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RE: The Jokes Thread - 5/2/2012 1:53:38 AM   
Miles Messervy 007


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What's your sig from, Hood_Man?

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RE: The Jokes Thread - 5/2/2012 8:55:34 PM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 12151
Joined: 30/9/2005
quote:

ORIGINAL: Miles Messervy 007

What's your sig from, Hood_Man?

I've paraphrased one of the posts in the Life's Too Short thread in Small Screen. I can't remember who said it I'm afraid, but I thought it was a brilliant comeback to an annoying argument

(in reply to Miles Messervy 007)
Post #: 1082
RE: The Jokes Thread - 6/2/2012 9:49:07 AM   
shool


Posts: 10062
Joined: 24/3/2006
From: In The Pipe, Five by Five.
Urm... Can we get back to telling jokes now?

Q: What does a clock do when it's hungry?
A: Goes back 4 secounds!!!

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Post #: 1083
RE: The Jokes Thread - 6/2/2012 9:56:42 AM   
Rebenectomy


Posts: 5629
Joined: 20/1/2008
From: 10-0-11-0-0 by 0-2

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pigeon Army

RARR RARR I'M A DUNGEON DRAGON RARR RARR I'M A DUNGEON DRAGON

DON'T MAKE ME UNLEASH THE DRAGON BRO I'LL DO IT


Are you Albi the Racist Dragon?


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Post #: 1084
RE: The Jokes Thread - 6/2/2012 10:45:07 AM   
jonson


Posts: 9004
Joined: 30/9/2005
Here's a joke. The moderation of this thread. For fuck's sake move on.

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I've got all the Barbie ones!!!

Yeah but you're old. Really old. Old. Old. Old. Old.

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Post #: 1085
RE: The Jokes Thread - 6/2/2012 10:59:22 AM   
Rebenectomy


Posts: 5629
Joined: 20/1/2008
From: 10-0-11-0-0 by 0-2
It a Flight of the Concords reference, thought PA would appreciate it being from Australia 'n all.

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Post #: 1086
RE: The Jokes Thread - 6/2/2012 11:19:53 AM   
jonson


Posts: 9004
Joined: 30/9/2005

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rebenectomy

It a Flight of the Concords reference, thought PA would appreciate it being from Australia 'n all.


Oh, ok, sorry. It wasn't a personal dig but this thread needs getting back on track, I can only see people in green fanning flames (which has been going on for some time now - in a lot of threads) rather than "moderating" as such. I knew I shouldn't have turned Modship down all those years ago, the forum would be a lot better with me wielding the authority.

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I've got all the Barbie ones!!!

Yeah but you're old. Really old. Old. Old. Old. Old.

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Post #: 1087
RE: The Jokes Thread - 6/2/2012 11:26:37 AM   
Rebenectomy


Posts: 5629
Joined: 20/1/2008
From: 10-0-11-0-0 by 0-2
In fairness, I didn't realise until afterwards that this was the same thread as the previous few nights uproar. I just like Flight of the Conchords.

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Post #: 1088
RE: The Jokes Thread - 6/2/2012 11:39:37 AM   
shool


Posts: 10062
Joined: 24/3/2006
From: In The Pipe, Five by Five.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment...




“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”



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"No one knows what it means, but it's provocative... It gets the people going!"

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Post #: 1089
RE: The Jokes Thread - 6/2/2012 12:06:49 PM   
Pigeon Army


Posts: 14612
Joined: 29/1/2006
From: Pixar HQ, George Lucas' Office.

quote:

ORIGINAL: jonson

Here's a joke. The moderation of this thread. For fuck's sake move on.




You had your chance to be green.

Anyway, in the spirit of this thread -

When do you take your Pokémon to the doctor?
When it's Koffing!

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ORIGINAL: Rinc
She's supposed to be 13! I'd want her to be very attractive though


quote:

ORIGINAL: MonsterCat
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pigeon Army
Stop being mean to Deviation

No.

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Post #: 1090
RE: The Jokes Thread - 6/2/2012 12:25:44 PM   
Scott_

 

Posts: 4154
Joined: 26/6/2008
From: Leeds

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pigeon Army

When do you take your Pokémon to the doctor?
When it's Koffing!


