Meet The Team
I'm your host, Helen "Fingers O'Flame" O'Hara; with me is Amar "Shift-Delete" Vijay and Phil "The Cakebringer" De Semlyen. Who are we wearing? Well, I'm in atelier Oasis and Phil claims he's wearing Juicy Couture, but won't reveal which piece of clothing that relates to so let's just hope it's his socks. Need something to keep you going until things get underway? Try this rundown of Best Picture-related cakes. Bonus points for spotting the one that Empire ate.
Welcome To The Oscars!
Good evening / afternoon / morning* ladies and gentlemen! Your trusty **Empire **crew are here to talk you through this long, dark night of the soul biggest event in the movie calendar. Because we're thorough about these things, we'll have this blog, a live chat for those of you crazy enough to stay up and watch it with us and of course tweets from our party correspondant Damon Wise, who gets to watch events from somewhere other than the glamorous surroundings of Empire Towers. Stick with us through the night - please! We'll need company to get over the 3.30am hump.
*(delete according to time zone)
23.12** The Red Carpet Has Begun**
We're watching E!, which has Ryan Seacrest hosting. He has already cornered two of the Acting nominees: Jennifer Lawrence was first off the mark in red, now Melissa Leo with a very cool high-neck gown. Mila Kunis looks impossibly hot in lilac, with much boobage sticking out the top. Arnie Hammer's there, sadly without his identical twin brother who we are convinced exists whatever the Visual Effects team says. James Franco says, of Ricky Gervais, "He did his awards show and he bombed; why is he trying to get in on ours?" He then promises to use some of Gervais' lines though, so we can hope.
23.17 Beautiful People As Far As The Eye Can See
Josh Hutcherson, who I really think is an up-and-comer and should get some more interesting roles, is there for The Kids Are All Right. Arnie Hammer seems to be lovely so we wish there *were *two of him, especially since he's married. Some randomites we don't recognise are on the carpet; is that allowed at the Oscars?
23.23 Teen Angel
Hailee Steinfeld has been insanely well-dressed all award season, and she's done it again tonight in pale pink with sparkly bits; age-appropriate but also gorgeous. I want her to win Best Supporting Actress: there, I said it. Amy Adams is in sparkly navy, which suits here; Michelle Williams is in sparkly silver with that same old platinum crop - it's a little bleh for me. Florence Welsh looks like the Oscar invite caught her playing dress-up in her granny's attic while waiting for her hair to dry naturally. We guess that's the style these days.
23.28 What the?
Mila Kunis apparently lost 20 pounds to appear in Black Swan. Our question: where from?
23.30 We Are So Over...
Nudey colours covered in sparkles and almost-invisible tulle. Mandy Moore's also in it, and looks good and everything (more auburn than blonde suddenly, although the dark lippy is a bit severe) but that's about the fourth person in nudes in as many minutes.
23.31 On Le Menu This Evening
In an effort to keep this blog feeling high-brow and sophisticated, I'll be describing our Oscar-night menu as it might appear in the sort of upscale eaterie that we here at Empire usually patronise. So we're starting off with a Julienne de poivrons rouge aux trempette de sour cream & chive (moins grassé).
23.32 Russell Brand...
Russell Brand has brought his mum. Often, this can lead to assumptions that an actor is gay; in this case, however, he's probably safe. Even if he did just give Ryan Seacrest a smooch. He's also, btw, pretty good in The Tempest. On another note, Michelle Williams' dress seems to need a good bobbler. And Kelly Osbourne has the largest beehive we've seen since Bet Lynch left Coronation Street.
23.38 Zzzzz
Sorry, wow, we just fell asleep there during Michelle Williams' interview. Not wishing to haterate on her or anything - the dress, up close, is kinda nice - but that was not her on form. Amy Adams is "more present" than she has ever been at the Oscars before. We're not sure what that means. Did she leave bits of herself at home before? If she's going to leave anything behind tonight, we'd like it to be that emerald pendant, and we'd like it if someone picked it up and sent it here. Anne Hathaway is on the carpet in red with a sort of deflated bustle; Jennifer Hudson looks amazing in an orangey ballgown.
23.41 Carmichael, Charles Carmichael
It's Zachary "Chuck" Levi, who is adorable generally and specifically tonight. He's singing with Mandy Moore in their song from Tangled, and it's probably wrong to look forward to it as much as I am right now. Mark Ruffalo is here, with his wife - she appears to have had trouble deciding between a dramatic puff-sleeved dress and a gold sheath, so she cut the pair in half and wore both! This is the same lady who streaked bright turquoise across her eyes for the BAFTAs, so full marks for originality.
23.45 Red Carpet: The Saga Continues
The red carpet is so rivetting that our live chatters are discussing their favourite hoovers. If you're reading this in the news section of Empire, by the by, pop along over and join us in the chat as well, why don't you? Next on the Empire Oscars menu: Frites de maïs “Nachos” par le handful.
23.48 Treading Water
Ryan Seacrest is frantically trying to fill time while he waits for an actual celeb to approach. He's throwing back to the "sky box" which is always a bad sign. By a process of attrition, I've come back around to the nude sparkly dresses. They're in again!
23.50 Mark And Sunrise Ruffalo
Mark Ruffalo tweets! We must follow him at once. His wife looks like Patricia Arquette a little, but then that might just be the hair. I just got another look at Jennifer Hudson: BOOBIES. Amar just said regretfully, "Aw, I should have made an icon for boobies" so we could've flagged them up in the blog whenever relevant. I'm not sure what the male equivalent would be: good hair? Charisma? Jessie Eisenberg has arrived in the background.
