Empire's Piranha 3D Movie Review

Piranha 3D
Kelly Brook is the big breakfast

Plot
Just before Spring Break, when hordes of horny young folks flock to Lake Victoria to party, an underwater earthquake releases a horde of prehistoric piranha. The weekend ends in carnage.

Review

Joe Dante’s Piranha was the freshest of many Jaws imitations which swam along in the late ‘70s, so it’s apt that this opens with a splendid Jaws gag as fish finally get a revenge they were cheated out of when Spielberg changed the end of the book. Dante took a smart John Sayles script, appealingly oddball actors and gory fish effects, and spun off a loveable programmer – but Piranha is scarcely sacred text, so this doesn’t seem like the affront to a classic many recent redos have been. In lieu of Sayles’ anti-militarist plot, the new Piranha imitates the 1983 teen hijinx picture Spring Break, filling the screen with beer-drinking, bikini-ogling and wet t-shirt action.

If nothing else, the new Piranha is worth it for a 3D nude underwater lesbian ballet - as Kelly Brook (bless!) and porn star Riley Steele simultaneously hold their breaths and each other’s breasts to the tune of that opera aria (the Flower Duet from Lakmé by Delibes) familiar as the sapphic sex theme in The Hunger. With a barely minimal explanation, mutant cannibal piranha from the Pleistocene start munching on everyone in sight! Actors are pretty much superfluous, but Sheriff Elisabeth Shue does one great stepping-from-one-upturned-boat-to-the-next stunt, Christopher Lloyd sells the lunatic icthyology lecture, Ving Rhames takes on fish with a shotgun, and Jerry O’Connell’s prosthetic penis features in a scene without precedent in legal films. Some spectacular work comes from extras splattered in ridiculous, appalling, often hilarious fashion – the end credits include a shout-out to the Society of Amputee Surfers, who perform above and beyond the call of duty.
Inevitably, it’s in 3D. Not smooth Avatar-Pixar-type 3D, but a wonky process closer to Victorian stereo-opticon or those plastic slide-viewers, which is somehow apt as director Alexandre Aja (in the third of three remakes in a row) thinks of crass things to do: tits and bums are thrust out of the screen, a girl (and a fish) puke into the camera, body parts and shreds of fish splatter all over the stalls, and there’s almost-pretty underwater exploration. It has some suspense, but mostly it’s content with chaos. Let’s hope the producers have the rights to remake James Cameron’s debut feature, Piranah 2: Flying Killers, next.

Verdict

Reviewed by Kim Newman

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Your Reviews

Average user rating for Piranha 3D


A fun, if totally mindless, romp. And Kelly Brook - my goodness! 3 stars for her "performance" alone. At least 2 recognizable porn stars - probably more. Tip of the cap to Jerry O'Connell's penis as well. We hardly knew ye. ... More


Posted by Turd Ferguson at 14:53, 29 August 2012 \| Report This Post



Piranha 3D
Piranha 3D gives its audience exactly what you'd expect from a movie about killer fish at Spring Break; nothing more and nothing less. ... More


Posted by norgizfox at 03:39, 07 July 2012 \| Report This Post



where is the zero star button?
Why is there no zero star rateing? i cant post a review without giveing it something so here goes one star...now my review...utter shite. ... More


Posted by satchwannad at 22:26, 01 March 2012 \| Report This Post



Call me an old bastard...
...BUT when did films like this become so popualr?! Shocked at the three stars. A film in utter bad taste; Kelly Brook is lovely to look at which is the only reason this got one star (their isn't a zero star button). ... More


Posted by waltham1979 at 09:47, 23 February 2012 \| Report This Post



gives you what you want!
Great gore, and the lovely Kelly Brook. ... More


Posted by tysmuse at 17:38, 02 July 2011 \| Report This Post



DECENT STUFF!
BRAINLESS, BUT IN A GREAT WAY! SLOW START, BUT GETS BETTER AND BETTER AS IT GOES ON...... ... More


Posted by chrisdagnall at 12:03, 07 May 2011 \| Report This Post



Grusome but nice...
This film knew what it was from get go. It was never trying to be a best picture contender and trust me, it never would be! It was good fun, gruesome but not ion a nasty way, with it's tongue firmly in it's cheek. The 3D was okay, though the Anaglyth 3D transfer which we saw was first rate, the effect just wasn't anything special. I suppose the novelty is wearing thin... Entertaining, both visually and narratively. Recommended. ... More


Posted by neopol at 09:31, 18 January 2011 \| Report This Post



Really rammed the message home!!!
This is a beutiful film with a really strong point to get across about mans destruction of the enviroment. In Elisabeth Shues most powerful role since Leaving Las Vegas, she perfectlly portrays a figure of authority trying to make sense of all the madness thats inflicted onto her home town. With expert use of symbolism such as Jerry O Connells penis and a truly moving yet shocking finale, this is the perfect viewing companion with An Inconvinient Truth. ... More


Posted by mdogg81 at 13:07, 15 January 2011 \| Report This Post



Gruesome Brainless Film.
Piranha is a gruesome, violent, bloodthirsty and brainless film to check out. With some wooden yet passable pefomances from a short list of known names, a story that is never explained, dozens of shots of woman's butts and breasts and chaotic scenes of pure bloodshed. The ending is screaming for a sequel, will it happen? I doubt it. But in all, prepare to switch off your brain and enjoy the gory ride. ... More


