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Reviews
STAR RATINGS EXPLAINED
Unmissable 5 Stars
Excellent 4 Stars
Good 3 Stars
Poor 2 Stars
Tragic 1 Star

POSTER ART
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FILM DETAILS
Certificate
15
Cast
James Corden
Mathew Horne
Silvia Colloca
Paul McGann
MyAnna Buring.
Directors
Phil Claydon.
Screenwriters
Paul Hupfield
Stewart Williams.
Running Time
86 minutes

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Lesbian Vampire Killers
The curse of Brit-TV-stars-make-a-movie strikes again


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Plot
Newly dumped, Jimmy (Horne) joins best mate Fletch (Corden) on a getaway weekend to Wales. Just as they’re opening the lagers, they encounter a curse that turns the local women into Sapphic throat-suckers.


Review
Lesbian Vampire Killers
Browse more images »
Best we get the parallels out the way first — mainly because they’re not so much invited as gatecrashed... Two young, talented actors. Hot from a zeitgeisty TV Britcom. Buddy up for the big screen. Make comedy horror... This isn’t, however, Shaun Of The Dead 2. It’s not even Dracula: Dead And Loving It. And that was Leslie Nielsen’s 876th comedy.

It was hard to tell how Lesbian Vampire Killers was going to play, given the splendidly tacky title. A snarky horror parody? Kitschy B movie? As it turns out, it’s not even smart enough for that. If Nuts magazine made a horror movie, this, for better or worse, is what it would look like.

James Corden and Mathew Horne come to this with a generous amount of goodwill, courtesy of their BAFTA-winning Gavin & Stacey, and they share an easy, slacker chemistry. Maybe better movies are ahead of them, because the material here’s second-rate sketchy. Director Claydon deserves credit for brushing up the budget with a Hollywoody sheen. But when his fondness for gimmicks — speedy-uppy zooms, comedy sound effects — isn’t letting him down, it’s his comic timing, set roughly 16 hours behind GMT.

Writers Paul Hupfield and Stewart Williams have comedy previous for the Friday Night Project and The Kevin Bishop Show, which gives you a good indicator for what to expect. Instead of punchlines or character comedy, there’s mild, gunge-y gross-out and swearing. Or, more accurately, Corden swearing, gracelessly, with all the charm of Jamie Oliver with a utensil in his head.

The project has, famously, had production birth pains, and the stretchmarks on the script are all too visible. Silvia Colloca’s vampirette appears to be on nemesis flexitime, introduced in an amusingly self-aggrandising, Coppola-spoofing prologue, then offscreen until the final 20 minutes. Which may explain why an alarmingly aimless mid-act largely consists of Corden running around the set in circles like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon while Horne is tied to a tree. Who ever thought that would give it dramatic momentum? By the time Corden turns Lad The Impaler with a sword shaped like a penis in the fleeting, fumbled anticlimax, it’s all out of gunk. And the scares? Just the one — there’s the threat of a sequel at the end credits.


Verdict
Hammered horror. You will it on, but this is laddy, laboured and low on belly laughs.


Reviewed by Simon Crook

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Your Reviews

Average user rating for Lesbian Vampire Killers
Empire Star Rating

Tits gore and some laughs it is enjoyable nonsense

Newly dumped Jimmy is out of luck and basically fucked the situation is made worse by the presence of his best mate Fletch who has a habit of swearing a lot well so do I the two of them meet in a pub and come up with the idea of heading too Ibiza for a week of booze girls and fanny lots of it. Now that sounds like a great lads comedy? Eh? Well too bad the writers with that idea have fucked off, now were stuck with a different pair of writers Stewart Williams and Paul Hupschfield and the two of t... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by lewisb548 at 22:30, 29 October 2011 | Report This Post


RE: Fat talentless b*****d

This film lives up to what was advertised. While people complain about it, it fulfils its audience's wants/needs. Gore/vampires/nudity/general naughtiness are all the generic viewer would expect from a film like this and it certainly brings it. While it may never win an oscar, if you want to watch a film with the lads this is a definite. ... More

Posted by wilky007 at 15:23, 27 March 2011 | Report This Post


RE: Lesbian Vampire Killers

L: Aye t that I can't fucking stand James Corden (I think my girlfriend got it right describing him as a 'stupid, fat, overgrown toddler'.o either of you actually know him? with the fat one on a radio show once and he was a tw@t. mearing James Corden with coarse, aggressive language without justifying it doesn't invite me to take your comment seriously. To address certain agitated remarks in this thread: If excess weight stirs a less than agreeable reaction in someone's physiol... More

Posted by UTB at 17:14, 14 March 2011 | Report This Post


RE: Lesbian Vampire Killers

t that I can't fucking stand James Corden (I think my girlfriend got it right describing him as a 'stupid, fat, overgrown toddler'.o either of you actually know him? with the fat one on a radio show once and he was a tw@t. mearing James Corden with coarse, aggressive language without justifying it doesn't invite me to take your comment seriously. To address certain agitated remarks in this thread: If excess weight stirs a less than agreeable reaction in someone's physiology, I don't ... More

Posted by Aye at 01:23, 14 March 2011 | Report This Post


Lesbian Vampire Killers

dribble, do not waste your time, money or life on this ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by mymatebone at 15:35, 08 May 2010 | Report This Post


RE: Fat talentless b*****d

It was fairly awful. I like Gavin and Stacey and in particurlar Smithy and as this was pretty much 'Smithy & some Toff running around in the woods' killing "vampires" whilst offering up lame sexual inneundos. James Corden had the funniest moments ("It smells like normal air with cow shit in it") but thank god they said they wanted to keep it short because I don't think I could have hacked another 20 minutes of it. ... More

