Since time immemorial, fanfiction has lurked in the shady backgrounds of movie and TV shows, almost exclusively the domain of the truly obsessive. However, in 2011, a certain piece went rogue. What started as a raunchy, S&M-themed Twilight fantasy was reworked as an original novel sans vampires and E.L. James’ Fifty Shades Of Grey was born. But as rich in spank-paddles, duct tape and Red Rooms Of Pain as Fifty Shades might be, its peculiar proclivities are just the tip of a vast internet iceberg. There are reams of fanfiction authors – and readers – out there, and some of the themes make Anastasia and Christian’s BDSM antics sound like an episode of The Archers. From straightforward porn to blindness kinks, male pregnancy and tentacles, here are 12 weird and wonderful examples of what happens when fans’ minds run riot. You have been warned.
The Property: The Lego Movie Fanfiction version*: “Afternoon” – Mattecat
Since the success of The Lego Movie, Lego has been busy creating its own kind of live-action fanfiction, by replicating anything and everything in sight. But when the writers of 'Everything Is Awesome' wrote the line “everything is cool when you’re part of a team”, this probably isn’t what they had in mind. "Afternoon" involves an eight-way relationship (or nine, depending on how stable Good/Bad Cop is feeling) between Unikitty, Lucy, Emmet, Good/Bad Cop, MetalBeard, Benny, Batman, and Lord Business. The piece highlights the popularity of poly-relationships in fanfiction, which is probably fitting given the whole point of Lego is to join things together. Lego porn: it brings whole new meaning to the term ‘cock blocking’.
The Property: Harry Potter
Fanfiction version: “The Play” – DemiraWithers
It may come as a surprise to the millions of Harry Potter fans out there but Voldemort porn is a thing. ‘Shipping’ (fanfiction’s official term for imagining relationships) is a fundamental part of most fandoms, but nothing stokes the fires quite so much as a the illicit relationship. ‘Slash’ fiction (the term for same-sex relationships) for Harry and Draco Malfoy is one of the larger areas in this particular arena, but the ultimate illicit slash-shipping in the Potterverse involves You Know Who.
In “The Play”, Harry has grown up with Voldemort and their favourite pastime is creating plays. In this particular play, muggles are forced to perform sex acts upon Voldemort, until it all becomes too much for Harry, and he takes over. Whether “sexpecto patronus!” or simply “accio nipple clamps!” is the spell best suited to such a scenario is never made entirely clear.
The Property: Sherlock Holmes
Fanfiction version: “Rub” – ancalime8301
Your mind has already been opened to the reality of Voldemort porn, brace yourself now for a particular spin on Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes movies: male pregnancy. Known in the business as ‘mpreg’, this is a popular kink and one that crops up regularly in the vicinity of Ritchie’s Baker Street. And just in case the idea of an impregnated Holmes/Watson wasn’t absurd enough, "Rub" cranks the smut up a notch adding also-pregnant Mary to the equation for a threesome. In Rub, Watson is giving preg!Sherlock a back rub, which leads to the activity that “caused this situation in the first place”, before preg!Mary joins them and everything gets categorically explicit. The biology isn’t really important. If it was, it certainly wouldn’t be elementary.
The Property: Guardians Of The Galaxy Fanfiction version*: “My Little GOTG: Friendship Is Badass” – Monobear
When, at the end of GOTG, Peter Quill asks the team whether they should do something good, something bad, or a bit of both, he left out something utterly and unimaginably ludicrous. Travelling as they do, the Guardians are perfect material for fanfiction crossovers, but few other such team-ups could be more charmingly daft than The Guardians’ crossing paths with My Little Pony. Dispatched on a mission to “wing-horn-horse-land”, as Quill characteristically describes it, The Guardians (with the exception of Rocket) are transformed into pony versions of themselves before being met by a group of native Ponies and escorted away. It’s a work in progress – and the tags promise future slash between Rocket and Quill (who might still be in pony form when that happens) – but hardly needs to go any further. All crossovers, in all fandoms, can stop now. This has won.
The Property: Thor
Fanfiction version: “The One Time Tom Got Jealous (And Chris Had To Endure)” – MarbleAide
Rather than actual Thor fanfiction, this entry instead features one of fanfiction’s most controversial genres: ‘Real person fiction’. RPF usually involves attractive actors who also happen to get along in real life. Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hemsworth never stood a chance. Taken from this pairing’s admirably large catalogue, ‘The One Time Tom Got Jealous’ describes Tom’s reaction to a woman flirting with Chris, which is to take Chris upstairs and subdue him with a cock ring (obviously). Once the laughter has subsided, though, there’s something genuinely unnerving about RPF. Where general fanfiction follows what’s already fictional, there’s something altogether more uncomfortable about RPF’s liberties with actual people. That and it’s impossible to watch Thor properly once you’ve had to picture Loki taking his adopted brother up the Bifröst. Let’s just pretend this one never happened.
The Property: District 9
Fanfiction version: “Start Again” – Pakeha
Given the source material, it’s hard to imagine how District 9 fandom wouldn’t get weird. The fact that Wikus and Christopher are (originally at least) from different species has proved irresistible, meaning almost all District fiction involves the slash pairing of Wikus and Christopher in a xenophile lovefest. A lot of the porn is dark and angst ridden (some have also given an alarming amount of thought to the practicalities), fitting nicely with the original tone of the movie. More entertaining, though, are the stories that completely break with that tone, such as “Start Again”, in which Wikus has fully transformed, is in a loving relationship with Christopher and is also pregnant with their eggs. It���s tempting to use the phrase “you couldn’t make this stuff up”, except clearly, somebody has.
