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Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 11:00:21 AM

matty_b

Posts: 13123
Joined: 19/10/2005
From: Outpost 31 calling McMurtle.

We've all had them when using public transport. You know, the people who insist on sitting next to you when the rest of the vehicle is empty and are clearly out of their heads. Any interesting examples?

I was getting the train from Middlesbrough to Sunderland whilst at university one day after visiting my friend who was studying there. The train was packed so I took the nearest available seat which was at a table for four and I found myself sitting opposite to a gentleman whose main distinguishing feature was a red scar in the middle of his forehead about the size of a 50p piece.

"All right, mate" says he.

"Uh, yeah."

A bit of a pause.

"Do you want some of this sandwich?" he asked, waving a half-eaten sandwich in its packet at me.

"Erm...no, I'm all right for food, thanks."

"OK. How about some Coke?" he then said, with the dregs of some pop sloshing about in a can he had proffered me.

"No, no, I'm fine. Really."

"Oh, OK."

Another pause as he considers his next sentence.

"It was lying there when I sat down, so I've no idea where it came from anyway."

"Riiiiight." Well, don't I feel stupid for refusing this offer now?

Anyway, he continues to badger me about nothing in particular until he then tells me that he's just got out of prison.

"And do they know that?" I think, but crucially don't say.

"Yeah, that's where I got this", he said, pointing to the scar on his forehead. "A broken pool cue. It hurt."

Great. Spiffing. By this point, we've arrived at another station and more people get on, including two girls about my age (early 20s at the time - the guy was about ten years older) who take the only available seats - the one next to me, and the one next to the prisoner at large. As they start talking to each other, it becomes clear that they're French. His ears prick up and he butts into their conversation.

"Oh, you're French?" he kind of shouts at them, in the way that your grandparents do when they think that that will make someone understand their English better. They nod at him nervously.

"Erm, er, er..." he stutters before looking at me beseechingly as if I was his fucking wingman in this insane situation. Eventually, however, he manages to find something to say, something that will appeal to their cultural differences.

"Erm....un, deux, trois. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Yes, that was his golden plan to seduce these French ladies. To recite the only three French numbers he knew at them, before laughing hysterically in their faces.

Suffice to say it did not work, and the rest of the journey was most awkward, with me a) wishing that I'd brought some headphones and b) praying that I, and to a lesser extent the Frenchies, got out of the train alive.

I've never seen the man since, but not a day goes by where I don't think of him.

Anyone else got any similar stories?

< Message edited by matty_b -- 28/9/2012 11:01:04 AM >

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RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 11:10:58 AM

Gimli The Dwarf

Posts: 73572
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Central Park Zoo

Oh, that's cheered me up

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So, sir, we let him have it right up! And I have to report, sir, he did not like it, sir.

Fellow scientists, poindexters, geeks.

Yeah, Mr. White! Yeah, science!

Much more better!

(in reply to matty_b)

Post #: 2

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 11:12:26 AM

talpacino

Posts: 3643
Joined: 15/11/2005
From: The Royal County

I have to be honest. The "...Un, deux, trois..." made me laugh. The guy is a genius.

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Currahee!

It's a different film. It's a very different film! It's a different shark!

Suppose I shot ya..How'd that be?

(in reply to matty_b)

Post #: 3

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 11:15:09 AM

MonsterCat

Posts: 6411
Joined: 24/3/2011
From: St. Albans, Hertfordshire

Never experienced anything like what Matty just outlined but I was on a bus in Brixton when a particularly nasty fight broke out.

Well, that's Brixton for you.

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Films watched in 2013

(in reply to talpacino)

Post #: 4

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 11:19:52 AM

DancingClown

Posts: 3687
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: The Lot

When my wife was a student at Manchester she and a friend were stalked by two creepy scallies who actually followed them off a bus and into the Sainsburys in Longsight. My wife and her friend actually had to cower behind one of the fruit/veg stalls before the scallies fucked off, although god knows what their plans had been. And this was after they had attempted to chat them up on the bus beforehand, during which one of them offended my wife so badly she refuses to let me know what he said for "the sake of my blood-pressure".

