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RE: The Jokes Thread - 25/1/2008 5:39:36 PM   
dark_exodus


Posts: 1012
Joined: 24/11/2005
Important news for those investing in the Far East "Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal."

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The Town 4/5
Buried 4/5

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Post #: 121
RE: The Jokes Thread - 25/1/2008 6:27:26 PM   
Baby Bear


Posts: 5544
Joined: 6/11/2005
From: Back stalking Wilbert....oh, yes...
Ok, this is an old one but it's the only one I know because I'm crap at jokes. Always fluff the punchline, most of the gag or piddle myself at my own joke. Here goes..

One day after a lovely early morning walk in the forest, the Bear family went home for breakfast. When they walked in the door Mummy Bear said,
" My, who's been eating my porridge?"
and Baby Bear said,
" Who's been eating my porridge and ate it all up?"
and Daddy Bear said,
" Fuck the porridge, where's the fucking stereo!"


I thank you....* bows*


_____________________________

" At least he was asleep when I hit him with the shovel......." Moses Lawn. RIP

Has tin foil hat issues ( thanks Woger...love it )

Felix: "Poor guy. They must be like space hoppers by now."

lympo :
I have no idea how the idea came about! one moment I was eating turkey, the next i was on all fours

Daz : Get. A fucking. Room.

(in reply to dark_exodus)
Post #: 122
RE: The Jokes Thread - 31/1/2008 2:59:06 PM   
Squidward Hark Bugle

 

Posts: 9408
Joined: 17/10/2007
From: Splashed

Two men, Jake and Bob are sitting in a bar. Bob had half drunk his beer when suddenly he stood up, yelled "Shit!" and ran full pelt out of the bar. Jake was confused but went back to his own drink. Half an hour later Bob comes back, wet, stinking and looking extremely pissed off.
"I am so fucking pissed off!"
"Why?"
"I remembered I meant to see this girl for a fuck at 5 o'clock and I forgot."
"Ah, so that's why you're so pissed off. You let her down,"
"No, that's not it. As I was about to cum, we heard a car coming into the driveway. She said it was her husband, and told me to hide."
"Ah, so that's why you're so pissed off. You're sexually frustrated."
"No that's not it. I went to hide under the bed, then the laundry, and finally decided to hang out of the window. She closed the window so her husband wouldn't suspect and crushed my fucking hands."
"Ah, so that's why you're so pissed off. Now you can't jack off to finish what you started."
"No, that's not it. The husband came in, looked under the bed, in the laundry and then opened the window and found me. He was so angry that he pissed on me.
"Ah, so that's why you're so pissed off. You just got pissed on.
"No, that's not it. After he finished pissing, he left and let me climb back in. And you know why I am so pissed off? My feet were three inches above the ground!"

---------------------------------------

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

---------------------------------------

A man walking down the street accidentally steps on another man's naked arse. A woman says "Thank you!"

(in reply to Baby Bear)
Post #: 123
RE: The Jokes Thread - 31/1/2008 3:10:19 PM   
Chojin


Posts: 4838
Joined: 29/6/2007
From: Bedfordshire


_____________________________

http://chojin.devour.org - Mixes, Contact, Etc
XBL/PSN - Chojin22000

(in reply to Squidward Hark Bugle)
Post #: 124
RE: The Jokes Thread - 31/1/2008 4:06:13 PM   
Baby Bear


Posts: 5544
Joined: 6/11/2005
From: Back stalking Wilbert....oh, yes...
And another on a bear theme.......

A rabbit and a bear were in the woods.
The bear says to the rabbit" Do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?"
Rabbit say no.
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.......

_____________________________

" At least he was asleep when I hit him with the shovel......." Moses Lawn. RIP

Has tin foil hat issues ( thanks Woger...love it )

Felix: "Poor guy. They must be like space hoppers by now."

lympo :
I have no idea how the idea came about! one moment I was eating turkey, the next i was on all fours

Daz : Get. A fucking. Room.

(in reply to Chojin)
Post #: 125
RE: The Jokes Thread - 31/1/2008 11:17:00 PM   
markdavies


Posts: 395
Joined: 15/8/2006
From: Middlesbrough
quote:

ORIGINAL: Chojin



what the fuck?  Tremendous.

_____________________________

He made me look ridiculous,
And a man in my position cannot afford to be made to look ridiculous

(in reply to Chojin)
Post #: 126
RE: The Jokes Thread - 1/2/2008 9:47:36 AM   
Chojin


Posts: 4838
Joined: 29/6/2007
From: Bedfordshire
I know it's just astounding isn't it. Never fails to get a good 'lol' from me.



