Penelope Cruz Presented: Best Supporting Actor Oh Penelope, with your sultry Spanish tones, elegance, style, long eyelashes and ability to make men's hearts melt at twenty paces, we could never say nothing bad about you - bar the fact there wasn't enough of you here, speedily delivering the words of "the more I wait, the more they will suffer… so here are the nominations" before sweeping off to be super-beautiful in another lucky corner of The Kodak Theatre.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 7
		Steve Carell And Cameron Diaz Presented: Best Animated Film Humanised funny, Steve Carell trundled on with Cameron and delivered his extra-droll brand of chucklesomeness with aplomb, playing that semi-self-effacing "how handsome we both are" shtick (think along "This was originally written for Cameron and Jude Law, I stepped in at the last moment" lines) before letting the characters from the films themselves make their presence known in a brief clip. The highlight being, without a doubt, Dug from Up leaping up at the camera and saying "What is that? This is not food!" while licking the screen. Not the funniest intro from the human pair back in the Kodak, shall we say, but better than a few non-starters to come.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 8
		Amanda Seyfried And Miley Cyrus Presented: Original Song These two young whippersnappettes were definitely, absolutely nervously nervous, rushing and stumbling over their lines, Miley gesticulating semi-wildly with her right hand as Amanda remained a better, if still edgy, presence in her pretty white dress. There was also an air of "we're here to respezent da youff" (more on that later with the K-Stew / J-Abs appearance) about the pair, but still, Amanda's going to be at the Kodak Theatre a few more times, no doubt, in years to come - mark our words, people, mark our words.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 6
		Robert Downey Jr And Tina Fey Presented: Best Original Screenplay Trotting in holding hands, it was a jolly little moment as the pair waltzed onto the stage. RDJ was complete with a pair of odd-looking, slightly-too-big-for-his-face shades, and massive teal bow tie. Imagine a very good looking, immeasurably talented clown. Maybe. Maybe not really at all, to be honest. Anyway, the duo's well-pitched delivery of weird spectacles and mock seriousness, alongside well-observed gags along the lines of "actors look for social relevance and sunny locations", said beside a picture of the Hurt Locker script. But more than anything, this intro will be remembered for RoDoJo's immortal line on actors and writers making movies together: " it's a collaboration between handsome, gifted people and sickly little mole people."		RATING (OUT OF 10) 9
		Zoe Saldana and Carey Mulligan Presented: Animated Short, Documentary Short, Live Action Short Carey Mulligan's wisdom beyond her years again shone through in her presentation speech, a total newcomer (alongside Zoe), delivering her autocued lines like an absolute pro, with an air that she's going to be sticking around this part of town for a good while yet. Ms Zaldana was also charm personified, giggling and sweet, but lacking the personal, humorous charm we'd been spoilt with for the whole of the Baldwin / Martin spectacular, so far.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 6
		Ben Stiller Presented: Best Make-Up Okay, right, okay, wait a second. Ben Stiller, you wag, you've only gone and painted yourself blue (including the little beardlet, we noticed) - and not just "painted yourself blue" - but more of a total facial make-up overhaul, backed up by a fake Na'vi tail (connected to a fishing rod to make it dance around a bit, too). Jam-Cam laughed, we laughed, he spoke gibberish in a vague attempt to speak Na'vi, hit home hilarious lines home such as "[Na'vi nonsense] -- that means 'this seemed a good idea in rehearsal'" and "I was going to wear a Nazi costume, but I thought this evening was a little too Hitler heavy already". Another Oscar blinder from our man Ben, and double thumbs up for the sheer insanity of painting yourself blue before you go out to mix with the world's great and good.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 10
		Jake Gyllenhaal and Rachel Mcadams Presented: Best Adapted Screenplay Two very purdy people being very purdy, Rachel and Jake did the job here, but there's not that much to write home about. If you fancy Jake, well, as you no doubt already know, he fills out a dinner jacket pretty damn well, and if you fancy Rachel McAdams, that grey printy dress she wore worked very well on her too. Otherwise it was just a 'dictionary definition of the subject at hand' introduction and a scamper off to the side. Still, it ain't easy coming on after Ben Stiller has gone all Pandora on the Academy's metaphorical ass.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 4.5