**23.53 **That Man's Bald!
Geoffrey Rush has shaved his hair, we're not sure why. Let's start a Rush-for-Lex-Luthor rumour right now! Cate Blanchett looks gorgeous from the neck up, but she appears to be wearing a costume left over from Flash Gordon, a sort of lilac draped thing with an ornate frame around the (modestly covered) cleavage area. I mean, she's Cate Blanchett so she still looks amazing, but...it's a bit Stormtrooper-evening-wear. It's simultaneously really gorgeous and hopelessly weird. Looks like Jeremy Renner brought his mother, aka the only woman in town he's not at risk of being romantically linked to.
23.56 Boobies!
Jennifer Hudson seems lovely and has insane cleavage in that Versace - did we mention that? Barely-boobies, meanwhile, from Scarlett Johansson in a sort of red brocade / lace sheath. Still, it's backless and her hair is mussed, so she still looks insanely hot. Kevin Spacey's advice for the evening: "Just have fun, and find the bar as fast as you can." Apologies if we sound boob-obsessed, but it's a clear divide right now between the high-neck gowns and the ones that seem destined for a wardrobe malfunction (except for Marisa Tomei, and her neckline stolen straight from 1992), so we want to keep you all informed and/or warned.
00.01 Mister JT
OK, it seems that everyone has brought their mother, as Justin Timberlake has an older lady on his arm as well. Scar.Jo is with some handsome guy, but he ain't no Ryan Reynolds. E! is now demonstrating a "Glamostrator", which allows them to scrawl virtual lines on freeze-framed pictures of dresses to examine them in more detail. God save us. Time for a quick snack: how about some Tomates petites “Santini” avec un soupçon de houmous?
00.07 Seacrest Promises A Twilight Musical Moment?
What does that mean? R.Pattz playing piano? A mopey bit? One of the defeated nominees sucking the blood of the lucky winner? While we muse over that, Sharon Stone has arrived in dramatic black with a feathered shoulder, lashings of eyeliner for maximum drama and a beehive that dwarfs even Kelly Osbourne's. We're a little scared. Justin Timberlake is here - will he say something awesome?!
00.09 Turns Out** Not**
He's talking music piracy, god bless'im, and trying to walk the line between offensive areas. Or, since he golfs, trying to negotiate between roughs, eh?
00.16** HBC!**
Time for Helena Bonham-Carter, visibly steeling herself for the interview ordeal and yet being better than everyone else so far. She's in black with a corsety sort of bodice (as usual) by costume designer Colleen Atwood. "I've got a complex about my bum so I thought I'd make it look even bigger," she says, showing off her bustle.
00.19 More Silver, More Sparkles
Hilary Swank is in a silvery, sparkly sheath, like 50% of the other attendees tonight. She always seems really up and smiley and nice though, so full marks there. Phil is cheering because his doppelganger Andrew Garfield has arrived, as has Nicole Kidman in what looks like a gorgeous white thing with silver beading in front. And "King" Colin Firth is getting out of his car.
00.22 Empire Editor Arrives!
Sir Steven Of Spielberg has arrived, and is bucking the trend by bringing a daughter rather than a mother. Uncle Steve, as we call him ever since he edited our mag (have we ever mentioned that before?), is on good form. We're also getting a recap of Jennifer Lawrence's dress earlier: basic, bright red, shows off her amazing figure and doesn't risk dropping far enough to risk any flashing. HBC, by the way, has her little round sunglasses with her. Helen Mirren is in a sort of gunmetal silver; a little corseted, puffed sleeves and much with the figure-hugging.
00.25 Dion Will Go On
Well, at least Celine Dion's not in a backwards tuxedo. The white high-shouldered, low-cut (BOOBIES!) dress is a bit Joan Crawford though. Penelope Cruz is in red and sequins and has already lost most of the baby weight it seems. Sandra Bullock is in bright "Jesse Who?" red and looks A-MAZING. Halle Berry is in nude tulle with sparkles. Obviously she looks great. I mean, why does she even make an effort? It's just mean. Hugh Jackman still has short Real Steel hair. Javier Bardem is talking...it's hard to concentrate here. Especially when he stops to chat with Josh Brolin. Christian Bale has arrived, with the long hair and beard still far too much in evidence. He's brought his wife rather than his mother, so there's a trend bucked.
00.31 Reese's Pieces
Reese Witherspoon has a bit long bouffant 60s style ponytail - and she's in a black-and-white dress that looks like the vintage Valentino that Julia Roberts won in a few years back, you remember, right? Big hit there. Nicole Kidman's dress, when seen from the waist down, gets a bit dodgy. But the top is nice, so there's that.
00.32 Just Keep Livin'
Matthew McConaughey is here, so kick back with a brewski already dudes. Time until he takes his shirt off: 5,4,3,2,...
00.33 You Make Me Wanna Goop
Gwyneth Paltrow's dress is pale and sparkly. We're over it again. At least this one combines the high neck and boobage by having a long slit from the neck; that's the sort of clever advice you's also get from her lifestyle email. Not that we're on it or anything. Er...
00.36 Quick Break
Time for some Oeufs à la crème aux style “Cadbury” enrobés d’une jacquette de tinfoil. If the carpet is boring you, why not have a giggle at some ill-fated movie merchandise?
