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Adventures in Fatherhood... - 21/9/2011 7:14:52 PM   
clownfoot


Posts: 7916
Joined: 26/9/2005
From: The ickle town of Fuck, Austria
From my blog. Almost nine months now. Time to take stock of what Fatherhood has taught me...

http://clownfootsinversemidas.blogspot.com/2011/09/adventures-in-fatherhood.html

Before the arrival of my little boy I was quite afraid. If the wife's pregnancy and the upcoming labour wasn't enough to keep me constantly on edge, then the advice from family, friends, work colleagues, the NCT group and random strangers down the pub about the post-birth after-life was almost enough to send me rolling down the cliff-side. All I had to look forward to from this point to the end of eternity was incessant mountains of poo, sleep deprivation, an end to all social activity and incessant mountains of poo (so important it needs to be said twice). Not to mention that if the little man had colic then I would effectively rise one morning after a month of non-stop crying as something resembling a shuffling brain-eating zombie.    

And for a time at the beginning of this new adventure I thought they would be right. At the birth, my boy came out covered in poo. Typical! He was also fairly ill for his first the ten days in the world, spending a short time in the hospitals neonatal intensive care unit (a really humbling experience) and needing a course of antibiotics to overcome the illness. The antibiotics had an unfortunate after affect. On his third day the little one would plaster my right arm with fiery orange liquid death that was fired like an Exocet missile from his tiny little bottom. It could have been a full-on chest shot except the squeak of a fart encouraged me to take a side-step. Most of the evil just arched across the room instead, destroying the wall on the other-side (a good nine feet away). I'd never seen anything like it. The tiny extra bit he squeezed out for simple chuckles after the main course still haunts me to this day. Walking into the nurses' ward to ask for help I felt like the guy from Robocop who crashes his van into a tub of toxic waste. "Help me, I'm melting…” 

Luckily, such early encounters with unbelievable amounts of baby poo have guarded me well for all future nappy changing events. Rather than freak-out like a complete goof, I made the decision that where the little one was concerned I'd simply suck it in (an intake of breath, not the poo) and get on with things. As such, I'm now a Zen master of nappy changing! More to the point it shows for all the stuff people tell you prior to the birth, you really don't know how you're going to deal with things until you're actually in the danger zone. Thinking about changing nappies during the wife's pregnancy made me feel icky; post-birth, what's the big fucking deal!  

Yes, he is a rubbish sleeper and my social activity has been reduced to virtually nothing; people were not wrong about that. I originally thought, rather naively, that babies arrived from the womb fully understanding the sleep process. Do. They. Bollocks! No, you have to train them how to sleep, which is pretty much like attempting to train a puppy not to lick their plums. Yet even here there are hidden bonuses. I've worked out I can survive through the day on just four hours of sleep and remain effective at work, rather than wander around like a perpetually clueless goon. Likewise, although my social-life has been stunted this has had a great effect on my physique. I feel more energised from avoiding beer, not to mention the weekend hangover has been vanquished, and I'm much thinner and fitter than before.  

Which makes me question, why does no one tell you about these benefits before having a baby? Why is it always 'covered in poo', 'you'll be walking about like a zombie' and 'the first few months are hell'? Additionally, why does no one tell you about the wonderful things that happen as your child slowly grows into himself? Perhaps it's down to the simple joy of letting you find out and experience the more amazing things for yourself, at undisclosed times when you're least expecting it.  

A case in point, the other week I was moving a suitcase which involved raising the metal handle into its full position so that it could be easily pulled along the floor. So, I raised the handle up, got distracted by something and slammed it back down into the hidden position. The little tinker was watching on and decided this was the funniest thing he had ever seen. The belly laugh and his chuckling were so infectious I did it again. And again. And again. In total I did this with the suitcase handle about 20 times and the little man's uncontrolled joy never ceased; he just kept chuckling away like a gibbon. The action I was carrying out was not in the remotest bit funny, but in a child's world it was a moment of wonder and sheer amazement. Oh, to be a child again, huh?  

So, almost nine months of being a father have passed and he's already standing himself up and cruising with the aid of furniture. It's been an incredible journey so far. Here are too the next set of adventures as he grows into a toddler. Although, if at all possible, if you could avoid hosing me down with liquid shit again, that would be nice…!

< Message edited by clownfoot -- 21/9/2011 7:15:43 PM >


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RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 21/9/2011 11:06:07 PM   
Harley Quinn


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From: Arkham
Beautifully written clowny. Little HQ spent the first week of his life in a neo-natal ICU and it's not an experience I'd wish on anyone. I hope the little one is all OK now.

