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RE: The Jokes Thread

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RE: The Jokes Thread - 8/4/2012 2:51:23 PM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 11271
Joined: 30/9/2005
We celebrate Jesus brutally dying on the cross by getting a giant bunny rabbit to hide chocolate eggs.

I can't help but feel there is a massive gap in information somewhere.

(in reply to Hood_Man)
Post #: 1111
RE: The Jokes Thread - 8/4/2012 2:54:01 PM   
NinjaShortbread212


Posts: 4542
Joined: 26/4/2011
From: Edinburger, Scottyland
 ^ This.

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Art

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Post #: 1112
RE: The Jokes Thread - 8/4/2012 3:03:39 PM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 11271
Joined: 30/9/2005
What, too soon?

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Post #: 1113
RE: The Jokes Thread - 8/4/2012 3:04:37 PM   
NinjaShortbread212


Posts: 4542
Joined: 26/4/2011
From: Edinburger, Scottyland
 No, not at all....





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Art

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Post #: 1114
RE: The Jokes Thread - 9/4/2012 11:02:56 PM   
NinjaShortbread212


Posts: 4542
Joined: 26/4/2011
From: Edinburger, Scottyland
 The worst thing about getting hit in the face with Pi is that it never ends...



Badum tish. Thank you, thank you.

_____________________________

Art

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Post #: 1115
RE: The Jokes Thread - 12/4/2012 12:46:41 AM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 11271
Joined: 30/9/2005
"You won't like me when I'm angry.

Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."

The Credible Hulk.

(in reply to NinjaShortbread212)
Post #: 1116
RE: The Jokes Thread - 24/4/2012 3:20:59 PM   
darthbane


Posts: 5739
Joined: 27/10/2005
From: Twelve parsecs outside the Rishi maze
 I got a good deal when I subscribed to Classical Music Magazine.
They sent me all the Bach issues.



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"You're not safe here. No one is" Batman - Arkham City

http://www.invelos.com/dvdcollection.aspx/darthbane

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Post #: 1117
RE: The Jokes Thread - 24/4/2012 7:46:53 PM   
homersimpson_esq


Posts: 19969
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield
 conjunctivitis.com - A site for sore eyes.


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That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne.


TREK WARS

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Post #: 1118
RE: The Jokes Thread - 24/4/2012 7:47:32 PM   
homersimpson_esq


Posts: 19969
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield
 What do you do if you come upon a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.


_____________________________

That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne.


TREK WARS

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Post #: 1119
RE: The Jokes Thread - 24/4/2012 8:00:55 PM   
sanchia


Posts: 16701
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Norwich
quote:

ORIGINAL: homersimpson_esq

conjunctivitis.com - A site for sore eyes.




Best joke of the year for Tim Vine.

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Nothing to see here.



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Post #: 1120
RE: The Jokes Thread - 25/4/2012 1:15:04 PM   
darthbane


Posts: 5739
Joined: 27/10/2005
From: Twelve parsecs outside the Rishi maze
 I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls.
They're so full of themselves.

Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?
Find out after the break

My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away.
That's a bit far-fetched

My mate said the drink I bought him tasted funny.
It was a cheap shot

With my victims, I like to: SNAP their necks, CRACKLE them over a fire, then POP my cock into them
Jesus Christ, I really am one fucked up cereal killer..


_____________________________

"You're not safe here. No one is" Batman - Arkham City

http://www.invelos.com/dvdcollection.aspx/darthbane

(in reply to sanchia)
Post #: 1121
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/5/2012 9:17:04 AM   
sharkboy


Posts: 6029
Joined: 26/9/2005
From: Belfast
 A man asks his wife to tell him something that will make him both happy and sad at the same time.  His wife replies "you've got the biggest cock of all your friends".

_____________________________

WWLD?

Every time we think we have measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that capacity may well be limitless

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

(in reply to darthbane)
Post #: 1122
RE: The Jokes Thread - 24/5/2012 8:44:14 AM   
darthbane


Posts: 5739
Joined: 27/10/2005
From: Twelve parsecs outside the Rishi maze
A man burst into a doctor's office and yells at the top of his voice, "Doctor, I'm shrinking! Quick, help me! I'm shrinking!"
The doc replies, "look, I'm seeing someone at the moment, so you'll just have to be a little patient!"


_____________________________

"You're not safe here. No one is" Batman - Arkham City

http://www.invelos.com/dvdcollection.aspx/darthbane

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Post #: 1123
RE: The Jokes Thread - 24/5/2012 8:52:45 AM   
darthbane


Posts: 5739
Joined: 27/10/2005
From: Twelve parsecs outside the Rishi maze
 A dog walks into the job centre and says to the woman at the desk, "Hello, love, what's on offer this week?"
She exclaims, "A talking dog! There should be a job at circus for you!"
The dog looks confused and replies, "why would a circus need a plumber?"

_____________________________

"You're not safe here. No one is" Batman - Arkham City

http://www.invelos.com/dvdcollection.aspx/darthbane

(in reply to darthbane)
Post #: 1124
RE: The Jokes Thread - 24/5/2012 10:12:13 AM   
st3veebee


Posts: 2354
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: 9303 Lyon Drive
 That reminds me of:

A Grasshopper walks into a bar and goes up to the Bartender to ask for a pint.

"No Problem" says the Bartender, who then stops "Say, did you know there's a drink named after you?"

"Really?" replies the Grasshopper " Why would somebody name a drink Geoffrey?"

.
.
.


(pause for laughter)

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Latest Films:

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Abe Lincoln: VH 3/5

Twin Peaks: FWWM 3.5/5

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Post #: 1125
RE: The Jokes Thread - 11/6/2012 10:50:38 PM   
homersimpson_esq


Posts: 19969
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield
 Dear all, I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm. If you can't come, let me know.

