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RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 7/3/2012 12:37:40 AM   
Swoz_MK


Posts: 2884
Joined: 18/10/2005
Still in slight pain


(in reply to DazDaMan)
Post #: 6001
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 11/3/2012 7:48:21 PM   
nutteronabus


Posts: 646
Joined: 27/2/2006
Morning, sharkies.

Is it Christmas yet?

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005K0GC0M

_____________________________

“You think you’re so cultured because you’ve gone to see Cats? You pampered upper-class drug-taking bitch!”

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Post #: 6002
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 11/3/2012 8:47:36 PM   
DazDaMan


Posts: 10109
Joined: 8/9/2006
From: Penicuik - a right shithole
Brilliant!

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You fucking fuckers are gonna do what I say or I'm going to stick my foot so far up your assholes you'll rue the day you crawled out of your mother's twat!

(in reply to nutteronabus)
Post #: 6003
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 12/3/2012 2:42:59 PM   
st3veebee


Posts: 2353
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: 9303 Lyon Drive
How does this thread have 200+ pages while Jaws only has 17??? What is wrong with the world?


Also that mug is beyond amazing and I am 90% I will have ordered it by the weekend.

_____________________________

Latest Films:

Two days in New York: 4/5

Prometheus: 3.5/5

Abe Lincoln: VH 3/5

Twin Peaks: FWWM 3.5/5

(in reply to DazDaMan)
Post #: 6004
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 13/3/2012 8:02:29 AM   
jonson


Posts: 9089
Joined: 30/9/2005

quote:

ORIGINAL: st3veebee

How does this thread have 200+ pages while Jaws only has 17??? What is wrong with the world?



to be fair it isn't just SA3 chat.
Within these 201 pages there is a whole world of intrigue, thoughtful comment, enlightening ideas and the odd heads up about up-and-coming fishy-flicks.
The world of Shark Attack 3, and other Creature Features, is vast. There are millions of man hours of well-informed debate buried within this forum, and many millions more left. We have but scratched the surface of such awesomeness.
The fact there are 5 billion people on this planet, and this is an open forum, makes me beggar belief it hasn't run into the tens of thousands of pages.
While the secret of this thread is still safe, we have to tread quietly, keeping the hoards at bay but also keeping the intelligence levels and standards high. We have a duty now, to this generation and also to future generations.
This time is now.


quote:

Also that mug is beyond amazing and I am 90% I will have ordered it by the weekend.



Me too, it's fucking awesome.

_____________________________

I've got all the Barbie ones!!!

Yeah but you're old. Really old. Old. Old. Old. Old.

(in reply to st3veebee)
Post #: 6005
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 13/3/2012 1:17:15 PM   
great_badir


Posts: 4662
Joined: 6/10/2005
From: A breaking rope bridge in the middle of the jungle
Shame the SA4 script has disappeared, though.

_____________________________

FAVE FILMS
BO BOMBS

(in reply to jonson)
Post #: 6006
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 19/3/2012 6:53:56 PM   
WilliamMunny


Posts: 6767
Joined: 23/8/2006
From: McAnally's

quote:

ORIGINAL: great_badir

Shame the SA4 script has disappeared, though.




SHARK ATTACK 4: ATTACK OF THE SHARK

by the good people of The Shark Attack 3: Megalodon fanclub, in association with rick_7 (c) Oh Dear Productions and Kinda Wired Releasing - 2005. DVD released with kind permission from barrowman.com.



Concept art (ahahahahahahahaha - "concept art") by Kinda Wired Designs.





EXT. A BEACH (PROVIDENIYA, DOUBLING FOR MIAMI)

A happy couple stroll happily on the happy beach. They can't act.

HUNKY TOPLESS MALE: Let's go for a swim.

WOMAN WITH ONLY HER PANTS ON: What about the shape-shifting two-to-two-hundred-foot shark that's been relentlessly attacking anybody and everybody who enters the sea?

HTM: Oh yeah, "the shark".

He does a silly impression of a shark.

HTM: "Waah, I'm a shark."

She giggles like an idiot. They kiss. Her boobs jiggle unnecessarily.

The hunky topless male runs into the water. Ominous music, red food colouring, you know the drill.

WWOHPO: Aah! Gary? Gary? Are you ok?

INT. HMV - DAY

Worldwide sensation JOHN BARROWMAN is signing copies of his latest super ultra-gold, ten times-platinum bestselling megahit super-swinging, jazz-infused, shark-baiting instant classic album, Barrowman Swings Cole Porter (great pun, John - love it).



Screaming wet fangirls maraud around the store swooning. Suddenly there's a commotion outside. A man enters.

MAN: John, John - come quick - there's been a shark attack! You and only you can save us in a tremendously tired Three Amigos/Galazy Quest post-modern ironic way!

JOHN: Speaking of tired...

MAN: We haven't got time for that - COME ON!


John Barrowman gets off the plane in Provideniya, doubling for Miami. A maverick Scientist approaches.

MAVERICK SCIENTIST: Mr. Barrowman! My name is Konstantin Megalou.

JOHN BARROWMAN: Megalo-who?

KONSTANTIN: Shut it. We have reason to believe that this shark is a cross between the Meg in Mexico and that weird guy from Deep Space 9.

JOHN: You realise that I'm not really a shark hunter, but a gay singer/songwriter/actor/novelist.

KONSTANTIN: Well, I'm being voiced by a Black guy. Let's go. We've reunited your team. This way.



Cut to a rich, headstrong and egotistical big game hunter/extreme marine biologist/shark wrangler who, for some reason, is from Texas and wears a cowboy hat and leather chaps -

Tex Roberts: Hey, ya'll, i'm a rootin' tootin' big game hunter stroke extreme marine biologist stroke shark wrangler. Me and my chaps here (points to leather chaps) think that we can trap this thing in a huge cage I originally made for the Loch Ness Monster..........yeehaw!

Konstantin: Listen, Tex Roberts - you may have more money in your pockets than I could hope to earn in my lifetime, and you may have a big boat, and you may have all this high tech equipment................but this is a SHARK. And not just any old shark..................a GIGANTITHIC CHARCHARIAS!!!!!!! Tell him, John Barrowman.

John: But i'm not a....

Konstantin: You see! He's scared witless. You bastard.

Cut to John having candle-lit sex with attractive lab technician.

Cut to big action scene - Jaws 3 stylee, Tex uses himself as bait in the big cage. The shark is coming.

Attractive lab tech: Look - shark!!!

Konstantin: He's done for, John Barrowman!

The shark swims up to the cage and swallows it whole, with Tex inside. After a moment, the shark pops up, mouth agape. We see Tex in its jaws.

Tex: I'M A MARTYR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The shark goes down again as blood bubbles to the surface.

Konstantin: Such a waste.

The shark comes to the surface again and opens its mouth.

Tex: I also have grenades all over my body!

The shark submerges once more.



KONSTANTIN and JOHN BARROWMAN and the SEXY LAB ASSISTANT are stood on the boat. They realise that the shark was not even damaged, and Tex had accidentally brought his PAINT GRENADES. He had died for nothing.

KONSTANTIN: Bollocks. There's nothing we can do now. Let's head for home.

JOHN BARROWMAN: We'll need outside support. I'll have to call my friends the Grizzled Navy Guy and the sexy museum woman.

The SEXY LAB ASSISTANT goes home. KONSTANTIN and JOHN are left by themselves on the dock.

KONSTANTIN: I have nothing to do now for 13 hours...

JOHN: How about I take you home and eat your pussy?

KONSTANTIN and JOHN take part in a sick cat eating ritual accompanied by Satanic Verses.

JOHN: That's not what I meant.


Cut to close up of a sign. It reads "ST JAMESONS SPECIAL CARE DIVE UNIT - YOU PROVIDE THE KIDS AND OLD PEOPLE, WE PROVIDE THE WATER." We slowly zoom out to reveal a small boat overfilled with kids and OAPs in wheel chairs.





Dive instructor: (shouting) OKAY - YOU'LL NOTICE THAT THERE ARE BIG SPEAKERS HANGING OFF THE SIDE OF THE BOAT, IN THE WATER. WHEN YOU GET IN, WE'LL START PLAYING MUSIC FOR YOU TO AEROBACISE TO. OKAY?





Montage of all the kids, OAPs and instructors suiting up. They slide into the water one by one.





Dive instructor: (still shouting) OKAY, SO NOW WE'RE GOING TO TURN ON THE MUSIC.





We close up to a big red switch. This is switched on and we hear deep, bassy thumps under water.





Dive instructor: (still shouting) TO ADD TO YOUR DIVING PLEASURE, WE'VE ALSO GOT SOME SEALS. NOW, THEY'D NORMALLY SWIM AWAY, BUT BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL PREGNANT FEMALES WE'VE TETHERED THEM TO THE SIDE OF THE BOAT. SO, AEROBACISE IN TIME WITH THE MUSIC AND BE AT ONE WITH THE SEALS.





They start to flap about lamely in the water.





Cut to shark-cam - we are just above the surface closing in on a swimmer, when we start to hear thumping under water. Shark-cam turns and whizzes away.





Cut back to dive unit, wide shot - in the distance we see a huge dorsal fin and quickly intercut between the shark fin and the dive unit.





Zoom back out, and we see the shark swim vertically up from the depths and swallow the boat, the seals and the dive unit whole.





Cut to Konstantin in a small dinghy waving his fists.





Konstantin: DAMN YOU!!!!! I WARNED YOU ABOUT THAT LOUD MUSIC!!!!



EXT: A SHED AND A BIT OF TARMAC (doubling for an airport)

A model airplane comes in to land. We know this because the man with the remote control is just in shot. Half the budget will go on his removal from the scene. The plane LANDS.

EXT: DUXFORD MUSEUM

We cut to one of the exhibition planes. Our GRIZZLED NAVY GUY (GNG) hero and the SEXY MUSEUM WOMAN (SMW) get out and is greeted by JOHN and KONSTANTIN.


GNG: So, John - I hear you got this Meg problem. I remember when I was a trainee on some battle ship somewhere and we found a T-REX IN OUR KITCHEN!!! Man, that was abso-fuckin'-looooot-leeee scary.

Konstantin: But this is not a T-Rex, GNG - this is a SHARK!!!!

Sexy Museum Woman: What's a "meg"?


GNG: Shuttup. So John - what're you gonna do?

John: Look, why won't anyone believe me when I say that i'm no shark hunter.......all I wanna do is croon hits from the 40s and 50s!

Konstantin: Look, John Barrowman - this is a SHARK!!!! You're the only one who knows what this thing is capable of!

GNG: Hey, I was there too - it was my missile!!.....................AND my sub, goddammit. I can't believe you used my sub as a target John, you shitting bastard!!