Babies laughing it's one of my favourite sounds ever. Little HQ is almost 8 and I can still remember the first time he did that full on belly laugh as if it happened yesterday. No-one tells you any of the good stuff when your expecting a baby. How much you can love someone (See my quote in my sig!), the simple pleasures of playing with rubber ducks in the bath. The first time they sleep through the night!





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Post #: 1022
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 22/9/2011 10:34:26 AM   
thetruth


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Beautiful stuff!
People without kids just see poo and no sleep,but it´s more than that.
Enjoy the baby stage,it vanishes so so quickly.
Seeing their little personalities form is amazing.
My first daughter was in the IC unit,and seeing these little bundles of joy fighting,literally for their lives,is the most humbling and amazing experience.

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RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 22/9/2011 10:37:08 AM   
thetruth


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Harley Quinn

Beautifully written clowny. Little HQ spent the first week of his life in a neo-natal ICU and it's not an experience I'd wish on anyone. I hope the little one is all OK now.

Babies laughing it's one of my favourite sounds ever. Little HQ is almost 8 and I can still remember the first time he did that full on belly laugh as if it happened yesterday. No-one tells you any of the good stuff when your expecting a baby. How much you can love someone (See my quote in my sig!), the simple pleasures of playing with rubber ducks in the bath. The first time they sleep through the night!





My 3 year old has the most infectious laugh,when she does it,i cant stop either!
It´s true though about the joys of the little things-we were walking in the park the other day kicking leaves,i´d forgotten how much fun that it is!

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RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 22/9/2011 11:19:29 AM   
MOTH

 

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It is true that babies and toddlers will make you feel like a comedy genius. Unfortunately, around the age of 5 or so, just when your head has inflated with ideas of taking your act to the Edinburgh Comedy Festival, the laughing stops and the withering, pitying looks begin. That's why people have more children - easier to change your audience than your jokes.

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RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 22/9/2011 8:36:38 PM   
clownfoot


Posts: 7916
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From: The ickle town of Fuck, Austria
quote:

ORIGINAL: Harley Quinn

Beautifully written clowny. Little HQ spent the first week of his life in a neo-natal ICU and it's not an experience I'd wish on anyone. I hope the little one is all OK now.



Yep, all fine now. He swallowed some meconium during the labour and his respiration rate was all over the place. So the second and third night he was in NICU being watched over. It was quite a surreal experience as the little one was around 8lbs 5oz and +11 days over the expected due date. All the other little ones in the Unit were premature. You feel kind of out of place in comparison to what other families must be going through - a regular course of antibiotics and the infection clears up. I really felt like I was intruding somewhat. It does make you marvel at the wonder of modern technology though and the better than not chances of premature babies surviving. 


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Post #: 1026
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 22/9/2011 8:45:26 PM   
Harley Quinn


Posts: 5796
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From: Arkham

quote:

ORIGINAL: clownfoot

quote:

ORIGINAL: Harley Quinn

Beautifully written clowny. Little HQ spent the first week of his life in a neo-natal ICU and it's not an experience I'd wish on anyone. I hope the little one is all OK now.



Yep, all fine now. He swallowed some meconium during the labour and his respiration rate was all over the place. So the second and third night he was in NICU being watched over. It was quite a surreal experience as the little one was around 8lbs 5oz and +11 days over the expected due date. All the other little ones in the Unit were premature. You feel kind of out of place in comparison to what other families must be going through - a regular course of antibiotics and the infection clears up. I really felt like I was intruding somewhat. It does make you marvel at the wonder of modern technology though and the better than not chances of premature babies surviving. 



You're story sound very much like mine, little HQ was 11 days over and 8lb 2oz. He kept going blue and wouldn't feed.

My cousins son was very very premature weighed less than 2lb when he was born and spent the first few months in a neo-natal unit. His parent's were told that he wouldn't make it through the night. His now a strapping man of 20 who is fast becoming a champion runner.


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Post #: 1027
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 23/9/2011 11:10:08 AM   
thetruth


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That´s a great story!

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Post #: 1028
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 23/9/2011 11:16:36 AM   
Funkyrae


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Huge round of applause for that post Clowny, that's just fantastic. Might even get my fiancé to read it!

I was really lucky with my Munchkin, she didn't need ICU, took to feeding really well and (once she worked out just how awesome sleep is) I would get an easy 6 hours a night from about 3 1/2 weeks.

I'm offering up prayers to the Gods that this one is as easy. Although, an easier birth would be amazing.

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RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 23/9/2011 1:47:00 PM   
great_badir


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Yep, good stuff Clowny.

The little lady is coming up to eighteen months now. We're defo into terrible twos territory now. But she still has a really dirty laugh, which is brilliant.

