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RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 17/1/2013 11:00:42 AM

Sway

Posts: 8880
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Albuquerque

quote:

ORIGINAL: matty_b

But then if you asked him about this, he'd probably point out that he's still 'happily' married, whereas I'm seperated and alone, so maybe that makes him the big winner after all.

I'm not 100% sure if you're being slightly sarcastic here or if you genuinely feel that way, but there's no way in hell I'd ever consider a lack of independence a cause for celebrating over being single. Some people are just far too scared to face life without a partner - I know dozens of people who go from one partner to the next because they just can't handle being single, and that's a real shame. That's not living life - that's being propped up through life by somebody else.

Now before everybody jumps down my throat for that, I'm not saying every single person in a relationship is like that. Of course not, the example I gave is definitely in the minority, but for people caught up in a relationship where one of the partners is very controlling over their other half's life in general.... well you have to wonder why they let themselves be treated that way.

I know that when you're in a relationship and it develops into a family, that is obviously your priority in life, and rightly so. But that doesn't have to be to the detriment of other parts of your life. Again, it's about balance and compromise. You can't maintain the same amount of time you used to spend with pals, or doing various other things that you could when you're single, but that doesn't mean those things should be shut out completely.

Like Harry Tuttle said though, everybody's different. So I can't assume to know how 'happy' somebody is in a relationship or marriage where they're controlled by their partner, because that might be what they like. I just know that I'd rather stay single for the rest of my life than ever be told what to do by somebody, instead of asked or bringing it up for discussion.

_____________________________

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(in reply to matty_b)

Post #: 31

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 17/1/2013 12:11:26 PM

Harley Quinn

Posts: 5768
Joined: 23/1/2008
From: Arkham

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sway

quote:

ORIGINAL: matty_b

But then if you asked him about this, he'd probably point out that he's still 'happily' married, whereas I'm seperated and alone, so maybe that makes him the big winner after all.

I'm not 100% sure if you're being slightly sarcastic here or if you genuinely feel that way, but there's no way in hell I'd ever consider a lack of independence a cause for celebrating over being single. Some people are just far too scared to face life without a partner - I know dozens of people who go from one partner to the next because they just can't handle being single, and that's a real shame. That's not living life - that's being propped up through life by somebody else.

Now before everybody jumps down my throat for that, I'm not saying every single person in a relationship is like that. Of course not, the example I gave is definitely in the minority, but for people caught up in a relationship where one of the partners is very controlling over their other half's life in general.... well you have to wonder why they let themselves be treated that way.

I know that when you're in a relationship and it develops into a family, that is obviously your priority in life, and rightly so. But that doesn't have to be to the detriment of other parts of your life. Again, it's about balance and compromise. You can't maintain the same amount of time you used to spend with pals, or doing various other things that you could when you're single, but that doesn't mean those things should be shut out completely.

Like Harry Tuttle said though, everybody's different. So I can't assume to know how 'happy' somebody is in a relationship or marriage where they're controlled by their partner, because that might be what they like. I just know that I'd rather stay single for the rest of my life than ever be told what to do by somebody, instead of asked or bringing it up for discussion.

Yes I know people like that. I know one person who constantly criticises other people's relationships still won't let me forget that I was abused therefore my judgement is shaky on ALL men. But forgets her fianc�e had an affair that resulted in 3 children with the same woman She knew about the first baby forgave, then did the same with the 2nd & 3rd. She allows her self to be treated badly rather than take her 3 daughters and make a decent life for them. Her fianc�e is also rumoured to be having another affair at the moment.

< Message edited by Harley Quinn -- 17/1/2013 12:16:07 PM >

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(in reply to Sway)

Post #: 32

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 17/1/2013 2:43:40 PM

matty_b

Posts: 12888
Joined: 19/10/2005
From: Outpost 31 calling McMurtle.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sway

quote:

ORIGINAL: matty_b

But then if you asked him about this, he'd probably point out that he's still 'happily' married, whereas I'm seperated and alone, so maybe that makes him the big winner after all.

I'm not 100% sure if you're being slightly sarcastic here or if you genuinely feel that way,

Not sarcastic so much as being self-deprecating. Should have used a smiley.

(probably this one -

)

Personally speaking, I'm fine, but I do genuinely think he would pity my current situation over his.

< Message edited by matty_b -- 17/1/2013 2:52:24 PM >

_____________________________

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cool Breeze
Mattyb is a shining example of what the perfect Empire Forum member is.

