Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone?

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Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 14/1/2013 10:21:07 PM

giggity

Posts: 246
Joined: 4/3/2012

So one of my best friends got married back in September. While I thought it was a bit early for this kind of thing (he's 24) I figured it was okay for him seeing as he was never the guy to go out every single night and get drunk and he was also christian so I thought it was normal for it to happen that early and I was happy for the guy.
The year before he got married I kept on trying to hang out with him but every time I did he said he was doing stuff with her, I figured that they're probably planning stuff for the wedding and they had a lot to do so while I was annoyed that I couldn't hang out with him I let it go.
Now after he's married I came down to london from uni for a weekend in October, so we could go see Skyfall together as he's a massive Bond fan. The showing we planned to see had sold out so i said we will get tickets for the next showing, which finished just as the last trains were running, I told him not to worry and if he did miss the train he could either crash at mine or i would pay for a taxi for him to get back home. I just wanted to hang out with him cos i hadnt seen him for so long. He ended up leaving the cinema 10 minutes before the film finished. The huge climax to everything we've enjoyed for the past 2 hours or so and he leaves, he said it was because his wife wasn't feeling too good which is why she couldn't come but it was about 1am and she would have been asleep anyway. What could he have done? I was then talking to my brother afterwards who said that my mate told him he wasnt even gonna come originally when he found out his wife was ill (think it was just a stomach bug)

Then i went back to uni for a few weeks then came back to london and while i was having a meal with some friends he joined us for an hour afterwards. I asked him how he was doing and stuff and then I asked him about our usual past times like film and games, I asked him about cinema and he says that he doesn't go anymore, He gets home from work and then his wife usually wants to see him and she doesnt want to go and see the films he likes so he never goes. I asked him if he would maybe end up downloading and he said that his wife wouldn't let him. I asked about tv shows, he said he didn't get the time again for the same reasons and I said I could give him some tv shows because it's not him downloading them and it's me who's doing it and giving it to him. Then I asked about computer games and he said his wife wouldnt let him have an X-Box because she doesn't want him zoning out and playing on it all night while she has nothing to do. Then said "I guess I just need to grow up"
I got a bit perplexed and asked him "Mate...what do you do when you're not at work?" he actually had to take a minute to consider and said 'i dont know really' then said they both go church on sunday, they sometimes have people over for dinner, he said he likes sport and likes to watch nfl on sundays and hopefully the west ham game if his wife lets him.
Lastly we're all pretty big lovers of christmas so i was excited and asked him what he was doing and he said he was going to the wife's family for all of christmas. I asked him if that was cool with him seeing as he wouldnt be seeing his family and he sort of didn't answer. Then I asked dont his family mind? And he said he didn't think so.

the rest of the night we talked on and off inbetween talking to our other friends and i felt mean thinking this but I think this best mate has become boring and maybe slightly pussy whipped. Is it wrong for me to think that?

At his wedding, even though I was happy for him I kept reminding the both of them not to let marriage make them 'grow up' or become boring in a joking way but i was secretly worried it might happen and now I think it may have actually happened.

So, yeah is it wrong I thought that? Has this happened to anyone else?

< Message edited by giggity -- 14/1/2013 10:25:26 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 14/1/2013 10:30:39 PM

superdan

Posts: 7335
Joined: 31/7/2008

(in reply to giggity)

Post #: 2

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 14/1/2013 10:33:17 PM

giggity

Posts: 246
Joined: 4/3/2012

oh dear...

(in reply to superdan)

Post #: 3

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 14/1/2013 10:47:18 PM

tommyjarvis

Posts: 6618
Joined: 2/11/2005
From: Caught somewhere in time

Is she hot?

If so, start an affair with her and cause a divorce. It's for his own good in the long term.

Family does come first but a decent mate will still make time for his friends. This guy ought to do more of that or his pals end up deserting him.

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RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 15/1/2013 2:37:01 AM

Darth Marenghi

Posts: 2977
Joined: 10/10/2010
From: Manchester

quote:

ORIGINAL: giggity

Lastly we're all pretty big lovers of christmas so i was excited and asked him what he was doing and he said he was going to the wife's family for all of christmas. I asked him if that was cool with him seeing as he wouldnt be seeing his family and he sort of didn't answer. Then I asked dont his family mind? And he said he didn't think so.