00.37 The Beard! Dear god, the beard!
Christian Bale Accent Watch: he's Cock-er-ney again. Anyone know why? While you're about it, can anyone explain the 19th century beard? Is he in a story about a Civil War General? Is this an alt-universe Batman?
00.38 Lady In Red
We love Sandra Bullock for her awesome speech last year and for generally being a classy dame. She's looking sensational in bright, bright red from Vera Wang. Modest too: she's refusing to discuss her underwear with the world.
00.40 Fashion Recaps
Here's a thought: do we really need to see Halle Berry again? Isn't that rubbing it in for the rest of us mere mortals? I mean, even when she wears crazy shit she just looks like someone flawless wearing crazy shit. But from the sublime to the toupeed: Donald Trump is attending for some reason. Meanwhile, Robert Downey Jr has arrived - sadly by limo rather than jumping from an airplane in his Iron Man get-up - and is rocking a white satin tie. How gangster.
00.45 Nearly Time, Right?
Marky Mark's already inside, so you know that party has started. RDJ is chatting to Seacrest, chin high in the air like the nobleman he is. He likes all the nominees, and is presenting Visual Effects and Editing "the two most...exciting" awards.
00.48 Funky Bunch Time!
Mark Wahlberg is back out! He's being extremely diplomatic (he's a producer as well as a star, after all) and looking kinda short. That may be because he's married to the world's tallest woman though. He's hoping for upsets, but not in the Supporting categories where The Fighter's the favourite.
00.52 Are We Nearly There Yet?
We've already reached the stage where we can't type the right words anymore - so it's time for a more-or-less break. On E! they just reported the results of a reader prediction poll for Best Actor. Colin Firth leads the pack with 35% of the vote. Giuliana from E! says, "Colin Firth, 100%". Some discrepancy in the maths there, we fear.
00.56 Portman**!**
Natalie Portman looks very pregnant but absolutely stunning in a sort of pinky-purple. Wide v-neck, drape in front of the bump, overuse of the word "incredible" in explaining her experience on the film. She has cool tassel earrings, from Tiffany apparently. The dress, inevitably, is Rodarte - who of course made some of her dancing costumes in the film. She claims not to be nervous and looking forward to seeing what Hathaway and Franco (with whom Portman worked on Your Highness) do with the show. So are we! Bring it on already!
01.01** Meanwhile, Inside...**
We've transfered from E! to Sky Movies Premiere for the ceremony itself: Reese Witherspoon is regretting her lack of Team Edward T-shirts after working with Robert Pattinson; RDJ has loosened up and is smiling more: he wrapped Sherlock 2 three weeks ago. Oh no, I've just heard the Sky Movies Oscar theme music and remembered how it haunts my dreams each year after this long night. For any fashionistas out there who want more expert commentary on the fashion that we can provide, the Fug Girls from Go Fug Yourself have been discussing the carpet looks, so check those out.
01.07 Still Nearly 30 Minutes To Go?
God save us; we're so ready for the ceremony now. Alex Zane is presenting on Sky, which is a minty fresh alternative to Claudia Winkleman, host of the last few years. Yet interviews are still ongoing on the carpet, people are still being asked who they're wearing (shades of Jame Gumb there) and we're still being subjected to the ego-sapping sight of all these gorgeous forms. Justin Timberlake is clearly with us on the "tired of this already" front: he's noodling on the fact that the carpet's pinkish rather than strictly red.
01.19 Just Talk Among Yourselves
We'll be scoffing Gateau au chocolat laissé-pour-compte du fête anniversaire du filleul de Phil. Meanwhile, Steven Spielberg appears to be helping out backstage at the Oscars by bringing water to the producers. Steven Spielberg is a gopher? There really is no business like showbusiness. Tom Hanks will be presenting the first award. Ha! Good luck being as awesome as him, presenters-who-follow!
01.30 It's Here! It's Here!
Forget the predictions, forget the other ceremonies: it's time for the real thing and surely a few surprises. Ladies and gentlemen, the 83rd annual Academy Awards!
01.32 The Opener
We start in Paris, with James Franco and Anne Hathaway chatting to Leonardo DiCaprio in a Parisian cafe as he tries to convince them to go into Alec Baldwin's dreams. Franco is unsure. Baldwin is amusing. Now they're trying to get Mark Zuckerberg to help, which isn't going well. They've turned to Mark Wahlberg's boxer instead; James Franco doesn't like the negativity; Anne has punched him. In desperation, they've donned a bearskin and headed into True Grit too. This is fun! Anne wants to wait for Matt Damon but Jeff Bridges sends them on. Morgan Freeman is now narrating, "So, the naked girl from Love And Other Drugs and the guy from General Hospital continued through Alec Baldwin's dreams". Now they're in The King's Speech. Anne: "I have good news from the future: microphones get smaller!" They've arrived in ballet costume as a Brown Duck; Natalie Portman is appalled, possibly by Franco's codpiece. And finally they've arrived at Mr Baldwin's dream. "No, this isn't my dream: if this was my dream, I'd be hosting the Oscars again."
