Conan The Barbarian (Full Version)

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Empire Admin -> Conan The Barbarian (22/8/2011 12:12:58 PM)

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J_BUltimatum -> CONAN! (22/8/2011 12:12:58 PM)

Saw it this morning. Ticks all the boxes. Blood, boobs and battles. Pretty much what you'd expect from a Conan film. Makes you come out wanting to cut things up then head to the pub for some wenches and mead.




Holyzeus -> RE: CONAN! (23/8/2011 6:15:25 PM)

Why has this still not been reviewed by Empire..........?




genejoke -> RE: CONAN! (25/8/2011 12:15:55 AM)

Well i saw it tonight and it is my favourite film of the year.

It isn't as memorable as the Arnie movie, neither script nor score match up to the original at all. However Jason momoa is very good as Conan and it is more true to the original stories.




Wild about Wilder -> RE: CONAN! (26/8/2011 9:29:06 AM)

I really enjoyed this despite what Kim Newman thought or did he really put any thought into whatever he called that mention a few cast names & have a pop at the Director that's the sign of a good jounalist must've took all of what 2 minutes! [8|] Just LAZYNESS!
Anyway back to the film I thought the action was exellent there was definetly no holding back on the blood & gore suprised it wasn't an 18 probably lack of sex & swearing? the child who played young Conan was AMAZING could happily see him again also Ron Perlman's in it what's not to like . One thing though didn't know they had dentistry back then as nearly everyone had nice shiney white pearlers.




sinc2k -> Imitations?! (26/8/2011 9:31:46 AM)

The Sword And The Sorcerer is an EXCELLENT film! Hawk The Slayer, not so much. Watched the original Conan when it came out on VHS (remember them?), so bit sceptical that this might just traumatise me....




Bighousewill -> RE: Imitations?! (26/8/2011 12:13:59 PM)

I agree I was skeptical the minute I first saw the actor that plays Conan in an empire interview I thought he looked more Xena Warrior princess than Conan. Then I saw the trailer and was dismayed to see him talk in an American accent. Then I thought I hope this won't be shitty money spinning moronic drivel that bares no relation to the original stories. Then I saw the two star rating and thought I may as well read the review before I see the film and now I don't want to see it. Thank you Empire.




Piles -> RE: Imitations?! (26/8/2011 5:17:16 PM)

Absolutely terrible film. Action is a mess (seriously, it's so poorly choreographed and combatants disappear in one shot to re-appear somewhere else in the next...), the plot is absolute bollocks, and there are some really nasty streaks of misogynism here. Avoid.




paul_ie86 -> RE: Imitations?! (26/8/2011 5:30:59 PM)

What did you expect? It's not one of those nampy-pamby black and white arthouse films. It's was never going to win an Oscar. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?




Piles -> RE: Imitations?! (26/8/2011 5:32:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: paul_ie86

What did you expect? It's not one of those nampy-pamby black and white arthouse films. It's was never going to win an Oscar. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?


A film where the answer to a free-thinking woman isn't to gag her and tell her to go to sleep?




paul_ie86 -> RE: Imitations?! (26/8/2011 5:34:06 PM)

Woman can think for themselves?!?!??!?!?!??!?1?!?




Deviation -> RE: Imitations?! (26/8/2011 5:36:59 PM)

No, they can't. Back to the 1920s I say. 




Bighousewill -> RE: Imitations?! (26/8/2011 5:42:24 PM)

quote:

What did you expect? It's not one of those nampy-pamby black and white arthouse films. It's was never going to win an Oscar. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
I expect a decent film not moronic drivel




Dr Lenera -> RE: Imitations?! (26/8/2011 6:44:50 PM)

The evil Khalar Zym seeks the parts of a mask which, when complete, will turn the wearer into a powerful god.  Meanwhile in the northern land of Cimmeria, Conanís mother dies after giving birth to him during a battle. As a boy Conan starts to become a fine warrior, but then Zym and his band of brigands raid his village because it contains a part of the mask he is after, and kill Conanís father.  The boy spends many years in the wilderness but never forgets his mission of revenge and one day chances upon one of Zymís old warriors whose nose he cut off as a child. While Conan at last gain knowledge as to Zymís whereabouts, Zym reveals a plan to use the blood of a virgin to resurrect his dead wifeÖÖÖ


  Conan The Barbarian is bloody awful.  That could be my review, but that wonít really do when I try to spend at least four paragraphs describing a film.  Conan the sword swinging warrior first appeared in 1935 when Robert E. Howard wrote some short stories for Wierd Tales magazine in 1935, and has been the subject of countless books and comic books since, not to mention the two movies starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.   Now I am a bit of a fan of those films, especially the first one, but even I have to admit that they donít bare much resemblance to the source material, especially concerning Conan himself, who mutated from an agile, intelligent warrior to a brutish, muscle bound killer.  I was willing to give this new version the benefit of the doubt, but within five minutes youíll probably realise this is a piece of total and utter crap, and certainly no closer to Howard either.  Itís inept in almost every way; the trouble is that itís not even fun in a certain way, the way bad sword and sorcery clicks can be.   I would imagine only barbarians would enjoy it.

