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The Jokes Thread - 14/9/2007 8:14:41 PM   
homersimpson_esq


Posts: 20117
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: Springfield
The only similar thread I've seen was the 'bad jokes' thread, which while related, is aimed at a different class of joke.

Basically, if you have a joke, have heard a joke, post it here. So long as it doesn't contravene the rules of the forum, it's fair game.

(I put this in 'Off Topic', because I felt it was more apt, as it's not a game to go in 'Fun and Games'. Of course, it's intended to be fun - but then, a lot of this forum is!)

Here we go then:


INDOOR GOLF - THE RULES


1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play. This normally consists of one club and two balls but may vary depending on golfer.

2. Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the course before play can begin. If consent is not given, much trouble may follow.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as  many  strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. Players are cautioned to select the proper hole for play.

8. It is normally considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will usually admire the entire  course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. He should assure himself that the hole is properly lubricated to aid in stroking. Additional lubrication may be added to the club if necessary preferably by the course owner.

9. Players are cautioned not to mention any other courses they have played recently, or concurrently, to the current course owner. Upset owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
  

_____________________________

That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne.


Bristol Bad Film Club
A place where movie fans can come and behold some of the most awful films ever put to celluloid.
Post #: 1
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/9/2007 9:13:22 PM   
kumar


Posts: 5227
Joined: 2/10/2005
groan

_____________________________

"Darth Silas - I love Craig as Bond too. Genius. "- Jackmansgirl 15/7/2008

Last films watched:

The Road - 4/5
Chronicle - 4/5
Twilight Breaking Dawn p1 - 1/5
Warrior - 5/5
Super 8 - 5/5
Paranormal Activity 3 - 3/5
MI 4 - 2/5

(in reply to homersimpson_esq)
Post #: 2
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/9/2007 9:29:43 PM   
clownfoot


Posts: 7914
Joined: 26/9/2005
From: The ickle town of Fuck, Austria
What's the difference between a tennis ball and Camilla Parker Bowles?

If push came to shove, I could just about eat a tennis ball!


_____________________________

Evil Mod 2 - Hail he who has fallen from the sky to deliver us from the terror of the Deadites!

http://www.thepixelempire.net/index.html
http://clownfootsinversemidas.blogspot.com/

(in reply to kumar)
Post #: 3
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/9/2007 9:35:47 PM   
curtain twitcher


Posts: 4816
Joined: 9/4/2007
From: The Hotel California
I had too much phone sex last night. Now i have hearing aids.

_____________________________

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.

You see, in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend. Those with loaded guns, and those who dig. You dig.

There are two kinds of people in the world, my friend. Those who have a rope around their neck and those who have the job of cutting.



(in reply to clownfoot)
Post #: 4
RE: The Jokes Thread - 15/9/2007 3:34:55 PM   
punchdrunk


Posts: 7817
Joined: 14/12/2005
Oh a playground one for you...

Why do Girls wear Make-up and Perfume?

Because they are Ugly and they Smell.



*runs*

(in reply to curtain twitcher)
Post #: 5
RE: The Jokes Thread - 15/9/2007 4:13:41 PM   
Scruffybobby

 

Posts: 4302
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: My House
Mike goes to to pick up a friend who's been to Glasgow for the first time on a business trip. When his mate steps off the train he's got a huge bruise on his face and his mouth is all swollen and cut "What the hell happend to you?" he asks his mate "Some barmaid just  punched me for no reason"  his mate replies.  " I just don't understand it" "Right," Mike says "Tell me everything that happened" So his mate tells him the story

"I got to Glasgow, went for the meeting, which went great, then when it was over I had a couple of hour before I had to get the train. So I nipped into a pub to get something to eat. I ordered my meal and asked the barman to watch my bag while I wnet out for a smoke. He said "tell you what, I'll put it behind the bar for you and you can get it when you leave" so I hand it over. The when I'm ready to leave he's gone and there's this girl behind the bar. She's the one who hit me"

"What the hell for?"

" I don't know - I went to the bar she asked me what I wanted and I said "Can I just get my holdall?"






_____________________________

I want to taste you like yogurt.