Sounds like this dude traded in his backbone for a wife, to be honest...

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RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 15/1/2013 4:42:37 AM

Goodfella

Posts: 15471
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: North Devon

Does he give these answers to you about his life in the same monotone as you write them in? If he does it actually sounds like he's quite fed up with his life really, but like Darth says he's traded it all in for a wife, given that he's obviously a religion devotee he may be feeling the pressure to keep his marriage pleasant and comfortable to the outside (please don't think I'm casting any aspersions over any religions then, it's just you mention it and his age in the opening post which suggests it has a distinct presence in their life). I have some personal experience with this of late and I understand your feelings and frustrations but unfortunately there's not a lot you can do or you can take the approach I did and throw caution to the wind and say what you think, my friendship improved although not wholly but they aren't married so it could potentially be different as some may hide behind the statement "but they're my wife/husband" which is a futile as that really is tends to end up holding more weight.

Tommy is right, family do come first but so do friends, there doesn't need to be priority, as long as he treats everyone who is there for him and loves and cares about him right (which is perfectly easy if you put your mind too it and there may even be a few rows along the way, on both sides of the fence) then he'll have the foundations for a good life, as much of a cliche as that may sound. Sounds to me like he thinks he's going about it the right way, only he will find out further down the road that it was anything but and losing your friends for your partner actually tends to end up having a detrimental effect on your relationship with your partner.

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RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 15/1/2013 9:10:24 AM

Chief

Posts: 7140
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Banshee

Does your mate have any access to firearms? Because he is going to crack one day....

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Post #: 7

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 15/1/2013 9:43:12 AM

sharkboy

Posts: 6053
Joined: 26/9/2005
From: Belfast

Marriage inevitably means compromise, a bit of give and take. This one sounds like he gives, she takes.

That doesn't necessarily mean he's not very happy. He just might be having difficulty adjusting

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Post #: 8

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 15/1/2013 10:07:09 AM

elab49

Posts: 52031
Joined: 1/10/2005

MMmm - I think I may go with Superdan with this one.

I mean, it could have turned into an immediate nightmare where he's trapped and told what to do (as he explained to all of his mates on a night out?

) or it could be a case of another group of male mates who don't quite get that people grow up, move on and develop other relationships and maybe the old relationship really isn't as important anymore. People can have difficulties handling letting go of a mate who doesn't prioritise nights out with them any more to a new family, and then they start using terms like emasculation (for males) or controlling boyfriends (for females) to describe the fact they're pissed off and jealous.

Could be the religious bit too? Certainly when we were younger the parents of one of my friends (from a very religious family) didn't anticipate she'd have much time for friends after she got married and, definitely, no male friends at all (to the extent a lot of lies were told because she had the difficult balance between the fact her parents were being ridiculous and not actually wanting to upset them).

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RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 15/1/2013 10:35:51 AM

paulyboy

Posts: 2287
Joined: 30/9/2005

quote:

ORIGINAL: giggity

Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone?

It's normal for blokes who are getting some!

Seriously though, it's the age old mate not doing stuff anymore conundrum, it's happened with a lot of people I've known over the years, sometimes just weeks into a new relationship.

It's not always because "she won't let me" either, I've seen friends really retreat into their shell for fear of ever rocking the boat, even though their other half was laid back in the extreme. People deal with relationships in different ways.

I think it happens to everyone to a ceratin extent. I've definitely dialled back some of what I used to do in the past for a relationship, simply because getting lashed 3 times a week, living in the cinema and playing computer games in my sleep wasn't going to win me boyfriend of the year, but I'd like to think I still make time for my myself and my mates when it matters.

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RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 15/1/2013 11:24:16 AM

steffols

Posts: 7639
Joined: 3/10/2005
From: Jungleland

My other half has a similar situation with his best friend which is a bit complicated.

So, my other half and I have been together for 3 years and his best friend got married 3 years ago but has been with his wife for about 13 years I think. A few months ago, my other half and I were having some difficulties due to our work rota and never seeming to have time together. Whenever I was rotaed in to work, he was off and vica versa. Due to this situation, we found it harder to make time for friends due to the fact that whenever we did get some precious time together, we wanted to spend it alone and together and not in the company of friends.