Haha! Not quite as good as Olafs Drowzee joke though.

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Post #: 1091
RE: The Jokes Thread - 6/2/2012 1:03:57 PM   
Chief


Posts: 7773
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Banshee

quote:

ORIGINAL: Scott_


quote:

ORIGINAL: Pigeon Army

When do you take your Pokémon to the doctor?
When it's Koffing!


Haha! Not quite as good as Olafs Drowzee joke though.


Arse licker. Why don't you just marry Olaf?

(in reply to Scott_)
Post #: 1092
RE: The Jokes Thread - 6/2/2012 2:01:10 PM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 12151
Joined: 30/9/2005

quote:

ORIGINAL: jonson

Here's a joke. The moderation of this thread. For fuck's sake move on.

Ooooof! Cutting deep there!

I've got a joke that only really works when you say it to someone out loud;

Winston Churchill was a nobody, he didn't achieve anything worthwhile or memorable at all and I'll prove it.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Winston.
...

Most people will say "Winston who?" at which point you can point at them and say "told you so!"

(in reply to jonson)
Post #: 1093
RE: The Jokes Thread - 8/2/2012 4:29:40 PM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 12151
Joined: 30/9/2005
It must be very hard to prove that Viagra works.

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Post #: 1094
RE: The Jokes Thread - 8/2/2012 5:02:51 PM   
darthbane


Posts: 5750
Joined: 27/10/2005
From: Twelve parsecs outside the Rishi maze
Last night I watched a porno where a wrestler turned Hollywood movie star fucked someone on top of a stale fish. Safe to say, she was stuck between The Rock and a hard plaice.

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Post #: 1095
RE: The Jokes Thread - 8/2/2012 5:06:10 PM   
darthbane


Posts: 5750
Joined: 27/10/2005
From: Twelve parsecs outside the Rishi maze
I sat my son down last night to tell him the some news.
"Son" I said sheepishly, "i've got some good news and some bad news"
"Whats the bad news Dad?" he said tears already welling up inside him.
"Well, your mother has just come back from hospital and the doctors have told her shes got cancer, shes got 3 weeks to live"
He started crying uncontrollably at this point.
"Thats not all" i said, "When you were born you had a tumour on your brain that the doctors couldnt remove, and they said by the time you are 4 it will probably cause you to die."
He looked at me and said "but thats next week"
I just nodded and hugged him.
"Don't worry son, we will make sure we spend the next couple of weeks doing everything together and enjoy what little time as a family we have"
He started to calm down at this point and even looked happy at the prospect of Disneyland, then he said,
"Whats the good news"
"Well, with that fucking backstory i'm at least guaranteed a place in at the final of Britains got talent"

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Post #: 1096
RE: The Jokes Thread - 8/2/2012 5:58:32 PM   
sanchia


Posts: 18134
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Norwich
The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of the female and said, "the female has two breasts and one vagina."

She then pointed to the male picture and said, "The male has one penis."

Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, "That's wrong teacher."

"Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" begged the teacher.

My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny. "One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!"

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Post #: 1097
RE: The Jokes Thread - 9/2/2012 8:13:59 AM   
jonson


Posts: 9004
Joined: 30/9/2005
This is nicked from last years Milton Jones tour. It's a good barometer of people's intelligence actually. I'd say 50% of the audience got it within the 1-5 second threshold (I was at the latter end ) and the rest needed it explaining.
His dry delivery was key to the joke.


"Wolfgang!" shouted Mozart's friend.
"What?" replied Mozart.
Too late.
They were both eaten by a gang of wolves.

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I've got all the Barbie ones!!!

Yeah but you're old. Really old. Old. Old. Old. Old.

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Post #: 1098
RE: The Jokes Thread - 9/2/2012 3:59:29 PM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 12151
Joined: 30/9/2005
I'm having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?

