Empire's Piranha 3D Movie Review

Piranha 3D
Kelly Brook is the big breakfast

Plot
Just before Spring Break, when hordes of horny young folks flock to Lake Victoria to party, an underwater earthquake releases a horde of prehistoric piranha. The weekend ends in carnage.

Review

Joe Dante’s Piranha was the freshest of many Jaws imitations which swam along in the late ‘70s, so it’s apt that this opens with a splendid Jaws gag as fish finally get a revenge they were cheated out of when Spielberg changed the end of the book. Dante took a smart John Sayles script, appealingly oddball actors and gory fish effects, and spun off a loveable programmer – but Piranha is scarcely sacred text, so this doesn’t seem like the affront to a classic many recent redos have been. In lieu of Sayles’ anti-militarist plot, the new Piranha imitates the 1983 teen hijinx picture Spring Break, filling the screen with beer-drinking, bikini-ogling and wet t-shirt action.

If nothing else, the new Piranha is worth it for a 3D nude underwater lesbian ballet - as Kelly Brook (bless!) and porn star Riley Steele simultaneously hold their breaths and each other’s breasts to the tune of that opera aria (the Flower Duet from Lakmé by Delibes) familiar as the sapphic sex theme in The Hunger. With a barely minimal explanation, mutant cannibal piranha from the Pleistocene start munching on everyone in sight! Actors are pretty much superfluous, but Sheriff Elisabeth Shue does one great stepping-from-one-upturned-boat-to-the-next stunt, Christopher Lloyd sells the lunatic icthyology lecture, Ving Rhames takes on fish with a shotgun, and Jerry O’Connell’s prosthetic penis features in a scene without precedent in legal films. Some spectacular work comes from extras splattered in ridiculous, appalling, often hilarious fashion – the end credits include a shout-out to the Society of Amputee Surfers, who perform above and beyond the call of duty.
Inevitably, it’s in 3D. Not smooth Avatar-Pixar-type 3D, but a wonky process closer to Victorian stereo-opticon or those plastic slide-viewers, which is somehow apt as director Alexandre Aja (in the third of three remakes in a row) thinks of crass things to do: tits and bums are thrust out of the screen, a girl (and a fish) puke into the camera, body parts and shreds of fish splatter all over the stalls, and there’s almost-pretty underwater exploration. It has some suspense, but mostly it’s content with chaos. Let’s hope the producers have the rights to remake James Cameron’s debut feature, Piranah 2: Flying Killers, next.

Verdict

Reviewed by Kim Newman

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Your Reviews

Average user rating for Piranha 3D

RE: Piranha 3D
To be honest, though, this film is nowhere near as 'terrible' as most modern day blockbusters. Even if I was judging it on purely 'serious' merits, then it would still be well above lots of films from the last year. Really good fun, great homage of old monster/exploitation movies, as well as a nice satire on how this kind of movie is done nowadays. Walks the line perfectly between seriousness and spoof, resulting in what is surely one of the most entertaining films I've seen at the cinema.... More

Posted by Piles at 23:38, 27 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
Terrible film but really good fun all the same. Laughed so much at how ridiculous, awful and OTT it is. The Jaws references are fun and Christopher Lloyd seems to be chanelling Doc Brown. Stupid fun. ... More

Posted by Gazdance at 12:26, 27 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
L: sroey Im having a tough time convincing the missus to see this with me. She read a review saying it was basically soft porn! I had to laugh to be honest. I want to see it more now... oo mine to see it...she wasnt impressed with it haha. Really enjoyed it. Aja never shy's away from the grisly stuff and I think he and KNB FX excelled on this one. Jerry OConnell is funny as hell in the flick. Good seeing him getting a plumb role and having a laugh with it. K... More


Posted by kenada_woo at 10:55, 27 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
Don't spoil the pleasure of this film by bringing your missus!?! This is a male-only zone,and all the better for it! Besides,you wouldn't want to sit there listening to her judgemental tuts ... More

Posted by BOHEMIANBOB at 09:39, 27 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
Im having a tough time convincing the missus to see this with me. She read a review saying it was basically soft porn! I had to laugh to be honest. I want to see it more now... ... More