I used to commute a lot so I'm trying to narrow down any specific incidents involving weirdos and nutters, however I always consider every other passenger on the bus or the train to be an annoyance anyway.

I do remember some freak huddled in the corner of the the top deck of a bus with his face to the wall, grunting and groaning as if he was either peeing or wanking. In hindsight I think it was probably vad3r. Or perhaps Donald McKinney.

< Message edited by DancingClown -- 28/9/2012 11:27:54 AM >

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'The town knew darkness, and darkness was enough.'

"Storm just bleeewwww me away..."

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Post #: 5

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 11:33:55 AM

matty_b

Posts: 13123
Joined: 19/10/2005
From: Outpost 31 calling McMurtle.

quote:

ORIGINAL: talpacino

I have to be honest. The "...Un, deux, trois..." made me laugh. The guy is a genius.

I'll admit during that bit I was biting my lip to stop laughing mainly out of the fear that he would shiv me to death.

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cool Breeze
Mattyb is a shining example of what the perfect Empire Forum member is.

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Post #: 6

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 11:43:45 AM

Chief

Posts: 7138
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Banshee

You do know that those French chicks probably thought you were together.

(in reply to matty_b)

Post #: 7

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 11:52:29 AM

talpacino

Posts: 3643
Joined: 15/11/2005
From: The Royal County

Stab yourself in the head with a pool cue and maybe the two of ye can go around tag-teaming librarians.

_____________________________

Currahee!

It's a different film. It's a very different film! It's a different shark!

Suppose I shot ya..How'd that be?

(in reply to Chief)

Post #: 8

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 11:53:09 AM

Hood_Man

Posts: 11357
Joined: 30/9/2005

I was coming home from a Wales rugby match on the train, to the delightful soundtrack of one man shouting to himself "Fucking Welsh pricks, fuck the Welsh, no Fucking good for anything, Fucking pricks, shit at everything, shit at rugby, shit at everything, Fucking bridge (

), Fucking Welsh, all pricks all of them, Fucking Welsh pricks!"

I think he might have been referring to the Severn Bridge, but he was incredibly annoying

(in reply to Chief)

Post #: 9

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 11:55:40 AM

matty_b

Posts: 13123
Joined: 19/10/2005
From: Outpost 31 calling McMurtle.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chief

You do know that those French chicks probably thought you were together.

quote:

Stab yourself in the head with a pool cue and maybe the two of ye can go around tag-teaming librarians.

_____________________________

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cool Breeze
Mattyb is a shining example of what the perfect Empire Forum member is.

(in reply to Chief)

Post #: 10

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 12:07:50 PM

jcthefirst

Posts: 4112
Joined: 6/10/2005
From: Bangor

^new favourite gif.

I don't really have any nutter stories, but I do remember a time when getting the bus home from school, I offered an elderly lady my seat. She declined, and stood holding onto the pole on the seat in front of me. As the driver was apparently a mentalist travelling at ludicrous speeds we come into a roundabout at far too fast for any bus to be going, and this poor woman, unable to stay on her feet, swings around the pole and collapses arse first into my lap.

She says 'Ooooh, this is nice' to try and cover her embarrassment.

I say nothing because she's landed full force onto my knackers.

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Post #: 11

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 12:52:00 PM

homersimpson_esq

Posts: 19969
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield

quote:

ORIGINAL: jcthefirst

^new favourite gif.

I don't really have any nutter stories, but I do remember a time when getting the bus home from school, I offered an elderly lady my seat. She declined, and stood holding onto the pole on the seat in front of me. As the driver was apparently a mentalist travelling at ludicrous speeds we�come into�a roundabout at far too fast for any bus to be going, and this poor woman, unable to stay on her feet, swings around the pole and collapses arse first into my lap.�

She says 'Ooooh, this is nice' to try and cover her embarrassment.

I say nothing because she's landed full force onto my knackers.

...and that, son, is how babies are made.