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Post #: 1030
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 23/9/2011 5:14:09 PM   
Funkyrae


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Lordy Loo you're lucky! You managed to get to 18 months before the terrible twos set in. I think the Munchkin started those at about 10 months. Certainly by the time she was a year old.

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RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 30/9/2011 9:49:11 PM   
homersimpson_esq


Posts: 20118
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield
Just found out my daughter (who only turned 6 in June) is not only reading at a nearly-Junior school level (which she doesn't start for another year) but she's also in a small group who go over to the Junior school for advanced maths lessons... She's only just started Year 2! 

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Post #: 1032
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 30/9/2011 10:06:28 PM   
Rebenectomy


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quote:

ORIGINAL: homersimpson_esq

Just found out my daughter (who only turned 6 in June) is not only reading at a nearly-Junior school level (which she doesn't start for another year) but she's also in a small group who go over to the Junior school for advanced maths lessons... She's only just started Year 2! 


Well today my son didn't once try to hit/strangle/defecate on another person. He did try and hit on one of the mums at mother and toddlers - she was very attractive though.

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Post #: 1033
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 30/9/2011 10:16:50 PM   
homersimpson_esq


Posts: 20118
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rebenectomy


quote:

ORIGINAL: homersimpson_esq

Just found out my daughter (who only turned 6 in June) is not only reading at a nearly-Junior school level (which she doesn't start for another year) but she's also in a small group who go over to the Junior school for advanced maths lessons... She's only just started Year 2! 


Well today my son didn't once try to hit/strangle/defecate on another person. He did try and hit on one of the mums at mother and toddlers - she was very attractive though.


Y'see, everyone can find something to celebrate!


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Post #: 1034
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 7/10/2011 1:56:52 AM   
Your Funny Uncle


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Wow....over the past week I have learned just how different one year old girls can be compared to one year old boys. I have never seen a temper tantrum like it........and all because I took the TV remote from her!

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Post #: 1035
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 7/10/2011 8:46:18 AM   
homersimpson_esq


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From: Springfield
Rookie error.

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Post #: 1036
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 7/10/2011 8:55:34 AM   
Chief


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From: Banshee

quote:

ORIGINAL: Your Funny Uncle

Wow....over the past week I have learned just how different one year old girls can be compared to one year old boys. I have never seen a temper tantrum like it........and all because I took the TV remote from her!


Seriously, get used to it.


Seriously.

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Post #: 1037
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 7/10/2011 8:59:10 AM   
homersimpson_esq


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My daughter has written a ten page story: her own take on the gingerbread man. She was only 6 in June... 

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Post #: 1038
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 14/10/2011 4:32:03 PM   
Your Funny Uncle


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quote:

ORIGINAL: homersimpson_esq

Rookie error.


You're not kidding, I've learnt my lesson. Consider me educated.

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Post #: 1039
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 10/11/2011 3:57:55 PM   
Funkyrae


Posts: 20372
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From: Just stick a pin in a map

quote:

ORIGINAL: homersimpson_esq

My daughter has written a ten page story: her own take on the gingerbread man. She was only 6 in June... 



Just to add to the one-up-manship, my daughter is going to be published in February. She was a finalist in a competition (not Young Writers which I'm very dubious about), came in around 8th out of about 90 entries.

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RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 10/11/2011 4:08:27 PM   
jonson


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Funkyrae


quote:

ORIGINAL: homersimpson_esq

My daughter has written a ten page story: her own take on the gingerbread man. She was only 6 in June... 



Just to add to the one-up-manship, my daughter is going to be published in February. She was a finalist in a competition (not Young Writers which I'm very dubious about), came in around 8th out of about 90 entries.


Well done there's nothing wrong with having pride in your kids and telling everyone about it. My eldest daughter is Mildand Tap Dancing Champion for the second year running. I tell everyone that
Scarily though, I had to pick her up from her "boyfriends" house last night. She had her first GCSE exam (they must spread them out nowadays) so I was OK for her to go and see him. I don't like it, not one bit, she's nearly 15, which seems far too young but he seems like a nice young lad and I have to, at some point, accept that my girls will start getting boyfriends.

And Clowny - lovely post mate. I've just realised that this thread hasn't - and probably won't - descended into silliness, arrguments or trolling. How nice.

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RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 10/11/2011 4:10:52 PM   
Harley Quinn


Posts: 5796
Joined: 23/1/2008
From: Arkham
Well done to your daughter Funky.

There must be something about stories about Gingerbread man, Little HQ just won a prize at school for his story about a gingerbread man.

