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RE: The Jokes Thread - 12/10/2012 6:59:42 AM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 12192
Joined: 30/9/2005
If Abu Hamza gets the eletric chair, he can stick his hook in the air and pretend he's in a bumper car.

(in reply to sanchia)
Post #: 1141
RE: The Jokes Thread - 21/10/2012 1:39:00 AM   
SadFace

 

Posts: 1816
Joined: 1/1/2008
From: Derbyshire / Leicester
The first rule of Chinese Whispers Club is that you do not talk about Tiny Whiskers Grub.

_____________________________

Tobias, you blowhard.

quote:

ORIGINAL: rawlinson

That's the most wrong I've ever seen someone be on this forum. And both Gimli and Elab post here.

(in reply to Hood_Man)
Post #: 1142
RE: The Jokes Thread - 21/10/2012 3:54:51 PM   
doubtlesswonder


Posts: 2438
Joined: 21/10/2005
From: Yorkshire

quote:

ORIGINAL: SadFace

The first rule of Chinese Whispers Club is that you do not talk about Tiny Whiskers Grub.




_____________________________

quote:

homersimpson_esq
"Will someone please get this motherfuckin' horcrux outta this motherfuckin' snake."


quote:

homersimpson_esq
"See Mr Grey.
See Mr Grey abuse women.
Run women, run."

(in reply to SadFace)
Post #: 1143
RE: The Jokes Thread - 16/12/2012 12:09:37 PM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 12192
Joined: 30/9/2005
"Father Michael!" I shouted to the elderly priest, "Father Michael! It's good to see you again."
"Hello Brian," he responded by taking my outstretched hand. "It's been a long time. I'm surprised you seem so pleased to see me.....after.....well, you know what happened the last time we were together."
I sensed his apprehension. "It's ok Father.. I don't blame you... It was my fault."
"I wish I could feel the same," he said quietly. "But I should have known better."
He turned his head away from me slightly and said quietly, "I'm really sorry. If it's any consolation, I ask God for forgiveness every single night."
"Seriously Father.. It wasn't your fault."
"It's nice of you to say so Brian, but I still feel terribly guilty."
"Don't," I replied, "I was the silly fucker who asked her to marry me."

(in reply to doubtlesswonder)
Post #: 1144
RE: The Jokes Thread - 18/12/2012 8:24:28 AM   
darthbane


Posts: 5750
Joined: 27/10/2005
From: Twelve parsecs outside the Rishi maze
So this guy is strolling around the mall with a pencil in each one of his ears. “Excuse me sir”, said an old lady, “you have pencils in your ears.” “I can’t hear you”, said the guy, “I have pencils in my ears.”

What kind of computer sings?
A Dell

Hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere.



< Message edited by darthbane -- 18/12/2012 8:27:24 AM >


_____________________________

"You're not safe here. No one is" Batman - Arkham City

http://www.invelos.com/dvdcollection.aspx/darthbane

(in reply to Hood_Man)
Post #: 1145
RE: The Jokes Thread - 23/12/2012 5:19:48 PM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 12192
Joined: 30/9/2005
Off colour Christmas joke in 3... 2... 1...



Highlight below:

What do homeless people get at Christmas?

Cold.



Merry Christmas

(in reply to darthbane)
Post #: 1146
RE: The Jokes Thread - 27/12/2012 11:50:39 PM   
Mister Coe

 

Posts: 1561
Joined: 20/10/2012
You know what I hate... those Russian dolls...

They're so full of themselves.

_____________________________

Say what now?

(in reply to Hood_Man)
Post #: 1147
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/1/2013 9:27:21 AM   
jonson


Posts: 9150
Joined: 30/9/2005
My wife said " I bet you can't go a full day without telling jokes about periods"

I said "You're on"

_____________________________

I've got all the Barbie ones!!!

Yeah but you're old. Really old. Old. Old. Old. Old.

(in reply to Mister Coe)
Post #: 1148
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/1/2013 9:30:14 AM   
Rebenectomy


Posts: 5629
Joined: 20/1/2008
From: 10-0-11-0-0 by 0-2
What's brown and lurks at the bottom of the ocean attacking mermaids?


Jack the Kipper.