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Post #: 12

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 7:27:57 PM

vad3r

Posts: 4284
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: Close to Mod HQ

Funnily enough vad3r took a trip on the bus today. Here's my story:

It was a packed 182 bus from Wembley to my house. I stood at the exit doors and wasn't sure whether to face the passengers sitting down or turn around and face the front of the bus. I decided to turn around and face the front of the bus. It was less awkward that way, even though I had to turn my back to everyone behind me. Anyway, long story short, there was a girl standing near the entrance doors who was ridiculously cute. The rest gets a bit creepy, so I'll stop there. Don't worry, she never noticed I existed, but I had a good 20 minute stare before we had to part ways. All you Empire guys crossed my mind during the intense stare, your voices in my head saying ''go on son, what's the worst that could happen?''.
Alas, the fear of rejection is too big a price to pay.

_____________________________

Single Virgin

Mod Candidate 2013

quote:

ORIGINAL: horribleives
To paraphrase the great man himself:

Vad3r won't go anywhere near this.

(in reply to homersimpson_esq)

Post #: 13

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 7:35:23 PM

DancingClown

Posts: 3687
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: The Lot

quote:

ORIGINAL: vad3r

Funnily enough vad3r took a trip on the bus today. Here's my story:

It was a packed 182 bus from Wembley to my house. I stood at the exit doors and wasn't sure whether to face the passengers sitting down or turn around and face the front of the bus. I decided to turn around and face the front of the bus. It was less awkward that way, even though I had to turn my back to everyone behind me. Anyway, long story short, there was a girl standing near the entrance doors who was ridiculously cute. The rest gets a bit creepy, so I'll stop there. Don't worry, she never noticed I existed, but I had a good 20 minute stare before we had to part ways. All you Empire guys crossed my mind during the intense stare, your voices in my head saying ''go on son, what's the worst that could happen?''.
Alas, the fear of rejection is too big a price to pay.

_____________________________

Astronomic Tune Boy

'The town knew darkness, and darkness was enough.'

"Storm just bleeewwww me away..."

(in reply to vad3r)

Post #: 14

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 7:52:06 PM

vad3r

Posts: 4284
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: Close to Mod HQ

quote:

ORIGINAL: DancingClown

quote:

ORIGINAL: vad3r

Funnily enough vad3r took a trip on the bus today. Here's my story:

It was a packed 182 bus from Wembley to my house. I stood at the exit doors and wasn't sure whether to face the passengers sitting down or turn around and face the front of the bus. I decided to turn around and face the front of the bus. It was less awkward that way, even though I had to turn my back to everyone behind me. Anyway, long story short, there was a girl standing near the entrance doors who was ridiculously cute. The rest gets a bit creepy, so I'll stop there. Don't worry, she never noticed I existed, but I had a good 20 minute stare before we had to part ways. All you Empire guys crossed my mind during the intense stare, your voices in my head saying ''go on son, what's the worst that could happen?''.
Alas, the fear of rejection is too big a price to pay.

Flat petite pump shoes, sock-less, occasional rise of exposed heel out of shoe. Happy?

_____________________________

Single Virgin

Mod Candidate 2013

quote:

ORIGINAL: horribleives
To paraphrase the great man himself:

Vad3r won't go anywhere near this.

(in reply to DancingClown)

Post #: 15

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 8:31:49 PM

Ghidorah

Posts: 2660
Joined: 6/10/2005

There was this woman on the bus who's always sat at the front row on the top deck. She would never allowed anyone to sit next to her or the opposite row. She always told people her friends are sitting there. Nothing wrong with that. However when I catched the same bus as her and I never saw any of her friends joining her. In a way it was something out of The Fast Show and it was routine to hear 'My friends are sitting there.' at every bus stop.

After listening to a few friends, I ignored the woman and sat in opposite seats to her. Big mistake..........

She wasn't saving the seats for her friends. It wasn't because she didn't want people to sit next to her. She had three make believe friends sitting in the front row and I had to put up with their conversation for the rest of the bus journey.