		Robin Williams Presented: Best Supporting Actress Robin! You're that guy who's been amazing and a bit odd and a bit not amazing in equal measure, aincha? Mrs Doubtfire? Patch Adams? All that stuff? Please, please, please don't be sickeningly unfunny with your strange 'impersonations' and ruin everything and all… and, thank goodness, he didn't. Providing a quick 'ball' double entendre and an envelope opening, Robin's job was done pretty flippin' quick and Mo'Nique soon had her time to bathe in Oscar's shiny golden glow. Nice work Robin. We still like you.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 6
		Sigourney Weaver Presented: Best Art Direction Basically a byword for grace these days, the ever-stunning Sigourney strode onto the stage and beamed her winning smile before casting her mind back to the Shepperton Studios which held the awe-inspiring stage work of Alien, where art directors made "such lovely sets for the actors, only for them to be ruined by the aliens smashing them up." Those bloody xenomorphs - they've got no respect for good set design. Or humanity. Or anything but themselves, really. Still, another win for the good lady Weaver, especially as she was handing over the prize to her own Avatar chums.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 6
		Sarah Jessica Parker and Tom Ford Presented: Best Costume Design Ah, these two. Super, super, super-serious, these fashionistas stayed rooted to the spot, as if desperate not to betray any emotions or appear anything other than very, very cool. Seriously, Tom Ford's hands didn't leave his sides, and SJP's silky golden bin liner dress barely moved, but aside from their sheer coolness, not much to report on these two.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 5
		Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner Presented: Tribute To The Horror Genre After a genuinely thigh-slappingly funny Paranormal Activity-themed skit from Baldwin and Martin, the second pairing of incredibly popular youngsters made their way onto the stage in the form of TwAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!light's Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner, who were both polite and sweet in equal measure, consummate professionals to the end, and bar Kirsten's sneaky cough away from the mike, successfully and adequately introduced the tribute to the often overlooked horror genre montage, which included the likes of Beetle Juice.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 7
		Anna Kendrick and Zac Efron Presented: Best Sound Editing And Sound Mixing As the category for which she's been nominated had been and gone, perhaps it was unfair to have Anna Kendrick reappear on the Oscar stage, as she was still obviously a little sad not to have won, but she managed to pull through, no doubt helped by having all-American super hunk Zac Efron on her arm, who was charming, dashing, smooth as silk and seemingly mechanically designed to live and breathe in a tuxedo. Whereas Anna was a bit grumpy, her words short and clipped, Zac made everything better again with his dulcet tones, introducing the similarly vocally blessed Morgan Freeman to explain a little bit about how sound editing actually work. Genuinely handy stuff to know, we must say.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 6.5
		Sandra Bullock Presented: Best Cinematography When you're introduced with a line like "You loved her in The Blind Side, you adored her in The Proposal, and thought she was OK in Miss Congeniality 2… it's Sandra Bullock" from Steve Martin, you've got to have a sense of humour, and, fortunately, Sandra definitely does, saying "The first friend I make on set [is the cinematographer]. 'Dude, make me look good. Seriously, job one, make me look good. Then get all fancy with the focus pulls'." Not that they need to, to be honest, as her almost porcelain white skin and cherry red lipstick proved, looking absolute dynamite as she made her presentation.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 8
		Jennifer Lopez and Sam Worthington Presented: Best Score Also known this year as 'the Avatar award for being Avatar', the combination of J Lo and Sam Worthington arriving left one Empire staffer literally uttering the word "nom!" as the made special effects that little bit sexier. Sam's big black glasses (a la Karl from Up) quickly disappeared after the autocue was no longer required, and J Lo's surprising verbal stumbles also quickly evaporated but really, these two weren't the most memorable of the evening - but, then again, they weren't the worst, either.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 6
		Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper Presented: Best Visual Effects Two amazingly attractive men next, both unfairly handsome and obviously proud of their big manly voices, the pairing of Brad and Butler made have left millions of women shaking in awe and sheer, abject lust. Shame of it all is the lack of time they spent with their intros, really, especially as they're both so well known for being such jokers, it would have been nice to hear a few more jokes instead of this disappointing, almost perfunctory quickie from the two of them. An opportunity wasted, we say, especially as Gerard was talking 'moonies' on the red carpet. No, really, he was.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 6.5