_____________________________

That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne.


TREK WARS

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Post #: 1126
RE: The Jokes Thread - 12/6/2012 8:54:18 AM   
Le Tenia


Posts: 1115
Joined: 4/3/2006
From: Blue Heaven
 My wife's sister knocked me out yesterday. I was so fucking angry! What sort of sick bitch puts chlorophorm on her dirty knickers?



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" It's the age-old irony of the liberal left, they practice oppression and call it equality. "


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Post #: 1127
RE: The Jokes Thread - 12/6/2012 10:00:24 AM   
sharkboy


Posts: 6029
Joined: 26/9/2005
From: Belfast
 I asked my wife for a wank last night and to my surprise she started rubbing my knob with her keyring.  Personally, I think she was just trying to fob me off...

_____________________________

WWLD?

Every time we think we have measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that capacity may well be limitless

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

(in reply to Le Tenia)
Post #: 1128
RE: The Jokes Thread - 12/6/2012 12:30:53 PM   
Le Tenia


Posts: 1115
Joined: 4/3/2006
From: Blue Heaven
 An old lady says to her husband - "My nipples are as hot today as they were 50 years ago". The husband replies - "They ought to be, one's in your coffee and the others in your porridge".

A catholic priest is shot and rushed to hospital. On the way to theatre he whispers to the nurse - "Am i in heaven?". The nurse replies - "No, we're just cutting through the children's ward".



_____________________________

" It's the age-old irony of the liberal left, they practice oppression and call it equality. "


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Post #: 1129
RE: The Jokes Thread - 13/6/2012 2:14:31 PM   
SadFace


Posts: 1419
Joined: 1/1/2008
From: Derbyshire / Leicester
 A man walks into a bakery that has a sign in the window which says 'All cakes a pound'. The man points at a cake on the top shelf and says to baker, "how much is that cake?"
"A pound," replies the baker.
The man then points to a cake on the bottom shelf and again says to the baker, "how much is that cake?"
"A pound," replies the baker.
The man then points to a cake on the middle shelf and says to the baker, "okay, how much is that cake?"
"Pound fifty," replies the baker.
"But I thought all your cakes were a pound," said the man.
"Aye," said the baker, "but that's Madeira cake."

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Tobias, you blowhard.

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Post #: 1130
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/7/2012 11:18:54 AM   
MOTH

 

Posts: 3171
Joined: 3/10/2005
From: Sittin' on the dock of the bay
 The Higgs Boson particle walks into a catholic church.
Priest says "What are you doing here?"
HB says "You can't have mass without me"


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I've only gone and set up a blog! This week I've been mostly paying tribute to Ray Harryhausen and reviewing The French Connection double bill Click : The Fast Picture Show

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Post #: 1131
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/7/2012 11:24:49 AM   
st3veebee


Posts: 2354
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: 9303 Lyon Drive
 Why did he Leper lose the game of Poker?

He threw in his hand




What did the Leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

_____________________________

Latest Films:

Two days in New York: 4/5

Prometheus: 3.5/5

Abe Lincoln: VH 3/5

Twin Peaks: FWWM 3.5/5

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Post #: 1132
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/7/2012 4:34:50 PM   
homersimpson_esq


Posts: 19969
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield
 Antiquing doesn't make you gay, but it does make you buy curios.

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That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne.


TREK WARS

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Post #: 1133
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/7/2012 7:07:53 PM   
HIM


Posts: 9685
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Star Trekkin', across the universe
quote:

ORIGINAL: MOTH

The Higgs Boson particle walks into a catholic church.
Priest says "What are you doing here?"
HB says "You can't have mass without me"


Strictly speaking it isn't the Higgs particle that gives atoms mass, it's the Higgs field.

(in reply to MOTH)
Post #: 1134
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/7/2012 7:22:33 PM   
sanchia


Posts: 16701
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Norwich
quote:

ORIGINAL: homersimpson_esq

Antiquing doesn't make you gay, but it does make you buy curios.




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Nothing to see here.



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Post #: 1135
RE: The Jokes Thread - 11/7/2012 10:15:44 PM   
darthbane


Posts: 5739
Joined: 27/10/2005
From: Twelve parsecs outside the Rishi maze
 Do you know what shocked me today?
Finding out that my toaster isn't waterproof.


_____________________________

"You're not safe here. No one is" Batman - Arkham City

http://www.invelos.com/dvdcollection.aspx/darthbane

(in reply to sanchia)
Post #: 1136
RE: The Jokes Thread - 12/7/2012 8:40:30 AM   
sanchia


Posts: 16701
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Norwich
 Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his friend, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His friend said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first chap did just that. The next day his friend asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."


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Nothing to see here.



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Post #: 1137
RE: The Jokes Thread - 12/7/2012 8:30:31 PM   
Skiba


Posts: 4162
Joined: 24/11/2005
From: London
 Just spent a week building a time machine.
That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

_____________________________

Have a good time, all the time.

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Post #: 1138
RE: The Jokes Thread - 12/7/2012 9:20:50 PM   
Harry Tuttle


Posts: 7497
Joined: 12/11/2005
From: Sometime in the future.
 My dog wouldn't stop attacking people on a bicycle. In the end I had to take the bike off him.

_____________________________

Acting...Naturaaal

Your knowledge of scientific biological transmogrification is only outmatched by your zest for kung-fu treachery!

Blood Island. So called because it's the exact shape of some blood

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Post #: 1139
RE: The Jokes Thread - 12/7/2012 9:58:44 PM   
sanchia


Posts: 16701
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Norwich
 A man goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The man replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

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Nothing to see here.



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Post #: 1140
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