(in reply to DancingClown)

Post #: 16

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 8:40:36 PM

Shifty Bench

Posts: 14749
Joined: 30/9/2005

quote:

ORIGINAL: vad3r
The rest gets a bit creepy, so I'll stop there. Don't worry, she never noticed I existed, but I had a good 20 minute stare before we had to part ways.

Wait, so it gets creepier than you sitting staring at her for 20 minutes without her knowledge..................?

quote:

All you Empire guys crossed my mind during the intense stare, your voices in my head saying ''go on son, what's the worst that could happen?''.

No, nope, that doesn't sound like me.

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quote:

ORIGINAL: matty_b
You have a nice face, Shifty. A face I would have a cup of tea with.

(in reply to vad3r)

Post #: 17

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 9:29:00 PM

vad3r

Posts: 4284
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: Close to Mod HQ

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shifty Bench

quote:

ORIGINAL: vad3r
The rest gets a bit creepy, so I'll stop there. Don't worry, she never noticed I existed, but I had a good 20 minute stare before we had to part ways.

Wait, so it gets creepier than you sitting staring at her for 20 minutes without her knowledge..................?

quote:

All you Empire guys crossed my mind during the intense stare, your voices in my head saying ''go on son, what's the worst that could happen?''.

No, nope, that doesn't sound like me.

My post clearly says I was standing. Also, It doesn't get creepier, but it can sound creepier if I describe it in more detail. My post two doors up tells you all you need to know. Basically, instead of staring at her angelic face or petite body, I stared at her feet the entire time. She was wearing those flat sock-less pumps that are trendy now.

Well, what about: ''do it vad3r, go up and use that charm, win her heart like you've won ours, you'll live to regret what might have been if you don't...''

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Single Virgin

Mod Candidate 2013

quote:

ORIGINAL: horribleives
To paraphrase the great man himself:

Vad3r won't go anywhere near this.

(in reply to Shifty Bench)

Post #: 18

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 9:42:04 PM

sanchia

Posts: 16900
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Norwich

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shifty Bench

quote:

All you Empire guys crossed my mind during the intense stare, your voices in my head saying ''go on son, what's the worst that could happen?''.

No, nope, that doesn't sound like me.

I get the impression he may have overheard a Dr Pepper advert somewhere.

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Nothing to see here.

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Post #: 19

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 9:47:41 PM

Shifty Bench

Posts: 14749
Joined: 30/9/2005

quote:

ORIGINAL: vad3r
My post clearly says I was standing

True but it didn't say you stood for the entire 20 minutes.

quote:

Well, what about: ''do it vad3r, go up and use that charm, win her heart like you've won ours, you'll live to regret what might have been if you don't...''

How about, 'stop staring at feet like a creepy stalker?' or 'man the fuck up and get laid so we don't have to keep reading about your single virginity'. No, none of them is me either.

How old was she, roughly?

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Extended Edition- click (Ep 6:DSLR Film-making )

quote:

ORIGINAL: matty_b
You have a nice face, Shifty. A face I would have a cup of tea with.

(in reply to vad3r)

Post #: 20

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 10:02:14 PM

DancingClown

Posts: 3687
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: The Lot

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shifty Bench

quote:

ORIGINAL: vad3r
My post clearly says I was standing

True but it didn't say you stood for the entire 20 minutes.

quote:

Well, what about: ''do it vad3r, go up and use that charm, win her heart like you've won ours, you'll live to regret what might have been if you don't...''

How about, 'stop staring at feet like a creepy stalker?' or 'man the fuck up and get laid so we don't have to keep reading about your single virginity'. No, none of them is me either.

How old was she, roughly?

She was probably Megan Stammers.

_____________________________

Astronomic Tune Boy

'The town knew darkness, and darkness was enough.'

"Storm just bleeewwww me away..."

(in reply to Shifty Bench)

Post #: 21

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 10:05:28 PM

vad3r

Posts: 4284
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: Close to Mod HQ

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shifty Bench

quote:

ORIGINAL: vad3r
My post clearly says I was standing

True but it didn't say you stood for the entire 20 minutes.

quote:

Well, what about: ''do it vad3r, go up and use that charm, win her heart like you've won ours, you'll live to regret what might have been if you don't...''

