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RE: The Jokes Thread - 13/12/2007 3:38:13 PM   
ewan w


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/12/2007
From: Barcelona
quote:

ORIGINAL: markdavies

Bloke goes to the Dr complaining of headaches.
The Dr asks "Do you masturbate at all"?
The fella says " yes". 
"Fucking brilliant isn`t it". Says the Dr. 


a mighty YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!!!!

_____________________________

I have the emergency croissant.

(in reply to markdavies)
Post #: 91
RE: The Jokes Thread - 13/12/2007 5:04:46 PM   
igotnewlegs


Posts: 5063
Joined: 11/9/2006
From: The big blue velour marble
 A man with a tiny head walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman turns to another customer and asks, ‘What’s with that guy? He’s got a head the size of an orange! What happened?’ ‘Oh, him?’ the man replies, ‘That’s Dave. He didn’t always have a small head. It all started when he found a lamp in his back garden’.

Dave digs up this lamp, gives it a quick polish and out pops this genie. Not just any genie mind, a female genie. And she’s absolutely stunning. She says to Dave, “He who has released me I grant three wishes. You may wish for anything your heart desires apart from one thing most men wish for and that is to make love to me”

“Damn” says Dave, “That would have been my first wish”. Although cynical Dave says, “OK then lets try this. First I wish I was a billionaire”. The genie snaps her fingers together and suddenly Dave’s house is transformed into a mansion, there are super cars in the drive way and money everywhere. “What is your next wish?” asks the genie. “Please remember you can not wish to have sex with me”.

Although disappointed, Dave is still excited at this point and thinks of his next wish. “OK then, next I want to be the best looking guy on the planet”. The genie snaps her fingers again and transports her self and Dave into the mansion. Dave walks up to the mirror and sees the most handsome man on the planet staring back at him. At this point Dave is really excited and begins to think really hard about his next wish. “What is your next wish? Remember, it cannot be that you wish to make love to me”

As he’s so excited by what’s happened Dave thinks he should try his luck anyway and asks “I wish that you, beautiful genie, would have sex with me in every position possible all night long”. The genie responds, “As I’ve said before you can not have sex with me”. To which Dave replies, “OK then, how about a little head?”

_____________________________

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen


I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
Douglas Adams

(in reply to ewan w)
Post #: 92
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/12/2007 1:45:45 PM   
samthemanc


Posts: 1476
Joined: 20/11/2007
From: here to eternity
 What's got two legs and bleeds?




Half a cat




_____________________________

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. - Winston Churchill

Dying's a day worth living for - Captain Barbossa

(in reply to igotnewlegs)
Post #: 93
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/12/2007 1:53:28 PM   
Squidward Hark Bugle


Posts: 9386
Joined: 17/10/2007
From: Laurel Canyon
 WHAT HAS 50 LEGS BUT CAN'T WALK?

























HALF A CENTIPEDE! MUAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


_____________________________

Science will say what it must.

Melancholia

(in reply to samthemanc)
Post #: 94
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/12/2007 2:19:49 PM   
samthemanc


Posts: 1476
Joined: 20/11/2007
From: here to eternity
 An elderly lady Margaret is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit him being a thorough Man City fan.

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, what do I owe you?"
"Oh no madam i couldn't charge you extra"
"Come now, you've gone to all that trouble of getting that beautiful blue suit"

"Honestly it was no trouble at all you see, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. But his wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied. " So it was simple really all I had to so was swap the heads"

_____________________________

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. - Winston Churchill

Dying's a day worth living for - Captain Barbossa

(in reply to Squidward Hark Bugle)
Post #: 95
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/12/2007 2:24:29 PM   
Squidward Hark Bugle


Posts: 9386
Joined: 17/10/2007
From: Laurel Canyon
quote:

ORIGINAL: samthemanc

An elderly lady Margaret is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit him being a thorough Man City fan.

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, what do I owe you?"
"Oh no madam i couldn't charge you extra"
"Come now, you've gone to all that trouble of getting that beautiful blue suit"

"Honestly it was no trouble at all you see, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. But his wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied. " So it was simple really all I had to so was swap the heads"


That is one of the greatest and most disturbing things I have ever read. Well done.






