronic script and nonsensical plot are good for a snicker, though.

Reviewed by Dan Jolin

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G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra

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Average user rating for G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra
Empire Star Rating

America **** Yeah!

Read my review at  ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by danclay77 at 17:48, 11 September 2009 | Report This Post

Big, Loud, Dumb, Special effects filled and cheesy summer fun

This film is cheesy, poorly written, special effects filled, is loud, has lost of fight sequences, is very very camp in places and unbearably cliched and cheesy in others. However like empire said it maintains a solid sense of ridiculous 6 year old boy fantasties. It is good to see Christopher Ecclestone however playing a villain in a big hollywood movie lets hope though that he has better projects for his talents in the future. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by THE DALTONATOR at 11:15, 08 September 2009 | Report This Post

Oh dear

Gi Joe is one of the worst films I've ever seen, which was frustrating because I'm sure that somebody could have made a good film out of Gi Joe, but no, they really messed this up ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by gritslipper at 10:47, 07 September 2009 | Report This Post


I believe that when Jon Jolin referred to this movie as Team America without the 'bellylaughs', he meant intentional ones. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by geoff394 at 17:31, 24 August 2009 | Report This Post

RE: simple fun

I hope you do. It's nothing personal since I quite like you, but treating members like that is not on. ... More

Posted by max314 at 20:31, 21 August 2009 | Report This Post

RE: simple fun

L: max314 quote]r, you could post your review here, and not spam your own website outside of your signature? - Neth]/i]Hm, well maybe if you could find a way to support images in your reviews forum (a luxury enjoyed by even the shittiest forums on the internet) I wouldn't have the need to link off-site in order to display it. Also, I am a long-established member with no history of spamming content, and so find the idea that a site official making such an accusation to be shockingly sham... More

Posted by Neth at 20:24, 21 August 2009 | Report This Post

RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

Gi Joe has some impressive action set pieces especially in Paris and has a fun premise but is let down by clunky corny dialogue and some very dogy accents especially from the black English actor who was Mr Ecko in Lost giving the worst cockney accent since Don Cheedle in the Oceans remakes. The so called twists you can also see a mile away but it was fun enough. Not crap but not as good as the Mummy films so if you didn`t like them you certainly won`t like this! 3/5 ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by Cruisecontroller at 15:29, 21 August 2009 | Report This Post

RE: simple fun

dutchSith I don't think the comment was directed at you but rather Neth (whom is a moderator) making a comment with regars to max314's comment. ... More

Posted by sanchia at 14:39, 21 August 2009 | Report This Post

RE: simple fun

Ehhhr? I WROTE a review.....what's all this about spamming my website? I have no Idea what you're talking about. ... More

Posted by dutchSith at 09:41, 21 August 2009 | Report This Post

RE: simple fun

Joe: The Rise of Cobrars, 2009):ffective ensemble pieces about a team or group of people with a common dramatic purpose are generally quite difficult to get right. Recent success stories include the likes of Soderbergh's Ocean's Eleven (2001) while classics like The Seven Samurai (Kurosawa, 1954) continue to be held up as prime examples of the genre. And so it should come as little surprise that G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, brought to you from the director of The Mummy (1999), The Mummy Retur... More

Posted by max314 at 12:07, 20 August 2009 | Report This Post

RE: superheroes are /sooo/ passe.

Dude, they are making a Lego movie (and I'm not yanking your chain or anything else for that matter) ... More

Posted by MOnkeyboy1138 at 10:03, 19 August 2009 | Report This Post

GI-Blow (see what I did there, how witty am I)

Ok, watched this film last night and it was the first film I have ever come out of that I was physically angry with. Almost everything in this film is wrong everything!!! Now I know it's a summer movie, it ain't supposed to be deep. But it certainly ain't fun, every attempt at humour was greeted with groans of disapproval from the entire screen. I want to also add this straight off of the bat I liked Van Helsing, the Mummy, the Mummy returns and Deep Rising. I do enjoy a good mindless ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by MOnkeyboy1138 at 10:01, 19 August 2009 | Report This Post

RE: G I know, the plot should be given 'zero.'