(in reply to Sway)

Post #: 33

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 17/1/2013 4:06:31 PM

AxlReznor

Posts: 1095
Joined: 2/12/2010
From: Great Britain

This makes me glad that I married someone who has the same taste in music, mostly the same taste in movies, plays videogames and has the same friends as me. All of this stress doesn't happen that way.

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Post #: 34

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 17/1/2013 5:43:28 PM

Gimli The Dwarf

Posts: 73474
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Central Park Zoo

quote:

ORIGINAL: AxlReznor

This makes me glad that I married someone who has the same taste in music, mostly the same taste in movies, plays videogames and has the same friends as me. All of this stress doesn't happen that way.

Doesn't happen if you stay single either!

_____________________________

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Fellow scientists, poindexters, geeks.

Yeah, Mr. White! Yeah, science!

Much more better!

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Post #: 35

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 17/1/2013 5:47:02 PM

Olaf

Posts: 23364
Joined: 26/2/2007
From: 41�N 93�W

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gimli The Dwarf

quote:

ORIGINAL: AxlReznor

This makes me glad that I married someone who has the same taste in music, mostly the same taste in movies, plays videogames and has the same friends as me. All of this stress doesn't happen that way.

Doesn't happen if you stay single either!

But with less sex and more forever aloneness.

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Post #: 36

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 17/1/2013 5:49:54 PM

superdan

Posts: 7230
Joined: 31/7/2008

quote:

ORIGINAL: Olaf

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gimli The Dwarf

quote:

ORIGINAL: AxlReznor

This makes me glad that I married someone who has the same taste in music, mostly the same taste in movies, plays videogames and has the same friends as me. All of this stress doesn't happen that way.

Doesn't happen if you stay single either!

But with less sex and more forever aloneness.

Less sex than marriage? Impossible.

(in reply to Olaf)

Post #: 37

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 17/1/2013 5:50:26 PM

Gimli The Dwarf

Posts: 73474
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Central Park Zoo

And more time to oneself. Which is great.

_____________________________

So, sir, we let him have it right up! And I have to report, sir, he did not like it, sir.

Fellow scientists, poindexters, geeks.

Yeah, Mr. White! Yeah, science!

Much more better!

(in reply to Olaf)

Post #: 38

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 17/1/2013 5:53:00 PM

rawlinson

Posts: 40214
Joined: 13/6/2008
From: Timbuktu. Chinese or Fictional.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gimli The Dwarf

And more time to oneself. Which is great.

Gimli - a fan of masturbation.

_____________________________

quote:

ORIGINAL: matty_b

I would plough my way through MonsterCat

quote:

ORIGINAL: matty_b

I desire MonsterCat to go down on me.

(in reply to Gimli The Dwarf)

Post #: 39

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 17/1/2013 7:02:59 PM

DancingClown

Posts: 3586
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: The Lot

I never had any friends before I got married so my life hasn't been upheaved at all really....

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Post #: 40

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 17/1/2013 7:40:03 PM

London Calling

Posts: 93
Joined: 19/5/2009
From: Glasgow

My partner is my best mate, sometimes that just happens, they become your favourite person to spend time with. It's your most important relationship.

Nobody knows what goes on inside someone else's relationship. Maybe the guy just likes spending time with his wife and makes out it's to do with her not allowing him to do some things because he's embarrassed to admit he just likes being with her. It doesn't sound as if he'd receive a very understanding response to that if it were the case and maybe by making out it's her fault it's easier for him to handle the response.

Sometimes life just takes over, priorities change, time is at a premium and you have to spend it how you choose, not how everyone else wants you to. It's sad if friendships fall by the wayside but that's life and it sadly happens sometimes. It doesn't always mean it's the fault of an evil wife standing by the door with a rolling pin.

(in reply to DancingClown)

Post #: 41

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 17/1/2013 11:06:42 PM

AxlReznor

Posts: 1095
Joined: 2/12/2010
From: Great Britain

quote:

ORIGINAL: rawlinson

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gimli The Dwarf

And more time to oneself. Which is great.

Gimli - a fan of masturbation.

To be fair, who isn't?

_____________________________

"It's amazing how many supposed 'plot holes' turn out to now be plot holes if you'd just pay attention", Me

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Post #: 42

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 18/1/2013 10:21:34 AM

shool

Posts: 9612
Joined: 24/3/2006
From: In The Pipe, Five by Five.