01.37 The Opener, Continued
Now they're in the DeLorean from Back To The Future, headed to the Oscars. This is still fun! But now they're here; she's in a gorgeous white dress with some silver siding. Cue clapping. Much applause. AH: "Oh my gosh, you're all real. This is actually happening!" JF: "I must say you look so beautiful and so hip." AH: "Thank you James; you look very appealing to a younger demographic as well." He assumes she's nominated. AH: "You know, it used to be you get naked, you get nominated! But not anymore." She asks if he's nervous. JF: "I dunno, I mean, what do you get if you win? Do you get money with it?"Now they're both saluting their mothers. This is a little...slow all of a sudden. Except that her mum's telling her to stand up straight, because Mr Steven Spielberg is here. "Really mom, in front of a billion people?" Franco's granny is also here, sitting just behind Jude Law. Says she, "I just saw Marky Mark!" "No gramma, that's actually Mark Wahlberg, Academy Award nominee." It's been a great year for lesbians in movies: The Kids Are All Right, Black Swan, Toy Story 3 ("Where's the dad?")
01.42 Gone With The Why Now?
They're saluting Oscar winners of the past, with a random Gone With The Wind bit. Let's just assume this is a nod to me, given the whole O'Hara connection.
01.43 Tom Hanks Presents Achievement In Art Direction
Tom Hanks is stuck with a dull script, but he's almost making it interesting. Almost. Now we've segued into a bit about Titanic. You know, if you want the younger demographic, don't worry about the hosts: try to make your links a bit more funny.
And the winner is...Alice In Wonderland
So there's a thing.
Robert Stromberg, Karen O'Hara (It WAS the O'Hara connection!)
Stromberg: "First of all, all the other nominees deserve to be up here. I'm standing here because of the wacky world of Tim Burton. Meet me with a saw, because half of this is yours. There's just one last bit of art direction for a Tim Burton film, and there it is (puts a Hatter hat on his statuette). I dedicate this to my dad, thank you."
01.47 Tom Hanks Presents Cinematography
The winner is...Wally Pfister, Inception
His fourth nomination and first win, and isn't it nice to see Inception land on the winner's board?
Pfister: "Dear god, what have you done? This is a phenomenal honour for me. None of what I did would have been possible without the incredible vision of my master Chris Nolan. His work has inspired me for 12 years and continues to do so. Much thanks to Warner Brothers, my fantastic union crew, and my mum and dad."
(a nod to the Wisconsin situation there with the union mention?)
**01.51 Kirk Douglas Presents **Best Supporting Actress
He's looking pleasantly hale and hearty, if a little odd around the eyes. He's having a bit of banter with the presenters. "Miss Hathaway, she's gorgeous! Where were you when I was making pictures?!" He's struggling manfully to get the words out, but doing remarkably well. Hey, Jackie Weaver's dress looks ace. Kirk Douglas is REALLY drawing his bit out. "You know...I will never forget this moment. Three times, and I lost every time."
And the winner is...Melissa Leo, The Fighter
(As expected, then)
Leo: "He pinched me! Wow. Mine? For me? Oh my! Oh my god! Really really really really truly wow. I know that a lot of people have said nice things to me for several months now, but I'm just shaking in my boots now. Thank you David O. Russell, the actors, (pause for near tears). Yeah, I'm speechless - golly, there's people up there [on the balcony] too. Gosh, I watched Kate two years ago and it looked so fuckin' easy - WHOOPS! Thank you so much, opening your hearts to all of us for making this film. And I want to thank, the very most of all, the Academy and all their members. This has been an extraordinary journey getting to know what the Academy is about, and thank you, because it's about selling motion pictures and respecting the work!"
(Says Phil: "That was a strange ten minutes")**
**
02.01 Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake Present Best Animated Short and Best Animated Feature
("I thought The Fighter was the F-word," says Hathaway. "Welcome to the young and hip awards.") Justin Timberlake reveals that he's Banksy! "God that felt good." He's used an app for that to pull up an animated background for the stage, with Shrek up there as the original winner of the Best Animated Film award.
The Best Animated Short goes to...**The Lost Thing, Shaan Tan and Andrew ****Ruhemann
**Tan: "This is ironic since the film is about something that no one pays any attention to. This goes to everyone who's supported us with such generosity and patience."
Ruhemann: "A very quick one, just to say that I love my wife, who's up there. This is dedicated to all the lost things everywhere."**
**
The Best Animated Feature goes to...Toy Story 3**, Lee Unkrich**
(Well that would be maybe the least surprising win ever)
Unkrich: "Oh boy. I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but thank you to the academy. I wouldn't be standing here if it wasn't for the incredible vision of three guys, John Lasseter, Ed Catmull and Steve Jobs for creating Pixar, which, by the way, is the most AWESOME place to work on the planet. To everyone who had a hand in making Toy Story 3, to my grandma who always said she'd see me up here someday, and to the audiences who embraced a story about talking toys who had something very human to say. Thank you, THANK YOU!"**
**
02.10 Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin Present Best Original And Best Adapted Screenplay
This is a weird ceremony: if we're being all young and hip, why do we keep harping on Oscars past? If it's all about history, why have presenters born during Reagan's era (or thenabouts)? But in tribute to this random link to 1929, Brolin and Bardem (what a sandwich) are wearing rather spiffy white tuxedo jackets with white tie. They're just about getting away with it, but dear god let's not set a trend, eh?