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Post #: 1099
RE: The Jokes Thread - 9/2/2012 6:59:06 PM   
sanchia


Posts: 18134
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Norwich
Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

Obviously, he knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except... that he has a black condom over his manhood.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

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Post #: 1100
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/2/2012 4:25:12 PM   
gazpop


Posts: 2490
Joined: 26/6/2010
From: 666 Godwin Street, Naziland
Subject: The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman  
Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'   Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £998.
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Funny in a depressingly true way.............the joke's on all of us I guess


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Yeah, that's real fine expensive gear you brought out here, Mr. Hooper.'Course I don't know what that bastard shark's gonna do with it-might eat it I suppose. Seen one eat a rockin' chair one time. Hey chieffy, next time you just ask me which line to pull

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Post #: 1101
RE: The Jokes Thread - 18/2/2012 2:40:57 PM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 12151
Joined: 30/9/2005
A dog walks into a bar. The barman says, "Excuse me, but whose dog is this? The sign outside clearly says NO DOGS ALLOWED"

The dog says, "Well, I'm not just any dog you know."

The barman says, "So what makes you so special?"

(in reply to gazpop)
Post #: 1102
RE: The Jokes Thread - 18/2/2012 6:10:01 PM   
gazpop


Posts: 2490
Joined: 26/6/2010
From: 666 Godwin Street, Naziland
Horse walks into a bar, barman says, ''sorry. we don't serve horses....fuck off!''
better??

< Message edited by gazpop -- 21/2/2012 12:12:10 PM >


_____________________________

Yeah, that's real fine expensive gear you brought out here, Mr. Hooper.'Course I don't know what that bastard shark's gonna do with it-might eat it I suppose. Seen one eat a rockin' chair one time. Hey chieffy, next time you just ask me which line to pull

(in reply to Hood_Man)
Post #: 1103
RE: The Jokes Thread - 21/2/2012 11:42:49 AM   
darthbane


Posts: 5750
Joined: 27/10/2005
From: Twelve parsecs outside the Rishi maze
Me and my mates used to be in this 80's goth/pop band called The Prevention. We weren't very good, but we were better than The Cure.

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Post #: 1104
RE: The Jokes Thread - 21/2/2012 12:11:39 PM   
gazpop


Posts: 2490
Joined: 26/6/2010
From: 666 Godwin Street, Naziland

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hood_Man

A dog walks into a bar. The barman says, "Excuse me, but whose dog is this? The sign outside clearly says NO DOGS ALLOWED"

The dog says, "Well, I'm not just any dog you know."

The barman says, "So what makes you so special?"


It's cos he can talk, right? Took me aaaaages....

_____________________________

Yeah, that's real fine expensive gear you brought out here, Mr. Hooper.'Course I don't know what that bastard shark's gonna do with it-might eat it I suppose. Seen one eat a rockin' chair one time. Hey chieffy, next time you just ask me which line to pull

(in reply to Hood_Man)
Post #: 1105
RE: The Jokes Thread - 17/3/2012 9:47:57 AM   
jonson


Posts: 9004
Joined: 30/9/2005
I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as oral high Jean.

_____________________________

I've got all the Barbie ones!!!

Yeah but you're old. Really old. Old. Old. Old. Old.

(in reply to gazpop)
Post #: 1106
RE: The Jokes Thread - 20/3/2012 5:53:54 PM   
sanchia


Posts: 18134
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Norwich
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself, with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.

Finally, after a week the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"

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Post #: 1107
RE: The Jokes Thread - 20/3/2012 6:08:28 PM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 12151
Joined: 30/9/2005

quote:

ORIGINAL: gazpop


quote:

ORIGINAL: Hood_Man

A dog walks into a bar. The barman says, "Excuse me, but whose dog is this? The sign outside clearly says NO DOGS ALLOWED"

The dog says, "Well, I'm not just any dog you know."

The barman says, "So what makes you so special?"


It's cos he can talk, right? Took me aaaaages....


(in reply to gazpop)
Post #: 1108
RE: The Jokes Thread - 22/3/2012 1:01:37 PM   
st3veebee


Posts: 2353
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: 9303 Lyon Drive
First joke on the thread, has to be a winner:

TAKE THIS



What did 0 say to 8?


Nice Belt.

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Post #: 1109
RE: The Jokes Thread - 5/4/2012 10:16:22 PM   
Hood_Man


Posts: 12151
Joined: 30/9/2005
I was overjoyed when a letter from my Psychiatrist told me I no longer needed treatment.

"Thanks!" I said.

"No problem", it replied.

(in reply to st3veebee)
Post #: 1110
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