matty_b -> Bus and train nutters (28/9/2012 11:00:21 AM)
We've all had them when using public transport. You know, the people who insist on sitting next to you when the rest of the vehicle is empty and are clearly out of their heads. Any interesting examples?
I was getting the train from Middlesbrough to Sunderland whilst at university one day after visiting my friend who was studying there. The train was packed so I took the nearest available seat which was at a table for four and I found myself sitting opposite to a gentleman whose main distinguishing feature was a red scar in the middle of his forehead about the size of a 50p piece.
"All right, mate" says he.
A bit of a pause.
"Do you want some of this sandwich?" he asked, waving a half-eaten sandwich in its packet at me.
"Erm...no, I'm all right for food, thanks."
"OK. How about some Coke?" he then said, with the dregs of some pop sloshing about in a can he had proffered me.
"No, no, I'm fine. Really."
Another pause as he considers his next sentence.
"It was lying there when I sat down, so I've no idea where it came from anyway."
"Riiiiight." Well, don't I feel stupid for refusing this offer now?
Anyway, he continues to badger me about nothing in particular until he then tells me that he's just got out of prison.
"And do they know that?" I think, but crucially don't say.
"Yeah, that's where I got this", he said, pointing to the scar on his forehead. "A broken pool cue. It hurt."
Great. Spiffing. By this point, we've arrived at another station and more people get on, including two girls about my age (early 20s at the time - the guy was about ten years older) who take the only available seats - the one next to me, and the one next to the prisoner at large. As they start talking to each other, it becomes clear that they're French. His ears prick up and he butts into their conversation.
"Oh, you're French?" he kind of shouts at them, in the way that your grandparents do when they think that that will make someone understand their English better. They nod at him nervously.
"Erm, er, er..." he stutters before looking at me beseechingly as if I was his fucking wingman in this insane situation. Eventually, however, he manages to find something to say, something that will appeal to their cultural differences.
"Erm....un, deux, trois. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
Yes, that was his golden plan to seduce these French ladies. To recite the only three French numbers he knew at them, before laughing hysterically in their faces.
Suffice to say it did not work, and the rest of the journey was most awkward, with me a) wishing that I'd brought some headphones and b) praying that I, and to a lesser extent the Frenchies, got out of the train alive.
I've never seen the man since, but not a day goes by where I don't think of him.
Anyone else got any similar stories?