Posted by joanna likes films at 16:00, 07 January 2011 \| Report This Post



Gruesome Brainless Film.
Piranha is a gruesome, violent, bloodthirsty and brainless film to check out. With some wooden yet passable pefomances from a short list of known names, a story that is never explained, dozens of shots of woman's butts and breasts and chaotic scenes of pure bloodshed. The ending is screaming for a sequel, will it happen? I doubt it. But in all, prepare to switch off your brain and enjoy the gory ride. ... More


Posted by joanna likes films at 16:00, 07 January 2011 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
Definitely not. I've got the lady parts and was looking forward to seeing this at the cinema... and just bought the Blu-ray! ... More

Posted by Gretzky at 10:45, 29 December 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
L: BOHEMIANBOB Don't spoil the pleasure of this film by bringing your missus!?! This is a male-only zone,and all the better for it! Besides,you wouldn't want to sit there listening to her judgemental tutsote] Watched this yesterday with Mrs UTB who thought it was terrific, so the above isn't a necessity ... More

Posted by UTB at 16:34, 28 December 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Film Of The Year!!!
A load of old shite, but what else was i expecting, good on the gore though ... More

Posted by kargon at 11:32, 12 October 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Film Of The Year!!!
disapointing in my eyes and im not entirely sure why? it brought everything i expected with tons of amaziing gore effects,decent deaths and well breasts! the storys whats expected the actings as good as you'd expect there are some great cameos as well.They have wisely not actually remade the original and came up with a new story. Maybe it was just to slow starting for such a short movie? when the gore comes its off the chart but its takes half the movie to get there so i wanted more! the reve... More


Posted by Frank Castle at 12:25, 29 September 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Film Of The Year!!!
If you have any affection whatsoever for Kelly Brook, then you owe it to yourself to see this film. ... More

Posted by spamandham at 21:22, 27 September 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Film Of The Year!!!
Well it's certainly crap, but not quite the crap film you'd hope it would be. It really could have done with more unpredictability (you can pretty much guess the order of the body count well before it materializes) and crucially, some inventive scares. So to say there's not a lot of creative flair on show (unless you count Kelly Brook's curves) would be a bit of an understatement. It passes just about though for having an enjoyably low brow sense of humour – which is exploited to the max... More

Posted by Qwerty Norris at 09:26, 27 September 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Film Of The Year!!!
Toooo much analysis there! And it IS so bad it's good ... More


Posted by BOHEMIANBOB at 22:41, 26 September 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Film Of The Year!!!
In recent times, it appears every other film released now has to be in 3D, and some people are getting tired of it. It is nothing new, however, having been used in the past to enhance sequels for ] and the 13th it was used mostly for horror films, the gimmick is somewhat appropriate for 3Dhopes to be a fun throwback to the monster movies of yesteryear. It even has Allexandre Aja, the director of the ave Eyes, at the helm. It may not be aiming for the depths of ont may try to be a mere brainles... More


Posted by McGeesJabberwock at 18:11, 26 September 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Tits and bass
This movie was supposed to be 'so bad it's good' but to be honest it bored me. It was ok but i'd wait for the DVD. ... More

Posted by princessa at 17:01, 05 September 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
L: BOHEMIANBOB Don't spoil the pleasure of this film by bringing your missus!?! This is a male-only zone,and all the better for it! Besides,you wouldn't want to sit there listening to her judgemental tutsote] Tell me about it - She heard on the radio that it was nearly soft porn - so I get the judgemental tuts just for wanting to go and watch it now! just wanna go and switch my brain off - I keep telling her...its a horror film! lol ... More

Posted by sroey at 16:18, 03 September 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Awful!
Jeepers,come on! The original Nightmare films mixed humour with horror,and this was always billed as more fun than horror anyway. It was never a bona fide genre member. It's good family fun,in a Texas Chainsaw Massacre kind of way ... More


Posted by BOHEMIANBOB at 19:41, 02 September 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: A Real Feast
ha. love the title of your post. That film was pretty good for what it was. Wet Teeee Shirt.... ... More

Posted by talkietaco.com at 16:00, 02 September 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
Verdana"]To sum up this film in one word? FUN! GORE - check. LOTS of NUDITY - check. Plot so basic it should be on sale as part of the TESCO VALUE range - check. I laughed my snake-bollocks off! Dreyfuss' cameo worked a treat and Jerry O'Connell's coke-fuelled porn-director easily stole the show and yes, Miss Brook is 150% Fantastic Eye-Candy! The 3D itself was pretty cool as well. Overall, a good time at the cinema, as it should be. r] ... More


Posted by Snake-Eyes at 20:08, 29 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
Got to say I did enjoy this thankfully as it's the first time i've seen 3D this year nothing against it just hate shelling out extra to see it it ticked all the boxes didn't take itself seriously just wish it had also been in 2D. 7/10 ... More

Posted by Wild about Wilder at 10:08, 28 August 2010 \| Report This Post



RE: Piranha 3D
Seen a review of yours somewhere, Piles... ... More

Posted by homersimpson_esq at 05:34, 28 August 2010 \| Report This Post



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Piranha 3DKelly Brook is the big breakfast

Piranha 3D
Kelly Brook is the big breakfast