Konstantin: Never mind the past, GNG - Tex Roberts has already been bettered by prehistoric jaws of death. It's down to you, John.....

John:..................well, I guess I could call this one guy I know in South Africa. He's actually German, but hey - who cares. Anyway, he's dealt with big sharks before......................let me see if I can get hold of him.

John turns away and shouts.

John: THORSTEN KAAAAAAAAAAAAAYE?????????

Cut to close up of Konstantin - he sniffs the air.

Konstantin: I must go.

Konstantin runs off.




Cut to grainy stock footage of divers working underwater, probably on an oil rig. We cut to a close up, clearly filmed in a swimming pool, with no attempt at continuity with the stock footage as we now see there are only two men and they are wearing completely different scuba gear. We hear something that sounds like a dog barking.

Diver 1: Shh.......did you hear something?



Diver 2: Yeah - it was probably your ASS!!!! A-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahaha.

Diver 1: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Ah-hahahahahahahahaha.

Diver 2: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Diver 1: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Diver 2: Hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......................c'mon - let's get this thing finished - our greedy and power mad boss will swear at us if we don't. Never mind that we've been down here for six hours and our air supplies should have run out ages ago. Until we're done here our greedy and power mad boss, who only wants to unite the world but is nevertheless portrayed as a maniacal bastard, won't be able to send fresh trout and salmon to third world countries as an important food source.

Diver 1: ..................................yeah, you're right. And that foreign guy who's dubbed really badly won't be happy either.

They continue to work. We hear the dog bark again, this time much louder. They both look round.

Diver 1: Huh, nothing.

They continue working. Cut to shark-cam - we see the divers in the distance and we zoom quickly in. They whip round and scream. We cut to stock footage of a small-ish great white attacking a seal at the surface. Cut back to one of the divers being spun round. Cut back to the seal being torn apart. All the while there are dog barks and guttural burps. Cut to bottom of the "ocean", and a scuba tank slowly drifts down to the bottom.

Cut to Konstantin in a small sub.

Konstantin: Damn you big business types and your quest for world domination!!!! You can't fight with nature and hope to win!!!!!



Cut to exterior shot of small speed boat, hurtling along at a fair old rate. 2 buxom brunettes are on board, they are OBVIOUSLY drunk as they are dancing to 80's Hungarian rock (we can overdub this with 80's AMERICAN rock for EFFECT if necessary)

Cut to close up of Buxom brunette number 1.

(Production note - you may wish to stop the boat for this tricky close up bits of emoting, no-one will notice)

BB1: Hey, you know what would be a really great idea?

BB2:.......what?...... (pause for effect).

BB1: Let's get naked and be lesbians in the water.

BB2:.....yes.....I cannot wait to be fucking

Cut to long shot, the speed boat is STILL moving at a rapid rate, continuity is NOT a concern though, as the viewers are HYPED over some long overdue SEXINESS and are more likely busily undoing their pants to even notice.

Cut to close up shot - the boat is still completely stationery, and both buxom brunettes are NAKED and AROUSED.

BB1: Let's get into the water now, and be some LESBIANS.

BB2: ...yes....I STILL cannot wait to be fucking with you.

Cut to water level shot, we could possibly use stock footage of a fishing boat chumming the ocean, or (if pushed) perhaps a shot of a dinghy in someone's swimming pool (it doesn't matter)

Cut to overhead shot (we can rig this with some helium balloons and a handi-cam, my mother has some spare from a wedding last week) both Buxom Brunettes are paddling water and NAKED, their fake boobs keep them nicely afloat.

Cut to shark cam, this should start at least 50 feet away.

Cut to girls, they are KISSING and RUBBING one another

BB1: mmmmmm.

BB2: ooooooo.

At this point the girls should be TOTALLY unaware of the 30 foot shark, which is currently scuttling towards them, growling, shouting and ANGRY (I have a minidisc of my ex-girlfriend and I arguing, with a little pitch control we can come up with some new Shark noises)

Cut to BB's - they are PETTING

Cut to shark cam, now 100ft away and moving slowly

Cut to BB's - they are RUBBING and PETTING - girl 1 has girl 2's left breast in her mouth and is chewing the nipple. BB2 moans LOUDLY, this will arouse the viewers greatly and make them realize that this movie was a GREAT purchase.

Cut to shark cam, now 15ft away and almost stationery.

Cue stock footage of a hammerhead shark swimming through CORAL

Cut to stock footage from an entirely different time of day and location, of a Great White eating a seal, with a loud BARKING noise.

After the shark has finished MASSACRING the hammerhead/seal we cut back to the LESBIANS. They are now RUBBING, KISSING AND MOANING – leave this scene running for 15 seconds or so for maximum effect, the viewer will thank us.

Now, in a fashion not dissimilar to the moment in a porn film where you're really getting "into it” and a moustachioed burly man appears, we'll insert recycled footage of the Great white emerging from the water that was previously used in Shark Attack parts 1, 2 and 3. This will ruin at least 5 peoples moment of excitement, and have them cursing our names as they reach for the REWIND button.

We should employ our fastest and most powerful Atari ST in order to superimpose the speedboat and both buxom beauties (now fully clothed and quite visibly heavily set men – continuity error fans) into the mouth of the MEG

Cut to close up of Buxom beauty no. 1 – who is CLEARLY NOT in the mouth of the MEG

BB1: We are being eaten, this SUCKS.

BB2: Yes, and we didn't get to eat each other's pussies yet!!!

Both girls scream as they disappear into the TONSILS of the MEG

The MEG disappears, leaving a HUGE cloud of red water (Can we use Ribena?) the viewer is PISSED that they didn't see any clear nipple shots/real gore, but are HAPPY that this movie had LESBIANS and clearly RULES.

Cut to somewhere else, cue horrendous musical edit chop…….


Cut to a sign that says "Miami Marina". We zoom out to a small mooring with one speedboat, an old fishing trawler and a small row boat. We see John throwing lots of equipment into the speedboat. Off camera we hear someone shout "JOHN BARROWMAN!!!!". We cut to Konstantin running up to John.





Konstantin: (Out of breath) John Barrowman - i've just come from the ocean after witnessing the death of two divers at the fins of the Gigantithic Megalodon Charcharias Biggius. This comes after Tex Roberts being eaten, as well as a whole Special Care Scuba Unit!





GNG walks into shot, with a camera and massive zoom lens around his neck.





GNG: And i've just witnessed two lesbians being eaten.........i've got the proof!!





GNG holds up the camera, smiles and winks. Off camera we hear someone shout "JOHN!!!!". Everyone looks round and we cut to Thorsten Kaye. He is wearing a wetsuit and is dripping wet.





Thorsten: John! I heard your call. Sorry i'm late - i've just swam from Shark Attack 2 in South Africa. Whatup?





John: Shit your Shark Attack 2 - we've got this big toothy son of a bitch eating superfluous cast members!!





Thorsten: Shit........have you seen this?





Thorsten reaches behind his back and produces a newspaper.





Thorsten: Look at this!





John takes the paper. We cut to:








Thorsten: This was the day AFTER I killed Shark Attack 2!! It must be the same shark you've got here!





John: .....................but this says 43 DROWNED.





Thorsten snatches the paper away.





Thorsten: NO IT DOESN'T!!!!!! I'm telling you, it was your shark!!!!





John looks out to sea.





John: .....................Shit.





We hear another voice off camera saying "that's not your only problem!". We cut to Tex Roberts climbing onto the dock. He's covered in paint.





Konstantin: Tex Roberts!!!!!





Tex: Yeehaw!





GNG: But you were killed!





Tex: That's what I thought, but I managed to swim through one of its gills.





John: But we saw the blood!





Tex: That was just the paint grenades................yeehaw.





Konstantin: You mentioned a bigger problem?





Tex: Hell yeah - the shark we're talking about? That's just a........................BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





All: Shit!





Tex: Darn tootin'! I escaped from the baby's gills whilst it was feeding on its mother's milk.





Konstantin: But our shark is anywhere between 2 and 200 feet long, seemingly averaging around 30 to 50...............................that must mean that the mother is.................





John: (Interrupting) 4000 feet long!





All: Gasp!!.....................................shit.





John: ............................Hey Thorsten - i'm pretty stoked.................whatsay we go back to my place and I'll rim you?



Fade to a shower in a hotel room which is steamed up but you can make out the silhouette of Thorsten bent over with John positioned behind him - thrusting gently, yet maniacally. As the camera zooms in, a hand slams against the glass of the shower screen, causing the viewer to jump, momentarliy close their eyes and when they open them again...the scene has cut to some pensioners on a banana boat.

Pensioner Woman 1 (dubbed to sound like Ving Rhames but looks like the old one from Golden Girls): Whee! Thank you Frank for bringing me here for our anniversary.

Frank Bruno: I love you Glenda, this was our dream!

The camera picks up a large shark shaped silhouette moving towards the banana boat.

Glenda: All these years wanting to ride a banana boat in the Maldives. We've scrimped and saved all our lives to be here. I'm so happy right now.

Frank: I feel 20 years younger! Lets go back to our room so I can eat your pussy.

He leans back and gives Glenda the tongue as stock footage of a large shark is used and you can clearly see the banana boat superimposed into the mouth of a 4000ft shark.

Boat driver: Goddamn....

Picks up the radio

Boat Driver: Banana boat 1 to banana boat HQ, come in! Banana boat 1 to banana boat HQ, come in! My bananas just been eaten by a shark! It was somewhere between 20 and 4000 feet long. They're all gone!

He drops the radio as he looks up and drives straight into the mouth of the meg.

Wipe to John wiping clean his weapon...


Later that night....

John BARROWMAN and TEX are TALKING LOUDLY - this is because we are cheap skates and cannot afford a boom mike so the camera mic will have to suffice.

John: That was some good rimming from Thorsten....now I'm wired....tired and pretty fatigued too

Tex: Yeehaw, I got the whole thing on film, should make me a mint at the car boot

John: Please don't let anyone see it, I'm a respectable Z list celeb you know....who looks uncannily like a badly cloned Tom Cruise

Tex: YEEHAW!!!!

John: Anyway, back to the plot......4000 feet long......shit....

Tex: Hey John Barrowman, I was thinking - why don't you use your Tardis to travel back in time to Shark Attack 1 and kill that mutha while it's still a mere fraction of the, excuse me, YEEHAW!!!......size

John: wrong genre dude, this isn't science fiction, this is science FACT

Tex: mmmmm...you've got me there, *insert stereotypical cowboy slur here*

John: yes.....

Cut to exterior shot of the MEG eating the EQUATOR - this can be replacated using a yellow hula hoop and some rubber hosing.

