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Noah - 24/3/2014 7:36:14 PM   
Empire Admin


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Post #: 1
- 24/3/2014 7:36:14 PM   

Posts: 277
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From: Nottingham
Urm, isn't Emma Watson playing Logan Lerman's girlfriend? If so cheers for the spoiler.

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Post #: 2
- 24/3/2014 7:39:21 PM   

Posts: 277
Joined: 13/7/2008
From: Nottingham
Scratch that, apparently not, still a spoiler mind.

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Post #: 3
Spoiler - 25/3/2014 12:03:58 AM   


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Agreed to the other two comments. Wtf, Empire. Pretty uncool and certainly not necessary for the review. Does anyone even bother to vet/edit these before they go to (digital) press?

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Post #: 4
- 25/3/2014 9:13:44 AM   


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Guys, how can you complain about spoilers in a story were the entire Earth is wiped clean by God's wrath and the only survivors are the animals and Noah's family?

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Post #: 5
- 25/3/2014 1:24:02 PM   


Posts: 606
Joined: 30/11/2005
I can't comment on a film I haven't yet seen - but if I were going on the basis of this review, I wouldn't want to see the film! However, I can comment on an oddly structured review, one I'm assuming was written to a limited word count? If so, why waste the first two paragraphs needlessly eulogising Aronofsky, instead of actually telling us about the film? When the review starts hitting a narrative stride, it then crashes to a sudden halt!

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Post #: 6
Spoiler - 25/3/2014 2:07:14 PM   


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Very poor. Reviews should never contain such spoilers. I expect better from Empire Magazine.

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Post #: 7
No No Noah - 26/3/2014 12:11:19 AM   
Peregrine Took


Posts: 2624
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From: Down Hobbiton way
I attended a preview of the film last night. Basically, just a disaster movie with delusions of grandeur. The special effects are OK, but apart from that...............Ho Hum.

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Post #: 8
Meh - 1/4/2014 12:52:10 AM   


Posts: 221
Joined: 3/11/2005
It looks great, the acting is good, but that is all! Its very boring! I feel like DA is just trying to show the studios that he can direct on a big scale and set himself up for some Hobbit type shit in the future.

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Post #: 9
Meh - 1/4/2014 5:44:33 AM   


Posts: 221
Joined: 3/11/2005
It looks great, the acting is good, but that is all! Its very boring! I feel like DA is just trying to show the studios that he can direct on a big scale and set himself up for some Hobbit type shit in the future.

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Post #: 10
If only more blockbusters were like this. - 1/4/2014 8:20:30 AM   


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Thank God (no pun intended) they're not...

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Post #: 11
Oh No-ah! - 5/4/2014 6:52:03 PM   


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Joined: 30/1/2007
Saw Noah on Monday with a Q&A with the Director and Patti Smith showed up as she wrote a lullaby for the film. The only things I liked about Noah were Russell Crowe, Ray Winstone and that Patti Smith wrote a song for it.

It was a particularly lame effort at sending out an eco message via the medium of half-arsed bible epic. Clearly someone got confused with the word blockbuster and epic and decided that what the film really needed to appeal to the yoof market was to put some Transformers in there but, you know, disguised, like big rocks. This made me thing of the rock monster in Galaxy Quest and I wanted to start shouted "Roc! Roc".

Just to make sure it really appealed to the quinoa eating audience they made sure that those good souls that God would save would not be eating any meat. They also gave them all middle class English accents, after all, need that audience to relate. Meanwhile, the Iceland horse burgers having run out, team "working class soap-dodging white trash" munched on live animals to prove how really disgusting and soulless they were. Ray Winstone did his best not to call everyone a "slag" and gave his traditional growling bad-guy routine.

Russell looked pained most of the way through the film as if wishing the flood would just hurry up and drown him before he had to emote to another tennis ball on a stick representing an elephant. Meanwhile, Hermoine cried a lot and I waited for the dementors to show up - seriously, I wouldn't have been surprised. Douglas Booth is Keira Knightley in male form, big eyes and pouting at the camera throughout.

Don't bother. Go watch The Double instead.

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Post #: 12
An unexpected ecological allegory - 5/4/2014 8:29:47 PM   


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Joined: 20/2/2009
I went into this expecting decent effects and just having to 'put up' with the story (to an agnostic, the actual story, like probably to many others is highly unlikely - scientifically impossible.) However, the spread of Cain's Industrial - revolution style cities eating the planet (although come on, 4000 years ago wasn't Pangaea and Gondwalaland, lets get some factual accuracy please.....) is a bit of a well couldn't Nature do with a bit of divine intervention to wipe out the plague of 7 billion of us and counting statement. Noah is a lot more evil in this than you thought he was - nearly knifing two newborns to death and amazingly quesatuioning whether he did the right thing to spare them! Some of the speeded up weathering is impressive if obviously CGId at times. And despite the fact that the Ark was supposed to have come to land in what is modern day Turkey, the post flood landscape looks more like Tarantsay from Castaway. Controversial in many ways but not too bad and I gave Black Swan a 5.

