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Classic Scene #62: A Few Good Men

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GALLOWAY: Do Code Reds still happen on this base, Colonel?

KAFFEE: Jo, the Colonel doesn’t need to answer that.

GALLOWAY: Yes he does.

KAFFEE: No, he really doesn’t.

GALLOWAY: Yeah, he really does... Colonel?

JESSEP: You know, it just hit me, she outranks you, Danny.

KAFFEE: Yes sir.

JESSEP: I wanna tell you something, and listen up ‘cause I really mean this. You’re the luckiest man in the world. There’s nothing on this earth sexier, believe me gentlemen, than a woman you have to salute in the morning. Promote ‘em all, I say, ‘cause this is true. If you haven’t gotten a blow job from a superior officer, well, you’re just letting the best in life pass you by...

GALLOWAY: (Trying to remain calm) Colonel, the practice of Code Reds is still condoned by officers on this base, isn’t it?

JESSEP: (Ignoring her question completely)... Of course, my problem is I’m a colonel, so I’ll just have to go on taking cold showers until they elect some gal president.

(Jessep’s officer cronies laugh)

GALLOWAY: I need an answer to my question, sir.

JESSEP: (Sternly) Take caution in your tone Commander, I’m a fair guy, but this fucking heat is making me absolutely crazy. You want to ask me about Code Reds. On the record, I tell you I discourage the practice in accordance with the commanders’ directive. Off the record, it is an invaluable part of close infantry training, and if it happens to go on without my knowledge, so be it. I run my unit how I run my unit. You want to investigate me? Roll the dice and take your chances. I eat my breakfast 300 yards from 4,000 Cubans who are trained to kill me, so don’t think for one second think that you can come down here, flash your badge and make me nervous (He puffs on a cigar).

KAFFEE: (To Galloway) Let’s go.

(They get up to leave. Kaffee turns back)

KAFFEE: (Gingerly) Colonel, I just need a copy of Santiago’s transfer order.

JESSEP: What’s that?

KAFFEE: Santiago’s transfer order. You guys have paperwork on that kind of thing. I just need it for the file.

JESSEP: For the file?

KAFFEE: Yeah.

JESSEP: (Condescendingly) Of course you have a copy of the transfer order for the file, Danny. I’m here to help in any way I can.

KAFFEE: Thank you.

JESSEP: You believe that, don’t you Danny? That I’m here to help you in any way I can.

KAFFEE: Of course.

JESSEP: The corporal will take you by personnel on your way out to the flight line and you can have all the transfer orders that you want.

KAFFEE: Let’s go.

JESSEP: But you have to ask me nicely.

KAFFEE: I beg your pardon?

JESSEP: You have to ask me nicely... You see, Danny, I can deal with the bullets and the bombs and the blood. I don’t want money and don’t want medals. What I do want is for you to stand there in the fagotty white uniform and, with your Harvard mouth, extend me some fucking courtesy... You gotta ask me nicely.

KAFFEE: (Rattled) Colonel Jessep, if it’s not too much trouble I’d like a copy of the transfer order... Sir.

JESSEP: (Grinning triumphantly) No problem.