I just find that friends are less important than my immediate family. Wife and children etc. And its marriage that has done that, it completely re arranges ones priorities. (At least it should do in my opinion)

I used to think having a wide social circle was important but then as I've got older I'd much rather stay in with the family than go out socialising. Sadly old mates often pay the price for that.

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Post #: 43

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 18/1/2013 11:24:03 AM

giggity

Posts: 240
Joined: 4/3/2012

If anything this has made me definitely never want to get married.

(in reply to giggity)

Post #: 44

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 18/1/2013 11:31:21 AM

DancingClown

Posts: 3586
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: The Lot

Marriage doesn't have to be some kind of death sentence. The older you get, the less you go out anyway (not everyone, I know), and your priorities change regardless of whether or not you're married. I think circumstances and age play a great part in this perception. I think it's odd to say that happiness can only be defined by volume of friends. Plenty of people get married and keep friends, some fall by the way. Everyone's situation is different.

But I certainly agree that dominating your partner's life for your own ends is unnacceptable.

< Message edited by DancingClown -- 18/1/2013 11:33:35 AM >

_____________________________

Astronomic Tune Boy

'The town knew darkness, and darkness was enough.'

"Storm just bleeewwww me away..."

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Post #: 45

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 19/1/2013 6:24:20 PM

Drone

Posts: 959
Joined: 30/9/2005

we've been together ten years and a decade and a few kids later, and a lot of compromise, if anything I'm gravitating towards my old identity again; I spend a lot of time on the PS3, probably more time than ever with my friends - in fact my social life is a lot stronger - and we get on great. We have two large living rooms in the house, and she watches her soaps and whatnot in hers, and I do my thing in the other. We watch movies together, go out, but we've both become very secure and we don't need to hang off each others' arms. I've always been a strong person, and being single has never bothered me; I LOVE my own company. I have no idea what it's like to be lonely. She is very much the same, so we're comfortable in our relationship knowing we don't have to sit in front of the telly on the sofa feigning an interest in each other's programmes to know we're happy together.

I stay out at friends' houses, go out after work, whatever I fancy and she doesn't get pissy and insecure, and vice versa. She often goes on holiday with her friends; it's fine. We had barely seen each other last week so we went out for a meal and the pictures on Saturday, and we were the couple we've always been. Having your own space is fantastic

Once you realize that relationships aren't like the movies, they're much easier to deal with. It takes work to compromise your life, but it gets easy after a while, and everything slots into place. It's strange, but it's taken a long term relationship to improve my social life and strengthen my personal interests, if anything.

However, your friend sounds utterly pussy whipped to an astounding degree

< Message edited by Drone -- 19/1/2013 6:25:47 PM >

(in reply to DancingClown)

Post #: 46

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 20/1/2013 12:26:34 AM

Brooksy84

Posts: 389
Joined: 25/1/2010

I'm not married but me and my other half have been together 5 years and have a thirteen month old daughter. She works full time, normally between 40-50 hour weeks, and I do 20 odd hours a week while looking after the baby the rest of the time. Obviously free time for us is a struggle in terms of balancing our own time with time spent with friends. Starting to worry though that, while she sees her friends reasonably regularly, I very rarely see mine any more. And I don't mean to say that she hogs all the spare time and leaves me with none, but it seems to be so hard to ever get a moment to spend with my mates any more.
I've got two groups of mates. One is half a dozen guys I went to school with who live dotted around in different areas, so it's difficult for us all to meet up. Generally speaking we only get to hook up 2 or 3 times a year, usually up in London where one of them lives, but when we do it's like we were still in sixth form. It helps that we communicate nearly every day as a group on whatsapp, usually in the form of childish insults.
The other group is two guys who I grew up with in my old village. These guys I never see. I don't know whether it's a lack of spare time or enthusiasm on all our parts, but I genuinely can't remember the last time we got together for a beer. The worst part is that we live in a two mile-odd square area, and could easily hook up at least once a week. But we don't. All of my best friends are in serious relationships (though I'm the only one with a kid), so there is no conflict between singles and non-singles. I hope it's just a part of growing up and careers and relationships taking priority, but I seriously worry that we might be drifting apart. This upsets me as I've known these guys some 17 years or so, and we've had some absolutely brilliant times over the years. It seems hard to actually even send out a message trying to organise a drink; indeed the last couple of times I tried this it was met with the usual half arsed "yeah definitely, I'll check to see when I'm free" type responses. Don't know where this leaves us and it's such a shame to think that I can go a month or so without even trading a text with two people I used to be so close with.
Well, this thread has got me morbidly reflective. Better go to bed!