Cut to interior of Tex and John, the room SHAKES as the equator LITERALLY DIES.

Tex: YEEHAW!!! now THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING, sorry, YELLING ABOUT!!!!

John: ....it feels good, but in a bad way, we have to get GNG and get cracking....

Tex: ......off?

John: no, I don't mean masturbation, I mean to KILL THE MEG....it's just eaten the WHOLE EQUATOR, it may decide to move onto something bigger....which means....

Tex: ...what? tell me.....

In steps the ugly faced Musuem girl from SA3

UFMG: ....yes.....he means THE END OF THE UNIVERSE AS WE KNOW IT......I've been studying the growth pattern of the MEG on my Gameboy Advance, and have come to the GREAT conclusion that not only am I extremely desirable to men, but that the.......

John: ......MEG is plannning to eat the moon?

UFMG: .....no, and please stop interrupting me.....

UFMG is now clearly VERY ANGRY, she cocks her fist back and PUNCHES John Barrowman RIGHT in his fucking SMILE. He flinches, but being harder than a cement CHUCK NORRIS he is able to accept it. He merely tosses his head back and laughs in that patented way of his

John: Ha ha ha ha haaaaa........haa......so, why did you do that?

UFMG: that's for not fulfilling your end of your "eating my pussy" bargain from the Shark Attack 3.......as I recall it we merely spent 15 seconds rubbing one another in the shower before a sunset segued into view. John Barrowman, you are useless and RUBBISH in bed

(We may need to up John Barrowman's salary a few pounds for him to allow us to keep this slur in the film)

John: yes..........so back to the intention of the MEG?

Tex: I think I know where this is going, but 1st I must show you something, lookie right HERE......

Tex now REMOVES his pants and reveals a MISSILE LAUNCHER where his PENIS should be....the viewer is now LAUGHING at the incredulity of it all, but they will still watch because this is both VERY COOL and promises greatness.

Tex: Yip, I lost my piece back in '82 due to a face fire......thought a Tomahawk missile launcher "might" come in handy one day so had this baby grafted on by an ex-army buddy of mine......YEEHAW!!!

Tex gyrates WILDLY, pushing the tip of the missile between UFMG's breast by ACCIDENT. The viewer at home does not miss this crass double entendre and is instantly finding their interest rekindled.

Cue the entrance of GNG, who, until now had been hiding under a nearby tarpulin.

John: GNG?!? what the fuck?.....where'd you come from?

GNG: I was back there meditating......yes, that's right.......MEG busting is a Bitch of a job you know!

UFMG: Why are your pants damp GNG?

GNG: It's the navy way (cha-ching!)

John: that's all fine and dandy, but what's the plan? don't forget the MEG just ATE THE EQUATOR and is probably heading for US right now.

GNG: I have a plan....it could be dangerous and may result in several occurences of stock footage attacks

Tex: We're all ears......YEEHAW!!!! etc

GNG: Yes, well.....I've managed to cobble together another mini sub from stock footage, bacofoil and a Taco......we could, theoretically strap Tex to the front of the sub, and using this here gadget trigger his firing mechanism RIGHT INTO THE MEG'S BLOODY FACE.

GNG holds up a box, it is black and official looking....it has a BUTTON on it, it must be useful.

John laughs, then everyone else starts to laugh uncontrollably too.....this continues for an inordinate length of time, the viewer get's UNCOMFORTABLE and starts to scratch themselves, at this point they are beggining to REGRET their purchase.

They stop laughing. At this point a crew member coughs to indicate that the camera crew can clearly be seen reflecting off of UFMG's Ugly, sagging BREASTS.

Music cues in....fade to black

Scene end.


Cut to an office. Well, it's supposed to be an office, but it's obviously just someone's lounge dressed down and with a big desk shoved in there. Just behind the desk is a flipchart (blank) and a map with lots of lines drawn over it. We zoom back and see the back of a black leather chair. We hear, but do not see:

Professor Snarle: Yeeeeessssss, soon my salmonoid delivery system will be finished and I will be able to put an end to global hunger!!...........BWUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!

The phone on Snarle's desk rings. He springs round. We see that it's none other than casting coup Ernest Borgnine.

Dr Snarle: What is it?

Voice: (Clearly just someone speaking off camera as they can't afford an intercom) Sir, there'e a Mr GNG to see you.

Dr Snarle: Hmmm......send him in.

GNG slams open the door and storms in.

GNG: You fuckface!! You knew that the smell of salmon and trout would attract big sharks! I oughtta slap you!! But i'll tell on you first!

Dr Snarle: Yeah?? Who's gonna believe ya, ya shit! The newspapers? The TV? The RAY-DEE-OOO? Pah!!

GNG: You good for nothing mother! Why, if John, Konstantin, Thorsten, Tex, Sexy Museum Woman AND the attractive lab technician were here, they'd stare you DOWN!!!!

Dr Snarle: Well how about this? If you go and tell anyone about what's going on here, I'll have no choice but to reveal YOUR little secrets!!

Dr Snarle reaches down underneath his desk and produces a video tape. He holds it up and the cover says "GNG in: GNG Gives It To The Animals. Hard."

GNG: You son of a shit - you wouldn't!!

Dr Snarle: (Smiling) Wouldn't IIIIIIIII???? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

GNG: Snarle, you're insane!!! Don't you realise the equator's just been eaten?!??! And our only hopes for defeating this thing are a guy who sings.....sorry, swings Cole Porter, a South African guy who's German, and some crazy Texan with a missile for a cock!!!! We can't even deliver on the promise of our sex scenes!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr Snarles picks up his telephone and dials about 30 numbers.

Dr Snarle: Yes.......Time Magazine please...............Yes, hello - would you be interested in a video tape of a man having intimate relations with animals????

Dr Snarle breaks into a massive smile.

Scene ends.


Cut to Helicopter pilot, still searching for help from the end of SA3

Pilot: damn....

Cut to interior of John Barrowman's apartment - the walls are laced heavily with Disney posters and self portraits, all drawn in different mediums.....the sexy girl from the lab from earlier in the movie is trying to programme Sky+ for John so he can tape countdown.

John: Have you not figured that out yet Sexy lab assistant? We have more pressing things to attend to right now....I just got a call from GNG, he sounded flushed, angry and more importantly PISSED......the line must have been playing up due to the equator having been eaten though, I could've sworn I could hear a horse whinney in the background....

Sexy assistant: there you go, sorted.

John: Great, let's go

Exterior John's apartment - GNG has just turned up in his Pontiac firebird, borrowed from the director's sister.

GNG: JOHN, I have some urgent and pressing news.

John: tell me

GNG: We have to get to work, and fast....in case you hadn't noticed it's VERY dark today....too dark.....

John and GNG look at each puzzled.....they laugh....then stop laughing. This is a CLOSE and INTIMATE moment between the two

GNG: Tell me John Barrowman, have you ever ridden a Horse naked?

John: ummm.......can't quite see what that has to do with anything GNG...........LOOK!

Suddenley there is a TOTAL ECLIPSE of the SUN.

The reason for this becomes VERY apparent, the MEG's entire dorsal fin is covering the SUN!

John: shit

GNG: shit

Viewer: shit

cut to kids pissing about in a pool.


EXT: SPACE-NIGHT

3 ALIEN BABES are frolicking just in outer space. They are fondling and kissing in each other in the way that this creature feature has now become soft-core bisexual porn.

CUT TO: Shark Cam! Straight from the solar eclipse and munching of a fictitious line, the shark is now capable of surviving in space! The shark sneaks up on the ALIEN BABES and eats them. Blood floats as a cloud in space. We cut to KONSTANTIN in a space-suit. He starts SHAKING HIS SPACE-GLOVE.

KONSTANTIN: Damn you!

INT: SPACE SHUTTLE-DAY

JOHN BARROWMAN, GNG, SLA, UFMG, TEX and his PENIS TOMAHAWK are sat in the shuttle. KONSTANTIN enters

KONSTANTIN: Sorry, I had to do my thang. [Remember folks he's being voiced by a black guy]

JOHN: OK, here's the plan. I had my friends at NASA loan us this space shuttle, as well as an experimental space-suit designed for porn stars for Tex. What we do is this. We drive this baby straight into the path of the Meg

TEX: YEEHAW!

JOHN: Thanks Tex, and then we release Tex in the pornsuit, into the shark's path. He then, using this new system, fires the tomahawks using pelvic thrusts.

TEX: DARN TOOTIN!

JOHN: Once again, Tex, your talent for reinforcing the typical chauvinist stereotype of the Alpha Texan gay man never ceases to amaze me.

GNG: Wait a minute, you're John Barrowman. How do you know all these big words?

JOHN: I had candlelit sex with a dictionary.

[AWKWARD PAUSE]

GNG: Let's get this party started.


(Technically to go before Mozza's scene, but what the hell - crazy chronology comes a calling!)

Cut to kids pissing about in a pool. The kids are laughing their laughs as one of them stands up.

Kid 1: Hey, look at me - i'm peeing in the pool!! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

All: Ewwwwwwwwwwwww.......................HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

We hear Konstantin off camera shout:

Konstantin: You damn ho kids!! Don't you beeyatches know 4000 foot sharks can smell a droplet of urine from a million miles away!!?!?!?!?!?

We cut to an aerial shot of the pool, which is in someone's back garden and nowwhere near the ocean. Due to budgetary restrictions, it is an inflatable pool. Cut back to kid 1.

Kid 1: Yeah, whatever.

All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Cut to shark-cam. We hear the shark sniffing the water (cos sharks do that), it barks and then whips round. We cut back to the kids laughing and all peeing now. We cut to shark-cam - mummy shark swims up next to baby shark. We cut to rubbish wide shot of claymation sharks. Mummy shark grunts and beckons baby shark with her fin. They both then go on their way.

We cut back to a wide shot of the pool and the kids in it. It gets dark very quickly and one of the kids looks up.

Kid 2: What the fudge is that?!?!?!?!?

They all look up and we cut to mummy shark and baby shark raining down from the sky. We cut to a shark POV (obviously filmed from the top of a ladder) and do a rubbish crash zoom in. We then see two badly animated sharks go head first onto the pool. In a complete lapse of logic, they then turn around and fly back up to the sky in a poorly animated fashion.

Cut to John, Tex and GNG suiting up in their space suits. They all look up.

John: What was that?



Tex:..................dang!!!! Sounded like two sharks eatin' a swimming pool full of kids!

John: Shit!

GNG: Look - there they go!!!

We cut to their POV and it is some grainy stock footage of two planes taking off, one after the other.

Konstantin: We must hurry and get revenge for the space alien babes that we've already seen being eaten...........yo.

Tex: Cock locked and ready to rock!!!



cut back to space shuttle.

