As a child, Conan is orphaned and sold into slavery. When he grows into a big, strapping lad, he uses his gladiatorial skills to seek out and destroy the warlord responsible for his fate.
It's easy to criticise Conan. Cheesy. Dated. And ever-so-slightly fascist (Conan is the ultimate Aryan: punishing the weak and defending the strong, while looking great in thigh-high boots). But while all that's true, for Arnie fans, the film still rocks.
There's Basil Poledouris' strong score. There's bone-crunching violence from vintage Arnie. And there's a script so bizarre it could only have come from Oliver Stone's 'whoa, man' phase. There's nudity (yet strangely for a movie made by two prominent Republicans, no bush). And, of course, there are midgets wrestling with pigs. And you can't say fairer than that.
For everyone else though, this is probably best enjoyed with friends. Of the tinned variety.