Best Original Screenplay goes to...The King's Speech, David Seidler
(That was predictable too, if not quite so nailed-on)
Seidler: (couldn't find the mic) "The writer's speech, this is terrifying. My father always said to me I would be a late bloomer [laughs]. I believe i am the oldest person to win this particular award. I hope that record is broken quickly and often. I'd like to thank you my daughter, my son, for having faith in their dad as I have faith in you. I would like to thank my producers, my director, my cast. I would like to thank Her Majesty the Queen for not putting me in the Tower of London for using the Melissa Leo F-word. And I would like to dedicate this to all the stutterers in the world. We have a voice, we have been heard, thanks to you, the Academy."
(Tell you what, this multiple awards per presenter does keep things zipping along a bit, eh?)
Best Adapted Screenplay goes to...Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network
(Another, well, duh! prize, this)
Sorkin: "It's impossible to feel what it feels like to hold the same award that was given to Paddy Chayefsky 35 years ago for another film with Network in the title. That was an Original screenplay; this is adapted so I'd like to thank Ben Mezrich as well. I wrote this movie but David Fincher made this movie, and he did it with an ungodly artfulness. Someone with that talent has no business being as nice a man as he is. This movie is going to be a source of pride for me every day for the rest of my life. Roxy Sorkin, your father just won the Academy Award, I'm going to have to insist on some respect from your guinea pig!"
**
02.23 A Musical Bit
Anne Hathaway sings a bitter song about how SOMEONE promised to sing with her and then backed out. She classily refuses to name the cad responsible, but references to "I thought Australia was our ally" and "retractable claws" make it clear that she's talking about Hugh Jackman. Huh. And he was supposed to be famously nice. Of course, none of that matters when James Franco appears in Marilyn Monroe's dress from the Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend number in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. We're not quite sure WHY, or anything, but it continues Franco's inscrutable performance ever since he took the gig. It's all performance art, innit. It's gotta be. It's all so unlikely otherwise.
02.26 Helen Mirren And Russell Brand Present Best Foreign Film
Mirren is presenting in French; Brand is "helpfully" translating it into smack-talk directed at Colin Firth.
And the winner is...In A Better World, by Susanne Bier.
Bier: "Is this a real Oscar? Well, thank you so much, the Academy, what an honour. I am so truly grateful and happy. I really need to congratulate my fellow nominees; your movies were amazing."
02.29 Reese Witherspoon Presents Best Supporting Actor
She emphasises in her intro that this is not a consolation prize. But will it go according to form? Can that horrendous beard win an Oscar? Could the stage support it without cracking?
And the winner is...Christian Bale, The Fighter
(Another one firmly according to form. We had a moment of doubt there when we noticed that Rush was sitting directly in front of Spielberg)
Bale: "Bloody hell! What a room full of talented and inspirational people, and what am I doin' here? What a job David O.Russell did of taking our work and interpreting it for the audience, and what he did of it. Melissa Leo - I'm not going to drop the F-bomb like she did, although I've done it enough in the past. Dickie is here, up there. What a story and what's next for him - if you want to train with him, he's got a website, check it out. So many movies are great but nobody knows about them, we're so lucky to be here. And mostly my wonderful wife [chokes up] I didn't think I'd be like this. She's my mast when storms are rife, and I hope I'm likewise to you".
(Awww, what a softie. Really nice speech. Despite the accent.)
02.38 Hang On A Mo
Wow, a salute to the ABC Television Network from the Academy President? That's exciting for everyone! Not inside baseball at all.
02.40 Hugh Jackman And Nicole Kidman Present Best Score**
**Aw, isn't he lovely? (Apparently he and Hathaway have made up, so we are allowed to like Jackman again) Isn't Kidman pretty? And isn't this history of sound technology rather dull? Until they start with the Star Wars theme anyway, and Lawrence of Arabia, and E.T., and West Side Story. In summary, music's nice. That reminds me, I need to buy How To Train Your Dragon on Blu-ray...
And the Best Original Score goes to...Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, The Social Network
(Pretty good, right? Even though that clip of Mombasa was excellent)
Reznor: "Wow, is this really happening? When we finished work on Social Network, we were very proud of our work and very happy just to be involved in this film, and to be standing up here is incredible. I want to thank the Academy and David Fincher."
Ross: "David, everyone who brought the film to life, thank you so much. Trent, you're a genius and a great friend."
**02.45 Matthew McConaughey and Scarlett Johansson Present Best Sound Mixing
**"I am six degrees of Kevin Bacon away from our next two presenters," says Franco. "Look it up on the internet." These two are trying for funny and mostly feeling a bit surreal. That could be the late hour, but their repeated enunciation of the word "sound" is kinda freaking me out.
The Best Sound Editing Oscar goes to...Richard King, Inception
King: "I owe this a thousand per cent to Chris Nolan. As artists and craftspeople, it's all about the opportunities we get, and I want to thank Chris for making great movies and inviting me along for the ride. All my love to my wife Sue and my son Sam. Thank you."
And the Best Sound Mixing winner is...Laura Hirschberg, Garry Rizzo, Ed Novick, Inception
Rizzo: "Thank you to everyone at Warners, our wives...The mighty Chris Nolan is the creative force behind every decision we made, so this is as much a win for him as for us. So thank you Chris."
**02.53 **Marisa Tomei Presents The Scientific And Technical Awards
Hathaway has changed again! She's in dark grey with even more elaborate hair now - Franco's changed into a grey tux too, looks like. Marisa Tomei is presenting - HATE that bodice. Anyway, it's the slightly patronising round-up of the Technical awards, safely sectioned off earlier in the month. The Academy recognises these achievements, but not enough to actually recognise them. "Alright, congratulations nerds!" says Franco dismissively as the segment finishes.
