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Eva Marie Saint, Tilda Swinton, Angelica Huston, Whoopi Goldberg, Goldie Hawn
Presented: Best Supporting Actress
Perhaps the biggest overhaul on the night, apart from the host doing all that singin' and dancin', was the decision to elevate the acting Oscars to their own special place in the Oscar pantheon. Perhaps a decision inspired by the big names on the list of potential presenters, the four acting Oscars each saw five past winners come out and, instead of clips, lavish praise on one of the nominees. At times, it made for uncomfortable, self-aggrandising viewing as incredibly talented people told other incredibly talented people how incredibly talented they were - and it also contributed greatly to the show's half-hour overrun.
First up was the fabulous fivesome of Eva Marie Saint, Tilda Swinton, Angelica Huston - who congratulated Penelope Cruz in Spanish - Whoopi Goldberg and Goldie Hawn, prompting one Empire chatroom wag to comment that the Spice Girls had really let themselves go. And they blithered on without consequence, save for a nice crack from Whoopi, who was there to introduce Doubt's Amy Adams: "It's not easy being a nun…"
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
6
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Steve Martin and Tina Fey
Presented: Best Original & Adapted Screenplay
Martin and Fey are old friends - he cameoed in Baby Mama and 30 Rock - and they really shone in their double-headed stint.
Their entrance took place against the backdrop of a giant blank page, which filled with directions (read aloud by Martin & Fey), but what followed was a loosey-goosey double act in which Martin showed that, despite all the evidence to the contrary, he can still be funny. We particularly liked the barbed reference to Scientology - "every blank page was once a tree"/"every tree was once a tiny seed"/"every tiny seed on Earth was placed here by the alien king, Rondalay…"
They played it a bit straighter for Best Adapted Screenplay, although Martin's off-the-cuff "don't fall in love with me" to a staring Fey was priceless.
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
8
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Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black
Presented: Best Animated Feature, Best Animated Feature Short
All eyes were on this pairing - not to see what comedy bombs Black might drop (he did, ultimately, produce one of the best lines of the night) - but because Aniston was co-presenting in front of her ex, Brad Pitt, and his unknown actress wife, Angelina Jolie, who displayed frozen grins in frequent cutaways. And Aniston looked understandably nervous, flubbing some of her lines. Thank God, then, for Black, whose Oscar presenting stints are always worth watching. He revealed, accurately as it turned out, that there's more money in doing animated films - "Each year I do one DreamWorks project, and take all the money and bet it on Pixar!", a quip that found Jeffrey Katzenberg laughing raucously.
Then he was nicely self-obsessed, lamenting that the problem with animated shorts is that it's harder to fit your pandas in. Aniston: "Did you see anything this year that you weren't in?" "No, but in my defence… neither did a lot of people." We also liked his sarcastic whoop when it was revealed that Wall-E had won Best Animated Feature, beating his own Kung Fu Panda - wonder what he's going to be spending the money on…
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
5
(for Jen)
8
(for Jack)
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Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker
Presented: Art Direction, Costume and Make-Up
Excruciating segment as Craig, trying his best to look at ease but failing, and SJP droned on witlessly about the vital contributions of art designers, costume designers and make-up. Actually, that prompted two lines which got the most knowing winks of the night - "We don't have to tell you what the make-up artist does," said SJP. "Just look at us," quipped Craig. "No shit, Sherlock", said everyone else.
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
3
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Robert Pattinson & Amanda Seyfried
Presented: A montage of romantic scenes. Awwww...
Hot new bright young new young pretty new young bright young things Pattinson and Seyfried interrupted their usual evening's fare of hanging outside the local Spar and happyslapping pensioners to introduce the first of the evening's montages, this one about romantic films. They did ok - Pattinson very softly-spoken, but he has toned down his BIG HAIR, Seyfried as memorable as she was in Mamma Mia! - but we'll be damned if we can remember anything they did.