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Post #: 13
An utter joke - 6/4/2014 6:03:24 PM   


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Joined: 9/9/2013
I know the Bible has its fair share of nonsense, but this rubbish would've tried to sneak wizards and hobbits in if it could. How could we even begin to take this seriously when rock monsters start transforming on screen and then speaking in English lol, then we have Ray Winstone firing flares and shooting guns lol and the best of the lot...Anthony Hopkins fixing a womb with just the touch of his hand...dear oh dear, what utter garbage. At some points I thought I was watching the latest Riddick movie!! Utter shite of the lowest order.

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Post #: 14
4 Stars? Seriously? Is this an April fools joke? A Misp... - 6/4/2014 11:17:36 PM   


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Joined: 6/4/2014
I have trusted Empire reviews and subscribed to for over 20 years, but 4 stars ???

It was soooo boring, pretentious and self indulgent that I was tempted to walk out.

Really tempted to cancel my Empire subscription as I feel robbed of the money spent on this film and the time wasted watching it.

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Post #: 15
More like Noah and the Fail - 8/4/2014 12:38:26 PM   


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Joined: 16/2/2009
This was a mostly awful film; please don't waste your money or your time.
The font used to explain the context of the story and the Clannad style soundtrack are too reminiscent of LOTR as are the fallen angels (nephilim). I loved the previous reviewer's description of them as Transformers!
Rather than it being a 'magnificent sequence' The two MTV montages with migraine inducing CGI only really needed a Leftfield or Fat Boy Slim soundtrack to make them more 'Baz Luhrmann'- I had to turn my face away from the screen.
At times (towards the end) the cliche quotient had reached such a point that the audience were laughing and at the end a number of us thanked the Lord that it was over.

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Post #: 16
RE: More like Noah and the Fail - 8/4/2014 8:16:06 PM   
Dr Lenera


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As a young boy, Noah witnessed his father being killed by a young king named Tubal-Cain, who wanted to seize their land. The king then looted Lamech’s corpse for an ancient snake skin which had been passed down from Adam and Eve to Seth and his descendants while Noah hid away. Many years later, Noah is living with his wife Naameh and his three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth. Haunted by vivid dreams of a flood , Noah becomes convinced that the Creator is telling him that all life will be destroyed by water. He travels with his family to visit his grandfather, Methuselah, who gives him a seed passed down from the Garden of Eden. He plants it and an entire forest grows in seconds. Noah announces that all the wood will be used to build an ark….

It seems that any religious film, or film based on a religious subject, is bound to cause much fuss, but after reading the rows on places like the IMDB, you could be forgiven for thinking that people have gone mad. On one side you have your extreme Christians who won’t tolerate any deviation from their Holy Bible [one irritating result of this being that huge numbers of them, many of whom haven’t even seen the film, have rated it 1 out of 10 on the IMDB which drastically lowers its overall score] and on the other side you have your extreme Atheists who just don’t tolerate Christians [and it does often seem to be Christianity they hate more than any other religion for some reason] and therefore think that any Christian-based material is nonsense and worthy of nothing more than scorn. Frankly I think it’s all a bit pathetic and is evidence of huge narrow mindedness. All this doesn’t seem to have harmed the box office takings, which are surprisingly high in a time where sword and sandal epics tend not to attract the paying public and are even considered passé by many, though of course we almost didn’t get to see director Darren Aronofsky’s original cut, the studio laughably trying out an enormously cut down and re-edited version to please all these fanatical Christians in the States.

Now I love sword and sandal epics, though they don’t tend to be very good at the moment. Hell, I even tend to enjoy Biblical films because I think they are great stories full of the ingredients that great stories have. Therefore I could hardly wait to see what the genius director of Black Swan, The Fountain and Requiem For A Dream, who actually wrote a poem about Noah for school that won a United Nations contest and has clearly been interested in the story ever since, would do with Noah. The result is one of those wonderfully ambitious, messy follies that reaches for greatness and doesn’t really succeed, but is far more praise-worthy and interesting than most of the other stuff that’s out there at the moment. Now Aronofsky is an Atheist, said fact in itself obviously being enough to upset many, and his film doesn’t follow the story of Noah exactly, though it’s such a short story that any film adaptation would have to add a whole lot. However, it does explore Christian values such as faith, obedience, providence and salvation, Aronofsky certainly respectful of these things despite not being a Christian, and to me he doesn’t insult the Bible or God. This isn’t the Old Testament of Sunday school, this is the Old Testament closer to how it actually is, full of violence, harshness and ambiguities, containing supposedly sympathetic characters who sack cities massacring women and children, or supposedly sympathetic characters who commit incest, and a God who is as cruel more than he is kind. Aronofksy and his co-writer Ari Handel have taken many liberties, but they’ve taken many of them with thought and even respect for the deep themes of the story.