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(in reply to Drone)

Post #: 47

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 21/1/2013 10:27:28 AM

Castor Troy

Posts: 7057
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Rocky's graveside

So basically, women are shit?

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Post #: 48

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 22/1/2013 9:32:50 PM

Posts: 3506
Joined: 26/9/2005
From: two counties east of home

quote:

ORIGINAL: matty_b

He didn't have a stag do because he was worried about what she would think. Even when we suggested to him that it didn't have to be anything huge, it could be just an evening down the pub and some food if it was money he was worried about, he kept on wriggling out of it. And this was a lad who, at uni, would be the first at the bar and the last one to be poured into a taxi, so it's not as if he didn't like a drink or two. And then for other weddings as the rest of us eventually got hitched, and particularly stag do's, there was always an excuse from him as to why he couldn't come.

Aw man, that's bad. When my husband was planning his stag do, the only thing I was insistent on was: no hookers. I said strippers were fine, but no hookers. It was a stag do so he was supposed to go wild, so what if there were strippers. Anyway as it happens he just went for a meal then a few drinks (so I'm told

)

Now MY hen do was amazing! I went tank driving and then for afternoon tea, I know how to party!!

_____________________________

but love is the sky and i am for you
just so long and long enough

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Post #: 49

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 22/1/2013 10:22:34 PM

matty_b

Posts: 12888
Joined: 19/10/2005
From: Outpost 31 calling McMurtle.

quote:

ORIGINAL: JV

quote:

ORIGINAL: matty_b

He didn't have a stag do because he was worried about what she would think. Even when we suggested to him that it didn't have to be anything huge, it could be just an evening down the pub and some food if it was money he was worried about, he kept on wriggling out of it. And this was a lad who, at uni, would be the first at the bar and the last one to be poured into a taxi, so it's not as if he didn't like a drink or two. And then for other weddings as the rest of us eventually got hitched, and particularly stag do's, there was always an excuse from him as to why he couldn't come.

Aw man, that's bad. When my husband was planning his stag do, the only thing I was insistent on was: no hookers. I said strippers were fine, but no hookers. It was a stag do so he was supposed to go wild, so what if there were strippers. Anyway as it happens he just went for a meal then a few drinks (so I'm told )
Now MY hen do was amazing! I went tank driving and then for afternoon tea, I know how to party!!

Yeah, they had hookers.

_____________________________

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cool Breeze
Mattyb is a shining example of what the perfect Empire Forum member is.

(in reply to JV)

Post #: 50

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 23/1/2013 9:31:09 AM

Invader_Ace

Posts: 1523
Joined: 31/7/2008

quote:

ORIGINAL: Castor Troy
So basically, women are shit?

I think actually, it's us men who are shit.
Let's be honest, we aren't as pro-active at maintaining friendships as women are we.
I think the difference is, women will have someone round for a chat or even pop round unannounced to a friend for the same.

I would never do that, and I think men feel more comfortable having an activity to base the friendship around. I mean "hey man, fancy a chat?". Really.

Also, we are lazy, so if we have a happy home, then we are happy.

(in reply to Castor Troy)

Post #: 51

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 23/1/2013 11:18:33 AM

DancingClown

Posts: 3586
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: The Lot

quote:

ORIGINAL: Invader_Ace

quote:

ORIGINAL: Castor Troy
So basically, women are shit?

I think actually, it's us men who are shit.
Let's be honest, we aren't as pro-active at maintaining friendships as women are we.
I think the difference is, women will have someone round for a chat or even pop round unannounced to a friend for the same.

I would never do that, and I think men feel more comfortable having an activity to base the friendship around.� I mean "hey man, fancy a chat?".� Really.

Also, we are lazy, so if we have a happy home, then we are happy.

Nail. Head.

_____________________________

Astronomic Tune Boy

'The town knew darkness, and darkness was enough.'

"Storm just bleeewwww me away..."

(in reply to Invader_Ace)

Post #: 52

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 23/1/2013 11:57:31 AM

Harley Quinn

Posts: 5768
Joined: 23/1/2008
From: Arkham

quote:

ORIGINAL: Invader_Ace

quote:

ORIGINAL: Castor Troy
So basically, women are shit?