The Property: Frozen Fanfiction version*: **“Department Of NCEA Affairs” – WorthlessFandomFeelings
“Do you think what happens on the fjord, stays on the fjord…?” Such are the unsettling words of Hans in “Department of NCEA Affairs”, a particularly disturbing piece in which he abuses Ana and Elsa’s ‘true love’s kiss’ in order to force the sisters to have sex. The most understandable reaction to this kind of material is horror. This is Disney: blood, shame and non-consenting incest are not – the last time anyone checked – generally considered acceptable in a family animation. But as it happens most Disney fanfiction includes some pretty depraved content. In the interests of finishing on a slightly lighter note, Bambi’s fandom includes a Batman crossover, and a piece in which Bambi still isn’t able to speak in group therapy.
The Property: The Avengers
Fanfiction version: “Avenging Tony’s Lost Manhood (Avenging It With Sex)” – therealfroggy
It is almost impossible to exaggerate the number of group sex pieces in Avengers fanfiction. So vast is the catalogue that after a while the concept almost begins to seem normal – as one piece’s own tag smartly claims, “Assembling: We’re doing it right”. With gangbangs (somewhat worryingly) losing their outrageousness, other kinks are left to take up the gauntlet, such as the always surprising gender-swap. In “Avenging Tony’s Lost Manhood”, Tony Stark is hit by the enemy’s sex change ray. And if the phrase “enemy sex change ray” alone wasn’t worth reading for, Tony then becomes a girl – the arc reactor “glowing between her boobs”. Then it turns into good old-fashioned group sex.
The best line in the piece is from Bruce Banner. When Tony asks him if female sex won’t hurt after the first time, Bruce replies that there’s no guarantee – “but I’m not sure an orgy in the living room is the right way to start”. Practical advice indeed.
The Property: Star Trek
Fanfiction version: “My Spirk One-Shot Collection, Part 3” – IvanW**
Star Trek is actually one of the oldest sources of fanfiction. Fanzines containing such were being published as early as the 1960s but it’s unlikely any of them regularly used the phrase ‘space husbands’. Spock and Kirk often appear under this particular tag – almost only ever used in Star Trek fiction. In “My Spirk One-Shot Collection, Part 3”, the idea is emphasised even further by Spock having experienced his first ‘pon farr’ (a stage of the Vulcan reproductive cycle) with Kirk. Spock’s words may be in character, but he has little problem overcoming typical Vulcan restraint when it comes to taking a ride on the Captain’s yacht. The phrase “where no man has gone before” has basically lost all meaning at this point.
The Property: The A-Team Fanfiction version*: “Suddenly, tentacles” – tck489
Joe Carnahan’s movie reboot of the ‘80s TV series may not have achieved its full potential on screen, but that hasn’t been a problem for fanfiction writers. Already a popular fandom, the addition to A-Team canon of a new and particularly attractive cast caused an inventive explosion. Given their occupation, The A-Team lend themselves particularly well to slightly darker themes such as ‘sickfic’ (illness fiction), and the injury kink (one of the most popular searches in this fandom is simply “Face blind”). But again, slash dominates. In a piece simply titled ‘Suddenly, tentacles”, Hannibal (and bear in mind this is Liam Neeson’s Hannibal) grows octopus-like appendages, which capture Face and then proceed to do things that will ruin any reader’s future trips to the aquarium. A very particular set of skills, even for Neeson.
The Property: Mary Poppins
Fanfiction version: “Feed The Birds” – slightlykylie
The main reason for including the Mary Poppins fanfiction here is the fact that it exists in the first place. Another is that in amongst all the Mary/Bert erotica (and a particularly amusing piece in which Mary uses her tape measure to measure things other than height), even Jane is occasionally shipped with Mary. But there is yet another pairing that outplays even Mary/Jane. “Feed the Birds” tells us that Mary and the Birdwoman (called Clara, apparently) grew up together, but separated when Birdwoman aged and Mary didn’t. Bert watches Mary go to Birdwoman, and sees them both become young again as they kiss passionately inside a magical dome of snow. It’s hard to imagine that someone, at some point, decided that there just wasn’t enough Mary Poppins/Birdwoman erotic fiction in the world. Thank you slightlykylie for scratching that particular itch.
The Properties: Multiple fandoms
Fanfiction version: “Just The Way I’m Not” - xxxkawaiikandixxx
Despite the absurdity of the material on this list, the quality with which some of it is written proves that fanfiction is not always a confused, badly spelled stream of fangirl/boy consciousness.
Sometimes, though, it really is. Weighing in at 16 barely legible chapters (after some decoding, ‘supper hat’ seems to mean ‘super hot’) and featuring some of the least erotic and most ridiculous sex scenes you’ll (hopefully) ever encounter, “Just The Way I’m Not” is a porn-fuelled gallop through a Lord Of The Rings/Harry Potter/Supernatural/Sherlock/everything else alternate universe, in which all the characters are at school. Not one sentence makes a lick of sense, no two words are ever spelled the same way twice and the writer’s dad is apparently Smaug. You could likely contract some kind of literary STD just by reading this stuff. (“Bilbo Baggins frm hobbilitown thrust his wonker into my t**t…..Suddenly Batman”). But there has always been room in the world of fanfiction for the unbelievably terrible – and there always will be.