It gets it wrong right from the opening, where a Lord Of The Rings-type setting-the-scene narration over various images is done byÖÖÖ..Morgan Freeman.   Now I know he has a great voice and all, but it just doesnít fit the tawdry CG imagery we are seeing.   The first scene proper has Conan being born, and it really is an atrocious scene.   Whilst everyone else around them fights, Conanís mother starts to give birth, her husband comes over, performs a caesarean in about two seconds without even looking, then the woman dies as the enormous CG baby comes out.  Then, in a bit I couldnít believe, the father holds the baby in the air a la The Lion KingÖÖ.whilst everyone is still battling around them.  Much of the rest of the film is as inept, but sadly not nearly as amusing.  The movie soon resolves itself into an endless series of battles in various locations which are all extremely different, from something resembling an Ancient Greek temple to an Arabian-type town, but which appear only around the block from each other because we hardly ever see Conan travelling.  Presumably that was considered boring and wasting time which could be spent on fights.

Now I cannot believe that this critic,who is a big fan of many action movies including martial arts films, is saying this, but the endless brawling gets really boring, partially because there is never any tension and partially because every single bit of action is staged in one second cuts.  I donít like this way of filming action anyway, but director Marcus Nispel and cinematographer Thomas Kloss bodge it totally, with quite often the camera seeming like itís having trouble catching up with whatever Conan is doing.  I didnít see this in 3D, but it must have been an incoherent blur most of the time.  Even in 2D, I just wanted, once, to see a fight properly, to see Conan slice someone properly etc. There are two action scenes which actually may have been really good if filmed properly [and I don't mean the really dull battle with an octopus-type creature where Conan just stands there and occasionally ducks] a horse chase, and a potentially thrilling set piece of Conan battling sand demons and jumping around on things Jackie Chan-style.   In this sequence you can just about see some really great stunt work, and the sand demons look pretty good, though elsewhere the CGI is generally mediocre and sometimes abysmal, including the worse CG horse I have ever seen.  It all winds up in inside a mountain atop a volcano, which starts to crumble [but stops for a bit to let people fight in specific areas] for no apparent reason.

It might sound like I am being too hard on a film which is basically about one man with a sword killing loads of other men and doesnít really pretend to be anything else, but the original Conan The Barbarian gave proceedings an epic sweep and Conan The Destroyer at least made the premise into a fun romp; this effort does neither.  It just tries to bludgeon you with endless sword swinging and crap CG blood.  I will say that gorehounds may be pleased because the brutality in this movie is astonishing.  Noses are sliced off [and later on fingers are inserted into where the nose was], heads are smashed to pulp on rocks, blood swishes out constantly, etc; though laughably Conan scrapes through with hardly a scratch.   Honestly though, the BBFC really got this wrong by giving it a Ď15í.  Now the script has apparently seen many changes but still gives the impression of being thrown together and at times is truly stupid.  Conan has just been bested by Zym so he returns to fight him again almost immediately with no rest.  Zym puts on the complete mask on his face, the mask that is supposed to make him a mighty god, the mask becomes like an Alien facehugger, but then nothing else happens. to him, he stays the same.  This isnít remarked upon either.  Apart from a few quotes, thereís little of Howard, and the film at times seems to be more derived from films like The Scorpion King.  Conan himself is just a growling psychopath, and although poor Jason Momoa, who is clearly a better actor than Arnie, actually does what he can with the role, heís lost.  Then again, everyone just grimaces [the villains sometimes do it into the camera] and yells and screams, thatís mostly the filmís dialogue.

This is coming from someone who liked his remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but Nispel, who should be renamed Marcus Dismal, really proves himself to be a bad director.  The film has no rhythm, some of the cutting between shots doesnít match, some shots last too long: honesty, itís as if Nispel and his editor Ken Blackwell have never been to film school.   Stephen Lang is a dull main villain though Rose McGowan is rather fun, and wearing a truly crazy get-up, as his accomplice.  Ron Perlman in his brief role just looks tired. Tyler Batesí score backs the action reasonably well and lacks any memorable themes or indeed cues; itís just monotonous.   I donít know why the whole film was made, really, because itís as if they didnít really try.  Maybe one day they will film Howardís Conan.  In the meantime, excuse me while I try to banish this garbage from my mind and go and watch Red Sonja or Hawk The Slayer.
2/10
 




briza3059 -> Disapointing (27/8/2011 5:36:13 AM)

So disappointing....I have fond memories of the original from when I was a kid....but I knew I had to go in there with no expectations....that being said this film hand none of the charm or elements of the original, it was pure drivil. I think Mamoa would of been fine with better material but this writing was just crap. The most annoying thing was that the music kept sounding like it was about to spring into the theme from the original which was one of my favorite elements. It never eventuated and just compounded my irritation for a very crappy film......