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
4
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Ben Stiller & Natalie Portman
Presented: Cinematography
We'd been crossing our fingers all night that the producers might have invited Christian Bale to make amends for that tape by presenting an award dedicated to professionals who mess around with lights for a living. Sadly, there was no Bale Out, but the best pairing of the night more than made up for it.
Our hearts, to be honest, sank when Stiller ambled out alongside the simply ravishing Portman (Audrey Hepburn Mk II) wearing a Joaquin Phoenix beard, glasses and 'distracted' attitude. A spoof on his Letterman chat show appearance, which could only have been seen by a couple of million people? Really?
But Stiller pulled it off, with a wonderfully committed piss-take of Phoenix, including the depositing of gum on the podium, and a beautifully-timed speech about Slumdog Millionaire being shot on a cellphone, followed by the belated introduction of said phone, which had Portman repressing laughter. If Night At The Museum 2 had this sort of edge, we'd be excited about it.
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
9
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Jessica Biel
Presented: Scientific & Technical Awards
Every year, the Academy sends a beautiful young actress, like a lamb to the slaughter, to host the Scientific & Technical Awards evening (the awards that are too boring even for the main ceremony) and be stared at by a bunch of geeks whose experience of non-pixelated ladies is virtually non-existent. This year, it was Jessica Biel's turn, God love her. And, as she trundled on stage to talk about it and introduce some guy who is apparently the head of the geeks, she did so with the stiff horror of someone suffering a 'Nam flashback. Looked great, though.
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
4
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James Franco & Seth Rogen
Presented: Best Live Action Short
The most boring category deserves some big laughs… sadly, we got this. We're big fans of James Franco, Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow. But their short pseudo-sequel to Pineapple Express, featuring Franco and Rogen watching some of the year's best comedies - and The Reader, although it's hard to tell the difference - was, frankly, dreadful and lazily written, lacking any killer gags and suffused with a disappointing air of smugness. Rogen, in particular, looked like he'd rather have been anywhere else. "If you liked that piece, I'm proud to say that I helped write it," said Rogen. "If you didn't, it was all Judd Apatow." Good to know who to blame, Seth.
They redeemed themselves somewhat with their live performance, with Rogen's howling laughter at Franco's clumsy pronunciation of the Oscar winner, Spielzeugland, easily the most natural and endearing moment of the night.
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
2
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Christopher Walken, Kevin Kline, Alan Arkin, Cuba Gooding Jr., Joel Grey
Presented: Best Supporting Actor
Five past Best Supporting Oscar actors were wheeled out for this year's Foregone Conclusion award. Cuba Gooding Jr. put in his best performance since Chill Factor to jokingly admonish Robert Downey Jr. for playing an African-American in Tropic Thunder ("That's enough with taking the parts from the black people!" he yelled, missing the point of Downey's character completely), Alan Arkin and Grey were ok, Walken failed to demand any cowbell, and Kevin Kline got the Heath Ledger speech. Which he handled with klass and komposure.
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
6
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Bill Maher
Presented: Best Documentary
Maher, a top US comedian who may not be well-known over here, drew the short straw, going on after Heath Ledger's family. To his credit, he acknowledged it - "everyone's crying, now I have to go on." But Maher, an outspoken motormouth, failed to keep it buttoned, somewhat ungraciously bemoaning the fact that his own documentary, the very funny Religulous, wasn't nominated.
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
5
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Will Smith
Presented: Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, Editing, Visual Effects
When you need a safe pair of hands, and a touch of movie star glamour, call for Big Willie Style. Will Smith, comfortably the biggest movie star on stage tonight (no offence, Hugh), took centre stage to present four awards and the evening's last patronising montage to action movies, aka movies that pay the bills for Hollywood, but which will never win any 'real' Oscars, as evidenced by The Dark Knight's outrageous Best Picture snub.
Ahem. Anyway, Smith was natural, warm and funny, did his job without any fuss, cracked off the odd zinger - "I'm still here, I believe Hugh is napping" - and made us think that, if ever he wants to host, we have no problem with that whatsoever.