_____________________________

Body Hair Beautiful: An Armpits for August Special
http://www.lipstogetherandblow.com/2013/07/body-beautiful.html

(in reply to jonson)
Post #: 1149
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/1/2013 10:11:32 AM   
Tafferel


Posts: 187
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Your wardrobe

What do the donkeys on Blackpool Beach get for lunch?




Twenty minutes


(in reply to Rebenectomy)
Post #: 1150
RE: The Jokes Thread - 18/1/2013 8:46:09 PM   
SadFace

 

Posts: 1816
Joined: 1/1/2008
From: Derbyshire / Leicester
A man was dating a girl called Lorraine. They were very happy together, until one day the man met a girl at work called Clearly. The man and Clearly began to hit it off and he eventually realised there was nothing for him to do but break up with Lorraine. He tried to tell her several times but each time backed out at the last second.

Then, one day, the man found out that Lorraine had died in a car accident. At the funeral, his friend came up to him and said, "I'm sorry for your loss."

The man replied, "It's not all bad, I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone."



< Message edited by SadFace -- 18/1/2013 8:48:21 PM >


_____________________________

Tobias, you blowhard.

quote:

ORIGINAL: rawlinson

That's the most wrong I've ever seen someone be on this forum. And both Gimli and Elab post here.

(in reply to Tafferel)
Post #: 1151
RE: The Jokes Thread - 25/2/2013 11:03:57 PM   
Mister Coe

 

Posts: 1561
Joined: 20/10/2012
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's an obscure number... you won't have heard of it.

_____________________________

Say what now?

(in reply to SadFace)
Post #: 1152
RE: The Jokes Thread - 1/5/2013 8:20:27 PM   
Johnny Lawrence

 

Posts: 18
Joined: 28/4/2013
It's Afro Caribbean day at work next week. I'm dreading it.

(in reply to Mister Coe)
Post #: 1153
RE: The Jokes Thread - 4/7/2013 9:18:57 PM   
sanchia


Posts: 18304
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Norwich
Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.
"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.
"Adam."
"That's correct. Enter." Soon another man came along.
"Where did Adam and Eve live?"
"Eden."
That's correct. Enter." Then Mother Theresa came along.
"Ooh, I'll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?"
"Mmm, that IS a hard one."
"Enter."

_____________________________

Nothing to see here.



(in reply to Johnny Lawrence)
Post #: 1154
RE: The Jokes Thread - 5/7/2013 6:53:33 AM   
DancingClown


Posts: 4259
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: The Lot
I don't get it...

_____________________________

Astronomic Tune Boy

'The town knew darkness, and darkness was enough.'

"Storm just bleeewwww me away..."

(in reply to sanchia)
Post #: 1155
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/7/2013 1:53:28 PM   
jonson


Posts: 9150
Joined: 30/9/2005
I've got an aviary at home, but one of my birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80's music.

Our Kestrel Manoeuvres in the Dark.


_____________________________

I've got all the Barbie ones!!!

Yeah but you're old. Really old. Old. Old. Old. Old.

(in reply to DancingClown)
Post #: 1156
RE: The Jokes Thread - 22/7/2013 8:49:43 PM   
Ghidorah

 

Posts: 2932
Joined: 6/10/2005
Not mine


Rumour is that Kate's having a Caesarian. They want the baby to come out through the sunroof as a tribute to its grandmother.

(in reply to jonson)
Post #: 1157
RE: The Jokes Thread - 22/7/2013 9:06:24 PM   
elab49


Posts: 54616
Joined: 1/10/2005
Yeh - because every baby should be greeted with a sick joke about the death of its grandmother.

_____________________________

Lips Together and Blow - blogtasticness and Glasgow Film Festival GFF13!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Deviation] LIKE AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS TOO. IT MADE ME LAUGH A LOT AND THOUGHT IT WAS WITTY. ALSO I FEEL SLOWLY DYING INSIDE. I KEEP AGREEING WITH ELAB.


Annual Poll 2013 - All Lists Welcome

(in reply to Ghidorah)
Post #: 1158
RE: The Jokes Thread - 23/7/2013 1:42:43 PM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 12192
Joined: 30/9/2005
It's weird picturing Diana as a grandmother. She would have been 52 this year, but having died at 36 I can't put "Grandmother" to that face.