His best friend has always tried to maintain this 'single lads' persona even though he's married. He likes going out with the lads and he likes to get drunk. Fair enough. But when my other half was saying no to his invitations out, he started calling him pussy-whipped and started accusing me of having him under my thumb. Me and his best friend have always got on well, so these accusations hurt me. He knew fine well that we were having issues with work. He was quite hypocritical as well. One night when my other half did go out with his mates, his best friend didn't go, and then when he found out that he had come home early to spend the night in with me, he started calling him these names again!

Its died off a bit now but the man is such a hypcrite. He spends nights in with his wife when he wants and no one is allowed to say anything (as no one should!) but the minute we want to spend some time together, he is unhappy.

It's a difficult situation but it could just be that he loves his wife and wants to make her happy. If what you say about the X-box and cinema is true, that sounds a bit controlling, but just because he is married to her, doesn't mean she can control what he does and does not do. But you need to understand that like me, they may not have as much time together as you think, and want to spend that time together alone rather than out with friends. He is married now and she will always come first, which is the way it should be. If he doesn't want to go out, you should respect that and not immediately jump to conclusions of her controlling him as you don't know the ins and outs of the relationship.

< Message edited by steffols -- 15/1/2013 11:28:43 AM >

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RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 15/1/2013 12:20:59 PM

Alistair81

Posts: 337
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: London

Edit: Sorry this was a reply to the OP not Steff (who I notice has said much the same thing and probably clearer - why do I bother

)

I think once you are married the wife/husband should come first in all things. While time does still need to be made for friends and a balance needs to be struck (hopefully it will improve for you) but at the end of the day the partner comes first. You are a team in all things and I guess priorities change.

With couples often being together for a long time people don't really expect things to change once they are married, but they do. I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 10 years and we are getting married in April. While we are somewhat unusual in that we haven't lived together before now we are also obviously going to be merging a lot of aspects of our life: bank accounts etc. As a result I have to admit I have never felt more like it is us against the world (in a good way!) than I do now. In other words we are becoming even more of "us" rather than "a me and a her" than ever and that does change your priorities. Previously I would have happily gone out while she was ill (and she would never ask me to stay in), but now I'm not so sure I would especially once we are living together.

Finally I had a friend who was similar to yours as you describe him and we used to assume that his wife was the one that was causing him to stay in etc. (and he didn't particularly correct this notion) but eventually we realised that she was pretty relaxed about these things and it was usually his decision which being his friend you somewhat just have to accept) You'll be pleased to hear that he is much better now so hopefully with time things will improve for you.

< Message edited by Alistair81 -- 15/1/2013 12:23:51 PM >

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RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 15/1/2013 12:40:47 PM

jcthefirst

Posts: 4113
Joined: 6/10/2005
From: Bangor

My friends often made fun of the fact that my missus stopped me from going out as often (She didn't btw, my mortgage does), but when they do I just remind them I'm married and they're single. Bit mean, but it shuts them up.

But as Sharky says, compromise is the key word. And she doesn't sound very open to compromise.

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RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 15/1/2013 12:48:16 PM

Chief

Posts: 7140
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Banshee

quote:

ORIGINAL: steffols
He is married now and she will always come first

I'm sure he tries his best.

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Post #: 14

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 15/1/2013 12:51:50 PM

jcthefirst

Posts: 4113
Joined: 6/10/2005
From: Bangor

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chief

quote:

ORIGINAL: steffols
He is married now and she will always come first

I'm sure he tries his best.

Hi-oooooooooooo!

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RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 15/1/2013 1:19:25 PM

horribleives

Posts: 4251
Joined: 12/6/2009
From: The North

It's not a normal relationship when you can only watch a game of football if your wife 'lets' you.

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RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 15/1/2013 1:22:54 PM

homersimpson_esq

Posts: 19969
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chief

quote:

ORIGINAL: steffols
He is married now and she will always come first

I'm sure he tries his best.

Ahh, you got there first!

As it were.

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RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 15/1/2013 1:41:58 PM

steffols

Posts: 7639
Joined: 3/10/2005
From: Jungleland

*eye-roll*

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Post #: 18

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 15/1/2013 1:50:49 PM

Harry Tuttle

Posts: 7619
Joined: 12/11/2005
From: Sometime in the future.

quote:

ORIGINAL: horribleives

It's not a normal relationship when you can only watch a game of football if your wife 'lets' you.