(in reply to punchdrunk)
Post #: 6
RE: The Jokes Thread - 15/9/2007 5:21:33 PM   
Harry Lime


Posts: 5147
Joined: 30/9/2005
A young lad gets home from school early after being expelled from school one day to what he expects to be an empty house. He slips in the back door, puts his bag on kitchen worktop and is just about to turn on the lap-top so he can post his latest happy slapping video on YouTube when he suddenly hears alot of moaning and groaning above. Being an inquisitive little sod, he takes off his shoes and tip-toes up the stairs and across the landing to his parents bedroom and swings open the bedroom door... Only to be confonted by his dad rattling his mother like a steam train from behind on their bed.
 
"GET OUT, GET OUT". His father yells.
 
The embarrassed lad runs down the stairs with the cacophony of his parents nervous giggles ringing in his ears.
 
A couple of days later, it's the dads turn to arrive home early. He walks into the house, throws his keys on the sideboard and is about to dig out that "Sink Floyd: The Seven Ages Of Cock" DVD that he has been saving for a rainy day when he hears a squeel of orgasmic pleasure for above. Fearing the worst, he takes of his shoes, tip-toes up the stairs and slips across the landing to his bedroom door. He puts his ear to the door and he can hear the distinctive sound of balls slapping in time to erotic moaning. Furious, he kicks the door down only to be confronted with a ghastly vision... His son pounding his meat into his 60 year old grandma!
 
Everything stops for a moment. Words form in the fathers mouth but nothing comes out. He's just about to finally explode when his son pops his head head up and says...
 
"See, it's not so funny when it's your mother is it?"

_____________________________

"People think I have an interesting walk. Hell, I'm just trying to hold my gut in."

If I get there early will it be the right time
our heaven is just waiting so put your hand into mine.

(in reply to Scruffybobby)
Post #: 7
RE: The Jokes Thread - 15/9/2007 5:29:03 PM   
KennyM


Posts: 2816
Joined: 7/4/2006
I like

(in reply to Harry Lime)
Post #: 8
RE: The Jokes Thread - 15/9/2007 10:22:41 PM   
tommyjarvis


Posts: 6632
Joined: 2/11/2005
From: Caught somewhere in time
How long's Harry Lime been a mod for?!

_____________________________

"I've been too honest with myself, I should have lied like everybody else"

My Top 101 Rock Songs - The first Audiophile list to actually get completed!

(in reply to KennyM)
Post #: 9
RE: The Jokes Thread - 15/9/2007 11:08:37 PM   
curtain twitcher


Posts: 4816
Joined: 9/4/2007
From: The Hotel California

quote:

ORIGINAL: tommyjarvis

How long's Harry Lime been a mod for?!


Two days to be precise i think. Harry, that joke is great! Never heard it before.

_____________________________

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.

You see, in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend. Those with loaded guns, and those who dig. You dig.

There are two kinds of people in the world, my friend. Those who have a rope around their neck and those who have the job of cutting.



(in reply to tommyjarvis)
Post #: 10
RE: The Jokes Thread - 16/9/2007 11:20:59 AM   
darth silas


Posts: 4949
Joined: 1/10/2005
From: My living room
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

_____________________________

Star Wars:Episodes 1,2,3,4,5,6.Taken together they are one giant movie and it is the greatest movie EVER.

(in reply to curtain twitcher)
Post #: 11
RE: The Jokes Thread - 16/9/2007 12:59:10 PM   
mafyou


Posts: 2562
Joined: 23/11/2005
quote:

ORIGINAL: darth silas

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


Would you like someone to say something in order for this joke to work?


_____________________________

Et In Arcadia Ego

(in reply to darth silas)
Post #: 12
RE: The Jokes Thread - 16/9/2007 1:58:43 PM   
Harry Lime


Posts: 5147
Joined: 30/9/2005
quote:

ORIGINAL: darth silas

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

To get to the other side???

_____________________________

"People think I have an interesting walk. Hell, I'm just trying to hold my gut in."

If I get there early will it be the right time
our heaven is just waiting so put your hand into mine.

(in reply to darth silas)
Post #: 13
RE: The Jokes Thread - 16/9/2007 2:24:55 PM   
directorscut


Posts: 10878
Joined: 30/9/2005
They look like Daniel Craig?

_____________________________



Member of the TMNT 1000 Club.

(in reply to darth silas)
Post #: 14
RE: The Jokes Thread - 16/9/2007 2:25:24 PM   
Diggler


Posts: 1257
Joined: 30/9/2005
quote:

ORIGINAL: Harry Lime

 rattling his mother like a steam train from behind on their bed.
 
distinctive sound of balls slapping in time to erotic moaning.  His son pounding his meat into his 60 year old grandma!



