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RE: The Jokes Thread - 7/12/2007 3:02:34 PM   
Sumintelligentguy


Posts: 3607
Joined: 31/8/2006
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kilo_T_Mortal

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sledge Hammer

What do Mexicans put under their carpets?

Underlay, Underlay....


I'm here all week.................


Why did the Mexican push his wife over the cliff?

Tequila


how do mexicans keep warm?

they use chicken fajitas

and

they're thinkin about introducing origami into the olympics

but you can only catch it on pay-per view.


_____________________________

"Snake? Snaaaake? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!?"

quote:

ORIGINAL: BatFan

You're just a cunt. If i'm gonna get a ban then fine. Ever since I joined this forum I thought you were a massive cunt. Feels good to say it.


R.I.P. Punchy

(in reply to Kilo_T_Mortal)
Post #: 61
RE: The Jokes Thread - 7/12/2007 3:12:11 PM   
Jessica_ca_ca_ca


Posts: 30072
Joined: 4/1/2006
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?

…

One looks up your family tree and the other looks up your family bush.

_____________________________

You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

(in reply to Sumintelligentguy)
Post #: 62
RE: The Jokes Thread - 7/12/2007 3:19:14 PM   
Ted Striker


Posts: 817
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Trowbridge
 I just bought a teddy bear for a fiver.
I intend to sell it for a tenner.
Is that some kind of prophet?

(in reply to homersimpson_esq)
Post #: 63
RE: The Jokes Thread - 7/12/2007 3:33:31 PM   
homersimpson_esq


Posts: 19969
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield
 heh, heard that one the other day, ted. Only it was. "I heard a man bought a teddy bear for £5 and sold it for £10 on ebay. He made a little profit."

_____________________________

That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne.


TREK WARS

(in reply to Ted Striker)
Post #: 64
RE: The Jokes Thread - 7/12/2007 3:44:53 PM   
samthemanc


Posts: 1476
Joined: 20/11/2007
From: here to eternity
 What's red and sits up a tree?


A sanitary owl

_____________________________

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. - Winston Churchill

Dying's a day worth living for - Captain Barbossa

(in reply to homersimpson_esq)
Post #: 65
RE: The Jokes Thread - 7/12/2007 3:48:53 PM   
Kilo_T_Mortal


Posts: 13521
Joined: 30/9/2005
Whats the difference between Father Christmas and a tin of baked beans?

Neither has a beard except Father Christmas

_____________________________

he's ruining my buestiful threat!

"She must have known about all this before she let that grinning loon put his space-cock anywhere near her?"
horribleives

(in reply to samthemanc)
Post #: 66
RE: The Jokes Thread - 7/12/2007 3:49:50 PM   
Kilo_T_Mortal


Posts: 13521
Joined: 30/9/2005
EDIT: Don't read if sensitive.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

[punchline] Getting raped. [/punchline]

< Message edited by Kilo_T_Mortal -- 7/12/2007 3:51:46 PM >

_____________________________

he's ruining my buestiful threat!

"She must have known about all this before she let that grinning loon put his space-cock anywhere near her?"
horribleives

(in reply to samthemanc)
Post #: 67
RE: The Jokes Thread - 7/12/2007 3:56:07 PM   
Squidward Hark Bugle


Posts: 9386
Joined: 17/10/2007
From: Laurel Canyon
 Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
quote:

Because it was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
quote:

Because it was also dead.

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
quote:

It was stapled to one of the dead koalas.


Why did the boy fall off his bike?
quote:

Because someone threw a fridge at him.


Why did the cat fall off the roof?
quote:

Because the alligator pushed him.


What flavour ice cream would you like?
I don't know; I left my bike outside.

_____________________________

Science will say what it must.

Melancholia

(in reply to Kilo_T_Mortal)
Post #: 68
RE: The Jokes Thread - 7/12/2007 3:58:06 PM   
samthemanc


Posts: 1476
Joined: 20/11/2007
From: here to eternity
 what's green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell on you?




a snooker table!!

_____________________________

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. - Winston Churchill

Dying's a day worth living for - Captain Barbossa

(in reply to Squidward Hark Bugle)
Post #: 69
RE: The Jokes Thread - 7/12/2007 5:27:35 PM   
homersimpson_esq


Posts: 19969
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield
quote:

ORIGINAL: Squidward Hark Bugle

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
quote:

Because it was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
quote:

Because it was also dead.

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
quote:

It was stapled to one of the dead koalas.



you could continue and conclude:

Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
- It thought it was a trend.

Why did the tree fall over?
- It thought it was a koala.