(in reply to elab49)
Post #: 1159
RE: The Jokes Thread - 27/8/2013 7:02:17 AM   
sanchia


Posts: 18304
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Norwich
Do not trust atoms, they make up everything.

_____________________________

Nothing to see here.



(in reply to Hood_Man)
Post #: 1160
RE: The Jokes Thread - 22/9/2013 6:02:07 AM   
benny the jet


Posts: 2422
Joined: 27/8/2008
From: Over there
quote:

ORIGINAL: HIM

Someone accused me of being racist today. "I've got loads of black friends!" I protested.

Apparently Dobermans don't count.


Genius

_____________________________

That means we only have thirty minutes to get you up that tree

I fucking love tea. Its my favourite drink after coffee and alcohol

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=585511933

(in reply to HIM)
Post #: 1161
RE: The Jokes Thread - 21/10/2013 10:08:34 AM   
jonson


Posts: 9150
Joined: 30/9/2005
Went to see Milton Jones on Saturday night. Frustratingly, I only remember 2 jokes.


I had goose-bumps before I came on stage. I dressed up as a goose and told a group of geese it was my birthday.

and

My Mum took up knitting to make some money. You could tell it wasn't real though.

_____________________________

I've got all the Barbie ones!!!

Yeah but you're old. Really old. Old. Old. Old. Old.

(in reply to benny the jet)
Post #: 1162
RE: The Jokes Thread - 21/10/2013 2:48:16 PM   
sharkboy


Posts: 6288
Joined: 26/9/2005
From: Belfast
I love the surreality of some of Milton Jones' material, but I've found that he can be a bit hit-and-miss live at times. My favourites are:

"When my grandfather became ill, we started rubbing lard on his back. He went downhill pretty quickly after that"

"While working as a UN war crimes inspector I came across what I thought was a mass grave of snowmen. Turns out it was just a field of carrots"

_____________________________

WWLD?

Every time we think we have measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that capacity may well be limitless

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

(in reply to jonson)
Post #: 1163
RE: The Jokes Thread - 21/10/2013 3:15:59 PM   
horribleives

 

Posts: 5101
Joined: 12/6/2009
From: The North

quote:

ORIGINAL: jonson

Went to see Milton Jones on Saturday night. Frustratingly, I only remember 2 jokes.


I had goose-bumps before I came on stage. I dressed up as a goose and told a group of geese it was my birthday.

and

My Mum took up knitting to make some money. You could tell it wasn't real though.


A comedian who actually tells jokes? I bet Stewart Lee hates him

_____________________________

www.hollywoodunbound.co.uk - some nonsense about alien film directors and musclebound man-children.

(in reply to jonson)
Post #: 1164
RE: The Jokes Thread - 22/10/2013 5:18:57 PM   
sanchia


Posts: 18304
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Norwich
Stewart Francis has some classics.

"I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice."

"Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down."

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

"Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes."


< Message edited by sanchia -- 22/10/2013 5:19:51 PM >


_____________________________

Nothing to see here.



(in reply to horribleives)
Post #: 1165
RE: The Jokes Thread - 22/10/2013 5:38:38 PM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 12192
Joined: 30/9/2005
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.

(in reply to sanchia)
Post #: 1166
RE: The Jokes Thread - 23/10/2013 7:55:18 AM   
jonson


Posts: 9150
Joined: 30/9/2005
Bastard

_____________________________

I've got all the Barbie ones!!!

Yeah but you're old. Really old. Old. Old. Old. Old.

(in reply to Hood_Man)
Post #: 1167
RE: The Jokes Thread - 23/10/2013 4:13:34 PM   
homersimpson_esq


Posts: 20121
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield
Git.

_____________________________

That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne.


Bristol Bad Film Club
A place where movie fans can come and behold some of the most awful films ever put to celluloid.

(in reply to jonson)
Post #: 1168
RE: The Jokes Thread - 27/10/2013 5:35:04 PM   
sanchia


Posts: 18304
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Norwich


_____________________________

Nothing to see here.



(in reply to homersimpson_esq)
Post #: 1169
RE: The Jokes Thread - 27/10/2013 6:46:13 PM   
ChickMagnet

 

Posts: 1765
Joined: 19/5/2008
From: Salford
I stole a clock yesterday.

Don't worry I put it back last night

(in reply to sanchia)
Post #: 1170
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