(Is Man City short for Manchester City, the Football Club? )

_____________________________

Science will say what it must.

Melancholia

(in reply to samthemanc)
Post #: 96
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/12/2007 2:42:15 PM   
igotnewlegs


Posts: 5063
Joined: 11/9/2006
From: The big blue velour marble
 Not sure if I'm alowed to tell this one....

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

am I going to get in trouble for that?

_____________________________

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen


I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
Douglas Adams

(in reply to Squidward Hark Bugle)
Post #: 97
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/12/2007 2:44:36 PM   
Squidward Hark Bugle


Posts: 9386
Joined: 17/10/2007
From: Laurel Canyon
 No, read samthemanc's joke just three posts above. Yours is very small beer indeed when compared with the mighty swapping of heads.

_____________________________

Science will say what it must.

Melancholia

(in reply to igotnewlegs)
Post #: 98
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/12/2007 4:10:50 PM   
samthemanc


Posts: 1476
Joined: 20/11/2007
From: here to eternity
 Thanks guys - heard it about 4 years ago at a new year party. Gotta be my all time favourite joke

And Squidward - you're a SOAD fan, Awesome!

< Message edited by samthemanc -- 14/12/2007 4:11:44 PM >

_____________________________

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. - Winston Churchill

Dying's a day worth living for - Captain Barbossa

(in reply to Squidward Hark Bugle)
Post #: 99
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/12/2007 10:37:13 PM   
Squidward Hark Bugle


Posts: 9386
Joined: 17/10/2007
From: Laurel Canyon
 Gotta love that Serj of Power.

1. Tool
2. Opeth
3. Pink Floyd
4. Marilyn Manson
5. System Of A Down
6. Bjork
7. Cradle Of Filth

_____________________________

Science will say what it must.

Melancholia

(in reply to samthemanc)
Post #: 100
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/12/2007 11:52:47 PM   
homersimpson_esq


Posts: 19969
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield
 Maybe it's because I'm a little tipsy, but those last few were hilarious!

_____________________________

That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne.


TREK WARS

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Post #: 101
RE: The Jokes Thread - 16/12/2007 9:32:40 PM   
Caster


Posts: 5608
Joined: 30/9/2005
This is Dustin Hoffman's fave joke apparently:

Two female ostriches are walking in the desert when they see two male ostriches who have been bothering them approaching.  "Oh god, not them again," says one ostrich.  "Let's hide."  The female ostriches bury their heads in the sand.
Moments later the two males arrive and one says to the other: "Where the fuck did they go?"

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War of the Worlds ****
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Post #: 102
RE: The Jokes Thread - 16/12/2007 10:04:40 PM   
homersimpson_esq


Posts: 19969
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield
 Someone's been filching trivia from the latest issue of Empire, which logic dictates a good proportion of us read 

_____________________________

That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne.


TREK WARS

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Post #: 103
RE: The Jokes Thread - 19/12/2007 5:09:59 PM   
homersimpson_esq


Posts: 19969
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield
 Apologies if it was on this forum that I heard this:

NEWSFLASH: Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found dead in the house of a French footballer. Apparently, it was murder on Zidane's floor...


_____________________________

That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne.


TREK WARS

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Post #: 104
RE: The Jokes Thread - 20/12/2007 12:29:20 AM   
markdavies


Posts: 395
Joined: 15/8/2006
From: Middlesbrough
quote:

ORIGINAL: homersimpson_esq

Apologies if it was on this forum that I heard this:

NEWSFLASH: Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found dead in the house of a French footballer. Apparently, it was murder on Zidane's floor...



oh dear

_____________________________

He made me look ridiculous,
And a man in my position cannot afford to be made to look ridiculous

(in reply to homersimpson_esq)
Post #: 105
RE: The Jokes Thread - 20/12/2007 12:37:25 AM   
Vadersville


Posts: 2903
Joined: 30/9/2005
quote:

ORIGINAL: igotnewlegs

A man with a tiny head walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman turns to another customer and asks, 'What's with that guy? He's got a head the size of an orange! What happened?' 'Oh, him?' the man replies, 'That's Dave. He didn't always have a small head. It all started when he found a lamp in his back garden'.