Has anybody else's children got hooked on the Mr Gum stories? They are hilarious and surreal. They include lines such as "I love you like a barbecue" "The truth is lemon meringue" "As rich as mushroom!" Which me and little HQ have stolen and drop into as many conversations as we can.


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Post #: 1042
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 10/11/2011 4:31:12 PM   
steffols


Posts: 7688
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From: Jungleland

quote:

ORIGINAL: Funkyrae


quote:

ORIGINAL: homersimpson_esq

My daughter has written a ten page story: her own take on the gingerbread man. She was only 6 in June... 



Just to add to the one-up-manship, my daughter is going to be published in February. She was a finalist in a competition (not Young Writers which I'm very dubious about), came in around 8th out of about 90 entries.


Can I ask you what you find dubious about Young Writers?

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Post #: 1043
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 10/11/2011 8:59:23 PM   
Funkyrae


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From: Just stick a pin in a map
With Young Writers, it seems there's a school chosen each time and no matter how many entries there are for their "competition" every entrant from that particular school has won. Fair enough, but then every entrant has to pay to have their entry put into the book in the first place. That doesn't seem like a particularly fair competition to me, that seems to me as though it's choosing a school and asking the parents to pay for the book but making it seem like a competition.

The one my daughter has entered was done through the libraries and schools, was free to enter, there's no payment for her story to be published in the book and all sales from the book go to charity.

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Post #: 1044
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 11/11/2011 12:05:52 PM   
homersimpson_esq


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From: Springfield
quote:

ORIGINAL: Funkyrae


quote:

ORIGINAL: homersimpson_esq

My daughter has written a ten page story: her own take on the gingerbread man. She was only 6 in June... 



Just to add to the one-up-manship, my daughter is going to be published in February. She was a finalist in a competition (not Young Writers which I'm very dubious about), came in around 8th out of about 90 entries.


Nicely played!


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Post #: 1045
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 22/11/2011 10:41:39 PM   
Goodfella


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From: North Devon
My 13-month old niece took her first steps today! She's been on the rampage to discover the art of walking for sometime now and over the last few days has been becoming quite frustrated that she just can't quite manage it, but today she has started successfully walking across the room, albeit the occasional stumble! 

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Post #: 1046
RE: Adventures in Fatherhood... - 22/11/2011 11:18:08 PM   
clownfoot


Posts: 7916
Joined: 26/9/2005
From: The ickle town of Fuck, Austria
Annoying things about Clowny jnr...

I change the first nappy of a morning. It's usually just a thick wedge of absorbed wee, which is fine meaning the job is relatively easily done. However, the little man's routine after a little bit of cruising round the furniture, playing with his stacking cups or crawling off on an adventure somewhere else in the flat is to take a massive dump of pure evil in his fresh, clean nappy about ten minutes after his initial change. And he's being doing this for at least the last three months with eerie regularity. It's like he somehow knows that if he holds on for a bit he can have a good chuckle at my expense. And chuckle he does, the clever little bugger...   


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Post #: 1047
Kids and babies thread - 9/12/2011 9:43:51 PM   
matty_b


Posts: 14559
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From: Outpost 31 calling McMurtle.
Big, big proud father moment today - Jr was in his first nativity today as a king. He did ever so well, joining in all the actions which is a big step forward for him. He was in a concert back in the spring and just kind of sat there.

This one he was a lot more involved and enjoyed. There may have just been a manly tear from me...

EDIT - Christ, looking back, I was the first person to reply in this thread - and he was only a few weeks away then...

< Message edited by matty_b -- 9/12/2011 9:50:14 PM >


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Post #: 1048
RE: Kids and babies thread - 10/12/2011 12:14:43 PM   
Brooksy84


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Baby Freya was born Tuesday just gone, been home with us since Wednesday. Frankly how an ugly bastard like me managed to produce something so beautiful is beyond me. Still getting used to the idea of being a dad, all very peculiar but great as well. The little mare is good as gold during the day but not a great sleeper at night time, can be unsettled even after a feed and doesnt want to stay in her basket even though she's fine during daylight. Anyone else find this in the very early days?

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Post #: 1049
RE: Kids and babies thread - 10/12/2011 12:36:30 PM   
Funkyrae


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From: Just stick a pin in a map
Huge congratulations! It's hard work at the beginning but enjoy it.

Yeah, early days are a nightmare it has to be said. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason as to why some babies will sleep through from the start and others need to learn how to sleep. As for the Moses basket situation, it may be at night time because she can sense mum very nearby she's struggling to settle?

Have you tried putting a T-shirt or something that mum has worn in the Moses basket with her? No guarantee this will work, but if she's unsettled it might just be that the smell of mum will help.

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