John looks through the portal, exhibiting a mixed range of emotions, these are FEAR, LOATHING, EXCITEMENT, ANGST and BRAVERY. However, to the average viewer he appears to be ejaculating strongly into his underpants.

He is approached from off camera by UFMG, she trips on a cable, but this goes unnoticed by the director.

UFMG - John Barrowman, I'm worried about you.....you seem to be....taking....this whole.....MEG thing......too close to your heart....

John - Damnit Museum bitch, those kids were YOUNG....and PEEING....they had their whole lives ahead of them to PEE and be slightly less YOUNG and eventually OLD......what kind of God would allow a Shark of such pant shitting proportions to propell itself (and it's sibling) into orbit like a murderous space mission?......why?...why?.....WHY?

UFMG, upon seeing John rapidly losing his grip on SANITY (again, this merely resembles him hitting Vinegar strokes) administers a Vulcan paralysing neck pinch....John Barrowman, being harder and more deadly than a Concrete Jackie Chan merely takes it as form of SEX - they embrace and KISS

John - That was a good kiss

UFMG - Yes John Barrowman, that was up there with Sarah Michelle Gellar tonguing that flat chested bint in Cruel Intentions....I forgive you for your POOR sex in the Shark Attack 3

They both Laugh - lots.

GNG walks in, obviously perturbed and carrying a small dog under his right arm

GNG - What's all this laughing? This is no time to LAUGH. We need to get Tex ready for his space pursuit of our two "friends" there's no time to laugh....no time at all goddamnit.

John - What's with the small dog under your right arm GNG?

UFMG - Yeah, what's that shit all about?

GNG - What can I say? I like to fuck puppies.

They ALL Laugh - again - the viewer hasn't noticed this momentary lapse in logic which goes totally against the plotting so far, they laugh too.

Suddenley, the tail fin of mother MEG literally SMASHES the space shuttle in half - John, GNG, UFMG, Tex et al are jettisoned into SPACE, but luckily they can all breath in these zero oxygen conditions, thanks to some poor writing on my behalf.

Baby MEG floats into view, jaws wide and tongue lolling - Tex screams, UFMG screams, They ALL scream.

Suddenley a passing PLANET hits the baby MEG, and she careens BACK into orbit of the PLANET EARTH and they're temporarily saved.

They laugh some more.

John - that was fucking lucky

All - yes


GNG: Okay, so we're safe for now, but we've still got this Meg problem...........and now there appears to be a third Meg, a Meg SO big that it's capable of swallowing.................ITSELF!!!!





John: Shit!





We hear a knock on the spaceship door. Konstantin casually walks over to open it. Luckily, as the ship is in half and therefore already depressurised, there is no danger of having to spend lots of money on a big fan to blow bits of detritus around to make it look like the cabin is depressurising.





Konstantin opens the door, and it is Thorsten Kaye, once again dripping wet in his wetsuit.





Konstantin: Thorsten Kaye, you mofo!!!





Thorsten: (Out of breath) Yeah, it's me.....................I just swam up from earth to see how you were getting on. Seeing as how i've been totally useless up to now.





GNG: You prick-fucker - where were you when those alien babes were being eaten????!?!?!?! And look at Tex!!!!





We cut to Tex, lying on the floor groaning.





Thorsten: What's the matter Tex?





Tex: Yee......haw-cough-cough...........my penis tomahawk was ripped off in the attack on the spaceship.





Tex pulls down his pants to reveal just a smooth disc.





John: Shit!





Konstantin: Tex Roberts, oh no!!!





GNG: What are we go-fuckin'-nna do now?!?!?!?!?!





Tex smiles a big smile and starts to giggle.





Tex: No matter, ya'll - I ALWAYS carry a spare.





Tex lifts up his sleeve and underneath is another penis tomahawk. We didn't see a bulge under his sleeve before, because it wasn't there.





Tex: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.





All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA.





We cut to the sexy lab assistant.





SLA: Hold up!! Look at this.





She holds up a copy of Tyme magazine. We crash zoom in and on the front cover is a photo of GNG's animal video. The headline reads "Grizzled Navy Guy's Secret Animal Sex Game Shame". Cut to GNG.





GNG: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





SLA: No, just above that.





We crash zoom to Tyme again, and close in on the very top right hand corner. It reads "Really Big Sharks On Rampage - Universe In Termoyle" (because we can't afford to pay Time magazine, we have to make up Tyme and also spell 'turmoil' wrong).





GNG: Oh. Good.





John: Shit!





UFMG: Shut up all you guys! I've just been sat here quietly pretending to be super-intelligent, even though i'm really dumb and merely in this to have shark victims gawp at my ass, but if my calculations are correct and my eyes are working properly and this window i'm looking out of is a window and not a TV screen, then our problem is much bigger than three ridiculously sized dead fish!





GNG: Huh?





John: What?

Tex: Yeehaw?





Thorsten: Was is das?





UFMG: Take a look for yourselves!





We cut to stock footage of a large school (shoal?) of fish, probably sardines or herrings. This is SUPPOSED to represent hundreds, nay - THOUSANDS of Megs. Cut to Konstantin looking out a window.





Konstantin: Good christ................John Barrowman - I love you, but it looks like we've only got another few scenes to save the entire universe, homey!





John: You're right.................and apart from anything else, there hasn't been a pointless attack or soft-core sex scene for over a minute now!





GNG: Bollocks to sex and attacks - we're gonna need a LOT more help to sort this out!





Thorsten: What, like big guns?




GNG: NO!!!!!!!!!!! REAL help!





John: You mean?





GNG: NO!!!!!!! REAL help, goddammit!!!





Konstantin: You mean?

GNG: Yeah!!!!!





We cut to the Himalayas (actually the snowy Yorkshire dales, as the Himalayas would be too expensive) and the entire crew are in a buddhist monestary (actually an allotment shed, with locals dressed up in red and yellow bed sheets). They light millions of candles and chant in tongues for three hours.






We cut to the two divers who were working at the bottom of the ocean in an earlier scene. They are crawling out of the sea onto a beach. They both have very small cuts on their arms and legs.





Diver 1: Phew - I thought we were done for there for a moment!





Diver 2: Me too. Luckily for us I was carrying my Meg-Away shark spray. And to think - you beat me with a rubber hose for buying it.





Diver 1: I agree.





Diver 2: .......................huh?





Diver 1: Never mind. Y'know - i'm pretty whacked.....................how about we get it on and fist each other?





Diver 2 smiles and bends over. Just as he does this, a poorly CGI'd Meg crashes onto the beach and eats both divers. It then jumps backwards back into the ocean.



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RE: Kinda Wired: The Shark Attack 3: Megalodon Fan-Club - 31/10/2005 4:21:24 PM








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great_badir

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Boondock Saints=shitload of ballbags





Posts: 1783
Joined: 6/10/2005
From: A breaking rope bridge in the middle of the jungle

cut to interior of Temple in Himilayas - John Barrowman is clearly losing patience.

John - Listen guys, I'm JOHN BARROWMAN, and I say we quit with THIS "praying" BS and get to doing some OTHER type of "BS"....Busting SHARKS.....well, MEGS

Tex - YEEHAW, don't be overzealous John Barrowman, we need to meditate before we meet our REAL help....

Konstantin - Yes, I agree

Tex - Shut up Konstantin, your input right here is NOT needed.

Action shot of Tex punching Konstantin right in his HAIR, Konstantin is not nearly the fighter that Tex is, so his head BREAKS and he is effectively knocked out for the rest of my scene....nothing to do with me being lazy mind.

John - What did you do THAT for Tex? He's a part of this TEAM, there's no U in team you know.

UFMG - Actually, there is.

Tex - I agree.....

John - what were we talking about again?

Tex - our saviour......the guy about to come through that door right there.....

Cut to shot of RED door.....this door looks HEAVY, and must be very important....it slowly creaks open, some smoke comes out, we zoom in on feet....feet that have BOOTS on. The viewer is now both PERPLEXED, IMPATIENT and wishing they were DEAD.

John Barrowman, UFMG, Tex and Thorsten gasp.

John - You!

Mystery voice - Yes

John - But.....

Mystery voice - Yes

John: It can't be....

Mystery voice - Yes, it's me

John - but.....

Mystery voice - Yes.....

Cut to exterior shot of a MASSIVE MEG eating a log cabin, followed by a montage of 18 different sized MEGS eating various landmarks around the globe.....one quaffs the Eiffel Tower, one the Statue of Liberty, and one even eats a whole Taco Bell in Boston.

Cut to 2 divers, in the belly of a MEG.

Diver 1 - Damn

Diver 2 - This sucks, fancy that fisting now?


We cut to Professor Snarle's office. For reasons that are far too metaphysical to get into here, Snarle has changed his name to Ernest Borgnine..........cos he is Ernest Borgnine. We hear a knock on the door.

Ernest: Come in!

Two burly henchmen walk in and speak, but the words they are actually speaking do not match what's being dubbed. For this reason, the conversation between Ernest and his henchmen makes no sense whatsoever.

Ernest: What do you two numbskulls want?

Henchman 1: I've just been shocking it up, working my abs. Norbert here has been pumping iron like gasoline.

Ernest: So why did you let them get away????

Henchman 2: As Jeremy said, i've been pumping iron, but I would say more like one of those oil donkeys than gasoline. Look at my buffness!

Ernest: Bastards!! I gave you a simple task and you failed, all because you were too slow for a rocket ship!!!

Henchman 1: Would you like to go out to dinner tonight?

Ernest: What do you mean?

Henchman 2: I think he wants to get you and your saggy face into bed.

Ernest: Hey, that's a....................that's a good idea!

Henchman 1: Ooohhh, yes please!

Henchman 2: At about four tomorrow afternoon.

Ernest: I knew I paid you boys good money for some reason.................now, if only I had a supersonic helicopter with blacked out windows.............then i'd be able to blow those bastards out of space and deliver my salmonoids to starving people at no charge.

Henchman 1: It looks like a dog.

Ernest: No, they're too slow.

Henchman 2: I'm getting my hair done on Friday!

Ernest: Mm-mm - not enough fire power. Hmmmmm................get me Jan Michael Vincent - he must be even more short of work than I am!

Henchmen: Boo-yah!!

Ernest: Ahhh - this shark problem is small fry - ah-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. With these readily available large grenades that actually do very little damage, even when used all together, I should be able to create enough of a diversion for all manner of dastardly jet ski based activies!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Henchmen: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHHA

Ernest: Now go!!

The henchmen walk towards the door. They open it and there is a Meg on the other side with its mouth wide open. Even though they could easily have avoided it, they walk straight into the mouth and disappear in a mist of lame CGI fuzz.

