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Crazy shit my parents say

 
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Crazy shit my parents say - 20/12/2012 8:48:29 PM   
JV


Posts: 3511
Joined: 26/9/2005
From: two counties east of home
I am SURE there has been a thread like this before but I cannot for the life of me find it.

Anyway, lately my mum has come out with some gems.

My mum has always thought my sister is gay, mostly cos she's always been a tomboy. My sister is straight, but that's by the by.

Mum: Well, I think with her it'll be a civil ceremony, if you know what I mean.
Me: Mum, me & Mr JV had a civil ceremony...
Mum: You know, one of those same-sex thingies....
Me: You mean a civil partnership?!
Mum: Yeah, it's just, she seems to prefer the company of women.
Me: What do you mean?
Mum: You know, all her close friends are female.
Me: All my close friends are female and I'm married....

Curiously, my mum didn't mention the fact my sister plays football, and half her teammates are gay.....

Bless.

_____________________________

but love is the sky and i am for you
just so long and long enough

Post #: 1
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 20/12/2012 9:57:36 PM   
vad3r


Posts: 4403
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: Close to Mod HQ
If you don't lose it by 30, you can bang one of us.

_____________________________

Single Virgin Mod Candidate 2013


quote:

ORIGINAL: horribleives
To paraphrase the great man himself:

Vad3r won't go anywhere near this.

(in reply to JV)
Post #: 2
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 21/12/2012 11:58:52 PM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 12120
Joined: 30/9/2005
"Don't have children, they'll ruin your life and hold you back."

Thanks Dad

(in reply to vad3r)
Post #: 3
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 22/12/2012 12:57:58 AM   
benny the jet


Posts: 2418
Joined: 27/8/2008
From: Over there
Daniella Westbrook came on tv

My dad "that's her that took a drug that made her nose fall off. Why would you take a drug that makes your nose fall off?"

Then he said that i must be on drugs too to find that funny

_____________________________

That means we only have thirty minutes to get you up that tree

I fucking love tea. Its my favourite drink after coffee and alcohol

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Post #: 4
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 23/12/2012 8:43:24 AM   
Funkyrae


Posts: 20358
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Just stick a pin in a map
My ex mother in law:

Her: "It's more important for a girl to learn how to cook than it is for her to learn how to read."

Me: "and how do you expect her to read the recipe book?"

Her: "..."

_____________________________

That's me that is!


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Post #: 5
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 23/12/2012 10:03:09 AM   
sanchia


Posts: 18000
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Norwich

quote:

ORIGINAL: Funkyrae

My ex mother in law:

Her: "It's more important for a girl to learn how to cook than it is for her to learn how to read."

Me: "and how do you expect her to read the recipe book?"

Her: "..."



_____________________________

Nothing to see here.



(in reply to Funkyrae)
Post #: 6
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 23/12/2012 1:26:45 PM   
horribleives

 

Posts: 4976
Joined: 12/6/2009
From: The North
My mam thinks Mo Farrah is the spitting image of Marlon out of Emmerdale.

_____________________________

www.hollywoodunbound.co.uk - some nonsense about alien film directors and musclebound man-children.

(in reply to sanchia)
Post #: 7
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 23/12/2012 1:41:57 PM   
matty_b


Posts: 14445
Joined: 19/10/2005
From: Outpost 31 calling McMurtle.
I went to see Alien: the director's cut when it was released a few years ago and told my dad about it.

Him: "Did you ever go and see the original when that was out?"

Me: "Um...no. It came out the year before I was born. Do you actually know how old I am?"

_____________________________

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cool Breeze
Mattyb is a shining example of what the perfect Empire Forum member is.


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Post #: 8
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 25/12/2012 2:37:03 AM   
benny the jet


Posts: 2418
Joined: 27/8/2008
From: Over there
quote:

ORIGINAL: horribleives

My mam thinks Mo Farrah is the spitting image of Marlon out of Emmerdale.




_____________________________

That means we only have thirty minutes to get you up that tree

I fucking love tea. Its my favourite drink after coffee and alcohol

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=585511933

(in reply to horribleives)
Post #: 9
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 30/12/2012 2:26:20 PM   
JV


Posts: 3511
Joined: 26/9/2005
From: two counties east of home
Me + my husband recently came back from our honeymoon in Thailand, and I was talking to my mum about how we'd been thinking a lot about the 2004 tsunami since we'd been to some of the areas that were affected.

Mum: Yes, they made that film about it.
Me: (thinking they've only just finished making The Impossible, how can my mum possibly know this?) Oh?
Mum: Yes, there was an asteroid and it sparked a tidal wave, everyone just stood there watching it come towards them.
Me: No Mum, that was Deep Impact, it was made looooong before the tsunami in the Indian Ocean and as you say it was about an asteroid.....