I think actually, it's us men who are shit.
Let's be honest, we aren't as pro-active at maintaining friendships as women are we.
I think the difference is, women will have someone round for a chat or even pop round unannounced to a friend for the same.

I would never do that, and I think men feel more comfortable having an activity to base the friendship around.� I mean "hey man, fancy a chat?".� Really.

Also, we are lazy, so if we have a happy home, then we are happy.

This,so much this. I text, Facebook, Tweet, call etc my friends on a regular basis Mr HQ will go months without talking to his friends. I have just persuaded him to reopen his FB page so he can talk to his friends and family and if he get's a text when we're together I make him reply then rather than his famous I'll do it later then not doing it all.

I've had to talk him into agreeing to going to a weekend away in October with his old group of friends.

_____________________________

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."

Owner of the Naughty Milkmaid.

(in reply to Invader_Ace)

Post #: 53

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 23/1/2013 12:16:46 PM

jcthefirst

Posts: 4079
Joined: 6/10/2005
From: Bangor

quote:

ORIGINAL: JV

quote:

ORIGINAL: matty_b

He didn't have a stag do because he was worried about what she would think. Even when we suggested to him that it didn't have to be anything huge, it could be just an evening down the pub and some food if it was money he was worried about, he kept on wriggling out of it. And this was a lad who, at uni, would be the first at the bar and the last one to be poured into a taxi, so it's not as if he didn't like a drink or two. And then for other weddings as the rest of us eventually got hitched, and particularly stag do's, there was always an excuse from him as to why he couldn't come.

Aw man, that's bad. When my husband was planning his stag do, the only thing I was insistent on was: no hookers. I said strippers were fine, but no hookers. It was a stag do so he was supposed to go wild, so what if there were strippers. Anyway as it happens he just went for a meal then a few drinks (so I'm told )

I didn't have strippers at mine. Not because my missus veto'ed them or anything, but because my friends were too pussy to organise them.

We had loads of hookers though.

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Post #: 54

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 23/1/2013 12:52:03 PM

steffols

Posts: 7620
Joined: 3/10/2005
From: Jungleland

At the same time though, you have to be comfortable in your friendship. My best friend and I are still very close even after I moved down south two years ago. We meet up about two or three times a year, and we speak on the phone about once a week. But we are comfortable with each other knowing that if we don't speak for more than a week, that doesn't mean the friendship is over, it just means that we are too busy to find time to chat and we will catch up at one point. I think if either one of us was paranoid about how much/little we speak to each other, our friendship wouldn't be as strong as it is.

You need to give each other space as friends and appreciate that they have other things going on in their lives than spending all their free time with you.

_____________________________

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Post #: 55

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 24/1/2013 10:31:57 PM

The2ndRing

Posts: 3950
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: rehab

Reading this, it all sounds a bit one-sided to me. You have decided that he has married too early, and are almost wishing un-happiness upon him. For those that don't know I have had some pretty major problems with depression and anxiety, which have led to me making unreasonable demands on my husband (driving me to a meeting in London during rush hour because I can't bear to take the train). If I told you that I was feeling a bit off so I demanded my husband drive me to a meeting, it would sound quite similar to your story, but if you were appraised of the full details then maybe you would be a bit more sympathetic. I don't want this to sound like I am attacking you, but maybe if you were a bit more positive about your friend's marriage, you would get a bit more detail from him, and have a better understanding. I'm not really sure I've made my point very well, so sorry if it isn't clear!

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Fuck all."

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Post #: 56

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 10/2/2013 3:52:43 PM

Cloud Cuckoo

Posts: 394
Joined: 7/2/2013
From: Mind your own

quote:

ORIGINAL: horribleives

It's not a normal relationship when you can only watch a game of football if your wife 'lets' you.

Agreed. Your friend sounds sweet and he clearly wants to make his wife happy, but he needs to find his bollocks and stand up to her NOW, before it's too late. Otherwise when they are older, and her shine has worn off, and she is still getting her own way all the time, there's going to be a whole lot of resentment there. And, being Christians, he will not want to divorce. Pardon the hyperbole, but he is setting himself up for a life of enslavement.

As others have said, a healthy relationship involves give and take. It also involves spending some time with others, unless you want to go insane. Spending all your time with your wife, doing what you're told, is not healthy. That is not a husband, that is a serf.

Unfortunately there's little you can do except hope that he comes to realise this himself.

_____________________________

In Thom we trust.

(in reply to horribleives)

Post #: 57