02.55 Cate Blanchett Presents Best Costume** And Best Make-Up**
Galadriel's played on with The Lord Of The Rings theme - she's almost being played off by it, it's so loud as she's speaking. As the final clip plays for Best Make-Up, Blanchett audibly comments, "That's gross!". Funny!
Best Costume goes to...Colleen Atwood, Alice In Wonderland
(She always wins, or it feels that way. She seems incredibly nervous and is reading her entire speech from notes)
Atwood: "Thank you to the Academy and especially to my fellow nominees. You've been such fun to sit with, you've been so supportive and it's been so great to sit with such great people. The heart of any movie lies with the director, and I've been incredibly lucky on this and many films to work with Tim Burton."
(She's played off, bless her. Third win, and she's still visibly trembling.)
The Best Make-Up Oscar goes to...The Wolfman**, Rick Baker and Dave Elsey**
(I swear there was a cry of, "WHAT?!" as that was read out)
Baker: "My face hurts I'm smiling so big. I want to thank my beautiful wife for knowing me so well and being so right.
Elsey: "Thank you to Benicio del Toro, to Anthony Hopkins, to Universal Studios for their legacy of monsters. It was always my ambition to lose an Oscar one day to Rick Baker; this is better! Thank you."
03.01 Montage!
Randomites from LA are discussing their favourite movie songs, everything from Lose Yourself to My Heart Will Go On. We suspect we're about to see Best Song. Barack Obama names his favourite movie song as As Time Goes By - because he is CLASSY. Good call. Now Kevin Spacey is singing acapella Top Hat - "Good evening, I'm George Clooney".
03.03 Kevin Spacey Presents Best Original Song
These four nominees are going to be performed, so brace yourselves. First up, "with his 20th nomination this year", Randy Newman's Toy Story 3 effort. This is good and all, but we prefer the Gypsy Kings' reworking of his song for the first movie. Hay Un Amigo En Mi - seek it out.
Next, I See The Light from Tangled - I'm so excited about this one!* **Mandy Moore is now in a huge blue dress; Chuck's Levi's lost the suit and gone for a waistcoat; Alan Menken's on piano, which reminds me of this. They're so cute! Ahem. Professional. So that was quite nice I guess.
*Of course, on Oscar night he doesn't have me draped all over the piano, a la Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys.
03.12 Amy Adams And Jake Gyllenhaal Present Best Documentary Short Film
"She's nominated tonight, and he made out with my co-host...in a movie," says Franco. Adams explains that George Lucas started out with a Short. Gyllenhaal addresses the fact that short films are the hardest category to pick on your home Oscar ballot - so true.
Best Live-Action Short goes to...God Of Love, Luke Mathemy
Mathemy: [with an enormous white man's afro] "Wow, I should've gotten a haircut. Hey everybody. I need to salute my fellow nominees; I invite the world to check out these film, I think you're gonna love them. Thanks to the NYU Graduate Film Programme. Finally my mother who did craft services for the film. My dad, the great state of Delaware, and last but not least my great composer and the love of my life, Sacha Gordon, you're my dream come true."
Best Documentary Short goes to... Strangers No More, Karen Goodman and Kirk Simon
Goodman: "What a great year for docs. Thank you first of all to the remarkable immigrant children from 47 countries at that school. You've shown us that peace is possible"
Simon: "Thank you, [long list of names]"
03.18 Musicals?
Franco: "What up, NYU?" He claims that this was a great year for Musicals - and when challenged on this claim by Hathaway, presents an auto-tuned selection of clips from this year's movies to prove his point. As in, they've turned dialogue into a funky dance tune, with clips from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One, **The Social Network **and Twilight (the bitchy bit where Edward asks, of Jacob, "Doesn't he own a shirt?") Given the film choices, this must be the "young-and-hip-Oscars bit. Here's the promised Twilight musical moment, which is actually hilarious. Although that may be sleep deprivation. Still, I swear those films would be 250% better if they were presented as a silly musical.
03.19 Oprah Winfrey Presents Best Documentary
OMG I wonder if this is one of her favourite things? Will she take the entire audience to Australia? Will she injure lovely Hugh Jackman? Her dress is smokin' - but then with her income one would hope she could get a nice one.
Best Documentary goes to...Inside Job**, Charles Ferguson, Audrey Marrs**
(Ha! In your face, Phil! He was smack-talking me because I missed Restrepo)
Ferguson: "Forgive me, I must start by pointing out that 3 years after a huge financial crisis caused by massive fraud, not a single executive has gone to jail, and that's wrong. But this is also about the movies, so thank you all for this profound honour, I'm very happy. Let the record show that I'm not wearing jeans."
Marrs: "Having only made two films, I feel that Charles and I are newcomers to this industry but we've been made so welcome so thank you."
03.26 Crystal Clear
"One of the greatest Oscar hosts of all time", Billy Crystal is here! "So, where was I? Some things never changed; the producers have asked me to tell you that we're running a little long, so here are the nominees for Best Picture..." He's discussing the history of Oscar hosting, and describing Bob Hope as "what every Oscar host should be: a really sexy movie star. [preens] Drink it in, Hugh [Jackman]" He's paying tribute to Bob Hope; it's funny, but he's way too fast for me to actually transcribe it, so try to find the clip online later, eh? Oh, and mourn with me that Phil won't let me use the headline "Crystal Nacht".