Ernest: Hmmm - maybe I under-estimated these fish. There's only one explanation for their capabilities - they must have cross-bred with killer WHALES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Back to the Temple, where a slow camera pan (upwards) reveals our mystery saviour.

John - WTF! the onlooking black woman who had the mask on (and watched those people DIE going down the water slide) in the Shark Attack 3?!!? I KNEW you had some fucking relevence to the plot somehow!

BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS - Yes, it's me, look at my face.

Tex - Wow, this is fucking AWE inspiring....seriously....and there was me thinking you had zero relevance to anything......you're our SAVIOUR?

BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS - Yes...after I saw those two people FORNICATE themselves down a tube into DEATH, I knew something had to be done about this impending threat...

Tex [interupting] - ....seriously? this is a JOKE right? C'mon, you expect us to believe that you're our saviour?!? I saw that film missy, and it was blatant to me that you were a mere insert shot, possibly a relation to one of the cast or crew?

BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS - That MAY appear to be the case, but you've only seen the theatrical edit of the Shark Attack 3.....trust me, if you'd have seen the Extended 10th year anniversary Directors redux version you'd have seen that I do ALL KINDS OF SHIT that doesn't get a mention....heck, I even invent a new form of NUDITY and BREASTAGE by the end.

John - Sounds intriguing, I'd be interested in partaking in this....does it involve slapping and some dance?

BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS - Be calm John Barrowman and let me explain things better...

By this point the viewer is feeling ANXIOUS as they have not urinated in the last 2 hours....this film is now topping the 4 hour mark and counting....

John - Please....go on.....you SEXY, lovely lady.

BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS - Thank you......like I said before, after seeing those two bit part actors from the Shark Attack 3 plummeting to their WET (in both ways) demises, I became a recluse....I spent 6 years in meditation, masturbating became my lone vice.....slowly I was learning the ways of the MEG.....

John - That's AWESOME....I'd love to have seen that.....the masturbating I mean.

Tex - YEEHAW, I concur wholeheartedly, the thought of you plucking your parts excites me greatly.......

BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS - Yes, anyways, I learnt all kinds of shit....how a MEG thinks, how it FEELS, it's eating patterns....like I said - all kinds of shit......but most importantly, I learnt it's main weakness...

Cut to John looking perplexed/sexually aroused.

John......mmmmmmmmm.....

Suddenley, before the secret of the Meg's weakness is REVEALED a loud CRASHING is heard....the floor shakes like a shitting dog and the cast are THROWN all over the place. This will be SCARY, INTENSE and REINVIGORATING.....random bits of plastic and camera casing will be thrown into view by crew members, this will add to the AUTHENTICITY of the situation.

BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS - QUICKLY, EVERYONE, FOLLOW ME....

Tex - There's no need to shout BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS, it really isn't that loud a crashing....in fact, I can hear perfectly well....you have a really grating voice....it's horrible....no wonder you didn't get a speaking role in the Shark Attack 3.....

UFMG - ....Yes....shut up

BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS - OK....well...let's go anyway...hurry now

Cut to exterior shot of temple - one of the MEGS has just taken a MASSIVE CRAP on the roof of the Temple, causing it to FALL apart....random extras scream and scuttle away, they are SCREAMING.

Back inside....

John - Where are you taking us BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS, this looks suspiciously like the interior of an army installation!

Tex - You ain't shittin bud, this IS an army installation.....I recognise it....somehow....hang on a tooting-rooting-darnfalooting second.....

Cue cut to Scooby-Doo style flash back to Tex in this exact army installation, having the Penis/Missile fashioned for himself by people who look Eastern-European - before being drugged and raped repeatedly in time to a Hungarian Disco beat.

Tex - I remember it all......dang, this is where I got my missile from....Hot Diggidy!

Tex does a dance, the others join in...they all dance for a few seconds, then they laugh.

BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS - Yes, like I said before....I know all kinds of shit....

UFMG - This really is making NO sense now....seriously....I'm fucking lost

Cut to Konstantin, who still lays unconcious....suddenley the roof above him literally breaks, and 20kg of hot, putrid MEG shit falls on him...he drowns but now before swearing loudly.

Konstantin - SHIT! literally....now I am dead.

John - Yes....you are dead.....shit.

Cut to more kids pissing about in a bigger pool, with hats on.

Since we wasted the movie's budget on hiring gay crewmembers as sex doubles, we can't be bothered showing the death scene. Instead, an animated short of a MEG chasing the KIDS on a UNICYCLE will be used]

CUT TO: ARMY BASE

BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS:Here is the plan. We use Tex's spare penis rocket launcher (which is now in his arm) to lure the Megs out of Space. Then, the GNG will use his newly adapted minisub to fly out to the Megs, whereupon he will masturbate at them. So disgusted will they be, that they will infest a million planets before coming back to earth.

GNG: There's only one flaw with that...

BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS: And that is?

GNG: I'm....A WOMAN!!!

He removes his WIG and PENIS to reveal he is in fact, the UFMG. Everyone GASPS.

VOICE OFF-SCREEN: Dammit! I was right!

They turn, and it is KONSTANTIN!

KONSTANTIN: Yes, in a truly inspired twist, I survived! Luckily I managed to use the liquid nitrogen tanks inside the monastery to freeze the Meg and whatever it was that killed me.

JOHN: Thank God you're alive! Now come here and rim me.

KONSTANTIN: No! Because I have an even more shocking twist than the GNG being the UFMG. In fact, the BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS is...

KONSTANTIN runs to the BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS and kicks her. She screams as a DORSAL FIN erupts from her back.

KONSTANTIN: A shape shifting shark!


Cut to a summer camp at night, full of young teenagers. They are laughing and having a generally good time around a camp fire, as young teenagers do. Due to budget restrictions, we are using a clip-together shed as a log cabin and stealing shots from the edge of a forest somewhere. Also, the camp fire is just a large piece of card cut out in the shape of a flame and painted orange. We close in on one teenager.





Teen 1: Hey everyone - wanna hear a................SCARY story!?!?!?!?!?





All: Yaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!





Teen 1: Okay, so there's this....................GUY!!!!!





The other teens scream.





Teen 1: And he's got a................................BRIEFCASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





The other teens scream.





Teen 1: Oh, it's just a normal briefcase. But, one day this guys gets out of bed has a shower, cleans his teeth, get changed and all that. And then he went to work. But when he got to work.....





The other teens gasp.





Teen 1: He discovered that he...........................





The teen looks around at all the other teens.





Teen 1: ................................he discovered that he................LEFT HIS BRIEFCASE AT HOOOOOOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





The other teens scream really loudly.





Teen 1: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.





Other teens: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA





Teen 1: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.





We cut to a POV shot from just beyond the trees. We are looking at the group from a distance and we hear heavy breathing.





Cut back to teen 1.





Teen 1: Shhh..............did you hear something?

The other teens look around at each other.





Teen 1 shrugs.





Teen 1: Oh well - Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.





Other teens: AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.





We cut back to the POV just behind the trees. We start to move forward and close in on the kids. We cut to teen 1 and he stands up and shouts.





Teen 1: LOOOOOOOOOOOK OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!!!!!!!





We cut and see that there is a masked man with a big knife (clearly plastic). Just as he is about to cut the throat of a young coed, a Meg jumps out of the forest and eats the masked man.





Teens: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





The Meg then jumps again and eats the teens. It then gets up and walks away on its tail fins, growling as it does so.





We cut back to the space ship and Konstantin is looking out a window.





Konstantin: Jeepers!!! A meg just ate a load of summer camp kids!!!!





GNG: Never mind that - you're a woman and BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS is a shape shifting shark!!!!!!





BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now you are ALL in my power!!!!!!!!!!!





All of a sudden, in a bid to save time copying out BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS every time she speaks or does something, BWWHTMOAWTPDGDTWS explodes in a fury of shit, bile and flesh. The two divers from earlier climb out of the mess.





Diver 1: You see? I told you my Meg Away shark spray was a good buy!!!!





Diver 2: You've already proven that, you bastard. But I see you've run out of spray now.





Konstantin: But you two have already been eaten several times.





Diver 1: Well, you know what they say......................





Everyone stares at each other in a minute of uncomfortable silence.





Diver 2: So, this shark problem - we've come up with a plan that is GUARANTEED to work and rid the world once again of the Meg.





John: What is it?





Diver 1: It's such a good plan.





GNG: Yes?





Diver 2: It can't possibly fail.





Konstantin: Go on.





Diver 1: Even monkeys could pull it of.





SLA: Do tell.

Diver 2: Perhaps even amoebas could manage it.





UFMG: Mm-hmm?

Diver 1: It really is a splendid plan.





Tex: Yeehaw?





Diver 2: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.





Thorsten: Am I still alive, or have I been killed off??



Diver 1: Hahahahahhahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.





John: Tell us, you shit burgers!!!!





Diver 1: Okay - what we do is................





Just as diver 1 says this, a meg crashes through the wall of the space ship and eats both divers.





John: NOOOOO!!!!! That was our only chance!





Cut to Konstantin looking out the window again.





Konstantin: Good grief.





GNG: For bum-sucking sake, will you stop looking out the assholing window!!!!!!





We cut to some footage from Airwolf of Ernest Borgnine in the helicopter, clearly hovering low over some desert brush. If budget does not allow, then we will just have some home video film of a plastic toy chopper suspended by not-at-all disguised string. Cut back to Konstantin.





Konstantin: It's Borgnine!!





Cut to Ernest Borgnine. Although we are very close up to his face, we can tell that he's still just in his "office".





Ernest: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa - you fools!!!! As soon as I climb onto my jetski here, i'll be able to kill you all!!!!





Ernest moves to the side off camera - this tells us that he has jumped from Airwolf, onto a jetski. Now we can cut to the scene in SA3 when Tolley rides straight into a Meg's mouth. We can either paste a still photo of Borgnine's face onto Tolley or, if that proves too expensive, use the scene as is.......................i'm sure David Worth won't mind.





John: Shit!....................Okay..........................maybe................maybe we should call Casper Van Dien - he's been with these things longer than anyone!





GNG grabs John Barrowman's arm.





GNG: No John - he didn't deal with Megs. Besides, Casper's.................too expensive for us now.





Cut to Jan Michael Vincent bursting in through the door.





JMV: You bastards killed Ernest Borgnine!!!



cut to close up of GNG looking AGOG.

GNG - JMV....what are you doing here? Heck, I don't even remember you being in this film.....or do I? I'm confused....very confused.

JMV - Yes, I am here, and I am ANGRY, hence my LOUD NOISES and general redness in the face. I am so angrgy I may start to PUNCH, KICK, bite or BRUISE anybody who gets in my way......I really have no idea what my relevence here is, but fuck it - I'm ANGRY

cut to Konstantin looking out of another window.