(Oh, and btw squidward, it's [ color=#F1F1F1] [ /color] for the grey colour so you can hide text without having to do that pesky quote to get the white background...)


_____________________________

That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne.


TREK WARS

(in reply to Squidward Hark Bugle)
Post #: 70
RE: The Jokes Thread - 7/12/2007 11:26:38 PM   
markdavies


Posts: 395
Joined: 15/8/2006
From: Middlesbrough
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sumintelligentguy

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kilo_T_Mortal

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sledge Hammer

What do Mexicans put under their carpets?

Underlay, Underlay....


I'm here all week.................


Why did the Mexican push his wife over the cliff?

Tequila


how do mexicans keep warm?

they use chicken fajitas

and

they're thinkin about introducing origami into the olympics

but you can only catch it on pay-per view.



What did the mexican carwash attendant call his two sons?

hose a and hose b.

aaayytheenkyew.  bdumtisch.



_____________________________

He made me look ridiculous,
And a man in my position cannot afford to be made to look ridiculous

(in reply to Sumintelligentguy)
Post #: 71
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/12/2007 12:15:04 PM   
mayo12


Posts: 724
Joined: 7/7/2007
From: LV426
 What do you call two Mexicans playing football?


Juan on Juan

_____________________________

If there was a day I could live. A single breath I could take. I'd trade all the others away...

"Fucking Chuck Norris."

(in reply to markdavies)
Post #: 72
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/12/2007 12:37:16 PM   
markdavies


Posts: 395
Joined: 15/8/2006
From: Middlesbrough
 How do you kill a blue elephant?
with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
Tie a  knot in it`s trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you fit four elephants into a red mini?
two in the front, two in the back.
How do you know when you have elephants in your fridge?
theres a red mini parked outside.
Dr Whos favourite snack.
Dalek bread.

_____________________________

He made me look ridiculous,
And a man in my position cannot afford to be made to look ridiculous

(in reply to mayo12)
Post #: 73
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/12/2007 12:37:59 PM   
markdavies


Posts: 395
Joined: 15/8/2006
From: Middlesbrough
quote:

ORIGINAL: mayo12

What do you call two Mexicans playing football?


Juan on Juan


tremendous

_____________________________

He made me look ridiculous,
And a man in my position cannot afford to be made to look ridiculous

(in reply to mayo12)
Post #: 74
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/12/2007 12:41:09 PM   
homersimpson_esq


Posts: 19969
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield
 What's the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?
- Snowballs.


What did Santa say to the three prostitutes?
- Ho ho ho.

_____________________________

That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne.


TREK WARS

(in reply to markdavies)
Post #: 75
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/12/2007 12:49:23 PM   
Squidward Hark Bugle


Posts: 9386
Joined: 17/10/2007
From: Laurel Canyon
 ((Aso, 'tworks.))

Why did the man throw a rock out of the window?
((Because it was on his chest.))

Why did the man jump out of the window?
((Because the rock was tied to his right testicle.))

Why did the man shoot himself?
((Because his left testicle was tied to a doorknob.))

_____________________________

Science will say what it must.

Melancholia

(in reply to homersimpson_esq)
Post #: 76
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/12/2007 1:12:15 PM   
Chojin


Posts: 4659
Joined: 29/6/2007
From: Bedfordshire
 what's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

the wheelchair


edit: one for the mexican joke lovers (my all time fave)

a mexican student was walking down the road when suddenly all his papers blew out of his backpack and down the road. what did he say?

'COME BACK HERE ESSAY!'

edit2: another sprung to mind

what did the mexican say when two houses fell on top of him?

'GET OFF ME HOMES!'


< Message edited by Chojin -- 10/12/2007 1:14:19 PM >

_____________________________

http://chojin.devour.org - Mixes, Contact, Etc
XBL/PSN - Chojin22000

(in reply to Squidward Hark Bugle)
Post #: 77
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/12/2007 2:19:57 PM   
bobatim


Posts: 5606
Joined: 8/4/2006
From: The Killbot Factory!
 Why was Russell Crowe grinning after giving oral to his wife?

Because he was Glad-he-ate-her

What does Russell Crowe use to give his hair more body?

Maxi-Mousse






_____________________________

Is he died?


www.penultimateuniverse.blogspot.com




(in reply to Chojin)
Post #: 78
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/12/2007 3:14:12 PM   
mayo12


Posts: 724
Joined: 7/7/2007
From: LV426
quote:

ORIGINAL: markdavies

quote:

ORIGINAL: mayo12

What do you call two Mexicans playing football?


