Welcome to our all-night-Oscar-a-thon! We kick off with live commentary as the stars arrive on the red carpet for the 86th Academy Awards.
This blog will contain fashion-related faux pas, Oscary facts, hilarious jokes* and the odd terrifying photo of the Empire office as we stay up all night with you to bring you the best coverage this side of, well, anywhere.
So grab drinks, snacks and what ever else you might fancy, sit back and join us here, on Twitter and Facebook from around 10.30pm (GMT) for a night of film-related fun.
While we're waiting - why not refresh yourself with who's nominated this year. And if you fancy winning a 12-months Sky Movies package - you have a couple of hours or so to enter our Oscars Sweepstake - simply try guessing all the winners in each of the 24 categories.
Welcome! The E! Red Carpet show has begun, and while the presenters riff on the theme of NOTHING AT ALL, let us explain what's going on tonight. James, Phil, Amar, Chris and myself (Helen) are in the glamorous and palatial surroundings of Empire towers, bringing you all the news of the night (almost) as it happens. Thanks to Sky for hooking us up, quite literally.
Now we were hoping to cover the Oscars in style this year, so we gathered an army of nutritionists, trainers and stylists to give us the star treatment. Unfortunately, the nutritionist disappeared soon after he received the questionnaires on our usual eating patterns, and now his secretary says he's gone for a long break in the country and can't reply to emails. The trainer said he couldn't work with this sort of raw material and the stylist asked for our budget, gasped in horror and ran. So we're just in the office as normal, with some carrot sticks and quite a lot of crisps.
And for those of you hoping for actual news from the red carpet, there is none yet. Even the desperate wannabe starlets who have somehow managed to beg or bag a ticket haven't turned up yet. It's so unfashionably early it's a denim ra-ra skirt at the moment.
I know what you're wondering: who is everyone wearing? Well, I'm in Sweaty Betty and a pair of Crocs rainboots, thanks for asking, because Glamour is not my middle name but now I'm comfortable and warm. Phil's looking dashing in JB Sports, Amar just sighed when I asked and Chris appears to be wearing half a Domino's pizza.
Watching the E! hosts vamp about nothing on an empty carpet actually lowers the IQ - and we didn't have that many spare. Oh god. Beginning to suspect that Ryan Seacrest's white tuxedo is there to provide a blank canvas on which we can project our growing existential despair.
THERE IS A CELEBRITY ON THE RED CARPET! Thank god. Viola Davis, you are our new favourite. In singing news, Kristen Chenoweth and Liza (with a Z) Minelli are both on the carpet, and given that Idina Menzel is singing Let It Go from Frozen later, Chenoweth's presence makes tonight a Wicked reunion. Musicals fans, go off in a corner somewhere and geek out about that while we wait for things to heat up.
Portia de Rossi's there to support host Ellen de Generes, and to wear the fanciest doily ever, while Olivia Wilde (with Jason Sudeikis) is apparently attempting to make every other pregnant woman in the world feel bad about herself in comparison.
Looks like the world's entire stock of diamonds has been requisitioned for the red carpet tonight. Until tomorrow morning, please address Lou Diamond Phillips simply as "Lou Phillips" and Neil Diamond as simply "Neil".
The E! fashion commentators are now speculating that people might have changed their outfits because it rained in LA yesterday. Wimps.
Recently on E!, we learned the due date for Baby Wilde-Sudeikis, Chiwetel Ejiofor's sister has sent in childhood photos of him, Kellan Lutz is at the Oscars for some reason (some sort of Hercules tie-in?) and Amy Adams is talking about getting Jennifer Lawrence's lipgloss all over her mouth, sparking a million fanfics.
Widespread consternation in the office as it appears that Kellan Lutz is there with Olga Kurylenko. "But we had a moment!" mourns Phil, remembering our podcast interview.
Anna Kendrick's doing the Angelina Leg as she poses for photographers. Pharrell, meanwhile, has left the gigantic hat he's been wearing recently at home, but is wearing short trousers in an apparent tribute to Just William. He's nominated for Best Original Song for Despicable Me 2.
Bruce Dern is there with Laura Dern. While he's being perfectly gracious and polite, he somehow still projects some much-needed irrascibility.
Lupita Nyong'o continues her flawless awards-season run of dressing impeccably and smiling gorgeously even when asked inane questions. Naomi Watts has something wrong with her eyebrows. She looks like a really glamorous Star Trek alien, somehow - the kind that Picard would totally fall for, but still an alien.
June Squibb is being hit on by Jared Leto - at least, that's how we're interpreting his hug. "We are indeed dating; I can put those rumours to rest," says Leto.
"Don't patronise June Squibb, you long-haired Communist!" cries Chris in response.
Bit confused why Benedict Cumberbatch is there, but of course he's in 12 Years A Slave and any sensible person would remember that. A small but starry queue built up behind him, in the form of Glenn Close and Kevin Spacey.
Jessica Biel's wearing a dress apparently modelled on that glittery bodystocking Britney Spears wore in the Toxic video. Bette Midler's freaking out about singing in front of her peers.
Do you know what, Cate Blanchett's also (looking like some sort of goddess) in a sort of nude-with-sparkly-bits dress? And Sally Hawkins was in something a bit similar. The theme of this evening is definitely Britney Spear's Toxic bodystocking.
Jonah Hill has turned up with his mum, following the examples of McConaughey, Jared Leto, Michael Fassbender and Leonardo DiCaprio. Hey, cool cats, start carting your mum everywhere with you to really look like an A-lister. We're sure it will go down as well in Shoreditch as it does on Hollywood & Highland.
DiCaprio rather messed up the whole red carpet vibe by speaking sensibly and soberly about The Wolf Of Wall Street. U2 are on the red carpet, walking on. Anne Hathaway appears to be wearing a chainmail breastplate - which we suppose is one way to frustrate any rivals jealous of her win last year.