Harry you don't half have some descriptions when it comes to sex. I liked the one about the furious finger fucking in another thread. Makes me laugh anyway.

What's black and yellow and hangs from a tight cunt?

A Netto bag.

_____________________________

"Hey Ron, I'm riding a furry tractor"

(in reply to Harry Lime)
Post #: 15
RE: The Jokes Thread - 17/9/2007 5:18:42 AM   
...marcus...


Posts: 345
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: The Gunga Diner
With apologies to Lee Mack.
 
All tennis players are witches.

Andy Murray, he's a witch.

Roger Federer, He's a witch.

Goran, even 'e's a witch.

_____________________________

Like my loafers?
Former gophers.
It was that or skin my chauffeurs.

Won't someone please
remove these
cutleries
from ma knees

(in reply to Diggler)
Post #: 16
RE: The Jokes Thread - 17/9/2007 1:18:20 PM   
Woger


Posts: 3813
Joined: 30/9/2005
 A guy in a ski-mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open
the
> > f*cking safe!", he yells at the girl behind the counter.
> >
> > "But we're not a real bank" she replies, "We don't have any money.
This
> > is
> > a sperm bank".
> >
> > "Don't argue, open the f*cking safe or I'll blow your head off".
She
> > obliges and once she's opened the safe door, the guy says " Take
out one
> > of the bottles and drink it".
> >
> > "But its full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
> > " Don't argue. Just drink it!" he says.
> > She pulls the cap off and gulps it down.
> >
> > "Take another bottle and drink it too", he demands. She takes out
> > another
> > one and drinks it as well.
> >
> > Suddenly the guy pulls off the ski-mask and to the girls amazement
it's
> > her boyfriend.

"Not that f*cking difficult is it?"


_____________________________

Eddie: "Weve been burgaled"
Richie: You may have been, but I have never in my life. As a christian I am so tightly clenched, oh you mean burgaled
- - -
There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said he would travel by foot

(in reply to ...marcus...)
Post #: 17
RE: The Jokes Thread - 17/9/2007 2:35:38 PM   
kumar


Posts: 5227
Joined: 2/10/2005
quote:

ORIGINAL: Diggler

quote:

ORIGINAL: Harry Lime

 rattling his mother like a steam train from behind on their bed.
 
distinctive sound of balls slapping in time to erotic moaning.  His son pounding his meat into his 60 year old grandma!



Harry you don't half have some descriptions when it comes to sex. I liked the one about the furious finger fucking in another thread. Makes me laugh anyway.

What's black and yellow and hangs from a tight cunt?

A Netto bag.


haha bastard i shop at netto.

_____________________________

"Darth Silas - I love Craig as Bond too. Genius. "- Jackmansgirl 15/7/2008

Last films watched:

The Road - 4/5
Chronicle - 4/5
Twilight Breaking Dawn p1 - 1/5
Warrior - 5/5
Super 8 - 5/5
Paranormal Activity 3 - 3/5
MI 4 - 2/5

(in reply to Diggler)
Post #: 18
RE: The Jokes Thread - 21/9/2007 2:50:05 AM   
Papa Jeff


Posts: 146
Joined: 30/3/2007
From: Dublin
A man walks onto the stage of stars in their eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says the Matthew, 'Please tell the audience what happened?'

'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident.

'Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'

'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? 'asks the host

'Actually, No... while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.

I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Matthew responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, what musical act are you going to be?'

To which the man replied, 'Tonight, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

(in reply to kumar)
Post #: 19
RE: The Jokes Thread - 21/9/2007 11:42:45 AM   
Chojin


Posts: 4834
Joined: 29/6/2007
From: Bedfordshire
oldish joke, replace with politician of your choice

Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited One
of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words
and their meanings.

The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class
for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that
would be a "tragedy."

No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "that! 's what we would call
great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: "If the Air Force were carrying you and Mrs Blair
and was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that
would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "That's right. And can
you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident either!"

_____________________________

http://chojin.devour.org - Mixes, Contact, Etc
XBL/PSN - Chojin22000

(in reply to Papa Jeff)
Post #: 20
RE: The Jokes Thread - 13/10/2007 7:31:21 PM   
Mason Verger


Posts: 4724
Joined: 13/1/2006
From: Bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri
My mother-in-law ruined my marriage. My wife came home early, and caught us in bed together.

_____________________________

Mind like parachute - only function when open.

Be excellent to each other.