03.31 Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr Present Best Visual Effects and Best Editing
"The person whose idea of a good time is to mutter about adjustments while you're suspended upside down for six hours" claims Downey of Visual Effects teams, all agrieved. "If it wasn't for them, your closest association with a superhero would have been in 2001 when you were busted in a cheap hotel with a woman dressed as Supergirl" retorts Law. "Actually it was an expensive hotel, in 2000, and she was dressed as Wonder Woman - and that is the attention to detail that these nominees have shown," finishes Downey, back on track. Funny!
And the Best Visual Effects winner is...Inception, Paul Franklin, Chris Corbould, Andrew Lockley, Peter Bebb
"It feels like that top is still spinning, but I don't really care anymore."
("If anyone cares, Jude Law no longer has a ride to the after party," says Downey.)
The Best Editing Oscar goes to...Angus Wall and Chris Baxter, The Social Network
"First thing's first [they hug]. A special thank you to David. It's indescribable working with you, and thank you for starting my career 20-odd years ago. Thank to our wives, who allow us to have incredibly passionate love affairs with our work."
03.41 Jennifer Hudson Presents Best Song Nominees
Hathaway has changed again, into a rather luscious red. Franco, still in the grey tux, professes to be offended by some of the movie titles this year and thinks they are unsuitable for network TV. "Winter's Bone, Rabbit Hole, How To Train Your Dragon - that's disgusting!" Two more songs to go.
First of this pair: AR Rahman and Florence Welsh singing If I Rise from 127 Hours. Dido sings it on the soundtrack, but presumably she's ill or stuck in the boot of her boyfriend Stan's car as he drives off a cliff.* The good news, however, is that Welsh has changed into a better dress. Amusingly, it's exactly the same colour as her hair.
Secondly, it's Gwyneth Paltrow with Coming Home from Country Strong. She sounds nervous and a little pitchy, as I believe the technical term has it. Yep, she's very stiff and clearly terrified.
So Best Original Song goes to...Randy Newman, We Belong Together
("They do love Randy Newman," says Phil)
Newman: "Well, I'm very grateful for this, and surprised. My percentages aren't great; I've been nominated 20 times, and this is the second time. At the lunch they have for nominees, where they should have a Randy Newman chicken by now, they said it's bad television to take out a list of people to thank. I don't want to: I've been on this show several times and I slow it down every time. Anyway, you've been enormously kind to me, as was the music branch. I love you all very much."
*She's actually about to have a baby, fact fans.
03.52 Dear God Help Us
Celine Dion is singing Smile - and I have a nasty feeling that this is the soundtrack for the - yes - In Memoriam segment. It's 40 people long this year, so I fear I won't be able to list them all. We've already had a very brief flash of John Barry and Tony Curtis, and it feels like we're getting much briefer clips than usual. Leslie Nielsen and Pete Postlethwaite are also gone by quickly. And in the middle of it we're cutting back to Dion. Dear oh dear. They've got clips of everyone smiling, as far as possible, to fit the lyrics, but that's not really working for me to be honest. Irvin Kershner and Dennis Hopper follow, but he's not the last name: Lena Horne is the final name, and gets a special tribute from Halle Berry for whom she's always been a role model, it seems. So we finish with her singing Stormy Weather, which fits better than Dion to be perfectly honest. Perhaps there's a political point to be made by finishing with a woman "of colour" (as Berry described her earlier) rather than a white man?
04.00 The Big Four Still To Come
OK, so while we wait for Director, Actress, Actor and Picture, consider this assessment of The Greatest Divas of all Time in relation to Dion's performance just now. It's funny!
04.01 Hilary Swank and Kathryn Bigelow Present Best Director
She's bigging up the fact that the first female winner took this last year. Kathryn Bigelow appears, looking very hot but in an unfortunately mushy red dress, with full sleeves but no shoulders. Honestly, choose one or other.
And the winner is...Tom Hooper, The King's Speech
(Wow! That's the closest we've had to an upset all night! Although it's still not exactly adjacent to a surprise)
Hooper: "Wow. Thank you to all the members of the Academy. I'd like to congratulate my fellow nominees - your work this year has been extraordinary. Thank you to my wonderful actors - the triangle of man-love which is Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush and me. I'm only here because of you guys - and Helena, I hope that reference doesn't make you too jealous. Most of all, thank you to my parents, who are in the audience tonight. My mum in 2007 was invited by some Australian friends to a fringe theatre play reading of an unproduced, unrehearsed play called The King's Speech. She'd never been invited to such a thing before, but thank goodness she went because she came home, rang me and said, "Tom, I think I've found your next film". The moral of the story is, listen to your mother."**
**
04.05 Annette Benning Presents The Governor's Awards Round-Up
Her dress is very sparkly and sort of lined with diamonds, and she looks great. The Governor's Awards, however, awarded the work of Kevin Brownlow, Eli Wallach - for which it would be worth seeing the full thing alone - and Francis Ford Coppola. Jean-Luc Godard was also honoured, but in absentia. And at least these three actually get to come onstage and get an ovation.
04.10 So where do we stand now?
Tom Hooper took Best Director: what does this mean for Best Picture? A sweep or a divide in a non-commonsensical way? Wow, Hathaway's changed again! She's in robotic-looking metallic purple!