_____________________________

but love is the sky and i am for you
just so long and long enough


(in reply to benny the jet)
Post #: 10
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 1/1/2013 8:21:01 PM   
Super Hans


Posts: 2375
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Watford
Apart from my dad refering to that little known film 'The Hangover Games' recently, it's mainly my in-laws that come out with the most clangers, as they're that wee bit more old fashioned/out of touch with the modern world/daft.  Not constant with it but they do come out with some that make me chuckle, if only because they're a bit random!

"Is she from Iceland?" - Father in law having just seen the pop star Pink on TV.  I think he was confusing her with Bjork which is fair enough, but it was still that last thing (if anything) that I expected him to say when Pink came on the TV.

"I've noticed that womens faces change when they're pregnant" - Father in law again, during a conversation about having babies, in the early weeks of my wife's pregnancy.  Declined to elaborate when invited to by my mother in law, as he was clearly implying that he thought they got fatter in the face, but decided he wanted to stop digging...

Father in law: "There's this song I keep hearing on the radio by a band called The Killers and there's a line where he says 'are we human or ....something' - it's been bugging me for ages, do you know what he says?
Me: Yeah, it's 'are we human of are we dancers'.
Father in law: "I thought it sounded like that but thought it seemed odd."
Me: Yeah, he got it from a quote from a writer called Hunter S Thompson where he expressed unhappiness that America was rasing a generation of 'dancers'.
Mother in Law: "HUH!  And what's wrong with being a dancer???"

Being a trained dancer in her youth, the old dear was bit incensed by all this!  I could have explained to her that he didn't mean this literally, that it wasn't literally a slur against those who could do a flawless tango and liked to partake in the odd foxtrot, but it would have been wasted on her really!

_____________________________

"Its staring at you in the face Mark, there's only one more sex to try..."

(in reply to JV)
Post #: 11
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 1/1/2013 10:31:47 PM   
Mister Coe

 

Posts: 1426
Joined: 20/10/2012
Although I love my Mum, it's obvious that we have very diffrent views. I;m a guy who likes rock music, has grown his hair long on several occasions (also, some dodgy facial hair) and is generally into the more 'interesting' side of life, if you know what I mean. She, on the other hand, told me when I was in my mid-teens that she hoped I would turn out to be an accountant or a bank manager. We have almost nothing in common.

Which is fine, but on several occasions, she has told me that, and i quote, 'I think I picked up the wrong baby at the hospital...?'...

Is it just me or is that horrible? My biological father fucked off when I was about six months old so my Mum is the only biological parent I have left, but still...



_____________________________

Say what now?

(in reply to Super Hans)
Post #: 12
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 3/1/2013 11:07:36 AM   
chewbacasnapsak


Posts: 739
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: westbound on olympic
when i left to go to University, years ago, I broke up with my girlfriend that summer.

Previous to the split a few weeks before my Dad had walked in on us inflagrente when we thought they were both out.

when i told my Mum we had broken up she was like

"oh thats a shame love, she was nice, but its probably for the best"
and my Dad says
"Yeah it is a shame she had great tits"
my mum
"what dear?"
my Dad
"nothing" and gives me a wink

_____________________________

"who'd pay a million dollars to have me killed"
"jealous husbands, outraged chefs, humiliated tailors...the list is endless"

(in reply to Mister Coe)
Post #: 13
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 3/1/2013 1:47:11 PM   
Chief


Posts: 7745
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Banshee
I met my stepmum in a shop the other day and was telling her about the puppy I'm getting:

Me: We're getting a dog
Her: A dog? What about the cat?
Me: What about the cat?
Her: You can't get a puppy when you've got a cat
Me: You did
Her: Aye, but that was years ago

I think I could smell wine on her breath.

(in reply to JV)
Post #: 14
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 5/1/2013 6:44:05 PM   
Sway


Posts: 9085
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Albuquerque
My brother gave my folks a wad of money as a Christmas present to go towards a holiday/break for them this year. Was speaking to mum tonight about about where they might go.

Mum: I fancy going back to Bruges. Or maybe Prague, but your father says no.
Me: Prague isn't that great anyway, but I'd use the money to go somewhere you haven't been before. Dad's keen on Vienna.
Mum: Oh yeah, I'd fancy that too!
Me: It's lovely - I never got the chance to see all of it, and have always fancied going back. There's lots of beautiful buildings and amazing gardens...
Mum: Oh and I've always wanted to go on a gondola!
Me:


_____________________________

"I am not in danger, Skyler. I AM the danger! A guy opens his door and gets shot and you think that of me? No. I am the one who knocks!"