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XBL/PSN - Chojin22000

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Post #: 127
RE: The Jokes Thread - 1/2/2008 3:21:05 PM   
DJ Satan


Posts: 9025
Joined: 26/10/2005
From: White Vaart Lane
A man, hoping to win the local pun competition, submitted ten of his finest puns, thinking that at least one might make it to the top three. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

_____________________________

Don't try to tell me that some power can corrupt a person
You hadn't had enough to know what it's like
You're only angry cause you wish you were in my position
Now nod your head cause you know that I'm right..alright!

(in reply to Chojin)
Post #: 128
RE: The Jokes Thread - 1/2/2008 3:38:13 PM   
Mercurious


Posts: 106
Joined: 29/1/2008
From: Surrey
How many Marxists does it take to turn a lightbulb?

None, the lightbulb holds the seeds to it's own revolution.

_____________________________

I need a healthy injection of cynicism.

(in reply to DJ Satan)
Post #: 129
RE: The Jokes Thread - 1/2/2008 3:39:42 PM   
Mason Verger


Posts: 4724
Joined: 13/1/2006
From: Bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri

Did you hear Kermit is re-releasing one of his songs as a tribute to Jim Henson?
"It's not easy being green."


_____________________________

Mind like parachute - only function when open.

Be excellent to each other.

(in reply to Mercurious)
Post #: 130
RE: The Jokes Thread - 1/2/2008 3:47:41 PM   
Skiba


Posts: 4402
Joined: 24/11/2005
From: London
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?  None, the miserable cunts would rather sit in the dark

_____________________________

Have a good time, all the time.

(in reply to Mason Verger)
Post #: 131
RE: The Jokes Thread - 1/2/2008 4:04:25 PM   
bobatim


Posts: 5609
Joined: 8/4/2006
From: The Killbot Factory!
OAP Elsie takes her husband Arthur, who is losing his hearing, to the doctors for a check up.
The doctor says to Arthur "i need a stool sample,urine sample and a sperm sample"
"What did you say?" Arthur shouts to the doctor.
Elsie taps Arthur on the shoulder and shouts in his ear."He wants your underpants"

_____________________________

Is he died?


www.penultimateuniverse.blogspot.com




(in reply to Skiba)
Post #: 132
RE: The Jokes Thread - 1/2/2008 4:17:17 PM   
blackduck


Posts: 1604
Joined: 1/10/2005
knock knock?
who's there?
the interupting cow.
the interup.....
MOOOOO!


Note:
chances are if you try and tell this joke whoever you tell it to will fuck it up by say ing "what?" instead if trying to say "the interupting cow who?"

_____________________________

I am but an egg.

(in reply to bobatim)
Post #: 133
RE: The Jokes Thread - 1/2/2008 11:11:24 PM   
markdavies


Posts: 395
Joined: 15/8/2006
From: Middlesbrough
Right then Ahem, adopt northern comics voice:

Albert George and Jack get pissed up and go and see a hypnotist at Middlesbrough Town Hall.  All the way through, they`re shouting, and heckling, and being pains.  At the end of the show the hypnotist is so pissed off, he calls them on stage.  "Right" he says, "You`s" (It`s a northern thing) " have fucking ruined my show and for that I`m going to do some dark Egyptian hypno on your arses.  Hala kala kal hal mala bala mazoo" and Albert, George and Jack stop stone dead.  "The first thing your wives say to you tonight you are going to take literally" and with that he clicks his fingers and they`re back in the room ( bit of contemporary humour there, d`ya see what I did there, d`ya see?)

Albert gets home, and as he sits down he knocks the coffee table. "Bloody hell Al, why don`t you just knock the whole house down while you`re at it" says his wife, and with that Albert wrecks the whole house until it`s just a pile of rubble.  "Fuck me what about George" he says. 

Running round to Georges house he see`s the fire brigade there already, and George stood at the front covered in smoke.  "What happened"? he asks, possibly incredulously.  George says " I got in, lit a fag, dropped my match, and the wife said, why don`t you burn the whole house down"  they both look at each other, remember the Hypno and shout "WHAT ABOUT JACK"!!!!

They run to Jacks house where they find police marksmen, and Jack covered in blood, holding a knife.  "What happened"? They ask.  Jack says "  I got in and all the lights were out except for the kitchen. I walked in, and there`s the wife washing the pots in a short skirt.  I looked underneath, and she`s got no knickers on.  I think to meself, hello, And slip a finger in.  She says "" You can cut that out for a start"".

Heythenkyew.  I`m here all week.

