You'd think that, what with several set visits and one big old photoshoot notched up, Empire would have been sick of the sight of Hot Fuzz trio, Edgar Wright (writes, directs), Simon Pegg (writes, stars) and Nick Frost (steals, scenes). And let's be frank, the reverse is probably true. Nevertheless, when we were offered some more time with them on the endless slog that is their Hot Fuzz promotional tour, we said yes. But, with every other conventional line of questioning exhausted, what could we possibly ask them? Why, it was Pint Of Milk time, of course! One problem to be ironed out beforehand, though: Nick, who unlike Edgar and Simon, doesn't read the mag, had to be filled in...
Pint Of Milk, eh? This is exciting!
|What the fuck is milk?|
Edgar: (laughs) You seem genuinely angry!
Nick: I just don’t want to be left out!
Simon: It’s a series of quite straightforward questions, but the twist is that you might not know how much a pint of milk is because you’re so famous.
Nick: What the fuck is milk?
First question: have you ever knowingly broken the law?
You're going to have to provide details, or it's a bit boring.
Edgar: I’ve got a good one. I’ve shoplifted a magazine. I’ve done it more than once but on one occasion, it was just after Fistful Of Fingers and there was a good review of Fistful Of Fingers in What’s On In London and I had no money. And I stole it! (laughs)
Simon: That is the worst thing…
Edgar: Well, I always thought that if I got caught, I could make a plea of poverty and being a broke director, anxious for a good review.
Simon: That’s a romantic crime, though, that’s alright. It’s the crime of an artist. I stole a pair of sunglasses from a thrift shop in Bristol. (pause) And a Super Nintendo. I stole a Super Nintendo from a major department store.
Nick: Let’s see. Er… theft. Minor firearms problem. And ABH. And… drugs offences.
Simon: Do you want to see his rap sheet? (laughs)
Can you stand the sight of your own blood?
|We had to get used to the sight of our own blood, we were cut and bruised a lot.|
Simon: Yes. There was a lot of it in Hot Fuzz. We had to get used to the sight of our own blood, we were cut and bruised a lot. But other people’s I find a lot harder than my own. My own, I don’t mind.
Nick: I’m fine with it all. It’s not the blood, it’s just the massive vein it’s pumping out of, it freaks me out.
Simon: I can’t stand the sight of my own bones. That really turns my own stomach when I see my own bones.
Edgar: I’m ok with my own blood.
Have you ever lied about your special skills on your CV?
Simon: (laughs) I don’t think a CV’s complete without a bold-faced lie. I think I can play the guitar… on my CV. But I can’t.
Any chords at all?
Simon: A and B.
The best ones. Nick?
Nick: Erm… no?
Simon: (whispers) He doesn’t know if he’s got one.
Edgar: You’ve got acting on yours!
Nick: I did put ‘acting’, that’s right.
What about you, Edgar? Do directors have CVs?
Edgar: They do. I can’t remember the last time I made one, though, and I can’t remember if it lied about anything particularly. I don’t think so.
Simon: Nick’s IMDb page says he was in The Bill, but that’s something to do with another Nick Frost.
Nick: It also says I directed Tsotsi.
Edgar: My page says I directed Six Pairs Of Pants…
Simon: And you did a great job!
Edgar: Not true!
Let’s get the big one out of the way. How much is a pint of milk? Milk’s a white substance that comes from cows, Nick.
|You should do a vegetarian version of Empire and do How Much Is A Pint Of Soya Milk?|
Simon: I think it’s 46p in my local shop.
Nick: You know what, it depends where you go. If you go into your local corner shop, you’re going to pay over 50p. But if you go into a big Sainsbury’s, you’ll pay about 46p.
Edgar: What about us New Age ponces who buy soya milk? That’s more expensive, isn’t it? Alpro?
Simon: A carton of Alpro is more like £1.26. You should do a vegetarian version of Empire and do How Much Is A Pint Of Soya Milk? How Much Is A Carton Of Hemp Oil?
We could call it Hempire.
Edgar: (laughs) How Much Is A Cart Of Soy?
What’s your biggest extravagance and did you pay cash for it?
Edgar: I bought a suit that cost about thirteen hundred pounds and that was probably my biggest extravagance. I don’t own a car, I’ve never bought a car, so I’d say a suit costing thirteen hundred quids.
Simon: It’s a nice suit.
Edgar: It's a very nice suit.
Was it from Asda?
Nick: The George range!
Edgar: Yeah, I bought thirteen hundred suits at £1 each, from George. I saw the Jimmy Carr advert and wanted them. Did he do that?
Simon: He did Marks & Spencer's.
The Autograph range.
Edgar: Oh yeah, exactly.
Simon: I bought an HD television recently and that was quite extravagant. But I didn’t pay cash. I paid quite sensibly in, erm, luncheon vouchers.
Nick: I would have to say my watch. £1400.
Edgar: Whoooooa! Let’s have a look!
[Everyone, including Empire, gets up and runs over to have a look at Nick, who proudly proffers his watch for inspection]
Nick: It’s the same watch Bond has. That’s the Omega Seamaster.
Edgar: I’m surprised you didn’t mention it in the film the same way he did.
Nick: Why don’t you guys come and nosh me off at the same time? (all laugh) I bought it in Cape Town.
Simon: How much is a pint of milk in South Africa?
Nick: [South African accent] Fahr-tee pehns!
Simon: (laughs) It’s like Lethal Weapon 2!
What’s the best thing you’ve ever stolen from a hotel?
|Hard Boiled is the greatest action film ever made not in the English language|
Simon: A door?
Nick: I’ve never stolen anything from a hotel.
Edgar: You’ve got to take all the shampoo things.
Simon: They’re yours, anyway, aren’t they?
Edgar: They’re like yours anyway. I’ve taken flip flops from a hotel, from that place in Phoenix, what was it called? Sandalbaggers or something. (laughs)
Nick: Camelback. Because of the mountain it was under. What about you, Simon?
Simon: I took someone’s flower.
Edgar: Someone’s flower?
Nick: You mean someone’s virginity?
Edgar: Oh. You wrecked her little flower?
Simon: (laughs, half-shocked, half-appalled) Edgar!
Edgar: What? I didn’t do it!
Is Die Hard the greatest action ever made?
Simon: It’s one of them, I think.
Edgar: Let’s say that it’s the greatest American action movie ever made, and Hard Boiled is the greatest international action film ever made. No, no, no…
Simon: Eh eh?
Edgar: No, no, Hard Boiled is the greatest action film ever made not in the English language and Die Hard is the greatest action film ever made in the action language. OK?
Simon: And Hot Fuzz is the greatest British action film.
Edgar: Not in the English language.
Simon: In a West Country accent.
When were you last naked outdoors?
Simon: When I was running from that girl, from the hotel, with that flower.
Nick: I don't know.
Is it something you do regularly?
Nick: Not at all.
Simon: I think a couple of years ago in Brazil.
Nick: Oh, you…
Edgar: I can’t remember.
Nick: I remember being a little 7 year-old, running around the rockpools.
Simon: I was naked in the garden in Somerset. We were staying in a cottage and I had a robe on.
Edgar: That doesn’t count!
Simon: I had a robe on! I had a mechanical woody!
Edgar: That’s like saying I was naked on the beach but I was wearing trunks!
Nick: That’s what Transformers get: they get a robe on!
Last one: What’s your favourite swear word?
Edgar: It’s gotta be cunt.
Nick: Yep, cunt.
Simon: I’d like to extend that to cuntybollocks.
Edgar: It's brutally efficient.