How about, 'stop staring at feet like a creepy stalker?' or 'man the fuck up and get laid so we don't have to keep reading about your single virginity'. No, none of them is me either.

How old was she, roughly?

I did actually stand for the entire 20 minutes. In fact, I always stand on public transport regardless of whether seats are available.

Finding cute girls feet attractive is not weird by the way. It's perfectly acceptable in this day and age.

I would say she was around 17-19. Not that it matters, but she was over 16, I'm 21, all I did was look.

< Message edited by vad3r -- 28/9/2012 10:06:29 PM >

_____________________________

Single Virgin

Mod Candidate 2013

quote:

ORIGINAL: horribleives
To paraphrase the great man himself:

Vad3r won't go anywhere near this.

(in reply to Shifty Bench)

Post #: 22

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 10:14:05 PM

Shifty Bench

Posts: 14749
Joined: 30/9/2005

quote:

ORIGINAL: vad3r
Finding cute girls feet attractive is not weird by the way. It's perfectly acceptable in this day and age.

I don't like feet but that wasn't my point anyway it was the fact that you staring at her feet for twenty minutes.

quote:

I would say she was around 17-19. Not that it matters, but she was over 16, I'm 21, all I did was look.

I wasn't implying anything, was just asking. I was being a nosey bugger. Although, now that you mention it, how could you tell how old she was if you barely looked at her face?

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quote:

ORIGINAL: matty_b
You have a nice face, Shifty. A face I would have a cup of tea with.

(in reply to vad3r)

Post #: 23

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 10:14:28 PM

DancingClown

Posts: 3687
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: The Lot

quote:

ORIGINAL: vad3r

I would say she was around 17-19. Not that it matters, but she was over 16, I'm 21, all I did was look.

Were you, erm...subtle...about it? Do you have good experience of being subtle in similar situations? You know...like quiet and erm... stealthy?

_____________________________

Astronomic Tune Boy

'The town knew darkness, and darkness was enough.'

"Storm just bleeewwww me away..."

(in reply to vad3r)

Post #: 24

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 10:16:33 PM

Shifty Bench

Posts: 14749
Joined: 30/9/2005

DC, I keep thinking is going to jump at me if I look at you avatar long enough

_____________________________

Extended Edition- click (Ep 6:DSLR Film-making )

quote:

ORIGINAL: matty_b
You have a nice face, Shifty. A face I would have a cup of tea with.

(in reply to DancingClown)

Post #: 25

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 10:16:55 PM

Hood_Man

Posts: 11357
Joined: 30/9/2005

No no no, you've got to slap her on the ass and ask her if she wants to go for a curry, that's how you do it!

(in reply to DancingClown)

Post #: 26

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 10:19:25 PM

Shifty Bench

Posts: 14749
Joined: 30/9/2005

I want to go for a curry, why won't someone slap me on the ass?!?

_____________________________

Extended Edition- click (Ep 6:DSLR Film-making )

quote:

ORIGINAL: matty_b
You have a nice face, Shifty. A face I would have a cup of tea with.

(in reply to Hood_Man)

Post #: 27

RE: Bus and train nutters - 28/9/2012 10:21:16 PM

vad3r

Posts: 4284
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: Close to Mod HQ

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shifty Bench

quote:

ORIGINAL: vad3r
Finding cute girls feet attractive is not weird by the way. It's perfectly acceptable in this day and age.

I don't like feet but that wasn't my point anyway it was the fact that you staring at her feet for twenty minutes.

quote:

I would say she was around 17-19. Not that it matters, but she was over 16, I'm 21, all I did was look.

I wasn't implying anything, was just asking. I was being a nosey bugger. Although, now that you mention it, how could you tell how old she was if you barely looked at her face?

I stared at her face too obviously, she was touching buttons on her phone the entire time. She could have been 25 for all I know. It's hard to judge when a girl is short, slim and has a flawless face. Definitely over 16 though.

_____________________________

Single Virgin

Mod Candidate 2013