**04.12 **Jeff Bridges Presents Best Actress
To Natalie Portman, right? I mean, right? Anyway, it's the Dude! Let's just savour that for a moment while he does his very best to struggle through the chewy, overcooked Oscar intros. Actually, he almost convinces us that he means every word: he's that good. Phil is now thrilled to note that his doppelganger Andrew Garfield is sitting between Nicole Kidman and Helen Mirren. Each of the actresses that Bridges addresses seems to believe him, which is sweet.
And this year's Best Actress is...Natalie Portman, Black Swan
(OF COURSE!)
Portman: "Thank you [visibly moved] This is insane. I truly, sincerely wish that the prize tonight was to get to work with my fellow nominees, I am so in awe of you. I am so grateful to get the chance to do the job I do. I am so grateful to my parents for giving me the life I live and letting me start so early and teaching me to be a good person every day by example. I want to thank my team, my friends, and everyone who has ever hired me: Luc Besson who gave me my first job; Mike Nicholls who has championed me for the last decade; and Darren Aronofsky, the visionary. I want to thank everyone who helped me prepare for this role. Also, there are people on films that no one ever talks about that are your heart and soul every day, who dressed me, did our hair and make-up, our camera operators. Most importantly, my family, my friends and my love, thank you so much."
(She totally teared up: I called that!)
04.19 Sandra Bullock Presents Best Actor
Hathaway, flubbing a bit, notes that Bullock's at the top of her game professionally but is even better known for being an awesome person: true dat. Bullock still looks ace in that dress. She notes that Bardem managed to scare "an entire nation with your haircut". "Jeff, dude, you won last year. How about staggering it? When is it enough?" She claims to have turned down Jesse Eisenberg's facebook request; she seems to be flirting with Colin Firth now - and who can blame her? "James (backstage) you have so famously played such icons as James Dean and Allen Ginsberg, but forget all that: you are the number one reason that children get picked up late from school, because their mothers are watching you on General Hospital"
And this year's Best Actor is...Colin Firth, The King's Speech
(We typed that before she said it. So did EVERYONE ELSE)
Firth: "I have a feeling my career just peaked. Um. My deepest thanks to the Academy. I have to warn you that I am experiencing stirrings somewhere in the upper abdominals that are threatening to form themselves into dance moves. Joyous as they might be for me, it would be extremely problematic if they made it to my legs before I get offstage. I want to express my gratitude to my fellow nominees - just to be on the same list as such extraordinary people. Thanks to the cast and crew, to David Seidler whose own struggles have given so many people the benefit of his beautiful voice; Tom Hooper for the immense courage and clear-sightedness with which he saw this through; Harvey, who took me on 20 years ago when I was a mere child sensation; all the people who have been rooting for me back home. And my very fortunate friendship with Tom Ford, to whom I owe a very great piece of this, and to the Anglo-Italian-American-Canadian axis that makes up my family, to Livia for putting up with my brief delusions of royalty and for being responsible for every good thing that's happened since I met her. And now if you'll excuse me, I have some impulses I must attend to backstage..."
(AWESOME! Even better than his BAFTA speech)
04.32 Steven Spielberg Presents Best Picture
He reminds the nominees that while the winner joins illustrious predecessors, so do the losers here - and he's quite right: check em out here. Damn but these clips are good - but is the King's Speech soundtrack a clue?
Best Picture goes to...The King's Speech
(If Hooper won, it did seem to be going this way. The British press will go nuts for the home team in the morning)
Iain Canning: "What an incredible honour, what an amazing year for film. To be with the other films in that category is incredible. Tom Hooper put so much love and passion into that film, thank you. To our acting royalty, thank you for saying yes. To our best of British crew, it's amazing to share the stage with you tonight."
Emile Sherman: "To have been part of a film that has touched and moved so many people around the world is fantastic; this isn't an obvious film to get involved with."
Gareth Unwin: "Thank you, this is a boyhood dream come true tonight."
04.38 The End**?**
Anne Hathaway's changed again! Now she's in fierce sparkly gunmetal with a high neck, niftily combining every trend we've seen tonight, it seems. And James is back in black - when did that happen? She's introducing a chorus from the 5th grade somewhere on Staten Island. They're singing Somewhere Over The Rainbow. Franco still looks a bit bemused to be involved in this at all, and seemed to be on the verge of forgetting what had just won there for a second.The kids are cute, and can sure sing though, so there's that. And all of the winners have just bumrushed returned to the stage to accept a nomination. Melissa Leo still seems to be acting up.
04.42 REALLY The End
So that's it. That was kinda weird. Did the show feel younger and hipper, or just odder? Hathaway was trying her best, in a slightly giggly way, to hold it together; Franco seemed to be watching the whole thing through a microscope. Most of the awards went entirely as predicted, and even those that could've gone either way went...the most obvious way. We're pleased for the little film that definitely could, with The King's Speech following an Oscar trend set in the last couple of years whereby small, indie movies are doing better than Hollywood heavyweights. But didn't this ceremony feel lacking in spark? In the end, the odd/awesome/weird/wonderful Kirk Douglas segment is probably the single most memorable bit. So, 2011 Oscars: not a disaster by any means, but surely a bizarre entry into the annals. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to finish off these Biscuits sucrés à l’americain aux pepites de chocolat de Marks & Spencer and Oeufs touts petits en chocolat de Cadburys and get home for some sleep.