Dave digs up this lamp, gives it a quick polish and out pops this genie. Not just any genie mind, a female genie. And she's absolutely stunning. She says to Dave, "He who has released me I grant three wishes. You may wish for anything your heart desires apart from one thing most men wish for and that is to make love to me”

"Damn” says Dave, "That would have been my first wish”. Although cynical Dave says, "OK then lets try this. First I wish I was a billionaire”. The genie snaps her fingers together and suddenly Dave's house is transformed into a mansion, there are super cars in the drive way and money everywhere. "What is your next wish?” asks the genie. "Please remember you can not wish to have sex with me”.

Although disappointed, Dave is still excited at this point and thinks of his next wish. "OK then, next I want to be the best looking guy on the planet”. The genie snaps her fingers again and transports her self and Dave into the mansion. Dave walks up to the mirror and sees the most handsome man on the planet staring back at him. At this point Dave is really excited and begins to think really hard about his next wish. "What is your next wish? Remember, it cannot be that you wish to make love to me”

As he's so excited by what's happened Dave thinks he should try his luck anyway and asks "I wish that you, beautiful genie, would have sex with me in every position possible all night long”. The genie responds, "As I've said before you can not have sex with me”. To which Dave replies, "OK then, how about a little head?”


GENIUS!!!


_____________________________

Confusion is a way of life, not a state of mind

(in reply to igotnewlegs)
Post #: 106
RE: The Jokes Thread - 20/12/2007 7:50:33 AM   
homersimpson_esq


Posts: 19969
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield
quote:

ORIGINAL: markdavies

quote:

ORIGINAL: homersimpson_esq

Apologies if it was on this forum that I heard this:

NEWSFLASH: Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found dead in the house of a French footballer. Apparently, it was murder on Zidane's floor...



oh dear


Oh yes! The very definition of a 'groan' jokes, as opposed to a 'lol' joke!


_____________________________

That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne.


TREK WARS

(in reply to markdavies)
Post #: 107
RE: The Jokes Thread - 20/12/2007 8:57:38 AM   
markdavies


Posts: 395
Joined: 15/8/2006
From: Middlesbrough
quote:

ORIGINAL: homersimpson_esq

quote:

ORIGINAL: markdavies

quote:

ORIGINAL: homersimpson_esq

Apologies if it was on this forum that I heard this:

NEWSFLASH: Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found dead in the house of a French footballer. Apparently, it was murder on Zidane's floor...



oh dear


Oh yes! The very definition of a 'groan' jokes, as opposed to a 'lol' joke!



still be telling it at work today, though.

_____________________________

He made me look ridiculous,
And a man in my position cannot afford to be made to look ridiculous

(in reply to homersimpson_esq)
Post #: 108
RE: The Jokes Thread - 27/12/2007 5:46:11 PM   
Squidward Hark Bugle


Posts: 9386
Joined: 17/10/2007
From: Laurel Canyon
 Q. Why are you so fucking fat?

A. Because every time I fuck your grandma she bakes me a cake.

_____________________________

Science will say what it must.

Melancholia

(in reply to markdavies)
Post #: 109
RE: The Jokes Thread - 29/12/2007 7:12:56 PM   
bobatim


Posts: 5608
Joined: 8/4/2006
From: The Killbot Factory!
 Tom and Harry are in the pub having a chat in the pub.

''Tom" Says Harry" If next Saturday when you are at the football, I was to go round to your house, shag your wife, and she gets pregnant with my child, would that make us family?"

Tom ponders this question for a moment and replies

"Well Harry, I don't know if it would make us family, but it would certainly make us even!"


_____________________________

Is he died?


www.penultimateuniverse.blogspot.com




(in reply to Squidward Hark Bugle)
Post #: 110
RE: The Jokes Thread - 31/12/2007 2:14:11 PM   
Mason Verger


Posts: 4724
Joined: 13/1/2006
From: Bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri
 One day a mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him." 