Noah is not set in a conventional Middle Eastern past. Rather, and it’s a perfectly decent idea considering that equivalents of the tale of Noah exist in many ancient mythologies, it’s set in a more fantastical past that doesn’t seem to be part of any particular culture, though it sometimes actually feels that it’s all taking place in a post-apocalyptic world with the amount of pains that have been taken to present a world that has gone to rot. There’s even mention of an industrial civilisation, though it’s ludicrous that any ancient civilisation would be able to almost entirely ‘ruin’ the world, meaning that Aronovky and Handel make a bit of a mistake in bringing an environmentalist agenda to the story. It also leaves them to contradict themselves with things like us being shown the remnants of a forest that has been destroyed, yet we have Noah do exactly the same thing when he builds his Ark, unless it’s meant ironically, which I doubt. Still, Noah’s forbidding world is still a convincing one, the Icelandic locations superbly utilised, at least until the Seraphim appear. They’re fallen angels who have been transformed into rock giants, which is a cool idea, but they just look and move like bloody Transformers, a problem when they get a huge amount of screen time!

Aronovsky and Handel do successfully bring in hints of other Bible tales like Sodom and Gomorrah and Androcles and The Lion, even if certain other elements like one of Noah’s son’s falling for a woman from the other side of the tracks seem to be given short shrift. Noah feels a bit cut down, yet it’s long enough already and some scenes and elements don’t seem to have a whole lot of point. The villain of the piece for quite a while seems to be Tubal-Cain, the brutal king who supposedly rules where Noah is building his ark, but as the flood gets underway and after a Lord Of The Rings-esque battle scene, it seems that Noah himself is becoming the bad guy. The film really does delve into some dark waters, daring to ask if religious zealotry and paranoid delusion might be the same thing, and creates some very uncomfortable tension, while those who hate what the writers have done with the character should probably remember tales like the story of Abraham, whom God asked to sacrifice his son to test his faith. It helps immensely that, after some rather ropey performances, Russell Crowe is back to being his powerful best as an actor, conveying his character’s internal conflicts very convincingly. Of course Ray Winstone just does his usual hard man act and Logan Lerman still has no charisma whatsoever.

Aronofsky sometimes seems a little lost and a little ill at ease in a big budget fantasy movie full of special effects. While Noah certainly fits in with the rest of his filmography which tends to share similar themes like rebirth and an obsessive protagonist, it does seem somewhat studio-constrained, even if what we have here is indeed his original cut. The intoxicating dreamlike feel to all of Aronofsky’s work except The Wrestler is missing here, while the special effects are a mixed bag. The animals look fine, though the actual flood is distinctly underwhelming and very anti-climactic except for one bit where Noah and his family are inside the ark and we here the screams of drowning people from outside, whereupon we cut to the harrowing sight of folk clinging to the top of a mountain as water swoops up to sweep them away. The most interesting scene is a creation sequence, done mostly with quick freeze frames, which begins in space and fast forwards to the destructiveness of mankind. The familiar, simple but strong imagery is effective and there’s even some wit – where are the apes? – though a few of the more personal touches elsewhere grate. I guess that, for instance, if you’re against eating meat, you’ll love a film which is clearly pro-vegetarianism, but if you’re not, like me, then you may get irritated at the obvious messaging. This is the thing about Noah: there’s much that doesn’t work, and much that might even annoy, but there’s also much that’s really great and there’s so much in it to admire even if nobody would probably love everything in the film.

Matthew Libatique’s cinematography gives us lots of lovely silhouette shots, but Clint Mansell’s score is underwhelming. It’s not bad, and backs up whatever occurs on-screen reasonably well, but lacks anything memorable and often just sounds like adaptations of his superb score to The Fountain, which is the Aronofksy film Noah has been most compared to. This project should have inspired Mansell to do better. Aronofsky has made much better movies – in fact I’d say most of his other films are better than Noah – but in a weird way it’s very admirable, and not just that the studio let him go ahead and do it. I’m not entirely convinced that Aronofsky’s nihilism was totally right for this tale, but his fearlessness and authority have certainly given him the right to tell it. Noah may be set in some mythological past, but it seems vital and alive. If only Aronofsky was making Exodus: Gods And Kings rather than that has-been Ridley Scott. We would really have something. As for Noah, I found a lot wrong with it, but there are times it tries really hard to be great and there are traces of a masterpiece here and there.