Indeed. You have to wait till you have kids and then lose total control of the telly before that kind of shit happens (thank fuck for Sky+).

I've been with my wife for 14 years and married for 8 and a half of them and I've personally never had any problems making time for my friends (unless I'm skint). There are a few of my friends that my wife hates with a passion but she wouldn't dare try and stop me seeing them (there's no point, it would make zero difference) any more than I try and stop her seeing a couple of her friends that I despise. Ther's got to be a bit of give and take in my opinion. I spend most of the week with my wife, we live together, sleep together, eat together and pretty much wake up together so we're both happy to get shot of each other every now and again, it's just a case of not taking the piss.

It differs from person to person though. Some people are happy being with a dominant partner (my brother in law seems to love it as does one of my mates, who I very rarely see anymore) and that's fair enough. I had a discussion with my wife early in our relationship where I set my boundaries, so to speak, when it came to how much she could expect to control my life. Controlling who my friends are was a no no (and vice versa) but then again you obviously spend less time with them than you used to because you're no longer single, this is just the way of things. I tend to spend Friday nights with friends and probably the odd occasional week night or sometimes a Sunday evening. It used to be more but my social arrangements have changed considerably this year (see Resolutions thread). To be honest it probably helped my case that my closest friend lives less than 100 metres away and that my wife is usually out cold in bed by about 10pm so it was no problem for me to go over to his house most nights.

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RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 16/1/2013 11:48:42 AM

Harley Quinn

Posts: 5770
Joined: 23/1/2008
From: Arkham

quote:

ORIGINAL: giggity

So one of my best friends got married back in September. While I thought it was a bit early for this kind of thing (he's 24) I figured it was okay for him seeing as he was never the guy to go out every single night and get drunk and he was also christian so I thought it was normal for it to happen that early and I was happy for the guy.
The year before he got married I kept on trying to hang out with him but every time I did he said he was doing stuff with her, I figured that they're probably planning stuff for the wedding and they had a lot to do so while I was annoyed that I couldn't hang out with him I let it go.
Now after he's married I came down to london from uni for a weekend in October, so we could go see Skyfall together as he's a massive Bond fan. The showing we planned to see had sold out so i said we will get tickets for the next showing, which finished just as the last trains were running, I told him not to worry and if he did miss the train he could either crash at mine or i would pay for a taxi for him to get back home. I just wanted to hang out with him cos i hadnt seen him for so long. He ended up leaving the cinema 10 minutes before the film finished. The huge climax to everything we've enjoyed for the past 2 hours or so and he leaves, he said it was because his wife wasn't feeling too good which is why she couldn't come but it was about 1am and she would have been asleep anyway. What could he have done? I was then talking to my brother afterwards who said that my mate told him he wasnt even gonna come originally when he found out his wife was ill (think it was just a stomach bug)

Then i went back to uni for a few weeks then came back to london and while i was having a meal with some friends he joined us for an hour afterwards. I asked him how he was doing and stuff and then I asked him about our usual past times like film and games, I asked him about cinema and he says that he doesn't go anymore, He gets home from work and then his wife usually wants to see him and she doesnt want to go and see the films he likes so he never goes. I asked him if he would maybe end up downloading and he said that his wife wouldn't let him. I asked about tv shows, he said he didn't get the time again for the same reasons and I said I could give him some tv shows because it's not him downloading them and it's me who's doing it and giving it to him. Then I asked about computer games and he said his wife wouldnt let him have an X-Box because she doesn't want him zoning out and playing on it all night while she has nothing to do. Then said "I guess I just need to grow up"
I got a bit perplexed and asked him "Mate...what do you do when you're not at work?" he actually had to take a minute to consider and said 'i dont know really' then said they both go church on sunday, they sometimes have people over for dinner, he said he likes sport and likes to watch nfl on sundays and hopefully the west ham game if his wife lets him.
Lastly we're all pretty big lovers of christmas so i was excited and asked him what he was doing and he said he was going to the wife's family for all of christmas. I asked him if that was cool with him seeing as he wouldnt be seeing his family and he sort of didn't answer. Then I asked dont his family mind? And he said he didn't think so.

the rest of the night we talked on and off inbetween talking to our other friends and i felt mean thinking this but I think this best mate has become boring and maybe slightly pussy whipped. Is it wrong for me to think that?