Konstantin - Shit....that Giant MEG is obviously STILL hungry...look.....

They all crowd around the window....and look out of it

UFMG - What is it we're looking at exactly?

Konstantin - Look....there...that Giant MEG is obviously still......hungry.....look

John - I don't see anything.......where am I supposed to be looking Konstantin?

Konstantin - Look there John Barrowman....that Giant.......MEG.......is obviously still hungry.........LOOK

they gasp.

John - shit

Konstantin - Yes......that giant MEG.....still obviously....hungry

UFMG - we've got to do something....now.

cut to exterior - the Giant MEG that is still obviously hungry can be seen EATING THE MOON.

Tex - YEEHAW, I really am at a loss as to what to do in this situation, so I shall recline to this corner here and remain complete silent.

JMV - I'll join you Tex....

JMV joins Tex in the corner....they KISS, it is INTIMATE, SEXY and VERY gay.

UFMG - I think I will not join you.

John - Nor shall I, there is still work to be done.

cut to exterior shot, suddenley the Helicopter pilot from the Shark Attack 3 who went for help in that film (and was still looking several scenes ago) appears from nowhere, having somehow modified his helicopter to travel in outerspace.

Pilot - I got help

cut in interior of helicopter - it's CHUCK FUCKIN NORRIS.

(Actually, it's Chunk Norris, a lookalike from a site I know of....no one will notice as they're either asleep or UNHAPPY)

Chunk Norris - Let's kill this cunt

The Viewer will GASP, this is an AMERICAN film and American's Cannot say the word "cunt" without just sounding WEIRD and odd. They are starting to think that this film is EDGY, GRITTY and "out there".

[cut to action shot of Chunk Norris roundhouse kicking a MEG in the head.....we can achieve this with some stock footage, some discovery channel tapes and some dogs barking]

Chunk Norris - Haahhhahha - I kicked you in the face, and now you've exploded...

Cut to explosion - it's RED and violent - the viewer is HAPPY.

Chunk Norris - I fucking rock

John - he does you know.

Suddenley another MEG appears and BITES Chunk Norris on the FACE.....his head comes off and he dies.

UFMG - Well that was an anti-climax

GNG - A bit shit really....almost like we're clutching at straws here....it's almost as if God's given up on us and can't be arsed to write this shit no more

Tex - YEEHAW

John - I thought you were going to stay silent Tex?

Tex - Well....I got kinda bored of kissing and just felt somehow compelled to speak

John - well don't

John flips Tex the bird - he looks like he just ejaculated again.

cut to interior of helicopter.

Pilot - I'll.....get help.

They all laugh - but it's AWKWARD and not fitting at all.


After the anticlimax that was Chunk Norris, the heroes are a bit lost in their world of space sharks, clumsy writing and random porn. Are they still in the shuttle? I've lost track. The PILOT has gone to...get help.

JOHN BARROWMAN: I still have a plan!

KONSTANTIN (Assuming he's alive-why hasn't this ended yet???): Shit! Really?

JOHN: Yes! I'll call my friend...CHUCK MORRIS!

GNG/UFMG: But, we watched him die.

JOHN: Luckily I know every single Chuck Norris impersonator in the world, and this one is slightly tougher.

CHUCK MORRIS enters, despite the fact that JOHN hasn't even called him yet

CHUCK MORRIS: Let's kill this cock jockey

JOHN: What? I haven't done anything!

CHUCK MORRIS: Not you...the last remaining Meg (I've decided there's only one left because I can't be arsed writing anymore)

JOHN: Yeah! Let's do this!

GNG/UFMG: Yeah!

CHUCK: Yeah!

TEX: YEEHAW!

KONSTANTIN: Shit! I just decided that there hasn't been enough swearing!


As we've overspent the budget 10 times over what with all this moon eating, Ernest Borgnine and helicopters in space, we cut to a long overdue single location round table discussion. The BADLY DUBBED FOREIGN GUY is sat at a table in a cafe' with some trophy women and business types. John Barrowman storms in.

John: (Shaking a fist) YOU!!!!

BDFG: Barrowman, you shark hunting bum-face!...........................cos..................your face is..............like a bum.

John: I am NOT a shark hunter!!!!! How many times!?!?!?!

BDFG: What do you want?

John: I've just come from the space-ship - the moon's been eaten!

BDFG: Ah - I thought it was an early tide today!!.....................space.......ship? I didn't sanction the use of a space ship!!

John: Megs.

Trophy Woman 1: A bunch of women all called Meg?


John slaps the woman hard across the face.

BDFG: Ahhhhh - I thought it was an early tide today!

John: Well, if we don't do something about it, well...........................there'll be................heck to pay!

BDFG: Easy - hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahhaahahahahaahahaaa - there's no need for that sort of woman slapping behaviour. Only I May do that! After all, we're all.................friends here.......ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...........................Eaten?!?!?!? The moon, eaten!?!?!?!?! Eaten by what?

(In case you hadn't noticed, the editing has now gone completely tits up)

John: Megs.

Trophy Woman 1: A bunch of women called Meg?

John slaps the woman hard across the face.

BDFG: Easy - hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahhaahahahahaahahaaa - there's no need for that sort of woman slapping behaviour. Only I May do that! After all, we're all.................friends here.......ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

John: Look - Ernest Borgnine's already been killed as he was attempting to jump from Airwolf to a jetski. He then drove the jetski straight into a Space Meg's open MOUTH!!!! It's only a fine line between Ernest Borgnine and.......................THE EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BDFG shifts and looks round uneasily.

BDFG: John, John.....John - let me...........walk you out.

BDFG grabs John's arm. They move away from the table by one step. They continue to talk loudly and do not even attempt to mask the conversation. Technically, this should cause widespread panic amongst the clientel, but we don't have the budget for a panic scene at this stage, so they just continue as if the clientel can't hear the conversation.................even though they can.

BDFG: Now what is this all about.

John: Megs. Big ones, BDFG. Ernest Borgnine's already been killed as he was attempting to jump from Airwolf to a jetski. He then drove the jetski straight into a Space Meg's open MOUTH!!!! It's only a fine line between Ernest Borgnine and.......................THE EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't have this problem!!

BDFG: How do you know that!?!?!?! I've barely been in this and no one, least of all me and the guy who's dubbing my voice, is really sure of quite where I fit into this and what relation I had, if any, with Ernest Borgnine.............................I guess you could pass me off as the guy who owns the bit of sea where Ernest's pipes were, but that doesn't help with anything........................you git.

John: Listen, BDFG - there's a lot of people out there in space and they're all counting on me to get this thing sorted out........................................

BDFG: .................................................................and?


John: ....................................just that.

BDFG: ...................................i'm sorry, John - I really don't know how I can help.

With this, BDFG turns around. On his back we see a small backpack with this written on it: "MEGALODON KILLING UNIT - GUARANTEED TO DO AWAY WITH ALL MEGALODONS......EVEN SHAPE SHIFTING AND SPACE ONES". We can see that John reads this but, sadly, he does not make the connection between this backpack and the current situation. John walks to the other side of the cafe' and there, sat round another table, are Konstantin, UFMG, Tex, Jan Michael Vincent and whoever else was in the previous scene. They are all "drinking" coffee, but we can clearly see that the budget no longer extends to being able to have liquids on screen, so all of the cups are actually empty.

Konstantin: Any luck?

John: No - he said he couldn't help.

Tex: What was that thing on his back?

John: Oh, some thing.

JMV: Well, looks like you can't afford to keep me on set any more. See ya!

Jan Michael Vincent gets up and walks out. As he exits the cafe', we see in the background that he is interecepted and eaten by a MEG..............still, obviously, very hungry.

Konstantin: What the flip are we gonna do now????

John: We can only hope that some other struggling for work D-list actor hears about our problem and decides to lend a hand. Otherwise we are screwed!

Off camera we hear two voices say "Can we assist?". We cut to Corey Haim and Corey Feldman.

All: THE TWO COREYS!!!!!

Unfortunately, both Coreys are still sporting bright 80s clothes and frizzy hair. This attracts a Meg, which eats them both.

Konstantin: What can we possibly do now?



John: We can only hope that some other struggling for work Z-list actor hears about our problem and decides to lend a hand. Otherwise we are screwed!




We hear a voice say "Can I help??". We cut to Steve Guttenberg.

All: STEVE GUTTENBERG!!!!!

Steve: Yeah. Since attempting to resuscitate my career, nothing's really shifted me from the barrell scraping existence of my life............................I shouldn't have turned down Short Circuit 2 and let that guy with the massive head take over as lead.

Tex: You mean Fisher Stevens.

Steve Guttenberg nods.

Steve: Anyway, what's all this I hear about a bunch of women called Meg?




John: They're sharks, Steve.

Konstantin: Megalodons!!

Steve: Oh..................oh.................sharks...............I......................see.

Suddenly, the Badly Dubbed Foreign Guy storms over.

BDFG: HEY HEY HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My maybe or maybe not boss Ernest Borgnine dies and I get shit all, yet you guys get Steve Guttenberg!!!!! This isn't right at all....................AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

As the plot has now gone totally down the shitter, anything goes as BDFG searches through the phone book for an Ernest Borgnine replacement, as John and crew drag Steve Guttenberg to the space ship and rape his bum.



Everyone from the last scene and Steve Guttenberg head back to the shuttle by jumping up and down on a trampoline until they reach outer space.

KONSTANTIN: Where's Chuck Morris? I left him here to look after my prize marrows!

We cut to reveal CHUCK MORRIS, who has impaled himself on KONSTANTIN's prized marrow.

KONSTANTIN: Shit! How am I going to win the contest now?

JOHN: Never mind about that. Steve Guttenberg, what do we do?

STEVE: What if, what if WE'RE really the Megs, and what we PERCEIVE as the Meg's are in fact maverick shark hunters?

JOHN: Wait a minute, that's...MEG TALK!

We see that Steve Guttenberg is really a SHARK! Well, a shark mask stuck on a guy's head, but a MEG nonetheless.John SHOOTS him with his trusty marrow-gun.

JOHN: Now what are going to do?

OFF-SCREEN VOICES: Holy Nightmare!

We turn around and see...ADAM WEST and BURT WARD!

JOHN: Holy hell, it's Adam West and Burt Ward!

BURT WARD: You mean Batman and Robin!

JOHN: Err...yeah. Whatever you say. Any ideas on how we can stop the Megs from becoming too ludicrous?

ADAM WEST: It's too late for that. Look!

We cut immediately to the next scene. What happened will feature on the Master edition of the DVD. Suffice to say, ADAM WEST, BURT WARD and JOHN BARROWMAN are all in bed together smoking cigarettes.