A few years ago, David Copperfield was performing one of his magic shows in London. Towards the end of the show he asks the audience if anyone would like to go up on stage and perform a trick themselves. One bloke in the front row immediately puts his hand up and Copperfield invites him up.
The man says 'I'll need an assistant for this David, can I borrow your Missus for a while?'. Copperfield agrees, and on comes Claudia Schiffer. The man immediately lifts up Claudia's skirt, pulls down her pants and starts shagging her up the arse.
'What are you doing?', says Copperfield, 'That's not a trick!'
'I Know', says the man, 'But it's f*****g magic'.


John McCarthy and Jill Morell alone for the first time since his release from terrorist captivity.
Jill: Can I do anything for you, John?
John: I forget what tits look like. Can I have a look?
Jill: Of course, anything else?
John: Can you take your drawers off so I can see your pussy?
Jill: Of course, anything else?
John: Can we have sex, now?
Jill: Of course, anything else?
John: Can I turn the light out?
Jill: Of course, anything else?
John: Can we do it on the floor?
Jill: Of course, anything else?
John: Can we do it doggy fashion?
Jill: Of course, anything else?
John: Yes ...... can I call you Terry?



A woman walking past a shop sees an advert in the window.
"Good home wanted for clitoris licking frog."
She goes inside and says to the guy behind the counter, "I've come about the clitoris licking frog."
"Oui madame," the assistant says

< Message edited by Mason Verger -- 31/12/2007 9:02:25 PM >

_____________________________

Mind like parachute - only function when open.

Be excellent to each other.

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Post #: 111
RE: The Jokes Thread - 31/12/2007 2:44:25 PM   
Keyser Sozzled


Posts: 5933
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Dublin
 Best said with a strong Dublin accent....

A Chav goes to the doctors as she has been unwell. The doctor tells her to take of her shirt, which she does. The doc then hooks her to a heart monitor and begins checking her left breast. He moves onto to the right breast after about 5 minutes all the while keeping an eye on the monitor.
After about 5 minutes on the righ breast he stops and looks at the young female Chav and says "hmmm Angina".
The Chav responds "Angina?.....I was bleedin' lovin' it"

_____________________________

I have no idea who any of them are, apart from Terry Pratchett who I know has got a beard and keeps going on about killing himself but never does.

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Post #: 112
RE: The Jokes Thread - 2/1/2008 8:42:59 PM   
bobatim


Posts: 5608
Joined: 8/4/2006
From: The Killbot Factory!
 Have you heard about the pregnant bed bug?
Shes having a baby in the spring

_____________________________

Is he died?


www.penultimateuniverse.blogspot.com




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Post #: 113
RE: The Jokes Thread - 2/1/2008 9:41:30 PM   
bobatim


Posts: 5608
Joined: 8/4/2006
From: The Killbot Factory!
 A young boy is admitted to hospital after swallowing a pound coin.

A few days later the mother asks the doctors how he is, the doctor replies

"Sorry still no change"

_____________________________

Is he died?


www.penultimateuniverse.blogspot.com




(in reply to bobatim)
Post #: 114
RE: The Jokes Thread - 2/1/2008 9:49:54 PM   
Keyser_Sose


Posts: 422
Joined: 30/9/2005
Sick joke alert!!! if easily offended don't read on (...and my apologies if already posted)







What's black and full of tits?







The bin bags behind a cancer clinic! ; )

< Message edited by Keyser_Sose -- 2/1/2008 9:50:15 PM >

(in reply to bobatim)
Post #: 115
RE: The Jokes Thread - 2/1/2008 10:21:35 PM   
Lightfoot

 

Posts: 350
Joined: 17/12/2007
How can you tell if the barmaid's pissed off at you?


There's a string in your Bloody Mary.



(in reply to Keyser_Sose)
Post #: 116
RE: The Jokes Thread - 3/1/2008 3:45:03 PM   
Squidward Hark Bugle


Posts: 9386
Joined: 17/10/2007
From: Laurel Canyon
 I'm sexually exhausted.

