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STAR RATINGS EXPLAINED
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Tragic 1 Star

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FILM DETAILS
Certificate
12A
Cast
Sienna Miller
Brendan Fraser
Rachel Nichols
Dennis Quaid
Channing Tatum
Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Directors
Stephen Sommers.
Screenwriters
Stuart Beattie.
Running Time
118 minutes

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G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra
Like Action Man, but Americaner.


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Plot
In the not-too-distant future, US Army grunts Duke (Tatum) and Ripcord (Wayans) are tasked with couriering “nanomite”-filled warheads, when they’re ambushed by mysterious baddies armed with supercool hi-tech weaponry — one of them Duke’s ex, Ana (Miller) — and saved by mysterious goodies with more supercool hi-tech weaponry. The goodies the Alpha Team of GI Joe, a secret international force formed for, uh, fighting baddies.


Review
G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra
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The trick with Stephen Sommers is not to take him too seriously. His Deep Rising (giant squid-monster attacks hijacked luxury cruiser) was immensely daft, but huge fun. Same goes for The Mummy. And there is a level on which GI Joe, his brash, loud take on the long-lived Hasbro toy line, is enjoyable. The way, for example, it embraces cliché. In one scene, chumpy hero Duke expresses his anguish by riding a motorbike through a military graveyard in the rain. Wearing sunglasses. In another, the token team ice-queen (Rachel Nichols’ laserbow-wielding Scarlet) announces to horny-dog Ripcord (Marlon Wayans, whose spoof credentials fit well) that she doesn’t believe in emotions because they aren’t scientifically provable. Even if they are.

The script is almost wilfully stupid, throwing out such anti-zingers as, “Damn, that ninja’s fast!”, “dead guys don’t breakdance”, and one gloriously random comment from The Baronness (Sienna Miller, slumming it) to a shrieking bystander she’s just threatened with a gun: “Nice shoes”. Hugging the dumb and making it fun is Sommers’ strength. For all The Mummy Returns’ flaws, it //did// have zombie pygmies. GI Joe has a robot tuna.
However, Sommers also has his weaknesses.

Overcomplicating what should be simple plots with flashbacks, for example. One line of dialogue could have accounted for the three needless scenes in which we learn the roots of the rivalry between second-tier characters Snake Eyes (who has, for some reason, a mask with plastic lips) and Storm Shadow (a ninja who wears Daz whites). And, for no good reason, the prologue is set in 17th Century France.

Then there’s his propensity to overload a film with substandard visual effects. You’d have thought, maybe even hoped, that given a plot which involves human beings with guns rather than building-sized robots, he’d respect the Bond-influence he’s already cited and keep it practical and in-camera. Sadly not. A Parisian chase scene — yes, like Team America, these heroes trash the French capital — sees Duke and Ripcord leaping about in cyber-supersuits. The impression, appropriately, is that they’re being waved around by a giant invisible nine year-old. And the climactic undersea battle? You know Sommers wants us to think ‘Thunderball’. But the Bond movie this ugly mess most closely resembles is Die Another Day.


Verdict
Bond without the style and Team America without the bellylaughs. The moronic script and nonsensical plot are good for a snicker, though.


Reviewed by Dan Jolin


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G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra
 

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Average user rating for G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra
Empire Star Rating

RE: RE:

filmigos couldn't agree with you more except I thought you where to kind probably the worst over rated piece of **** I seen in a while all because it was made for young audience hoped it would've been better because the first one was good ... More

Posted by classics_are_best at 00:32, 28 April 2013 | Report This Post


RE: RE:

I enjoyed the movie. Sure, it's not probably worth seeing in the theater. Maybe the one cool action sequence on the mountain with the ninjas. BUt one scene does not a great movie make. For a rental, I think it's great. Just enough mind-numbing to keep me entertained. Which is about all it offered. Feel free to check out Paulie Popcorn's review! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-w5x0ZxGkE ... More

Posted by filmigos at 04:35, 18 April 2013 | Report This Post


RE:

Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) Based on the iconic American action figure which was originally based around real US military units/branches. Better known in the UK as the iconic 'Action Man' and was (I think) the only soldier based toy of the time, plus it had many accessories to boot!. I had an 'Action Man' plus a few vehicles when I was younger, I can never forget the extreme blonde buzz cut he had and 'Barbie-like' clothing hehe never really stuck with this particular toy. Then whilst... More

Posted by Phubbs at 08:02, 17 April 2013 | Report This Post


And why the fuck was there some kind of Star Wars-esque underwater space ship fight?! ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by Zach_JC at 18:57, 04 May 2012 | Report This Post


Utter nonsense

It was literally one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life. The acting was awful, the dialogue was dire, an utterly nonsense plot full of cliches and plot holes, poor directing and incredibly abismal CGI ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by Zach_JC at 18:54, 04 May 2012 | Report This Post


G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra Review

While fans of the Hasbro toy franchise may revel in a bit of nostalgia, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is largely a cartoonish, over-the-top action fest propelled by silly writing, inconsistent visual effects, and merely passable performances. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by the film man at 14:28, 19 December 2011 | Report This Post


Hello, my weird, childhood friends. And Scarlett, why not be my weird, adult friend?

Back in the distant, primordial past, it seemed either impractical or very bad form to covet both Star Wars and GI Joe figures. I was a Star Wars kid, I’d like to think because their doughy, smiling faces were evocative of childhood innocence. Nevertheless, GI Joe: I was fascinated by them. The tiny accessories, of real-world machine guns, pistols, etc. So easy for a child to lose, why supply them at all? And the audacious number of articulated joints on the figures – a kid coul... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by Then again who does? at 09:33, 17 April 2011 | Report This Post


RE: Mindless action movie of the worst kind

I just watched this about an hour ago. It is the stupidest film around but i somehow watched all of it. It reminded me a bit of the Power Rangers movie. I cant really say much else about it other than Sienna Miller was so foooking hot in this and my brain is mush. I lawled a bit at Brendon Fraser though. Something about some ninjas and a cobra. ... More

Posted by kumar at 15:53, 18 May 2010 | Report This Post


Mindless action movie of the worst kind

The problem about this movie is that it offers nothing in substance (no surprise there) but also nothing in action. The plot is nonsensical, special effects are ropey and action scenes, while delivering in entertainment, are hardly anything to write home about. Not to mention the usual horrible acting, laughable writing and unspired directing from a previously not-so-bad Stephen Sommers. Do yourself a favour and watch The Dark Knight instead for your action fix. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by djphilips at 20:24, 08 April 2010 | Report This Post


Great On Action, Bad On Story.

Stephen Sommers is one awesome guy. He makes great action and fun filled adventures like The Mummy/The Mummy Returns. With G.I Joe, it's more or less the same but has a terrible plot and bad story wise. The pefomances werrn't staged, the special effects were good and the action was loud enough to blast the speakers. Just a shame that I couldn't understand the story. At times, it made no sense and got annoyed of the constant jumping from subplot to another. It wasn't laugh out loud funny but did ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by joanna likes films at 14:46, 28 February 2010 | Report This Post


RE: Wasn't expecting much, but jeeeeezzz....

Watched this yesterday for the first time as for some reason my housemate bought it. Really didn't think I'd enjoy it, didn't even want to, but I couldn't help find it mindless fun. Everyone in it seems to be enjoying themselves so much, and some of the set pieces are impressive (although I thought some of the cgi was surprisingly poor). Still, entertaining brain-on-standby fluff. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by superdan at 10:55, 28 February 2010 | Report This Post


Wasn't expecting much, but jeeeeezzz....