Rating: 7.5/10


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Post #: 17
Utterly Hilarious! (spoilers) - 8/4/2014 9:59:21 PM   


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This movie is a laugh riot.

I think Aronofsky deserves a lot of credit for shining some light on the lesser-known aspects of Noah's plight.

From the magical rock-monsters that do most of the heavy-lifting. To exposing Noah's cockblocking antics that lead his son to a 9-month plan of revenge. Introducing us to the story of Hopkins' magical hand that cures barren wombs.

My favourite moment is when Noah experiences that age-old concern of learning that his son (Ham or Spam?) has gone and got a girl knocked-up and so he goes bat shit over the notion of having <another> mouth to feed on the ark. Which thankfully has plenty of superfluous materials lying around allowing for Spam or Ham to build a whole other mini-ark on which to escape Noah's tyrannical rule.

Which, to be fair, you can understand given how things are bad enough on board, with his nagging wife and Fatty Winstone constantly giving him betting updates when he's not munching his way through all the snakes and shit.

Nice ending too. We finally learn that Noah, having survived all this epic stress, gets to live out his final days getting sloshed on the beach and passing out naked. #Lad.

PS: It was also great to learn the answer to the greatest riddle of all time: what exactly did they do with all the animal shit? Answer? there never was any because of the magical smoke that put them all into a cryogenic-esque stasis. #smart

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Post #: 18
RE: Noah - 8/4/2014 10:24:17 PM   


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Throughout the work of arthouse extraordinaire Darren Aronofsky, there has always been a religious theme, such as a conversation about kabbalah in his debut Pi, an epic journey of love and the Tree of Life in his underrated masterpiece The Fountain, and even the strange Christ-like imagery of Mickey Rourke’s battered boy in The Wrestler. Whilst we await for Ridley Scott’s upcoming Exodus, Aronofsky’s big-budgeted retelling of Noah’s Ark seems to mark the return of the biblical epic.

As the world continues to be corrupted by the wrath of man, Noah (Russell Crowe) is haunted by vivid dreams, predicting the Creator’s plan to flood the Earth. Following the Creator’s task, Noah and his family build an ark for the innocence that is animal life to survive the flood. However, the tyrant king Tubal-cain (Ray Winstone) plans to lead an army to seize the ark.

While there was a fear that Aronofsky has gone Hollywood with Noah after his back catalogue of low-budget indie work and no doubt that this is his most commercial work to date, he is just as ambitious as before, though not exactly hitting the same marks. Adapting something as biblical as Noah’s Ark, Aronofsky and co-writer Ari Handel aren’t interested in creating a religious film, while there is nothing literal about the story.

It is, in the words of the director, “mythical” as the world within the film is not defined by a time period as despite the biblical references, the way the story is depicted fits more into the realms of science-fiction and fantasy. For instance, there are the Watchers who are fallen angels who remain in Earth as stone golems, looking like they’ve could been in Lord of the Rings and they do take part in an epic battle sequence, while Tubal-cain (Ray Winstone at his most Ray Winstone-ness) look like the bad guys from Mad Max and, I hate to say this, Waterworld.

No doubt that this film can go rampart with moments of ripe drama including Anthony Hopkins as the grandfather who is wise but a bit senile as he’s just obsess with berries, while the biblical references such as the arrival of the animals from birds to reptiles, etc., you keep this is going into Monty Python territory. However, there is an extraordinary sequence later on where Noah tells the story of the birth of life which is a religious narrative explaining the big gang theory, evolution, to the birth and fall of Adam and Eve. This is pure spectacle, using similar visual effects techniques from The Fountain.

Amidst the high level of theatricality, at its heart the film is about a family is falling apart because of the father whose obsessive pursuit of ideals leads to severely self-destructive behaviour. Despite the various and sometimes silly haircuts to distinguish the time periods, Russell Crowe is in top form as the eponymous protagonist who is initially seen as a man who is trying to do good by protecting the innocence, but as his task progresses he becomes more disillusioned and only see’s the darkness in mankind and there is a level of ambiguity whether he did receive messages from the Creator, which threatens his family.