Juan on Juan


tremendous



Thank you. Glad you liked it Mr MarkDavies, it gives me a chuckle

_____________________________

If there was a day I could live. A single breath I could take. I'd trade all the others away...

"Fucking Chuck Norris."

(in reply to markdavies)
Post #: 79
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/12/2007 3:19:44 PM   
markdavies


Posts: 395
Joined: 15/8/2006
From: Middlesbrough
 Two nuns and a mother superior are stranded in the desert, have been for three days.  All they have on them is a bag of flour.  Eventually they realise that they need to eat, and the only way to make food is to piss on the flour, and make dough, the heat of the sun, making it into bread.  the first nun crouches over the flour and try as she might cannot squeeze out one drop of piss.  the second nun believing that God will help her, squats over the flour, but again not a drop.  The Mother Superior looks at them, "Only those with a true calling, a true belief, can summon the majesty of the Lord to help them in times of trouble, watch and learn".  She squats over the flour, and pushes as hard as she can. Straining, she does a massive fart and blows the flour away, and the two nuns piss themselves laughing.

_____________________________

He made me look ridiculous,
And a man in my position cannot afford to be made to look ridiculous

(in reply to mayo12)
Post #: 80
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/12/2007 3:47:50 PM   
mayo12


Posts: 724
Joined: 7/7/2007
From: LV426
 Three macho mice are sitting around drinking and talking of the things they do for kicks. The first mouse says 'i love playing with mousetraps. i tend to intentionally let one close on me,and just as the bar is coming down i catch it and do about two or three hundred bench presses with it.' He flexes his biceps as if to demonstrate, and knocks back a shot.
The second mouse says 'ha!you think thats tough, i eat poison bait for breakfast. Stuff smells great, and i'm still alive, not even a belly ache.' He burps, and knocks back a shot.
The third mouse, the biggest of the three, knocks back three shots in a row,then gets up and starts to walk off. 'Hey!' call his mates, 'where you goin, we aint even got goin yet!'
'I'm bored' he says, 'i'm gonna go home and fuck the cat'...

_____________________________

If there was a day I could live. A single breath I could take. I'd trade all the others away...

"Fucking Chuck Norris."

(in reply to markdavies)
Post #: 81
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/12/2007 3:53:11 PM   
bobatim


Posts: 5606
Joined: 8/4/2006
From: The Killbot Factory!
quote:

ORIGINAL: mayo12

Three macho mice are sitting around drinking and talking of the things they do for kicks. The first mouse says 'i love playing with mousetraps. i tend to intentionally let one close on me,and just as the bar is coming down i catch it and do about two or three hundred bench presses with it.' He flexes his biceps as if to demonstrate, and knocks back a shot.
The second mouse says 'ha!you think thats tough, i eat poison bait for breakfast. Stuff smells great, and i'm still alive, not even a belly ache.' He burps, and knocks back a shot.
The third mouse, the biggest of the three, knocks back three shots in a row,then gets up and starts to walk off. 'Hey!' call his mates, 'where you goin, we aint even got goin yet!'
'I'm bored' he says, 'i'm gonna go home and fuck the cat'...


An old un but a good un there mayo, very funny

_____________________________

Is he died?


www.penultimateuniverse.blogspot.com




(in reply to mayo12)
Post #: 82
RE: The Jokes Thread - 10/12/2007 4:33:44 PM   
mayo12


Posts: 724
Joined: 7/7/2007
From: LV426
 shit.really?i only herad that one the other day,hahaha!

oh well, it is as with wine, vintage shows quality...

_____________________________

If there was a day I could live. A single breath I could take. I'd trade all the others away...

"Fucking Chuck Norris."

(in reply to bobatim)
Post #: 83
RE: The Jokes Thread - 11/12/2007 4:25:03 AM   
Squidward Hark Bugle


Posts: 9386
Joined: 17/10/2007
From: Laurel Canyon
 A man was walking around the zoo when he happened upon a gorilla. The gorilla wasn't moving. The man waved his hand. The gorilla waved back. The man jumped up and down. The gorilla did the same. The man ran around in a circle. So did the gorilla. The man scratched his eye. The gorilla broke through the cage and bashed the shit out of the man.

Recovering in hospital the zookeeper came to visit.

"What were you doing?" he asked.

"I was doing stuff and it was copying me," the man said.

"No, I mean what did you do specifically before it attacked you?"

"I scratched my eye."

"What?! Never do that in front of a gorilla! It means 'Get fucked' in gorilla sign language."

The man decided to get his revenge on the gorilla, so after he was discharged from hospital, he went and bought several sausages that were tied end to end, and put them in his pants. Standing in front of the gorilla, he unzipped his fly and slipped out one sausage. The gorilla got an erection to the length of the sausage. The man slipped out another sausage, and the gorilla's erection grew bigger. The man slipped out a third, and the gorilla's erection grew even larger, the gorilla now in pain.