_____________________________

He made me look ridiculous,
And a man in my position cannot afford to be made to look ridiculous

(in reply to blackduck)
Post #: 134
RE: The Jokes Thread - 1/2/2008 11:12:48 PM   
markdavies


Posts: 395
Joined: 15/8/2006
From: Middlesbrough
Beadles family have set up a memorial book.  Entries to be in shorthand only.

_____________________________

He made me look ridiculous,
And a man in my position cannot afford to be made to look ridiculous

(in reply to markdavies)
Post #: 135
RE: The Jokes Thread - 4/2/2008 7:58:48 AM   
Chojin


Posts: 4838
Joined: 29/6/2007
From: Bedfordshire
why was beadle never any good at poker?

he always had a shit hand!







_____________________________

http://chojin.devour.org - Mixes, Contact, Etc
XBL/PSN - Chojin22000

(in reply to homersimpson_esq)
Post #: 136
RE: The Jokes Thread - 6/2/2008 3:00:17 AM   
Squidward Hark Bugle

 

Posts: 9408
Joined: 17/10/2007
From: Splashed
quote:

ORIGINAL: blackduck

knock knock?
who's there?
the interupting cow.
the interup.....
MOOOOO!


Note:
chances are if you try and tell this joke whoever you tell it to will fuck it up by say ing "what?" instead if trying to say "the interupting cow who?"


You can go on to say this:

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's there?
The interrupting sloth.
The interru- (at which point you slowly move your finger towards their chest and poke them)

and then

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's there?
The interrupting completely uncalled for.
The interr-
SLAP!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn1-M5Ze0p8

(in reply to blackduck)
Post #: 137
RE: The Jokes Thread - 6/2/2008 11:05:16 AM   
Achtung Englander


Posts: 895
Joined: 6/12/2005
2001 A Space Odyssey Joke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzK9kMxDcG0

Hello Dave

(in reply to Squidward Hark Bugle)
Post #: 138
RE: The Jokes Thread - 7/2/2008 4:29:57 PM   
Larry of Arabia

 

Posts: 7576
Joined: 28/2/2007
From: Turtle Island
I once knew this girl, they called her a two bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the one on her head breaks.

_____________________________

"Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt."


(in reply to Achtung Englander)
Post #: 139
RE: The Jokes Thread - 7/2/2008 5:00:47 PM   
markdavies


Posts: 395
Joined: 15/8/2006
From: Middlesbrough
I used to go out with a girl whom was schizophrenic.  I had to finish her as she was seeing someone else.

_____________________________

He made me look ridiculous,
And a man in my position cannot afford to be made to look ridiculous

(in reply to Larry of Arabia)
Post #: 140
RE: The Jokes Thread - 8/2/2008 7:45:10 PM   
Mason Verger


Posts: 4724
Joined: 13/1/2006
From: Bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri

What is the difference between religion and spirituality?
Religion is for those who are trying to stay out of hell.
Spirituality is for those who've been through it.


_____________________________

Mind like parachute - only function when open.

Be excellent to each other.

(in reply to markdavies)
Post #: 141
RE: The Jokes Thread - 9/2/2008 5:17:40 AM   
Squidward Hark Bugle

 

Posts: 9408
Joined: 17/10/2007
From: Splashed
One day, Shirley rang up her boyfriend, Tom, and invited him over for dinner at her parents' house, and afterwards they would go out on their own and "do stuff".

Tom, knowing that that meant they were going to have sex together for the first time, got really excited, but worried at the same time, as we was a virgin. He decided to go to the local pharmacist and get advice on protection and whatnot. The pharmacist was very helpful, advising the young man with proper use of condoms and giving him information about contraception and stuff like that. Tom mentioned that it was his first time and he'd probably get particularly down and dirty. The pharmacist shook his head amicably and said, "Oh, you kids. Well, I hope you have fun," and gave him a wink. After a while, Tom thanked the pharmacist and left, with a handful of condoms to call his own.

Later that night, he arrived at Shirley's parents' house and when he walked into the dining room he immediately offered to say grace. He said grace but afterwards, he didn't rise to eat, in fact he lay slumped on the table, his face buried in his arms. After 20 minutes Shirley leaned over to him and whispered, "I didn't know you were so bloody religious."

Tom, without rising, whispered back to her, "I didn't know your dad was a bloody pharmacist!"

(in reply to Mason Verger)
Post #: 142
RE: The Jokes Thread - 9/2/2008 8:43:57 AM   
curve


Posts: 198
Joined: 18/1/2008
I did think about becoming homeless and then I realised that there wasn't much money in it.

_____________________________

There is no tomorrow...