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
8
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Eddie Murphy
Presented: The Jean Hersholt Award to Jerry Lewis
Eddie Murphy, who's clearly over his Oscar snub for Dreamgirls, took the stage to present The Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to the man who starred as The Nutty Professor long before Sherman Klump was a twinkle in Murphy's eye: Jerry Lewis. Murphy was fine, but not exactly a distinguished gentleman: we can't remember anything he said. And we were writing it down.
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
6
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Alicia Keys & Zac Efron
Presented: Best Original Score/Best Original Song
For an Oscars obsessed with music, it made little sense to get Alicia Keys and Zac Efron together for these categories and then ask them not to sing. They did ok, although their script was the sort of pretentious, gushing nonsense that may sound great to industry insider ears, but will turn off Joe Public. Did you know that if the score is the narrative of a movie, then the song is the punctuation? No, neither did we. And by Christ, we didn't want to know it, either.
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
6
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Reese Witherspoon
Presented: Best Director
We're not entirely sure why Reese Witherspoon was hauled up on stage to present Best Director - but America's Sweetheart, with her face that looks like ice cream that's been sculpted into a heart (copyright, C Kennedy) did ok, talking about how directors have to put up with actor divas who refuse to come out of their trailers… "not that I'm speaking about myself, but you know who you are… Ben Stiller."
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
6
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Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry, Marion Cotillard, Sophia Loren, Shirley MacLaine
Presented: Best Actress
The most gushing of the actor presenting slots, this bit was so hideous that it made us want to toast the unparalleled brilliance of the magnificent nominees by drinking drain cleaner. Shirely MacLaine reduced Anne Hathaway to tears, possibly by not mentioning Get Smart, Marion Cotillard banged on for what seemed an age about Kate Winslet, and we lost the will to live by the time Nicole Kidman And Her Incredible Immobile Face telepathically beaming positive thoughts to Angelina Jolie.
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
4
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Adrien Brody, Robert De Niro, Anthony Hopkins, Michael Douglas, Ben Kingsley
Presented: Best Actor
Some of the biggest names in showbiz, and Adrien Brody, came out to anoint Mickey Rourke - sorry, Sean Penn - as the year's Best Actor. Brody looked like a scruff, Hopkins seemed awfully thin, Douglas was cool as always, and Kingsley looked like he was still haunted by Fearne Cotton's failure to address him as Sir Ben in the pre-ceremony telecast. But, the minute we heard that Bobby De Niro was going to present an award, our hearts sank… but then, Bobby - talking about his old friend, Sean Penn - made a funny. "How for so many years did Sean Penn get all those jobs playing straight men?" he asked and, emboldened by the experience, went on to make another quip about how Penn "gently reasons with the paparazzi." Sadly, De Niro didn't get so carried away that he apologised for Righteous Kill, but you can't have everything.
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
7
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Steven Spielberg
Presented: Best Picture
The guest editor of our upcoming 20th birthday issue took a night off from flatplanning News to present Best Picture. Which he did, obviously, brilliantly, with grace, élan and style. Can we have a raise, please, boss?
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
10
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Hugh Jackman
Presented: The whole thing
How did Hugh do? Well, he sang with great gusto, he danced with aplomb and, apart from the flubbing of one joke - a Sexiest Man quip aimed at Brad Pitt - he cracked wise with the best of 'em. We're just not sure that the material particularly rewarded his efforts, from the clumsy opening montage (points for the ending, though: "I am Wooooooooooolverine!") to the tribute to musicals, where none of the selected material really suited his booming voice (and he was competing with Beyonce throughout). But he's charismatic and talented as hell - if he's given better songs next year and doesn't disappear for long stretches again, we wouldn't mind seeing him getting a second shot.
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RATING
(OUT OF 10)
7
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Have Your Say
Which presenter gets your vote, and which gets the boot? Let us know who you think did the best job at this year's ceremony. Log in or register to share your thoughts.
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