great_badir
Posts: 4206
Joined: 6/10/2005
From: A breaking rope bridge in the middle of the jungle
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Jappatong Phallagappagang (Yokulmonng Kellaprivattong, 1974) - loosely translated as ‘Transsexual Bank Robber', this gentle Thai and Filipino co-production looks at the tender friendship which strikes up between a terminally ill transsexual bank robber and one of his/her hostages, a 10 year old boy. Often criticised for being a blatant rip-off of Dog Day Afternoon, Jappatong was actually made a year before and loosely based on the same source news story. All copies of the film were burnt as they left the developers.
Who's the Daft Apeth Now, Pikan? (Norman Normanly, 1942) - also-ran Northern war time comedy which featured Will Hay-alike Stanley Smurthington in his career defining and destroying role as cheeky Private Patsy Purvess, in a film version of the popular radio series ‘Not Up My Back Alley, You Don’t’. The story concentrates on Patsy and his pals as they try to sell soap rations to the Gestapo in exchange for state secrets. Sadly, Smurthington committed suicide by throwing himself off a double decker bus weeks after Pikan was released when film emerged of him accidentally killing one of director Normanly’s prostitutes.
Small Soldiers (Yurgl Yevgennie, 1986) – no, not that ‘Small Soldiers’, Yevgennie’s Israeli guerrilla war film centres on a group of mercenary dwarves who are tasked with rescuing Israel’s most famous family of tall people from a maniacal despot intent on destroying the nation’s telecommunications. Heavily influenced by the films of Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, Small Soldiers remains the most violent film ever made with over 4000 graphic on screen deaths. It is still banned outright in over forty countries, and has had at least 3 hours cut from its 7 hour running time in most others. Several cast and crew members, including three dwarves, were tragically killed on set when eleven tanks lost control during a key action sequence. On viewing the film fully uncut shortly before it was released, late British director Michael Winner was reported to have left the screening room crying and vomiting. In an interview conducted later that week, Winner’s personal assistant said that the director was still visibly upset, whilst also revealing that Winner had vomited so much, his restaurant review notebook could not even be opened, let alone read, as it was so saturated with vomit. Six months later, Winner was finally able to speak in front of other people and said “my next films will be fairy tales for children”.
Bouef, Bap, alours! (Francois Millemeux-de-saint, 1950) – this long forgotten slice of proto French new wave was not released until 1960, when the genre had become popular amongst chin-stroking intellectuals with beards and no moustaches. A young couple (played by Emillie de Rosonsonson and Gervavre Pontieusac) holidaying in St Tropez decide to rob a jewellers for no reason, and then go on the run trying to fence their spoils across the country. A mixture of black and white, sepia and three-strip technicolour, the film is most famous for its unedited single take 16 minute sequence shot in sonochrome, where the couple sit side by side staring directly at the camera saying the names of people they’ve known since birth, whilst their charge sheet is typed up (off screen) by the detective who caught them.
Faen Helvete Fittetryne! [trans. ‘Fucking Hell Cuntface!’] (Bobo Estvenssonn, 1991) – the second, and most superior, film in the Cuntface trilogy, ‘Faen Helvete’ is one of Norway’s most popular films and Cuntface one of its most popular cultural characters. Faen Helvete carries on immediately from where the first Cuntface film (‘Manndige pikk med mye hår, Fittetryne’ [Joost van der Ververanderdanderhoeven, 1990]) finished, as Cuntface is left alone to take on Norway’s lethal ice fishing industry. The final Cuntface film, ‘Slingrefitte Vs. Fittetryne’ (Bo Oerst-hur-vandervesterjooen, 1993) was one of Norway’s biggest box office disasters and was released to savage critical reviews, with Jan Van Den Vanden Jan Jansson, Norway’s most respected film critic, calling it “an insult to at least six generations of my family” and “shit”.
Nankin komoriuta, rarabai [‘Nanking Lullaby’, AKA ‘Rape My Nan, King’ in China] (Yosimoju Kajumato, 1963) – light hearted Japanese romantic comedy musical with a dash of slapstick set against the backdrop of the 1937 Nanking massacre. Promising young officer Jun Takahata (played by 60s Japanese heart throb and skiffle star Yoji Futomuto) falls in love with a poor Chinese waitress (played by later disgraced hardcore porn star Yippi Nangnang) after her entire family are brutally slaughtered by Takahata’s company. Much to his senior officers’ chagrin, Takahata takes in the waitress as two cultures hilariously collide, with the two hating each other at first, but gradually being attracted to each other as they reveal more of their characters through numerous vividly shot song and dance routines. More famous these days as Kim Jeong-Il’s favourite film of all time.
Look at the Size of My Knob (Alfred Hitchcock, 1978) – contrary to popular belief, ‘Family Plot’ was not Hitchcock’s last film. Towards the end of ‘Family Plot’s’ shoot, Hitchcock, fed up with working on tightly budgeted thrillers and mysteries, began work on an expensive bawdy comedy starring Robin Askwith and Bernard Bresslaw as door-to-door door knob salesmen. Recognising in Askwith a natural comical bent missing for most of his career, Hitchcock crafted the film especially around Askwith’s onscreen persona. In a shocking turn of events, Hitchcock would direct Askwith in a highly pornographic scene which offended now-dead pornstar John Holmes to the extent that he immediately quit the porn industry and became a homeless drug addict. Knob was received terribly by critics, and made a paltry £150 (against its budget of £15million) at the box office. The film has since been erased from all records mentioning Hitchcock.
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