JOHN: Wow, that was eventful!

ADAM: I learned the true meaning of christmas!

BURT: I saved a Sputnik full of orphans from travelling Welshmen!

JOHN: I fucked you both in the ass!

ADAM: Fear not, for I...have a plan!


Cut to Adam and Burt dressed in their original Batman costumes. Adam has his utility belt at the ready.

Konstantin: ........................are you sure this will work?

Burt: Relax, you she-male motherfucker - this is what me and Batm....I mean, Adam do for a living.

Adam: That's right, my short-tempered compadre. Let's (puts finger up to mouth in brief moment of brainstorming)........................away to the Batmobile!!!!!

They run off. Because I don't know American cars, we cut to a small and rusty Vauxhall Corsa. Burt does a lame roll over the bonet and they get in. Adam puts the key in the ignition and turns it. But the engine doesn't start and it just keeps chugging but not turning over. We cut back to the gang, but we can still hear Adam trying to start the car in the background.

Konstantin: I don't think they're up to this...............besides, this all seems to be moving into parody now, and leaving behind its somewhat serious intentions.

John: Shut it, Konstantin.

John kicks Konsantin right where his balls should be.

John: I've felt the inner contours of both their rectums, and I know thay can do it!!!

We then hear that Adam manages to get the car started. We hear both Adam and Burt shout "YIPEEEE!!" in a really rubbish way, but just as they're about to pull off, a Meg eats them and the car.

Tex: Holy to-leeeeedo!

UFMG: This................can't be happening.

John: Well it is, you pathetic bastard!

Tex: Just how many Megs are there?

Konstantin: Too many....................I don't think we have a hope in hell.

We cut to spinning newspaper headlines saying things like "NO HOPE IN HELL - MEGS TAKE OVER THE WORLD", "IS THE EARTH NEXT?", "MEGS - BILLIONS, HUMANS - 0" and "GNG IN SHOCK ANIMAL SEX SHAME".

GNG: Dammit!!! This is still verging on parody. We need something to happen that brings it back into the realms of furrow browed film-making.

Just as GNG says this, everything goes black. We cut to a Meg in space - it has swallowed the earth and all the Megs that were attacking it. Its growling. We then cut to John sitting bolt upright in bed. We hear a voice say "what's up honey?"

John: I......................just had this horrible nightmare - there were sharks everywhere killing everything and men were women and Steve Guttenberg was a shark....

Voice: Oh, don't worry.....

Adam West sits up.

Adam: We'll get those bastard Megs in the morning!

Burt: Yeah......................in the meantime, whatsay you eat our pussies??

John gets out of bed, sinks to his knees and looks up to the sky with his hands stretched out.

John: (In very slight slo-mo) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


JOHN, ADAM and BURT, along with THE RESTS, are sat around a table in a Mexican restaurant.

JOHN: How can we stop the Megs from eating the universe?

ADAM: I have a plan!

BURT: Holy Fajitas, Batman! What is it?

ADAM: We'll need help.

GNG: I'm going to need to call in some help, from Thorsten Kaye, Casper Van Dien, Jan Michael Vincent and Dwight Schultz.

JOHN: Didn't we kill them already?

KONSTANTIN: To be honest, I've lost track.

GNG: I'll call them!

GNG gets out a shell and blows into it. CASPER VAN DIEN, THORSTEN KAYE, DWIGHT SCHULTZ and JAN-MICHAEL VINCENT suddenly pour into the room.

JMV: While we've been travelling, we've come up with a plan. We trap the Megs...IN A BLACK HOLE!

GNG: How do we do that?

JOHN: We get our other Space Shuttle, fly out to their nesting grounds and push them in!

THORSTEN: How will they fit in?

DWIGHT: I have a lot of KY Jelly we can use!

JOHN: Excellent Idea!

CASPER: Does anyone remember me? I was in Starship Troopers!

BURT: Holy black hole! LOOK!

We see the MEG ARMY eating MARS. We'll use PUPPETS.

JOHN: This is getting serious! Soon they'll eat our sun!

GNG: We haven't much time!

ADAM WEST: To the Bat-Space Shuttle!


The GANG [so called because I can't remember their names] are in the BAT SPACE SHUTTLE. They fly out to the nesting grounds.

ADAM: There they are...sleeping.

BURT: Holy Nightol, Batman!

ADAM: Worthwhile contribution Robin, BUT...how are we going to lure them to the Black Hole?

TEX (Did we kill him? If so, he survived again): I'll fire my Penis Tomahawk at them.

JOHN: Good thinking.

Tex gets out of the BAT SPACE SHUTTLE and thrusts towards them MEGS, killing one.

DWIGHT: That hasn't got their attention! Keep firing!

JMV: We need...AIRWOLF!

JMV runs out of the shuttle and back down to earth. We use the "Airwolf" opening credits to show the copter starting up, and then we superimpose it onto some black cloth to make it space-y. AIRWOLF strafes the MEGS.

THORSTEN: We did it! The Megs are after us!

CASPER: Hello? I kissed Denise Richards and worked for that dutch guy! How am I not famous?

JOHN pushes CASPER out of the AIRLOCK because he complains a lot.

JOHN: Bad news...Casper was eaten by a Meg.

KONSTANTIN: Those bastards!

ADAM: To the Black Hole! Dwight, prepare the lube!


The team have corralled the MEGS near the Black Hole using AIRWOLF. AIRWOLF has now docked with the BAT-SPACE SHUTTLE.

DWIGHT: I have prepared the lube missile. It will hit the Megs allowing them to become soft and pliable to the Black Hole. At this point, The Bat Shuttle will use some form of anti-Meg net and force them in the direction of the Black Hole.

JOHN: OK then, lets do it!

KONSTANTIN: Shit yeah!

The sequence in which the MEGS are pushed into the black hole will be REPLACED by a PIXAR short. Probably that one with the BIRDS. Only one MEG survives the trip through and lands on a distant planet.

EXT-DESERT: DAY.

The MEG explodes, showing CASPER! Despite being murdered by JOHN BARROWMAN, he rode the MEG through the Black Hole and is now safe on the other side!

CASPER: Thank God. Where am I?

We hear a distant rumbling. A large CROWD comes over the hill. They stop once they see CASPER and fall to their knees. A PRIEST comes through.

PRIEST: Hail! It is he who has been prophesied to rid us...OF THE DEADITES!

CROWD: Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail!

CASPER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!


An evil laugh is heard cut to...



With blatant disregard for who's made it and who was killed, all the gang are together saying goodbye, a la Return Of The King.

Konstantin: John - even though you did very little throughout this entire saga, other than looking like Tom Cruise and saying "shit" a lot, I really don't think we could have done it without you........what are your plans?

John: (Sighs) Well, I figured I might go in the studio and do another album..............maybe 'John Barrowman Fists Sinatra'. I also thought about going back into children's TV - i'm sure they're dying for me after all my sex escapades!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA. What about you?

Konstantin: Well, now everyone knows i'm a woman I can beat off the shackles or repression and fight for black male dubbed white chicks everywhere................either that or join a freak show, whichever is more fulfilling.

John and Konstantin hug.

John: Nice. What about you GNG?

GNG: (Looking sheepish) Aw shucks - I done gone and met someone! I'll be settling down now. I'll have to clear my house of nuclear armaments of course, but it's a small price to pay.

John: Who's the lucky lady?

GNG: Oh, it's.....................no one you know.

John and GNG hug.

Cut to end credits. They run for a few seconds, then we go back to...

John: And how about you, Tex?

Tex: Well, yeehaw, I thought I might open up a cowboy school somewheres with an on-site surgery for genital weapons. Yeehaw.

John and Tex hug.

John: Cool. Thorsten?

End credits. Then...

Thorsten: I'll be swimming back to South Africa to sort out that pesky beach of death.

John: The one with the drownings?

Thorsten: THEY'RE NOT DROWNINGS, GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.................They're sharks.

End credits. Then.....

John: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Thorsten: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

John: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

John and Thorsten hug.

John: What are you gonna do now, UFMG?

UFMG: There's an opening at Yale for someone who's much dumber than their character suggests. I figured I might go there...............but only if you eat my pussy.

John: Sure.

John eats UFMG's pussy.

John: Dwight?

Dwight: My destiny lies in Star Trek cameos and A-Team reunions.

John and Dwight hug.

John: Adam and Burt?

Adam: Some days.....................you just..................can't think................what to do next.

Burt punches his right fist into his left palm.

Burt: Holy fuckin' shit, Adam West!

John: Whatever.

John, Adam and Burt hug.

End credits. Then.....



John: How about you, Jan Michael Vincent?

JMV: Well, I reckon there's a possible space for me in Tarantino's next film after this. He watches crap like this.

John: Good for you!

John and JMV have big gay sex.

John: What about you, sexy lab assistant?

SLA: Oh, i'll stay around for Shark Attack 5.......i'll probably be made star as a really weak and ultra-cheap link to this film.

John: Great.

End credits. Then....

Steve Guttenberg: ......................anyone.............interested in what i'm up to?

All: NO!!!!

Steve Guttenberg puts his hands in his pockets and kicks his feet.

John grabs a mic off camera and music swells. He starts crooning. Due to budget restrictions, it'll have to be some really obscure crooner's song that's in the public domain (so no Sinatra, Tony Bennett or anything). We fade to the end credits. The credits finish and we cut to a title card:

Epilogue

We cut back to the gang celebrating like it's an office party or something, when suddenly two ghostly apparitions appear - it is diver 1 and diver 2.

Diver 1: Our fool-proof plan goes like this...

Diver 2: We trap the Megs in a black hole by going to their nesting grounds and pushing them in.

Diver 1: Precisely.

Diver 2: We can use Tex's penis tomahawk to attract their attention and then we'll use ourselves as bait to lure them in. If the penis tomahawk doesn't work...

Diver 1: We can ask Jan Michael Vincent to strafe them with Airwolf.

Diver 2: Yes. Once the Megs have got close enough to the black hole, we'll fire a lube missile prepared by the A-Team's Murdoch to make them pliable enough and slippery enough to fit, then we'll use an anti-Meg net to force them in.

Diver 1: See - a fool proof plan!!! The ONLY downside is if one of us gets caught up in the black hole as well.

Diver 2: Shyuh - there's no telling where one might end up!!!!

They look at each other and laugh.

Diver 1: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Diver 2: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Diver 1: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAJAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Cut to the gang. They are staring at divers 1 and 2 as if they are eating turds. Divers 1 and 2 then disappear.

Tex: Well that was odd. Yeehaw.

John: Indeed......................what's say I gum down on your smooth genital disc?