Posted by Goodfella at 10:21, 25 November 2009 | Report This Post


Poor

...but not as bad as I expected. There are far worse films out there and at least in this you get the Mulheron sisters' cleavage. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by Caster at 15:47, 07 September 2009 | Report This Post


LVK

So after 10 years of not missing and collecting Empire magazine, I finally am a member! So here's my first review, but unfortunatly it's mostly negative. LVK was obviously aiming for B movie horror schtik but any fan of early said films would do better to avoid this. The horror is basicaly boring and the comedy is very repetative, also James Corden's jokes and punchlines are predictable. So not scary and not funny and just not entertaining! Had it not been for a great title and some very fit les... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by ClintJ at 12:13, 09 July 2009 | Report This Post


Lesbian Vampire Killers

Funny in first 5 mins but then it aint so hilarious but all round enjoyable! definate 3 stars. not bad. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by Huggybear999 at 08:38, 15 June 2009 | Report This Post


IT SUCKS.....

On the face of it, this could have been a B movie classic. Not enough scares and no real laughs.....that about sums it up. Never watched a single episode of Gavin and Stacy, but judging by the quality of humour conjured up in this lame effort, I'm probably not missing much.... ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by ROTGUT at 17:16, 30 March 2009 | Report This Post


Kkay this film wasn't particularly great but you got exactly what it said on the tin and frankly I think all the negative ratings I've seen have been a bit harsh. This is a hell of a lot better than Horne and Corden's frankly appalingly unfunny sketch show and whislt never even coming near the dizzy heights of Shaun of the Dead, for a night out with the lads, it was decently crude, lewd and entertaining enough. Probably not quite a three but it felt cruel leaving it with an average of one. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by cluesy at 17:47, 26 March 2009 | Report This Post


RE: deano170

No one expects High Art from a film of this title,but it doesn't even succeed as a low brow horror comedy.  The humour consists of a/a fat bloke going on about getting laid b/the same fat bloke swearing c/endless repetition ally overused gags like a man running at a door and falling over With little else but lots of scampering around woods and a waste of some admittedly quite effective looking lesbian vampires,this horrid waste of time isn't even redeemed by lots of gore and s... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by Dr Lenera at 21:26, 25 March 2009 | Report This Post


deano170

What did u expect people?? James Corden IS NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by deano170 at 19:06, 22 March 2009 | Report This Post


Comment

  Please see PM  ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by Matt865 at 12:12, 22 March 2009 | Report This Post


RE: LVK

Saw this at a press screening a few weeks ago (and spoke to Kim Newman for a bit - highlight) but unfortunatly couldn't print my review due to a press um bongo. So after much delay here are my two reviews. ews! Incidently it was a pile of shit. I can't believe someone above said there were some decent jokes considering the whole thing was just 90-minutes of penis related one-liners. ... More

Posted by Scabby at 08:46, 22 March 2009 | Report This Post


RE: RE:

L: Prophet_of_Doom Saw this last night and spent the entire duration of the film thinking "if I was watching this on DVD with a few mates after having drunk a dozen cans of lagar and having just moved onto a greasy kebab, I'd probably enjoy this". sp; So it's like The Deer Hunter then? ... More

Posted by DanCurley at 15:21, 21 March 2009 | Report This Post


RE: RE:

Like people above me, it was hit and miss but fairly enjoyable... harmless nonsense ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by DJ Rob C: Mark II! at 14:47, 21 March 2009 | Report This Post


RE: RE:

Saw this last night and spent the entire duration of the film thinking "if I was watching this on DVD with a few mates after having drunk a dozen cans of lagar and having just moved onto a greasy kebab, I'd probably enjoy this".  And I think that pretty much sums up the level they're aiming at.   Take that as you will. ... More

Posted by Prophet_of_Doom at 12:38, 21 March 2009 | Report This Post


RE:

Certainly wasnt as bad as people are making out i even laughed a few times. Seems to me people have a problem with the star more then anything but they were fine as far as im concerned. enjoyable harmless fun sure its a bit hit and miss but its enjoyable ... More

Posted by Frank Castle at 11:44, 21 March 2009 | Report This Post


i actually enjoyed it, don't ask why, i thought it was a change, some of the jokes were pretty decent. if you do see this film, go with some mates, it will be better then...i think ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by mozzaman at 22:14, 20 March 2009 | Report This Post


RE: Bad times

11% on RT at the moment. "I have seen Venetian blinds that are funnier".... oh dear. ... More

Posted by UTB at 15:19, 20 March 2009 | Report This Post


RE: Bad times

This film makes 'St. Trinians' look like 'Blazing Saddles' - hideously misjudged, mistimed and, whether you love or loathe Corden and Horne, leaves its stars absolutely bereft of jokes. First instance of something Corden's been in that allows his hanging by his own 'Look At Me' petard. It looks like a personal video of the director's,  showcasing supporting actresses for his later delectation... unless this is a deliberately 'Nathan Barley' style effort, produced to look gri... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by rancorpuppet at 09:40, 20 March 2009 | Report This Post


Bad times

After enjoyin gavin and stacy quite a bit, i have been let down by the new sketch series, which at times is really poor, with the only funny character being the old boarding school guy. I was looking forward to the moving, thinkin that it would be quite gd, jus a let down really. ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by slimmy at 21:21, 19 March 2009 | Report This Post


RE: Fat talentless b*****d

L: DJ Rob C: Mark II! So, has anyone y yet? ote]   Seen what...? Oh the film, nah! ... More

Posted by DanCurley at 18:40, 19 March 2009 | Report This Post


RE: Fat talentless b*****d

So, has anyone y yet?  ... More

Empire User Rating

Posted by DJ Rob C: Mark II! at 18:00, 19 March 2009 | Report This Post


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