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Zandalee Review

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★★★★

The beautiful Zandalee (Anderson) is married to Thierry (Reinhold) a one-time poet who now works for a telecommunications company. They live in the French Quarter of New Orleans and the physical side of their marriage is on the rocks. Enter the moody Johnny (Cage), an old schoolfriend of Thierry's who quickly gets stuck into a passionate adulterous affair.

Zandalee is to Nicolas Cage what Wild Orchid was to Mickey Rourke with similar huge quantities of bared flesh, idiotic dialogue and luxurious locations which belong in a holiday brochure. Johnny is a painter, but he's much more interested in getting his end away than standing in front of his easel. So, there's heavy breathing encounters in his studio, in an alleyway, in the kitchen (while her husband and a bunch of guests are having dinner) and even in the confessional chamber of a church. ("Thank you, Father.") Thierry is miserable because he can't satisfy his wife and she's miserable because she's doing the dirty on him, but Johnny is happy because sexual gratification is the only morality he knows.

It's impossible to take this stony-faced drivel seriously, but, purely on the level of Cage giving another one of his patented over-the-top performances, it at least provides some chuckles. Dire but naughty lines, among them "I like it when you don't wear any underwear" and "When I'm inside you I feel like it's the edge of the universe... when I go into my kitchen to make toast, I smell your skin!" give a fair idea of what to expect. Sexual toast? Mr Cage, wash your mouth out with soap.