filmsunlimited -> 90 minutes of in your face action and gore and not much more (27/8/2011 9:51:45 AM)

Aficionados of violence and gore will lap this one up. 'Highlights' include head slamming in ship wheels, molten metal poured over the face (OK technically that one is a sacrifice.) And the gore flies left, right and centre (and seems to be mainly for the 3D) but doesn't tend to be any more original than the odd splash of blood for the most part. What little plot there is doesn't really inspire much interest, of the 117 films I have watched at the cinema since Jan 1st this will be more forgettable than many. Unusual criticism this but there is too much action, it is just one battle scene after another with little background. There are some spectacular (CGI) backdrops but the whole thing has a gloomy air. Passable but there is better out at the moment.




Wild about Wilder -> RE: Disapointing (27/8/2011 9:52:45 AM)

Just have to say if this is so crap then so's 300?




Darth Marenghi -> RE: Imitations?! (27/8/2011 12:53:58 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: paul_ie86

What did you expect? It's not one of those nampy-pamby black and white arthouse films. It's was never going to win an Oscar. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?


Highly amused that Kim has just ripped Paul a new one on Facebook. I should probably tell him Paul was joking around.[:D]




Olaf -> RE: Imitations?! (27/8/2011 1:57:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darth Marenghi


quote:

ORIGINAL: paul_ie86

What did you expect? It's not one of those nampy-pamby black and white arthouse films. It's was never going to win an Oscar. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?


Highly amused that Kim has just ripped Paul a new one on Facebook. I should probably tell him Paul was joking around.[:D]



Link please, bro. this sounds beautiful.




Piles -> RE: Disapointing (27/8/2011 2:01:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wild about Wilder

Just have to say if this is so crap then so's 300?


Well yeah, 300 is god awful too.




Gretzky -> RE: Imitations?! (27/8/2011 2:39:12 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Olaf

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darth Marenghi


quote:

ORIGINAL: paul_ie86

What did you expect? It's not one of those nampy-pamby black and white arthouse films. It's was never going to win an Oscar. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?


Highly amused that Kim has just ripped Paul a new one on Facebook. I should probably tell him Paul was joking around.[:D]



Link please, bro. this sounds beautiful.


Joe Hill just retweeted it (how I saw it) : http://www.twitlonger.com/show/cm9snj




Piles -> RE: Imitations?! (27/8/2011 3:35:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gretzky


quote:

ORIGINAL: Olaf

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darth Marenghi


quote:

ORIGINAL: paul_ie86

What did you expect? It's not one of those nampy-pamby black and white arthouse films. It's was never going to win an Oscar. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?


Highly amused that Kim has just ripped Paul a new one on Facebook. I should probably tell him Paul was joking around.[:D]



Link please, bro. this sounds beautiful.


Joe Hill just retweeted it (how I saw it) : http://www.twitlonger.com/show/cm9snj


[sm=happy07.gif]

I just read this. It's difficult to see how he missed Paul's obvious irony. He pretty much just made the exact point that Paul was making.




Rgirvan44 -> RE: Imitations?! (27/8/2011 3:43:01 PM)

This is great. Poor Paul. [:D]




matty_b -> RE: Imitations?! (27/8/2011 3:46:15 PM)

[:D][:D][:D][:D]

Hold on though, does this mean Kim Newman reads threads that his reviews generate?

Maybe he'll learn to avoid huge spoilers in each and every review of his from now on.




paul_ie86 -> RE: Imitations?! (27/8/2011 3:57:05 PM)

Brilliant. [:D]

I've tweeted him to explain though




MonsterCat -> RE: Imitations?! (27/8/2011 5:27:05 PM)

You just got served, son.




princessa -> RE: Imitations?! (27/8/2011 7:04:05 PM)

Not my cup of tea.  The film bored me.  The plot couldn't carry it IMO but then again i wasn't expecting much so i wasn't disappointed. 

I thought Jason Momoa was quite good as Conan and the guy who played his side kick was pretty good as well.






bretty -> Added nothing of interest (27/8/2011 11:46:34 PM)

Just unimaginative, Empire got this one right with the 2 star review. An opportunity lost with a pretty good lead character but after that it was just a sense of poor and lazy plotting and nothing we haven't seen before.




briza3059 -> RE: Disapointing (28/8/2011 2:30:44 AM)

Id say that this was worse than 300, but that's not saying much. 300 had some really dynamic visuals but suffered from a bad script with really 2 dimensional characters.




hankeyjnr -> Absolutely spot on review... (28/8/2011 10:57:33 AM)

...no pride or passion for the story, just endless plot guffin, and none of the style or mood of the orginal. Jason Momoa did a more passable barbarian in Game of Thrones.




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