Then the man got out a knife and cut the three sausages off so that they fell.

The gorilla scratched its eye.

< Message edited by Squidward Hark Bugle -- 11/12/2007 4:27:36 AM >

_____________________________

Science will say what it must.

Melancholia

(in reply to mayo12)
Post #: 84
RE: The Jokes Thread - 12/12/2007 12:14:38 PM   
homersimpson_esq


Posts: 19969
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield
quote:

ORIGINAL: markdavies

What did the mexican carwash attendant call his two sons?

hose a and hose b.

aaayytheenkyew.  bdumtisch.



quote:

ORIGINAL: Chojin

what did the mexican fireman name his hoses?

HOSE-A and HOSE-B


That took 5 days to do the rounds, and still came back different!


_____________________________

That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne.


TREK WARS

(in reply to markdavies)
Post #: 85
RE: The Jokes Thread - 12/12/2007 12:28:54 PM   
Chojin


Posts: 4659
Joined: 29/6/2007
From: Bedfordshire
 lol, deld

...everyone makes mistakes

_____________________________

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XBL/PSN - Chojin22000

(in reply to homersimpson_esq)
Post #: 86
RE: The Jokes Thread - 12/12/2007 12:30:47 PM   
Squidward Hark Bugle


Posts: 9386
Joined: 17/10/2007
From: Laurel Canyon
 "Ok, ladies, you are all here to be cured of your obsessions. You are all so obsessed, that you all named your children after it. Rowena, you are obsessed with alcohol. Tell me; what is your daughter's name?"

"Brandy."

"A perfect example. Now, Helga, you are obsessed with jewellery. What is your daughter's name?"

"Ruby."

"Yet another perfect example. Now, Maria ..."

"I refuse to stay another minute. This is demeaning. Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

_____________________________

Science will say what it must.

Melancholia

(in reply to homersimpson_esq)
Post #: 87
RE: The Jokes Thread - 13/12/2007 12:28:43 PM   
mayo12


Posts: 724
Joined: 7/7/2007
From: LV426
 A mounted police officer stops a little girl who is riding down the street on her new bike. "Hello there young lady", he says, "did Santa get you that new bike?"
"Yes he did", she replies, "isn't it wonderful!"
The policeman gives her a smile, but shakes his head, "next time tell Santa to put a reflector on it", and gives the girl a £5 fine!

The girl is obviously annoyed. "Did Santa give you that horse?" she asks the officer, to which he chuckles but gives a prompt nod in reply.
"Well next time tell him the dick is supposed to go under the horse not fuckin' on it!"

_____________________________

If there was a day I could live. A single breath I could take. I'd trade all the others away...

"Fucking Chuck Norris."

(in reply to Squidward Hark Bugle)
Post #: 88
RE: The Jokes Thread - 13/12/2007 12:46:59 PM   
markdavies


Posts: 395
Joined: 15/8/2006
From: Middlesbrough
 Bloke goes to the Dr complaining of headaches.
The Dr asks "Do you masturbate at all"?
The fella says " yes". 
"Fucking brilliant isn`t it". Says the Dr. 

_____________________________

He made me look ridiculous,
And a man in my position cannot afford to be made to look ridiculous

(in reply to mayo12)
Post #: 89
RE: The Jokes Thread - 13/12/2007 3:13:24 PM   
ewan w


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/12/2007
From: Barcelona
quote:

ORIGINAL: Scruffybobby

Mike goes to to pick up a friend who's been to Glasgow for the first time on a business trip. When his mate steps off the train he's got a huge bruise on his face and his mouth is all swollen and cut "What the hell happend to you?" he asks his mate "Some barmaid just  punched me for no reason"  his mate replies.  " I just don't understand it" "Right," Mike says "Tell me everything that happened" So his mate tells him the story

"I got to Glasgow, went for the meeting, which went great, then when it was over I had a couple of hour before I had to get the train. So I nipped into a pub to get something to eat. I ordered my meal and asked the barman to watch my bag while I wnet out for a smoke. He said "tell you what, I'll put it behind the bar for you and you can get it when you leave" so I hand it over. The when I'm ready to leave he's gone and there's this girl behind the bar. She's the one who hit me"

"What the hell for?"

" I don't know - I went to the bar she asked me what I wanted and I said "Can I just get my holdall?"








ak! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!

_____________________________

I have the emergency croissant.

(in reply to Scruffybobby)
Post #: 90
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