What also makes Crowe’s performance work is the chemistry with his on-screen family, including Jennifer Connelly as Noah's wife Naameh who despite her loyalty to her husband, can see the danger of which he threatens and eventually brings. As for Emma Watson, she continues to shine her post-Harry Potter career as his daughter-in-law Ila who is conflicted between being part of the family and the future wife of Noah’s eldest son and still being traumatised from a wound, physically and emotionally.

Whilst it doesn’t capture the thought-provoking magnificence of The Fountain, Darren Aronofsky presents an adventurous biblical epic loosely based on Noah’s Ark and despite the level of ridiculousness, its sweeping visuals and strong performances keep it engaging.

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Post #: 19
An expensive mess - 9/4/2014 9:59:30 AM   


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From: Manchester
I came away with really mixed feelings about the film. Some parts were superb and other areas appalling. On the whole I thought the cast was fine. Connelly was great and Watson's overly expressive eyebrows seemed less annoying than usual.

The rock monsters/transformers were very poorly done and ill advised. I'd have cut the whole battle scene to be honest. It wasn't needed.

At time the CGI was very well done and at other times it was laughable. What was with the need for the awful CGI babies? Just get real babies!

Some set pieces were superb. The creation story was brilliantly told and the scene with the stream spreading started well and was effective, but went on about 10 seconds too long, so it eventually ended up evoking memories of Benny Hill's fast cut running. Also a few jarring scenes that looked TERRIBLE. An example would be the short scene where Noah and his wife have a conversation silhouetted against the sunset. It looked really poor. Like a cheap BBC daytime drama trying an "arty" shot.

Very weird film.

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Post #: 20
- 10/4/2014 2:26:53 AM   


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Great review, Dan. Agreed on all points of your verdict. Incredible scenes of creation and very creative handling of such a well-known tale.

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Post #: 21
RE: Noah - 10/4/2014 3:03:13 PM   


Posts: 1
Joined: 27/11/2012
Four stars!? Are you serious? This is one of the most dreadful films I've seen so far this year. Watching it is punishment enough for the sins of mankind.

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Post #: 22
One word review: diabiblical - 10/4/2014 8:10:22 PM   

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Joined: 16/6/2011
Awful from start to finish. That is all. I won't waste another precious second on this waste of time.

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Post #: 23
The film should have been drowned at birth - 10/4/2014 9:05:26 PM   
Pop Leibel


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Repulsive film making.

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Post #: 24
Four stars ...what a Joke - 10/4/2014 10:12:40 PM   


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Joined: 22/11/2012
Hard work to watch. I just got more disappointed with the movie as it went on. It culminates in me walking out 5 minutes from the end. It was a crap movie.

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Post #: 25
RE: Noah - 11/4/2014 1:40:42 PM   

Posts: 2493
Joined: 3/10/2005
From: Belfast
Achieves a special kind of awful.

It is that mercifully rare thing, a bible story with a transformers subtext.

I didn't like Black Swan, but I came away from that at least thinking Mr. Aronofsky was a serious film maker. Now I just picture him wearing one of those little caps with a propeller on it.

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Post #: 26
Even God can't miracle this one four stars - 12/4/2014 1:33:05 AM   
Cutting room


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Joined: 12/4/2014
Extremely difficult to sit through this for over two hours. I only did in the vain attempt it would rescue itself, which it didn't. The CGI animals could have been drawn by a 12 year old. The rock creatures were like The LOTR Ents before they went pro. A great cast who must be drinking themselves silly by now, wondering how the hell they got themselves into that. If you really want to enjoy this film, drink litres of water, spend most of the time in the toilet peeing, you'll enjoy that more. I'll give it one star, just for the advertisements convincing everyone it was "Epic". Ben Hur, The Robe etc... Now that's what Epic means.

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Post #: 27
NOT A DROP TO DRINK.... - 12/4/2014 1:08:48 PM   


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Joined: 14/7/2008
An acorn from the original Garden of Eden? Methuselah as an ancient sword wielding hero of yore? Fallen angels – who turn into fearsome rock creatures? Clearly, this is a version of the great flood that you have to take with a huge pinch of salt. It’s far too long for starters – and I could have done without all that unconvincing teenage angst rubbish which seems to have been inserted into the narrative only to bring in the prized Twilight/Hunger Games demographic. Top notch SFX though even if the basic story itself is all quite ludicrous. If God really wanted to destroy us all, I’m fairly sure that he could find a more effective and efficient way of doing it. 3 STARS

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Post #: 28
Pah - 12/4/2014 4:11:47 PM   


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Joined: 12/4/2014
Before the flood did everyone choose their own accents? Seems you could have been English, Welsh, American or Australian in Old Testament times

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Post #: 29
RE: Noah - 13/4/2014 9:45:06 PM   


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