Posted by sroey at 09:08, 27 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
BOOBIES!! Best Film Ever! Seriously though, hugely entertaining farce. Was a lot funnier than it made out in the trailer. Jerry O'Connell was awesome. His last words were superb! Some really inventive kills too, total bloodbath. Did I mention the boobies? 4 stars! ... More

Posted by CORLEONE at 08:59, 26 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
I wasn’t too happy when I heard Alexandre Aja, who debuted with the excellent slasher Haute Tension, was embarking on his third remake in a row, even though I did enjoy The Hills Have Eyes and even bits of Mirrors. However Piranha 3D really a remake of Joe Dante’s 1978 film called Piranha, it just takes the same basic idea of killer piranhas and comes up with something new. Well......kind of. It’s very much like Snakes On A Plane, an attempt at a ‘so bad it’s good ‘B’ type of movie which by the... More


Posted by Dr Lenera at 20:56, 25 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
Can't delete! ... More

Posted by Dr Lenera at 20:55, 25 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
I saw it this afternoon and it's a 3 star flick through and through. The 3D ranged from not half bad to absolutely awful (The wide shots of the lil island the kids were stuck on just looked like one 2D picture stuck on top of another, baaad) and I was kind of expecting even more nudity (3D TITS) from the way some reviews were going on e gore effects were great as were the last 40 minutes in general. Lots of inventive, gruesome, deaths and Christoper Lloyd hamming it up to the max. Good stuff. ... More

Posted by captainrentboy at 18:47, 25 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
L: jcthefirst L: BOHEMIANBOB L: jcthefirst Eli Roth getting splattered was my favourite part. Apart from that I thought it was terrible. I wasn't expecting much, but this wasn't even a 'so bad, it's good' thing. It was just bad. Kelly was lovely though. ilege!Unbeliever!ote] Haha. I'll admit it was kinda fun, but the fun bits were few and far between. Kelly was lovely though. great!As for "fun",it was a horror! And it wasn't "so bad... More

Posted by BOHEMIANBOB at 01:05, 25 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
L: BOHEMIANBOB L: jcthefirst Eli Roth getting splattered was my favourite part. Apart from that I thought it was terrible. I wasn't expecting much, but this wasn't even a 'so bad, it's good' thing. It was just bad. Kelly was lovely though. ilege!Unbeliever!ote] Haha. I'll admit it was kinda fun, but the fun bits were few and far between. Kelly was lovely though. ... More

Posted by jcthefirst at 21:49, 24 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
L: jcthefirst Eli Roth getting splattered was my favourite part. Apart from that I thought it was terrible. I wasn't expecting much, but this wasn't even a 'so bad, it's good' thing. It was just bad. Kelly was lovely though. ilege!Unbeliever! ... More

Posted by BOHEMIANBOB at 21:46, 24 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
Eli Roth getting splattered was my favourite part. Apart from that I thought it was terrible. I wasn't expecting much, but this wasn't even a 'so bad, it's good' thing. It was just bad. Kelly was lovely though. ... More

Posted by jcthefirst at 21:43, 24 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
Spoilers! So, Matt Hooper ended his days as the human-spare-rib catalyst for a Russ Meyer-tastic - "tits-ic?" - gorefest? That should be a cinematically sacrilegeous idea - but it isn't. Kelly Brook may just have found her Scream Queen niche - destroying every comfy Saturday night TV route it seemed she was bumbling down two years ago in a role she was born to play. Jerry MConnell plays the perfect arsehole - and a pug-gremlin-faced piranha burps his chewed up ... More


Posted by rancorpuppet at 19:44, 24 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
L: nhassell L: BOHEMIANBOB The 3D though is ok,any comparison to Avatar in that regard is unfair,almost every 3D film has been poor-this is way more fun-although i would stump up extra cash to see Sam Worthington eaten by Piranhas.Literallyote]I would willing fork out my £21.50 to see Pandora be invaded by Piranha's. In 3D, of course. The 3D (In Piranha) isn't something I'd rave about, but it's not the worst I've seen, expecially being done in post-production. mash-up ever!... More