Here is my blog review of GI Joe:   If the year 2009 was a movie, it would probably have the tag line “The Rise of Hasbro”.  The toy and game manufacturer has launched its second movie franchise on an unsuspecting world after last month’s rmers 2is is another film clearly set up for a future return visit to the world of GI Joe.   GI Joe are an elite classified fighting force.  They appear to be an American institution although apart from head honcho, Dennis Quaid, no... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by Groovy Mule at 01:09, 19 August 2009 | Report This Post

RE: Empire needs to chill

Stupid fun! A good looking cast mixed with a silly plot and lashings of action. Admittedly Dennis Quaid was pretty pointless with regards to his character but the film never outstayed it's welcome and kept me suitably amused. The CGI was a bit shoddy but not enough to distract me and there were some great sequences such as the chase through Paris. A decent film. ... More

Posted by sanchia at 00:12, 16 August 2009 | Report This Post


Wow just wow!! one of the most ott movies i think ive ever seen and for some strange reason i quite enjoyed it. basically its rubbish the plots all over the place, theres tons of dodgy cgi moments which i detest, the usa president is english??the fecking supersuits!! theres plenty of wrong in this movie but.....i just cant put my finger on it why i quite liked it and would watch a 2nd?? S suppose i was a fan of... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by Frank Castle at 08:37, 13 August 2009 | Report This Post


Obviously there seems to be a big 'well what did you expect?' argument being bandied about, and obviously this is Stephen Sommers directing a movie based on a line of toys.  For Sommers though this should really be the perfect marriage, his previous films are either cheesy and enjoyable (Deep Rising, The Mummy) or just plain awful (The Mummy Returns, Van Helsing).  Come the finale of G.I. Joe you begin to suspect that when you look at a small child playing with its toys, waving them e... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by kingoftheducks at 02:32, 13 August 2009 | Report This Post


This is quite amusing of-g-i-joe Julieanne Moore as Scarlett Vinne Jones as Destro Henry Rollins as Duke and so on and so forth.... ... More

Posted by Rgirvan44 at 23:18, 12 August 2009 | Report This Post


I went to see this yesterday expecting the worst after hearing all the bad reviews for the film. I am drawn like a moth to a flame to the summer bockbusters and so far I have only felt burned once (Transformers 2). This film is what it is. The ultimate 12 year olds wet dream. I am not twelve anymore of course but I can still access that part of me when needed. The two bits that took the edge of the film for me though were the casting of Duke. That guy was so wooden and the exploding ice that su... More

Posted by presterjohn at 07:08, 12 August 2009 | Report This Post

RE: Seeing it later

ou give this 3 stars then what do u give classics then????????????? rm, 5 stars maybe??? The way I usually interperate star ratings is, 1 star - Crap, 2 stars - just about bearable, 3 stars - distinctly average, 4 stars - good solid movie, 5 stars - excellent Why are a lot of people on here reacting as if a 3 star rating is a huge score? I gave this a 3, because for me it was pretty poor on many levels but entertaining nontheless. I won't defend it too much, the acting was terrible, t... More

Posted by Cheeze at 00:11, 12 August 2009 | Report This Post

RE: Seeing it later

Hollywood hasn't dumbed down at all, It's producing the same quantities of average shite as it ever was. And of all the average popcorn fodder out there GI Joe is one of the better ones. Not every movie can be a masterpiece, and tobe honest , wouldn't want it to be. After a hard week at work sometimes it's nice just to sit back and watch shit happen without troubling my brain too much. But I think I get your point, one of the reasons I enjoyed it so much is because of the poor showing (Star ... More

Posted by blackduck at 17:23, 11 August 2009 | Report This Post

RE: Seeing it later

So if you give this 3 stars then what do u give classics then?????????????   This is my pont.  Hollywood as dumbed us all down so much shit like this is getting peole to give it 3 or more stars when it does not deserve it.   It will be a sad dark day when the green light the sequal. And it will happen.    On the plus if they do a sequal it cant be any worse than the origanal.  Just look at transformers.......Oh wait um guess it could be worse. ... More

Posted by Death_Row_Marv at 15:13, 11 August 2009 | Report This Post

RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

Yeah, I'll probably end up asking a lot of questions as well, but I'll try and see if I can't lock the inner fanboy away for a bit and just have fun with it. I know the Hama stories by heart so I'll notice instantly though, it's gonna be a little difficult, I think, but I'll make an effort. As for your comments on the right age to thoroughly enjoy fluff like that, I think you're right, I'm a kid of the 80s and I agree that most of the flicks I enjoyed back then would be heavily panned by kids... More

Posted by Kazuya at 13:32, 11 August 2009 | Report This Post

RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

He thought it was worse than I did, pointing out they should have took a story from one of the numerous brilliant comics. He did make a point, which I kind of agree with, that there was quite a lot of good ideas that were lost in Sommers' determination to keep it moving at 200mph. He also said Ripcord's depiction was a joke compared to the original character. He will also be reading this because he's also a member of the forum. Then again, I get the feeling if I caught this at the age of ... More

Posted by The Hooded Man at 13:10, 11 August 2009 | Report This Post

RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

Okay. Did your brother like the flick? ... More

Posted by Kazuya at 12:17, 11 August 2009 | Report This Post

RE: G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra

A press screening and went with my brother who is a huge GI Joe / Action Force fan. ... More

Posted by The Hooded Man at 12:13, 11 August 2009 | Report This Post

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