Pint Of Milk, eh? This is exciting!
|What the fuck is milk?|
Tell me what it is, before we do it!
Edgar: (laughs) You seem genuinely angry!
Nick: I just don’t want to be left out!
Simon: It’s a series of quite straightforward questions, but the twist is that you might not know how much a pint of milk is because you’re so famous.
Nick: What the fuck is milk?
First question: have you ever knowingly broken the law?
You're going to have to provide details, or it's a bit boring.
Edgar: I’ve got a good one. I’ve shoplifted a magazine. I’ve done it more than once but on one occasion, it was just after Fistful Of Fingers and there was a good review of Fistful Of Fingers in What’s On In London and I had no money. And I stole it! (laughs)
Simon: That is the worst thing…
Edgar: Well, I always thought that if I got caught, I could make a plea of poverty and being a broke director, anxious for a good review.
Simon: That’s a romantic crime, though, that’s alright. It’s the crime of an artist. I stole a pair of sunglasses from a thrift shop in Bristol. (pause) And a Super Nintendo. I stole a Super Nintendo from a major department store.
Nick: Let’s see. Er… theft. Minor firearms problem. And ABH. And… drugs offences.
Simon: Do you want to see his rap sheet? (laughs)
Can you stand the sight of your own blood?
|We had to get used to the sight of our own blood, we were cut and bruised a lot. |
Yes. And the taste.
Simon: Yes. There was a lot of it in Hot Fuzz. We had to get used to the sight of our own blood, we were cut and bruised a lot. But other people’s I find a lot harder than my own. My own, I don’t mind.
Nick: I’m fine with it all. It’s not the blood, it’s just the massive vein it’s pumping out of, it freaks me out.
Simon: I can’t stand the sight of my own bones. That really turns my own stomach when I see my own bones.
Edgar: I’m ok with my own blood.
Have you ever lied about your special skills on your CV?
Simon: (laughs) I don’t think a CV’s complete without a bold-faced lie. I think I can play the guitar… on my CV. But I can’t.
Any chords at all?
Simon: A and B.
The best ones. Nick?
Nick: Erm… no?
Simon: (whispers) He doesn’t know if he’s got one.
Edgar: You’ve got acting on yours!
Nick: I did put ‘acting’, that’s right.
What about you, Edgar? Do directors have CVs?
Edgar: They do. I can’t remember the last time I made one, though, and I can’t remember if it lied about anything particularly. I don’t think so.
Simon: Nick’s IMDb page says he was in The Bill, but that’s something to do with another Nick Frost.
Nick: It also says I directed Tsotsi.
Edgar: My page says I directed Six Pairs Of Pants…
Simon: And you did a great job!
Edgar: Not true!
Let’s get the big one out of the way. How much is a pint of milk? Milk’s a white substance that comes from cows, Nick.
|You should do a vegetarian version of Empire and do How Much Is A Pint Of Soya Milk?|
Simon: I think it’s 46p in my local shop.
Nick: You know what, it depends where you go. If you go into your local corner shop, you’re going to pay over 50p. But if you go into a big Sainsbury’s, you’ll pay about 46p.
Edgar: What about us New Age ponces who buy soya milk? That’s more expensive, isn’t it? Alpro?
Simon: A carton of Alpro is more like £1.26. You should do a vegetarian version of Empire and do How Much Is A Pint Of Soya Milk? How Much Is A Carton Of Hemp Oil?
We could call it Hempire.
Edgar: (laughs) How Much Is A Cart Of Soy?
What’s your biggest extravagance and did you pay cash for it?
Edgar: I bought a suit that cost about thirteen hundred pounds and that was probably my biggest extravagance. I don’t own a car, I’ve never bought a car, so I’d say a suit costing thirteen hundred quids.
Simon: It’s a nice suit.
Edgar: It's a very nice suit.
Was it from Asda?
Nick: The George range!
Edgar: Yeah, I bought thirteen hundred suits at £1 each, from George. I saw the Jimmy Carr advert and wanted them. Did he do that?
Simon: He did Marks & Spencer's.
The Autograph range.
Edgar: Oh yeah, exactly.
Simon: I bought an HD television recently and that was quite extravagant. But I didn’t pay cash. I paid quite sensibly in, erm, luncheon vouchers.
Nick: I would have to say my watch. £1400.
Edgar: Whoooooa! Let’s have a look!
[Everyone, including Empire, gets up and runs over to have a look at Nick, who proudly proffers his watch for inspection]
Nick: It’s the same watch Bond has. That’s the Omega Seamaster.
Edgar: I’m surprised you didn’t mention it in the film the same way he did.
Nick: Why don’t you guys come and nosh me off at the same time? (all laugh) I bought it in Cape Town.
Simon: How much is a pint of milk in South Africa?
Nick: [South African accent] Fahr-tee pehns!
Simon: (laughs) It’s like Lethal Weapon 2!
What’s the best thing you’ve ever stolen from a hotel?
|Hard Boiled is the greatest action film ever made not in the English language |
Simon: A door?
Nick: I’ve never stolen anything from a hotel.
Edgar: You’ve got to take all the shampoo things.
Simon: They’re yours, anyway, aren’t they?
Edgar: They’re like yours anyway. I’ve taken flip flops from a hotel, from that place in Phoenix, what was it called? Sandalbaggers or something. (laughs)
Nick: Camelback. Because of the mountain it was under. What about you, Simon?
Simon: I took someone’s flower.
Edgar: Someone’s flower?
Nick: You mean someone’s virginity?
Edgar: Oh. You wrecked her little flower?
Simon: (laughs, half-shocked, half-appalled) Edgar!
Edgar: What? I didn’t do it!
Is Die Hard the greatest action ever made?
Simon: It’s one of them, I think.
Edgar: Let’s say that it’s the greatest American action movie ever made, and Hard Boiled is the greatest international action film ever made. No, no, no…
Simon: Eh eh?
Edgar: No, no, Hard Boiled is the greatest action film ever made not in the English language and Die Hard is the greatest action film ever made in the action language. OK?
Simon: And Hot Fuzz is the greatest British action film.
Edgar: Not in the English language.
Simon: In a West Country accent.
When were you last naked outdoors?
Simon: When I was running from that girl, from the hotel, with that flower.
Nick: I don't know.
Is it something you do regularly?
Nick: Not at all.
Simon: I think a couple of years ago in Brazil.
Nick: Oh, you…
Edgar: I can’t remember.
Nick: I remember being a little 7 year-old, running around the rockpools.
Simon: I was naked in the garden in Somerset. We were staying in a cottage and I had a robe on.
Edgar: That doesn’t count!
Simon: I had a robe on! I had a mechanical woody!
Edgar: That’s like saying I was naked on the beach but I was wearing trunks!
Nick: That’s what Transformers get: they get a robe on!
Last one: What’s your favourite swear word?
Edgar: It’s gotta be cunt.
Nick: Yep, cunt.
Simon: I’d like to extend that to cuntybollocks.
Edgar: It's brutally efficient.