At his wedding, even though I was happy for him I kept reminding the both of them not to let marriage make them 'grow up' or become boring in a joking way but i was secretly worried it might happen and now I think it may have actually happened.

So, yeah is it wrong I thought that? Has this happened to anyone else?

The bit's in bold make me scratch my head. As people in the thread of said there should be some sort of compromise. I dislike horror films with a passion. Mr HQ adores them. Would I prevent him watching them? No. I ask him to watch them when I' not home or gone to bed. If he does want to watch one at another time of day i.e he likes watching them when his ill I take the laptop into the bedroom or find something else to do.

Same with him and his X-box do I ask him not to play it all weekend when there are chores and errands to be done. Yes. Do I mind him having a mammoth session on it during a lazy weekend or after work. Not really no again I find something else to do or play with him.

It's not my other half's job to entertain me which it sounds like with the whole she'd have nothing to do comment.

I agree with Stef that we don't know the in's and out's of their relationship and it may be they just like being together.

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Post #: 20

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 16/1/2013 11:57:35 AM

Chief

Posts: 7140
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Banshee

quote:

ORIGINAL: Harley Quinn

Same with him and his X-box do I ask him not to play it all weekend when there are chores and errands to be done. Yes. Do I mind him having a mammoth session on it during a lazy weekend or after work. Not really no again I find something else to do or play with him.

I'm really fighting an urge here.....

(in reply to Harley Quinn)

Post #: 21

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 16/1/2013 12:01:51 PM

sanchia

Posts: 16902
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Norwich

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chief

I'm really fighting an urge here.....

Put the sheep down and back away slowly.

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Post #: 22

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 16/1/2013 1:39:33 PM

Harley Quinn

Posts: 5770
Joined: 23/1/2008
From: Arkham

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chief

quote:

ORIGINAL: Harley Quinn

Same with him and his X-box do I ask him not to play it all weekend when there are chores and errands to be done. Yes. Do I mind him having a mammoth session on it during a lazy weekend or after work. Not really no again I find something else to do or play with him.

I'm really fighting an urge here.....

Perv

_____________________________

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Owner of the Naughty Milkmaid.

(in reply to Chief)

Post #: 23

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 16/1/2013 1:49:36 PM

sharkboy

Posts: 6053
Joined: 26/9/2005
From: Belfast

quote:

ORIGINAL: Harley Quinn

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chief

quote:

ORIGINAL: Harley Quinn

Same with him and his X-box do I ask him not to play it all weekend when there are chores and errands to be done. Yes. Do I mind him having a mammoth session on it during a lazy weekend or after work. Not really no again I find something else to do or play with him.

I'm really fighting an urge here.....

Perv

Kettle? I think the pot wants a word with you!

Anyway, linking neatly back on topic. The couple in question are good-living Christian folk, relatively young and probably dating for a while before they got hitched. Isn't there just a small chance that now that your pal has savoured the delights of the marital bed, he'd rather partake of sex with his wife than a pint at the local with his mate?

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Post #: 24

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 16/1/2013 1:50:53 PM

jcthefirst

Posts: 4113
Joined: 6/10/2005
From: Bangor

Sex with a girl?

That is so gay.

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Post #: 25

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 16/1/2013 2:00:18 PM

great_badir

Posts: 4206
Joined: 6/10/2005
From: A breaking rope bridge in the middle of the jungle

It's naiive for anyone to think that a couple who have got married, or have just begun a long term serious relationship, will maintain the same social aspects of their former lives. Even those couples who give each other the longest leashes will still see some impact on their socialising, whether it's because of a different money situation, more (or less, depending on how you look at it) give and take where the respective social elements of each individual also join so the couple go to things together more often than they do separately, more family responsibilities, or if they just enjoy each other's company.

I can't think of a single person I know who has got married or co-habited and has remained the same person with the same social calendar as when they were single.

Granted, the example given by the OP does seem to be a tad more extreme, but alas, whether we like it or not, relationships change people. Marriage even more so.

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(in reply to jcthefirst)

Post #: 26

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 16/1/2013 10:23:13 PM

Posts: 3506
Joined: 26/9/2005
From: two counties east of home

I have been married for 4 months and to be honest I am guilty of similar behaviour!! I love my friends but so often I just want to be with my husband. When I do make the effort to go out with my friends I really love it but it's just making the effort that is a problem. I am guessing the longer I am married, the more my desire to be with my husband morning, noon and night will diminish.

