Twinkle
Posts: 1327
Joined: 27/10/2005 From: Planet Telex
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Michael Biehn does indeed have "It" - literally. He kidnapped Cousin It from the Addam's Family (who're real, of course) and he keeps him in a cage in his kitchen. He tenderly renamed It "Shit". He only feeds Shit jam, and as a result, Shit is now a large hairy ball. Sometimes, when he's drunk, Biehn molests Shit, and when we wakes the next day and remembers, he weeps for hours on his bedroom floor. Michael Douglas seduced Catherine Zeta-Jones by singing "Born Free" in the middle of a crowded LA eaterie - she wept big, fat, Welsh tears of joy. His private nickname is now "Elsa" and he wears a shaggy brown wig (his "mane") while they make love. Brad Pitt and George Clooney like to unwind by wrestling, naked, in front of a vast roaring fire. Matt Damon likes to watch. Sometime they let Clooney's pet pot-bellied pig join in, although it's made to wear a muzzle. Tom Hanks has a morbid, uncontrollable fear of badgers. This dates from a childhood camping trip, where - in the deep of night - an adult male invaded his tent and shat on his sleeping bag. Many years later, on a miserable Autumn's day, Hanks was in England filming a scene for Saving Private Ryan when, suddenly, a rutting badger came lumbering out of the undergrowth, snorting in anger. Hero Hanks was so frightened that he actually ran away like a girl whilst a) squealing like a piglet, and b) wetting himself. Such was his terror that he temporarily lost his mind, fled the perimeter of the set and roamed wild for a few days. A search was mounted, and on the third day he was spotted by a lighting-rigger; he was (purportedly) semi-naked, crouched on the ground and prodding a cowpat in curiosity (some members of the rescue team insist to this day that he was about to eat it). Upon spotting the rescuers, Hanks bravely made a run for it, but Vin Diesel eventually rugby-tackled him to the ground and straddled him, while a worried Spielberg talked him round. He was crying, filthy and pee-soaked (he is known as "Honkin' Hanks" within the industry), and he needed three months of intensive therapy before he would return to the set. These days, he has a "No Badgers" rule written into his contract, and if one approaches him at any time on a film-set, he automatically gets double his original fee. Jim Cameron genuinely believes that he's "King of the World". His Oscar speech was a cry for help, but everyone just sniggered and ignored him, and once the ceremony was over, Scorsese and his cronies flushed his head down the toilet. He deals with the pain by building elaborate structures out of Kraft cheese slices, which he only ever refers to as "manna from Heaven".
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In Thom We Trust
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