London milkman Jimmy becomes a hero overnight when a boxing promoter discovers that under his skinny frame lie bones of steel and a killer punch. Pushed into a match against US champ Jose Mendez, young Jimmy finds life gets tougher beyond his milk float.
After sporting pointy ears and a blond wig and trading wisecracks with a grouchy dwarf for the past three years, Orlando Bloom's first solo gig should pique the interest of his ravenous followers. Set in South-east London, Bloom's place of birth, this low-budget boxing comedy is as far removed from Middle-earth as you can get, and sadly it's a disappointment all round as none of the integral elements of the film - script, acting or direction ù gel quite as well as they might, and what's left is an over-stylised advert for milk.
While initially looking promising (mainly due to the potentially exciting presence of its superstar-in-the-ascendant leading man), the film takes a sharp nose-dive with the arrival of a series of irritating and tired old characters, gravely overacted. The foreign,cigar-chewing, nonsense- spouting boxing manager, Herbie, the drunk old Irish trainer, masseur mother, slutty girlfriend - really, you couldn't find a sorrier bunch of clichés if you tried. Although tightly directed and utilising ambitious jump-cut editing, it's ultimately the script that leaves The Calcium Kid reeling. We've met these characters a hundred times, only they were much, much funnier before.
Irksome, irritating and unoriginal. Bloom does his best to look like he's enjoying his little sabbatical from Hollywood, but not even he can raise the bar on this one.