Use your other hand then.

_____________________________

Science will say what it must.

Melancholia

(in reply to Lightfoot)
Post #: 117
RE: The Jokes Thread - 3/1/2008 10:30:41 PM   
tommyjarvis


Posts: 6609
Joined: 2/11/2005
From: Caught somewhere in time
 How do you catch a bra?

Use a booby trap


What do you get if you cross a gangster and a philosopher?

Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.


How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.

_____________________________

"I've been too honest with myself, I should have lied like everybody else"

My Top 101 Rock Songs - The first Audiophile list to actually get completed!

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Post #: 118
RE: The Jokes Thread - 22/1/2008 1:26:36 PM   
Chojin


Posts: 4659
Joined: 29/6/2007
From: Bedfordshire
 heard one down the pub the other day which really took me by surprise. an instant classic:

a woman goes to the doctors and says she's been raped by an elephant. it goes without saying her fanny was stretched to buggery. the doctor then says:

but elephants penis' are long and thin?

and she replies:

well yeah but he fingered me first.

_____________________________

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(in reply to homersimpson_esq)
Post #: 119
RE: The Jokes Thread - 22/1/2008 2:00:26 PM   
clownfoot


Posts: 7739
Joined: 26/9/2005
From: The ickle town of Fuck, Austria
 St Peter and his mate are in heaven on one of the many numerous golf-courses to be found in the cloud kingdom.

They've played 17 holes and, for the first time in a long while, St Peter is one shot up on his colleague as they approach the 18th. All he needs is his mate to bollocks up his next shot and he's in with a shot of not having to buy the first round at the clubhouse for once! St Peter's first up and cracks a perfect drive down the fairway; he can barely contain the big-wide grin surfacing on his face. His mate, taking little notice of St Peter's attempts to rile him, steps up to the tee. He places his club up to the ball. Takes a practice swing. Twitches his hips slightly. Takes another practice swing. The birds and the animals in the woods behind go quiet in anticipation of the shot.

And then.... LUMP... the ball is pinged down the fairway. St Peter looks up and, yes, yes, he's hooked it, he's bloody hooked it. The ball deviates in flight and heads off deep into the woods to the left. St Peter's on the floor laughing his head off at such a crap drive, fully in the knowledge that there's no way he can lose now. When, all of a sudden, a little bunny rabbit darts out from the woods on the left and runs across the fairway heading towards the pin. St Peter notices the bunny has something in his mouth and a look of horror hits his face. It's his playing partners golf ball. Unbelieveable. The bunny keeps running in the direction of the pin still with the golf ball held tightly in his little bunny mouth. But, from out of nowhere, an eagle swoops down onto the bunny and begins to fly off into the direction of the woods to the right. St Peter looks confused and mumbles under his breath "What the hell's going on?" However, just as the eagle, still holding onto the little bunny rabbit who's holding the golfball in its mouth, is about to reach the edge of the fairway, Farmer Giles comes out of his farmhouse with his shotgun. He points his weapon in the direction of the eagle, still holding onto the bunny that's holding his playing partners ball in his mouth, and… 

BANG! The shot from Farmer Giles gun wings the eagle and his down, his heading down, circling towards the green whilst still clutching onto the bunny, that's still got the golf ball in his mouth. SPLAT! The two creatures hit the ground in a carnival of blood and guts. St Peter looks on hoping that this silliness has ended and he can go back to winning the golf match. Yet, whilst the bunny's corpse is twitching, it let's go of the ball from between its mouth and the ball rolls away up the green. And it keeps on rolling, rolls a bit more, and more still before, inevitably, it gets closer and closer to the pin and then... Plonk! The ball is in the cup

Hole in One!

St Peter's mate turns to St. Peter sporting a rather satisfactory smirk.

St Peter turns to his mate and says "Are you here to play golf God, or are you just going to fuck around!"  


_____________________________

Evil Mod 2 - Hail he who has fallen from the sky to deliver us from the terror of the Deadites!

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http://clownfootsinversemidas.blogspot.com/

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Post #: 120
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