(in reply to Chief)
Post #: 15
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 7/1/2013 10:56:32 PM   
chewbacasnapsak


Posts: 739
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: westbound on olympic
My Mum bless her could generate her own thread.
She is a very enthusiastic maker of table decorations made out of Lace, she once created this large circular decoration with a hole in the middle, a ring if you will.
It was during a family get together attended by me and my brothers families that she announced after dinner "who'd like to see my new ring piece".
I immediately spat the beer I was quoffing across the table and my brother turned an alarming shade of purple as he choked on his dessert. We didn't stop laughing for a good half hour and we kept dissolving into giggles as we both unsuccessfully tried to explain what a ring piece was to my poor mum.

_____________________________

"who'd pay a million dollars to have me killed"
"jealous husbands, outraged chefs, humiliated tailors...the list is endless"

(in reply to Sway)
Post #: 16
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 8/1/2013 12:38:01 PM   
jcthefirst


Posts: 4415
Joined: 6/10/2005
From: Bangor

quote:

ORIGINAL: JV

Me + my husband recently came back from our honeymoon in Thailand, and I was talking to my mum about how we'd been thinking a lot about the 2004 tsunami since we'd been to some of the areas that were affected.

Mum: Yes, they made that film about it.
Me: (thinking they've only just finished making The Impossible, how can my mum possibly know this?) Oh?
Mum: Yes, there was an asteroid and it sparked a tidal wave, everyone just stood there watching it come towards them.
Me: No Mum, that was Deep Impact, it was made looooong before the tsunami in the Indian Ocean and as you say it was about an asteroid.....





I feel really really bad for laughing so loudly at that.

_____________________________

@Jonny_C85

My Movie Blog | My Other Various Rantings Blog

(in reply to JV)
Post #: 17
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 9/1/2013 7:32:41 PM   
benny the jet


Posts: 2418
Joined: 27/8/2008
From: Over there
I once phoned my mum to speak to my brother. She said
"he's out, he's gone to see black men in suits"

Assuming she meant Men In Black

_____________________________

That means we only have thirty minutes to get you up that tree

I fucking love tea. Its my favourite drink after coffee and alcohol

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=585511933

(in reply to jcthefirst)
Post #: 18
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 12/1/2013 5:57:28 PM   
kumar


Posts: 5219
Joined: 2/10/2005
Mum: These pans have a lifetime guarantee, so when im dead, you can have them
Kumar: Oh, um, thanks mum......

_____________________________

"Darth Silas - I love Craig as Bond too. Genius. "- Jackmansgirl 15/7/2008

Last films watched:

The Road - 4/5
Chronicle - 4/5
Twilight Breaking Dawn p1 - 1/5
Warrior - 5/5
Super 8 - 5/5
Paranormal Activity 3 - 3/5
MI 4 - 2/5

(in reply to JV)
Post #: 19
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 12/1/2013 11:35:02 PM   
Saltire


Posts: 1973
Joined: 5/7/2011
From: Dundee

quote:

ORIGINAL: kumar

Mum: These pans have a lifetime guarantee, so when im dead, you can have them
Kumar: Oh, um, thanks mum......


Ha my gran says that to me almost everytime I see her as she has some pot that she's had since the Fifties! Mind you she did show me a brandy glass with a swastika on it the other day that my late grandfather 'obtained' during the war - that felt weird holding something like that in my hands...

(in reply to kumar)
Post #: 20
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 12/1/2013 11:59:29 PM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 12120
Joined: 30/9/2005
In her final years my nan did that too. "Here, this is your grandfather's old watch, can you look after it for me? You'll get it soon enough anyway..."

(in reply to Saltire)
Post #: 21
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 26/2/2014 8:57:17 PM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 12120
Joined: 30/9/2005
My mum on the phone just now...

"There was a funeral in Cardiff today, for that one who died."

Yeah, no shit

(in reply to Hood_Man)
Post #: 22
RE: Crazy shit my parents say - 11/4/2014 2:27:22 PM   
doug64


Posts: 46
Joined: 24/11/2009
From: A cupboard in Dundee
When embarking on a journey via ferry (a regular occurrence round my way) my dad will often say:

It's like getting the last helicopter out of Saigon.

He does however refrain himself to times when the ferry is actually busy.

He's not completely mad, not yet anyway.

_____________________________

Under doctors orders to self promote, so to stop me foaming at the mouth check out http://pullupapew.wordpress.com/



"Generic favourite movie quote."

(in reply to Hood_Man)
Post #: 23
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