We cut to black. Title card says:

Epi-Epilogue

We cut to GNG. He is in a hospital standing next to a bed. He's holding someone's hand. There is lots of grunting.

GNG: COME ON!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

We hear a growl and then a pop. GNG smiles as he picks up a bundle in a towel. He looks up to the person off camera and smiles.

GNG: It's a..................thing!

We cut to the "person" in the bed and it's a MEG!!!!!! We then dolly back and pan down to the bundle in the towel. It is a weird Meg/GNG cross which looks like a condom with arms and legs.

GNG: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fade to black. A big question mark appears on screen, followed by a dog bark.

THE END.



Cut to -



The Pilot (the one who went to get help) bursts into an empty room with the entire US marines behind him.

Pilot: I got help!

Notices everyone else has gone.

Pilot: Dammit.



And then the marines all shoot him for wasting their time. And then they get eaten by a Meg.




Black.



This really is the end!.......................................................................................................??



_____________________________

Harry Dresden - Wizard
Lost items found. Paranormal investigations. Consulting. Advice. Reasonable rates. No love potions, endless purses, parties or other entertainment.

(in reply to great_badir)
Post #: 6007
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 19/3/2012 6:56:20 PM   
DazDaMan


Posts: 10109
Joined: 8/9/2006
From: Penicuik - a right shithole
What. The fuck?

_____________________________

You fucking fuckers are gonna do what I say or I'm going to stick my foot so far up your assholes you'll rue the day you crawled out of your mother's twat!

(in reply to WilliamMunny)
Post #: 6008
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 19/3/2012 7:23:29 PM   
WilliamMunny


Posts: 6767
Joined: 23/8/2006
From: McAnally's
It's a copy of the script for SA4! Written by some of the (mostly now departed) members of this thread.

Due to vanishing pages (possibly eaten by a Meg) on this thread, it had apparently vanished into the digital ether. But there was another copy (we always keep a spare - it's the navy way). Took me some digging around to find it, but its not like i had anything better to do - i was at work after all

_____________________________

Harry Dresden - Wizard
Lost items found. Paranormal investigations. Consulting. Advice. Reasonable rates. No love potions, endless purses, parties or other entertainment.

(in reply to DazDaMan)
Post #: 6009
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 19/3/2012 7:34:44 PM   
DazDaMan


Posts: 10109
Joined: 8/9/2006
From: Penicuik - a right shithole


_____________________________

You fucking fuckers are gonna do what I say or I'm going to stick my foot so far up your assholes you'll rue the day you crawled out of your mother's twat!

(in reply to WilliamMunny)
Post #: 6010
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 20/3/2012 7:42:26 AM   
jonson


Posts: 9089
Joined: 30/9/2005

quote:

ORIGINAL: WilliamMunny

It's a copy of the script for SA4! Written by some of the (mostly now departed) members of this thread.

Due to vanishing pages (possibly eaten by a Meg) on this thread, it had apparently vanished into the digital ether. But there was another copy (we always keep a spare - it's the navy way). Took me some digging around to find it, but its not like i had anything better to do - i was at work after all





I thought the script was lost!! I was half expecting to see a film version in the works, stolen from an idea etc.
Nice one for keeping a copy Will, that must be worth millions as a concept

_____________________________

I've got all the Barbie ones!!!

Yeah but you're old. Really old. Old. Old. Old. Old.

(in reply to WilliamMunny)
Post #: 6011
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 20/3/2012 11:46:34 AM   
st3veebee


Posts: 2353
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: 9303 Lyon Drive
Ahhhhhh....now I get it.

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Post #: 6012
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 20/3/2012 1:43:13 PM   
great_badir


Posts: 4662
Joined: 6/10/2005
From: A breaking rope bridge in the middle of the jungle
Sterling detective skills Munny!!!!!!!!!!

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FAVE FILMS
BO BOMBS

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Post #: 6013
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 20/3/2012 3:28:01 PM   
jonson


Posts: 9089
Joined: 30/9/2005
Piranha 3DD trailer. Looks awesome, love The Hoff cameo

http://news.moviefone.com/2012/03/19/piranha-3dd-red-band-trailer-liveblog_n_1365177.html?ref=moviefone



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I've got all the Barbie ones!!!

Yeah but you're old. Really old. Old. Old. Old. Old.

(in reply to great_badir)
Post #: 6014
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 23/3/2012 4:37:14 PM   
Karl Crutchley


Posts: 793
Joined: 25/6/2007
From: Grey Britain
SHARK ATTACK box set £2.95 in Zavvi's clearance folks!

Myself, I got Mega Python vs Gatoroid for the same price

(in reply to jonson)
Post #: 6015
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 23/3/2012 5:53:41 PM   
OPEN YOUR EYES

 

Posts: 4381
Joined: 5/2/2012

quote:

ORIGINAL: jonson

Piranha 3DD trailer. Looks awesome, love The Hoff cameo

http://news.moviefone.com/2012/03/19/piranha-3dd-red-band-trailer-liveblog_n_1365177.html?ref=moviefone




Well there you have it the first (modern) 3D porn film.

(in reply to jonson)
Post #: 6016
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 25/3/2012 12:50:42 PM   
DazDaMan


Posts: 10109
Joined: 8/9/2006
From: Penicuik - a right shithole
How AWESOME is this??





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You fucking fuckers are gonna do what I say or I'm going to stick my foot so far up your assholes you'll rue the day you crawled out of your mother's twat!

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Post #: 6017
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 26/3/2012 4:01:12 PM   
Woger


Posts: 3815
Joined: 30/9/2005
So much to look forward to!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mk6UIXpQJoY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qEfO5iNicI&feature=related

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Eddie: "Weve been burgaled"
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Post #: 6018
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 26/3/2012 6:04:03 PM   
Swoz_MK


Posts: 2884
Joined: 18/10/2005
quote:

ORIGINAL: Woger

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qEfO5iNicI&feature=related


had this for a few months. Not even so-bad-its-good. Just bloody unwatchable.

(in reply to Woger)
Post #: 6019
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 11/4/2012 12:33:26 AM   
nutteronabus


Posts: 646
Joined: 27/2/2006
How's about a bit of un-press released information?

A little birdie tells me that Jaws is being re-released in cinemas on June 15th. No idea what scale release it'll be, but I imagine it'll be somewhat akin to last year's Jurassic Park re-issue.

Watch it happen.

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(in reply to Swoz_MK)
Post #: 6020
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 11/4/2012 7:54:40 AM   
jonson


Posts: 9089
Joined: 30/9/2005

quote:

ORIGINAL: nutteronabus

How's about a bit of un-press released information?

A little birdie tells me that Jaws is being re-released in cinemas on June 15th. No idea what scale release it'll be, but I imagine it'll be somewhat akin to last year's Jurassic Park re-issue.

Watch it happen.


Cool.
I doubt it will get a nationwide release like JP, or Titanic, as I just don't think there's enough to lure in the young generation (I'd like to think so but sadly I'm probably right) but I'd certainly be first in line if it's true nutteronabus.

_____________________________

I've got all the Barbie ones!!!

Yeah but you're old. Really old. Old. Old. Old. Old.

(in reply to nutteronabus)
Post #: 6021
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 11/4/2012 12:01:55 PM   
nutteronabus


Posts: 646
Joined: 27/2/2006

quote:

ORIGINAL: jonson


quote:

ORIGINAL: nutteronabus

How's about a bit of un-press released information?

A little birdie tells me that Jaws is being re-released in cinemas on June 15th. No idea what scale release it'll be, but I imagine it'll be somewhat akin to last year's Jurassic Park re-issue.

Watch it happen.


Cool.
I doubt it will get a nationwide release like JP, or Titanic, as I just don't think there's enough to lure in the young generation (I'd like to think so but sadly I'm probably right) but I'd certainly be first in line if it's true nutteronabus.



Well, as far as I can make it, Universal are re-issuing it as a promo for the Blu-Ray release, much like they did with JP last year. And they're making a Big Fucking Deal™ about the restoration of it.

I guess we'll see in a few months!

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Post #: 6022
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 12/4/2012 6:36:10 PM   
Sutty


Posts: 3552
Joined: 6/6/2006
From: the front row
Anyone heard of this...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_Shark_2:_Urban_Jaws

Sounds utterly bizzare. And I love how they have started with part 2, with part 1 having never actually been made... Gonna root out a trailer!

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(in reply to nutteronabus)
Post #: 6023
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 17/4/2012 12:09:01 PM   
Sleazy


Posts: 1828
Joined: 16/10/2005
I was in the mood for some of this last night so watched "Frankenfish".

Its probably the best one of these I've seen. With a few more quid it could have been a cinema release.

What did you guys think?

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PSN ID: Sleazytoon

(in reply to Sutty)
Post #: 6024
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 30/4/2012 10:44:20 AM   
Swoz_MK


Posts: 2884
Joined: 18/10/2005
Watched this last night. Actually really good fun. It helped that I'm a Fred Olen Ray fan anyway. Worth a sniff.



(in reply to Sleazy)
Post #: 6025
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 30/4/2012 12:29:49 PM   
Sleazy


Posts: 1828
Joined: 16/10/2005
Watched "Dark Tides" yesterday, not great. 1 decent shark kill where the great white does the South African burst out of the water thing with someone in its gob. Most of it was very dark so it was difficult to keep track.

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Gamertag: Sleazycome

PSN ID: Sleazytoon

(in reply to Swoz_MK)
Post #: 6026
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 30/4/2012 4:11:11 PM   
Sutty


Posts: 3552
Joined: 6/6/2006
From: the front row
quote:

ORIGINAL: nutteronabus

Morning, sharkies.

Is it Christmas yet?

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005K0GC0M


I don't share the enthusiasm of others... For one it is rather phallic looking which puts me off slightly. And the shark would take up valuable brew space, not to mention it would stop you dunking biscuits too, which is bad.



_____________________________

"Lord, make me your instrument of peace. Where there is hatred, let me bring love.
Where there is darkness, light."

"When you're pushed, killin's as easy as breathin'"

(in reply to nutteronabus)
Post #: 6027
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 17/5/2012 10:53:45 AM   
Swoz_MK


Posts: 2884
Joined: 18/10/2005
Got this tonight


(in reply to Swoz_MK)
Post #: 6028
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 17/5/2012 11:38:32 AM   
Swoz_MK


Posts: 2884
Joined: 18/10/2005

(in reply to Swoz_MK)
Post #: 6029
RE: THE BARROWMAN IS BACK IN WORK! - 18/5/2012 10:40:00 AM   
Swoz_MK


Posts: 2884
Joined: 18/10/2005
Tonight's required viewing -


(in reply to Swoz_MK)
Post #: 6030
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