		Matt Damon Presented: Best Documentary Matt Damon walks up and says "Hollywood tells countless stories, but some of them are no match for real life…" - and that's it. Seriously, that was it. Twitter wasn't aflame for this one, we can tell you, despite Matt's inbuilt charming chip.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 6
		Tyler Perry Presented: Best Film Editing Tyler Perry? What are you doing here? It was a feeling shared by more than just the semi-empty office up at Empire Towers, what with Tyler himself saying: "Hearing the name 'Tyler Perry' at the Oscars - I better enjoy it, because it probably won't happen again." Probably not that far from the truth, to be honest, as most of his gags fell a little flat (especially in comparison to the sterling work Mssrs Baldwin, Martin and Stiller had been turning out over the course of the night) but he was saved by a cut to a clip of Alec and Steve in a giant snugly blanket back stage - we're not even sure why, to be honest.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 6
		Pedro Aldomovar And Quentin Tarantino Presented: Best Foreign Language Film What a well chosen pair, these two are truly individuals, 'characters' to the nth degree, and their admiration for one another was obvious. Seriously, they talked about it. "I love your films" - "I love your films… but I don't understand them." It seemed like QT might have been having a bit too much coffee, or, let's be honest, something a little harder than that, what with him for no real reason actually shouting his autocued lines into the microphone. If it weren't QT, you'd think it a little odd. As it was, it was just old Quentin being Quentin. I.e. a teensy bit loopy.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 7.5
		Kate Winslet (Vera Farminga, Colin Farrell, Tim Robbins, Julianne Moore, Michelle Pfeiffer) Presented: Best Actor May the five-strong back slapping sessions begin! Though helmed by Kate Winslet, her appearance was totally secondary to the bevy of other actors on stage to talk up their buddies. Each of the Best Actor nominees had a friend on stage who sang their praises, adding a personal if remarkably un-British element of saccharine to proceedings, with Vera Farmiga singing gorgeous George's praises, Colin Farrell Jeremy Renner's (after their work together in SWAT), Michelle Pfeiffer talking Baker Boys, Tim Robbins harkening back to chummy Shawshank days for Morgan Freeman and Julianne Moore practically writing a love letter to Colin Firth, live on stage. We won't go into too much detail out of fear of your breakfast making an unwelcome reappearance onto your keyboard, but needless to say it was soppy, it was sickening, and it was oh-so-very-heartfelt by one and all.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 7
		Sean Penn (Michael Sheen, Peter Saarsgaard, Forrest Whitacker, Oprah Winfrey, Stanley Tucci) Presented: Best Actress And then after a quick commercial break it was the ladies' turn to have their eye-watering close-ups as their nearest and dearest verbally stroked their backs. - but not before Sean Penn turned up to act a little drunk and totally garble whatever it was it was trying to say. Michael Sheen proclaimed his love for Helen Mirren through some sweet words on her beauty, grace and acting prowess, Forrest spoke of Sandra Bullock's inner beauty and charm, as shown to him whilst directing her in Hope Floats, Oprah gave a stunning and poignant message to newcomer Gabourey Sidibe ("She skipped school to audition on Monday… had the part on Wednesday, now she's sitting in the Academy Awards nominated in the same category as Meryl Streep - now there's a Hollywood story."), Stanley Tucci did damn well prasing the acting goliath that is Meryl Streep and Peter Sarsgaard talked of Carey Mulligan's potential in years to come.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 6
		Barbra Streisand Presented: Best Director For some reason, once Barbra Streisand rocked up onto the stage and started talking about the possibility of their being the first African American best director that night, or the first female best director that night, we knew that Cameron wasn't getting this one, despite Barbra mentioning just how successful Avatar has been with the general public. And lo, before she even said Katherine's name, she said the words "The time has come" (we pity poor Lee Daniels whose heart must have stopped and started in anticipation) and then announced Bigelow's name.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 7
		Tom Hanks Presented: Best Film The final introduction was marred by the impending sense that we were running out of time here, and things needed to be wrapped up, and quick (and, what's more, the director who'd need to pick up *another* gold man was currently trotting off the stage) so when Tom Hanks turned up and practically announced the words "The Hurt Locker" there and then, we were doubly astounded. Not that we weren't expecting it, more than there was no built up, just Tom getting it over with like he was ripping off a sticking plaster. Still, it's Tom Hanks - you can't not love that man. It's just how it is.		RATING (OUT OF 10) 6