(in reply to Chojin)
Post #: 21
RE: The Jokes Thread - 13/10/2007 8:36:45 PM   
curtain twitcher


Posts: 4816
Joined: 9/4/2007
From: The Hotel California

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mason Verger

My mother-in-law ruined my marriage. My wife came home early, and caught us in bed together.

Simple but effective.

_____________________________

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.

You see, in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend. Those with loaded guns, and those who dig. You dig.

There are two kinds of people in the world, my friend. Those who have a rope around their neck and those who have the job of cutting.



(in reply to Mason Verger)
Post #: 22
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/10/2007 9:55:49 AM   
borstal


Posts: 9173
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: its grom up nirth
I know Im gonna get shit for this but here goes....

...please dont read if easily offended.....









....please....









ok here goes....








whats worse than biting into an apple and finding half a worm?





















....being raped.....


Blame Jimmy Carr!

_____________________________

"Can you imagine the satisfaction of slamming that camping cunt Scott with a missile while sitting in Costa?" - Chief

http://www.redbubble.com/people/borstal
http://letterboxd.com/borstal/



(in reply to curtain twitcher)
Post #: 23
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/10/2007 1:12:29 PM   
curtain twitcher


Posts: 4816
Joined: 9/4/2007
From: The Hotel California

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chojin

oldish joke, replace with politician of your choice

Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited One
of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words
and their meanings.

The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class
for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that
would be a "tragedy."

No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "that! 's what we would call
great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: "If the Air Force were carrying you and Mrs Blair
and was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that
would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "That's right. And can
you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident either!"




_____________________________

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.

You see, in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend. Those with loaded guns, and those who dig. You dig.

There are two kinds of people in the world, my friend. Those who have a rope around their neck and those who have the job of cutting.



(in reply to Chojin)
Post #: 24
RE: The Jokes Thread - 16/10/2007 12:04:21 AM   
bub


Posts: 2816
Joined: 30/9/2005
From: A soon to be undead filled missile silo
quote:

ORIGINAL: borstal

I know Im gonna get shit for this but here goes....

...please dont read if easily offended.....









....please....









ok here goes....








whats worse than biting into an apple and finding half a worm?





















....being raped.....


Blame Jimmy Carr!


I ignored your advice and am now offended you will be hearing from my solicitor.

(in reply to borstal)
Post #: 25
RE: The Jokes Thread - 16/10/2007 1:33:29 PM   
pocketrocket

 

Posts: 1159
Joined: 1/8/2006
From: age frais
What's pink and hard first thing in the morning?

The FT crossword

and...

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out yer Grandads trrousers?

Your Grandma

ok...I'll get my coat 

_____________________________

"A life Jmmy, you know what that is? It's the shit that happens while you're waiting for the moments that never come." Lester Freamon

(in reply to bub)
Post #: 26
RE: The Jokes Thread - 16/10/2007 10:54:27 PM   
Chojin


Posts: 4834
Joined: 29/6/2007
From: Bedfordshire
whats the hardest thing about rollerblading?

telling your parents you're ghey.


_____________________________

http://chojin.devour.org - Mixes, Contact, Etc
XBL/PSN - Chojin22000

(in reply to pocketrocket)
Post #: 27
RE: The Jokes Thread - 6/11/2007 2:59:24 PM   
Biggus


Posts: 7636
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Not Local
I hear Quentin Tarantino is making a film about Barry George.

It's called Kill Jill.

_____________________________

"They offered me a hundred grand. You wanna know something? When I found out I'd get my hands on you, I said I'd do it for nothing."

http://fletchsworldoffilm.wordpress.com/

(in reply to homersimpson_esq)
Post #: 28
RE: The Jokes Thread - 6/11/2007 8:40:03 PM   
clarabell


Posts: 8409
Joined: 14/10/2005
From: An Oubliette
Why are gypsies like cigarettes?

They come in packs of 10s or 20s, they stink and they're banned from all pubs and clubs in Britain.



_____________________________

When I die, bury me up-side down, so the world can kiss my ass

Just because the fucker's got a library card doesn't make him Yoda!


(in reply to Biggus)
Post #: 29
RE: The Jokes Thread - 14/11/2007 5:18:46 PM   
Mason Verger


Posts: 4724
Joined: 13/1/2006
From: Bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri
Why do farts smell so bad?

So the deaf can enjoy them too.

_____________________________

Mind like parachute - only function when open.

Be excellent to each other.

(in reply to clarabell)
Post #: 30
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