(in reply to Squidward Hark Bugle)
Post #: 143
RE: The Jokes Thread - 9/2/2008 6:06:53 PM   
markdavies


Posts: 395
Joined: 15/8/2006
From: Middlesbrough
quote:

ORIGINAL: curve

I did think about becoming homeless and then I realised that there wasn't much money in it.



Right, deep breath, and away we go.

I used to work as a cloakroom attendant in a karate club, not much
money, but plenty of back handers.
Then I got sacked from the M+M sweets factory, for throwing out all the
w`s.
I went to work in a stable, but there was too much horsing around,
Then I went to work in a milliners for people with micro encephally, but I
couldn`t get my head into it,
So i went to work as a nurse with people with macro
encephally, but there were too many big heads there for my liking.
I eventually ended working in a wool factory, but it
was bobbins.

I worked as an executioner but I couldn't get the hang of it
Soon after that my job at the plastic surgery went
tits up
I was kept busy working as a PA for the Monkees but after
Tork left it petered out

I had a Job in a restaurant, Collecting greasy plates
from tables, it was mostly smashing.
In the Karate place, i had to fasten the robes, which was belting.
At the zoo, i worked in thee aquarium, but there
was something a bit fishy about it.
At the sperm bank, I was let go for not realising
the customer always comes first.
And at the sewage department, i enjoyed it, cos
it`s always nice to meet new faeces.
Then I got a job as a postman, well it`s better than walking the streets.
And then i got a job re-colouring Nuns clothes, couldn`t quite get the
hang of, as I found old habits dye hard.

Finally, I used to have a job at London Zoo circumcising elephants - the pay was
shite but the tips were enormous.


Aaaaythenkyew, Bdum tisch.

_____________________________

He made me look ridiculous,
And a man in my position cannot afford to be made to look ridiculous

(in reply to curve)
Post #: 144
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/2/2008 11:22:40 PM   
The Guyver


Posts: 49
Joined: 20/12/2005
what do you do if you c u m across a lion in the jungle??
Wipe it off and run


_____________________________

follow me on twitter @uexpectme2talk

(in reply to markdavies)
Post #: 145
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/2/2008 11:59:55 PM   
pettsy

 

Posts: 5969
Joined: 30/9/2005
An elderly couple are on holiday in Jerusalem when, sadly, the elderly woman passes away.

The director of the local funeral home takes the man aside and explains his options.

"I'm terribly sorry for your loss, sir.  You'll be pleased to know that, for 500, your wife can be buried here in the Holy Land.  Or we can fly her home for you, at a cost of 2000, so she can be buried in her home country."

The man thinks and says, "I'll take the second option."

The funeral director is slightly puzzled at this and says, "But Sir, your wife can be buried here, in this most holiest of places!  Why would you want to have her taken home, at all that extra cost?"

The widower replies, "Listen sunshine, 2000 years ago a man died here, only to rise again a few days later.  I can't take that risk."

(in reply to The Guyver)
Post #: 146
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/2/2008 4:00:01 PM   
Lady Windermere


Posts: 61
Joined: 29/1/2008
From: Sunderland
Old chinese proverb: 'Man who walks out door sideways with erection is always going to Bangkok'

(in reply to pettsy)
Post #: 147
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/2/2008 4:37:32 PM   
markdavies


Posts: 395
Joined: 15/8/2006
From: Middlesbrough
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lady Windermere

Old chinese proverb: 'Man who walks out door sideways with erection is always going to Bangkok'


Man go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger.

_____________________________

He made me look ridiculous,
And a man in my position cannot afford to be made to look ridiculous

(in reply to Lady Windermere)
Post #: 148
RE: The Jokes Thread - 15/2/2008 2:42:27 PM   
Mason Verger


Posts: 4724
Joined: 13/1/2006
From: Bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri

What is the definition of true love?
A love-bite on a turd.


_____________________________

Mind like parachute - only function when open.

Be excellent to each other.

(in reply to markdavies)
Post #: 149
RE: The Jokes Thread - 16/2/2008 11:04:09 AM   
Manchurian candidate


Posts: 11123
Joined: 13/6/2006
From: A Clear-Thinking Oasis
What do you call an even-minded Grape?

Raisinable!

_____________________________

"Ford's economics are the worst thing that's happened to this country since pantyhose ruined finger-fucking."
Lyndon B. Johnson
"British Beatitudes! Beer, beef, business, bibles, bulldogs, battleships, buggery and bishops"
-Ulysses, By James Joyce
"Rose McGowan is a fucking clown"
-Harry Lime
"Who's Keith"
- Rhubarb

(in reply to Mason Verger)
Post #: 150
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