I wanted it to be good, even on a 'mindless action' level like Sommers' previous efforts, but it just isn't. I think I came up with better plots and dialogue when I was playing with GI Joe figures many years ago. And possibly better acting as well. Its a shame, as others have said, because the potential was there. Who was the guy playing Duke? Was he aware that he was being filmed? I found it slightly amusing that they just casually called each other "Duke" and "Snake Eyes" and "Ripcord"... More

Posted by Sotto Voce at 12:26, 13 January 2010 | Report This Post


Harmless fun and quite entertaining

Watched this on DVD last night. I happen to like sommers movies. they don't pretend to be anything that they're not. they're entertaining and a good way to spend 120mins of your life. beats watching celebrity big brother. more of the same please. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by livewire at 12:59, 07 January 2010 | Report This Post


Good fun

I really enjoyed this, I thought it was a lot of fun. Silly nonsense but very entertaining. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by RogueElement at 01:21, 13 December 2009 | Report This Post


RE:

Watched it on DVD last night. Now Sommers isn't know for his well crafted independant film making and so you book in for a few hours and get a a war film with toys in it - essentially what Action Force (to us brits) was always about.   Corny, cliched, a plot wriiten by a four year old yes, but all wrapped up in the fun etertainment it was meant to be.   As a collecter of the toys and comics as a child I was a huge fan so purely for cuiosity I watched it and was an enjoyable tw... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by JIm R at 10:44, 11 December 2009 | Report This Post


Shit Beyond belief and i like bit stupid blockbusters like Transformers and 2012 . This was just boring 3/10 ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by filmburner30 at 10:34, 09 December 2009 | Report This Post


Goes Downhill - Fast

Only one thing persuaded me to give this pile of nonsense more than one star. The Paris chase scene. Yes, of course, it's completely over the top, but that's the whole point. It's fun, yet it's so ridiculous that one doesn't even shudder at the magnificence of the French capital being ripped to pieces. One of the criticisms of this film is that the scene showing the Eiffel Tower's demise is distinctly uncomfortable in the post 9/11 era. I disagree. The whole scene is so absurd, the movie... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by magiclips at 07:21, 08 December 2009 | Report This Post


Goes Downhill - Fast

  Edited.  Double Post. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by magiclips at 07:21, 08 December 2009 | Report This Post


This movie is cool

I was expecting cliche after cliche and that's exactly what i got. I was expecting awesome action scenes and special effects - and that's what I got. what I wasn't expecting was a genuinly funny script and some half decent character development. I disagree with the reviewer when he says that flashbacks revealing the characters pasts could have been avoided to save time. seeing has a lot more of an impact that hearing in this context. why would I want to hear the ninja talk about how he used to... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by Smootle at 22:34, 29 November 2009 | Report This Post


This movie is cool

I was expecting cliche after cliche and that's exactly what i got. I was expecting awesome action scenes and special effects - and that's what I got. what I wasn't expecting was a genuinly funny script and some half decent character development. I disagree with the reviewer when he says that flashbacks revealing the characters pasts could have been avoided to save time. seeing has a lot more of an impact that hearing in this context. why would I want to hear the ninja talk about how he used to... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by Smootle at 22:33, 29 November 2009 | Report This Post


G.I. JOKE

Never seen anything as fuckin' ridiculous as this in all my natural. Sooooo disappointing. For me though, it's not all bad, I'd rate this as the comedy of the year so far, unintentionally of course. This is a one star movie but I'll give it a two for the effort put into the special effects. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by CIRVIRUS64 at 01:40, 08 October 2009 | Report This Post


RE: America **** Yeah!

L: Olaf I'm guessing it's because there's no mods about. Not that "Mr 24 Post"'s post count makes any difference. Right Max? (that said, it is obviously a spam account, so I'm not sure how he's gone so long without modly action taken.) he post count was merely referring to the fact that I'm a long-standing poster who had his review link removed on account of spamming (I wasn't - I just wanted to be able to post the image in my review, which this part of the board doesn't support) wherea... More

Posted by max314 at 11:29, 13 September 2009 | Report This Post


RE: America **** Yeah!

I'm guessing it's because there's no mods about. Not that "Mr 24 Post"'s post count makes any difference. Right Max? (that said, it is obviously a spam account, so I'm not sure how he's gone so long without modly action taken.) ... More

Posted by Olaf at 00:46, 13 September 2009 | Report This Post


RE: America **** Yeah!

Wait, how come Mr. 24 Posts gets to link to his blog i] without anyone getting a woody? ... More

Posted by max314 at 00:23, 13 September 2009 | Report This Post


America **** Yeah!

Read my review at  ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by danclay77 at 17:48, 11 September 2009 | Report This Post


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