Posted by BOHEMIANBOB at 23:53, 23 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
L: BOHEMIANBOB The 3D though is ok,any comparison to Avatar in that regard is unfair,almost every 3D film has been poor-this is way more fun-although i would stump up extra cash to see Sam Worthington eaten by Piranhas.Literallyote]I would willing fork out my £21.50 to see Pandora be invaded by Piranha's. In 3D, of course. The 3D (In Piranha) isn't something I'd rave about, but it's not the worst I've seen, expecially being done in post-production. ... More

Posted by nhassell at 23:32, 23 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
The 3D though is ok,any comparison to Avatar in that regard is unfair,almost every 3D film has been poor-this is way more fun-although i would stump up extra cash to see Sam Worthington eaten by Piranhas.Literally ... More

Posted by BOHEMIANBOB at 23:10, 23 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
I only found it a few days back (my mate told me litrally during the adverts before the movie started) that this was actually converted to 3D in post production, which I was not aware off. I have only ever seen it billed as "Piranha 3D", so I just assumed that's the way it was filmed. The 3D is decent, though, had it been playing in my area in 2D, that's how I would have probably seen it. I would be more for 3D, however I just cannot justify it as it's very rarely used properly (Avatar was a sh... More

Posted by nhassell at 23:02, 23 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
While the 3D was helpful in adding to the effect of an alien planet in Avatar, the 3D effects in Piranha are purely in it for the fun of it. And it's just IMMENSE fun! ... More

Posted by DazDaMan at 20:25, 23 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
Agreedonly thing unfair with the comparison to Alice is that was all greenscreeen,this is obviously real,and a dodgy decaptitation aside,seems ok effects wise. ... More

Posted by BOHEMIANBOB at 18:51, 23 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
L: captainrentboy For the folk that have seen it, is it really worth catching it in 3D? I mean if the 3D's used for a bit of horror fun, with loads of shit poking you in the eyes, like the bloody awful Final Destination flick, I'll pay the extra. But if it's generally a bit terrible and barely used like Alice In Wonderland, I'll just see the 2D version. Edit- Come to think of it, is there a 2D version? ote] Kelly Brooke-naked-in 3D!!!!What more reason do you need? of the underwater... More

Posted by BOHEMIANBOB at 18:49, 23 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
L: captainrentboy For the folk that have seen it, is it really worth catching it in 3D? I mean if the 3D's used for a bit of horror fun, with loads of shit poking you in the eyes, like the bloody awful Final Destination flick, I'll pay the extra. But if it's generally a bit terrible and barely used like Alice In Wonderland, I'll just see the 2D version. Edit- Come to think of it, is there a 2D version? ote] The 3-D on a whole isn't particularly great (the 3-D in Alice for exampl... More

Posted by skeletonjack at 18:45, 23 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
In my city there's no 2D option no, I don't think it was released with 2D in mind. However, it's worth forking out for anyway. I mean your either gonna enjoy a film called Piranha 3D or you aint. If you like this kind of thing it's well worth checking out. I believe Rotten Tomatoes has it at 86 Fresh. Lol ... More

Posted by The REAL Bozz at 18:33, 23 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
For the folk that have seen it, is it really worth catching it in 3D? I mean if the 3D's used for a bit of horror fun, with loads of shit poking you in the eyes, like the bloody awful Final Destination flick, I'll pay the extra. But if it's generally a bit terrible and barely used like Alice In Wonderland, I'll just see the 2D version. Edit- Come to think of it, is there a 2D version? ... More

Posted by captainrentboy at 18:17, 23 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
MAJOR SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! film. Loved it from start to finish. If you like this sort of thing then it is as good as everyone is saying! Great fun. The story is simple but works. Earthquake releases prehistoric beasts into the lakes and it happens to be Spring Break. Carnage insues! The only things that pissed me off were some scenes are missing from the trailers, there's wasn't enough Adam Scott, Shue or Lloyd and Brook getting hers! I soooooo wanted to her to live,... More


Posted by The REAL Bozz at 17:56, 23 August 2010 \| Report This Post



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Piranha 3DKelly Brook is the big breakfast

Piranha 3D
Kelly Brook is the big breakfast