To be fair, my situation is compounded by the fact that when I moved in with my husband nearly 2 years ago, I moved 20 miles from where I was living and I can't drive so meeting up with my friends is muuuuch more difficult logistically as where I live is quasi-rural and it just takes ages to get anywhere by bus.

Anyway, your friend sounds like he is married to a bossy boots, either that or he just wants you to think his wife won't let him out because he's too cowardly to tell you he'd rather spend time with her. With my husband, I actively encourage him to go out with his friends because he doesn't see them very much. I would never forbid him from going out, but to be honest we plan most things weeks in advance so it's rare that anything comes up at the last minute - when it does, we talk about it.

The one thing I will say though is that it is unbelievable how much things change when you "settle down". Before I started seeing my now-husband I was a very independent single woman, always going to the cinema and seeing friends. Now I hardly ever go to the cinema (I average about 4 or 5 times a year - previously it was about once a week) and it's not that I don't want to go, it's just that my priorities have changed and I would prefer to be with my husband than in the cinema 9 times out of 10. Everything changes, not in a bad way, it just changes, and I wouldn't change it back for the world.

< Message edited by JV -- 16/1/2013 10:24:44 PM >

_____________________________

but love is the sky and i am for you
just so long and long enough

(in reply to great_badir)

Post #: 27

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 16/1/2013 10:29:42 PM

Posts: 3506
Joined: 26/9/2005
From: two counties east of home

Oh and another thing.... Whenever any of my friends invites me out, I always check with my husband, and he with me. It doesn't mean I'm under his thumb, just that we are committed to each other, we respect each other, and it's not asking his permission, it's just running it past him because his opinion and preferences matter. He would never forbid me from going somewhere but he might say, "oh I was thinking we could go for a meal that night" or maybe we've not seen much of each other and he wants to spend time with me.

_____________________________

but love is the sky and i am for you
just so long and long enough

(in reply to JV)

Post #: 28

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 16/1/2013 11:08:52 PM

Sway

Posts: 8914
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Albuquerque

quote:

ORIGINAL: Harry Tuttle

I've been with my wife for 14 years and married for 8 and a half of them and I've personally never had any problems making time for my friends (unless I'm skint). There are a few of my friends that my wife hates with a passion but she wouldn't dare try and stop me seeing them (there's no point, it would make zero difference)

Controlling who my friends are�was a no no (and vice versa)�but then again you obviously spend less time with them than you used to because you're no longer single, this is just the way of things. I tend to spend Friday nights with friends and probably the odd occasional week night�or sometimes a Sunday evening.

I love you for your post, and for the parts I've quoted above in particular. It's certainly about balance, and you're right, it does differ from person to person, but I totally respect those who manage to maintain a decent balance, rather than dropping their friends like flies simply because they're in a relationship. I respect you even more so because you're willing to put your foot down on the matter especially with regards to who you remain friends with.

I shared a flat in my 2nd year at Uni with a girl who was a close friend. Until she started seeing someone. He gradually moved in, bit by bit (you know the ones...), and she had absolutely NO time for me when she was with this guy, despite the fact I was living there. I was treated like a second rate citizen in a flat I was paying rent for and he wasn't! Anyway, she was completely controlling of him. She hated the fact me and him got along (we actually had mutual friends - I knew all the guys in the flat he was supposed to be living in), and if we even so much as shared a joke whilst watching tv in the sitting room, she'd force him to leave the room and go elsewhere with her. She made him take dozens of days off uni to stay at home with her because she was 'ill'. (She was always ill.) She made them leave nights out early, she got angry when he would return home from work and pour himself a bowl of cereal, demanding, 'eh, where's my tea?' despite the fact she'd been sitting on her lazy fat arse all day, and she shouted at him once for not being there to pick her up from her work. Even though she'd been let away early and there's no way he could have predicted that. Fast forward half a year later and they split up - and he was forced to move back home and re-do his second year at Uni because she'd made him miss so much.

I know, I know - he isn't blame free here. He didn't have to cater to her every whim, but he couldn't see it from the outside what a controlling cow she was. I watched the whole thing at close quarters for about a year, and it was so incredibly unhealthy, and really made me come to despise those kind of people who don't let their other half have their own lives.

My own bestfriend has always been involved with a bloke since we've been besties (and by that, I don't mean she's a slut, she's had a few long term relationships) and she always has time to hang out with me, or go on nights out, and I'm always grateful to have such a loyal and independent friend who finds the time to balance out her relationship with her friendships.

_____________________________

"I am not in danger, Skyler. I AM the danger! A guy opens his door and gets shot and you think that of me? No. I am the one who knocks!"

(in reply to Harry Tuttle)

Post #: 29

RE: Is this normal for marriage to do this to someone? - 17/1/2013 9:52:12 AM

matty_b

Posts: 13132
Joined: 19/10/2005
From: Outpost 31 calling McMurtle.

Personally, I'm more intrigued by Harry's guarantee of this...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Harry Tuttle
my wife is usually out cold in bed by about 10pm

Anyway, I'm sure we've all had friends like that. I had an old flatmate from uni who turned out exactly the same. Got himself a girlfriend, who later became his wife and he completely let himself get under the thumb. And this isn't a jealous mate speaking, I'd like to think that me and all my other friends are generally quite level-headed about relationships and realise that a bit of give and take comes with it, but he went to ridiculous lengths.

He didn't have a stag do because he was worried about what she would think. Even when we suggested to him that it didn't have to be anything huge, it could be just an evening down the pub and some food if it was money he was worried about, he kept on wriggling out of it. And this was a lad who, at uni, would be the first at the bar and the last one to be poured into a taxi, so it's not as if he didn't like a drink or two. And then for other weddings as the rest of us eventually got hitched, and particularly stag do's, there was always an excuse from him as to why he couldn't come. Even just having a barbecue in the summer or a night out somewhere got an excuse from him. And it's not as if we were badgering him every weekend. He lived about 90 minutes away, so anything he was invited to was organised well in advance and happened once, twice a year at most, so the argument that he wanted to spend time with his wife didn't really hold up that well, as he did nothing but spend time with her. And the end result of it all is that we've stopped bothering inviting him anywhere, which is very sad. He's also got a little snippy about it (when photos of various get togethers have been put up, he's commented things like "Looks like it was a fun night."), but I'm at the point where I think he's made his own bed. He's done things like tell people he's coming to their wedding (along with his wife) only to find an excuse one or two days beforehand - which, when you've probably already spent something like �60 on food for the pair of them, is more than a little irritating. And this is a constant thing from him.

Now, is this his fault or hers? A little of both, I think. He seems terrified of telling her that he'd like a little independence, but she's a nightmare. At my wedding, one of my ushers did a reading as well as the chief bridesmaid so they walked up together to do it. My mate's wife turned to the usher's wife and whispered. "Are you not jealous?" "Eh? About what?" "Well, he's up there with another woman." And she wasn't joking.

Then later, for the evening reception, I'd invited all my old flatmates from university, which included a girl who had dated this friend of mine for about six months. So nothing majorly serious, and six years ago. But as soon as his wife saw that this girl was there, she dragged my mate to the furthest point of the room away from everyone else, from the buffet, from the dancefloor, from the bar and literally made him sit in the corner for the next three hours before making him leave early because she claimed she had a headache.

In that case, I almost feel sorry for them both - him for just having to put up with her, and her for obviously having issues - but then they've messed people around so much, I don't really care anymore.

But then if you asked him about this, he'd probably point out that he's still 'happily' married, whereas I'm seperated and alone, so maybe that makes him the big winner after all.

It is a give and take situation, though. For example, me and three friends went out for my birthday last week, but two of them didn't drink and drove back home because one of their wives was ill and the other has a two-year-old sleeping in her bed for the first time, so wanted to be back in case she was falling out or getting up in the middle of the night. And that's fine, because there are other times when they would either stay out all night, or come back to mine if that's what I wanted.

I'm lucky enough to have never been put in this situation - the nearest was an ex girlfriend who got in a proper mood with me once because we going somewhere by train and I got a paper to read on the way instead of talking to her throughout the journey. But she was mental. MENTAL. - and at times, the ex-wife would actually get annoyed that I wasn't spending enough time with my friends. It was mainly because at the time I was the only earner so couldn't justify the expense, but she never put any pressure on me to not see my mates.

In retrospect, that might have been a sign.