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The Worst Films Of 2013
The films not to see this year

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Well, they can’t all be Gravity. This may have been a largely fragrant year for film, but there had to be some stinkers. The law of averages demands it, and, as laws go, that one's a stickler. Here are the dirtiest dozen of the films released in cinemas this year...

WORDS OWEN WILLIAMS
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Scary Movie 5

SCARY MOVIE 5
Horror antagonists always come back from the dead, which is the only reason we can think of to account for the otherwise inexplicable arrival of Scary Movie 5, seven years after part four. Amid the disastrous attempts at humour, it took pot-shots at Sinister, Mama and the Evil Dead remake. If for some reason you wanted to defend it, at least you could give it credit for being up to date.

THE BIG WEDDING
Sarandon! De Niro! Keaton! Williams! Seyfried! Heigl! Barnes! Shite!

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD
Beethoven's Ode To Joy graced the trailer as always, but Die Hard 5 was a joyless, cynical, dispiriting, murky, lazy, disrespectful trickle of urine across the grave of a still-classic original. Those couples who turned out on February 14 were about to have a very bad date.
 
Only God Forgives
 
ONLY GOD FORGIVES
The fact that this also shows up on our best films of the year list demonstrates just how divisive the taciturn Gosling/Refn pummelfest was, even within this single office. Apparently, karaoke cops who can magic swords out of their backs just aren't for everybody.

THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES
Post-Twilight/Hunger Games, the clamour for the next megabucks book-based young adult franchise sent Screen Gems running to Cassandra Clare, with dreary results. The scattershot, all-over-the-place energy of the books is replaced with simple blandness, but still those who hadn't read Clare struggled to follow the proceedings. The dialogue, meanwhile, seemed to have been created with a random generator – especially the bit where they claim that Bach's music is just the thing for repelling demons.

THE LAST EXORCISM PART II
It's easy to snigger at a sequel to something with "last" in its title, but that was the least of the problems here. No fewer than two directors failed to do anything but grind any leftover goodwill from the excellent original into the dust, and the returning Ashley Bell, three years on, now looks too old for her role.
 
Diana
 
DIANA
"A screenplay based on questionable taste and tittle-tattle," said Angie Errigo in her Empire review. "Mills & Boon, low-brow and soapy... more terrible and tacky than one could have imagined." Somehow, it was the work of the director of Downfall. Naomi Watts (kind of) looked the part, but nobody could quite understand what she was thinking. "If you can't smell the fragrance, don't come into the garden of love," was the worst line, but it was a close-run thing.

 


G.I. JOE: RETALIATION
Weightless, kid-friendly CGI action that astoundingly managed to be worse than the Stephen Sommers original, despite having Bruce Willis and The Rock parachuted in to give the whole thing a bit of pep. Channing Tatum, wisely, got himself killed off early on. Despite the valiant efforts of Johnson and company to soldier on, it never really blew up.

MAY I KILL U?
"Please god, yes," said the four people that saw this witless killer cop satire.
 
The Family
 
THE FAMILY
Luc Besson sells a stereotyped France to the Americans once again, this time in a pedestrian gangster / witness protection comedy. Robert De Niro, Michelle Pfeiffer and Tommy Lee Jones go through the motions, which include a thuddingly obvious GoodFellas meta-moment.

30 NIGHTS OF PARANORMAL ACTIVITY WITH THE DEVIL INSIDE THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO
The title tells you everything you need to know – and is, unbelievably, better than the film itself. See also A Haunted House, Movie 43 and The Starving Games. Parodies: fuck alla y'all.

THE INTERNSHIP
An Internet-age comedy that would have felt dated ten years ago, The Internship coasted by on the easygoing charms of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson – and if you're not aboard that particular train, there's utterly nothing here for you. Most egregious is the central placement of Google as an aspirational utopia, but toughest to take was the running time of 73 hours (estimated). Frankly, Shawn Levy can stick his "googliness" up his Aasif Mandvi.

SHARKNADO
This was one of those Snakes On A Plane affairs beloved of Asylum and SyFy that exists only to get attention on Twitter for being stupid and rubbish. "So bad, it's good!" say credulous defenders who've been told they are allowed to think this by clever viral marketing. "Just so bad," say people capable of independent thought.
 
Movie 43
 
MOVIE 43
In his Empire Podcast interview, Stephen Merchant explained that he appeared in Peter Farrelly’s jaw-droppingly terrible sketch comedy anthology film because he couldn’t turn down the chance to see Halle Berry stir a bowl of guacamole with a prosthetic breast. That’s a fair excuse, but we await decent reasons for committing cinematic hara-kiri from Elizabeth Banks, Kristen Bell, Leslie Bibb, Kate Bosworth, Gerard Butler, Kieran Culkin, Josh Duhamel, Anna Faris, Richard Gere, Terrence Howard, Hugh Jackman, Greg Kinnear, Johnny Knoxville, Justin Long, Aasif Mandvi, Jack McBrayer, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Julianne Moore, Chloë Grace Moretz, Chris Pratt, Dennis Quaid, Liev Schreiber, Seann William Scott, Tony Shalhoub, Emma Stone, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman, Naomi Watts, Kate Winslet, Anton Yelchin, Seth MacFarlane and, of course, Halle Berry.
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Your Comments

21 Now You See Me
Literally the most convuluted and laxidasical film of 2013. The fact that it makes the Best of... list is a crime against humanity and cinema. More

Posted by adventurelandprog on Saturday December 14, 2013, 15:25

22 Grown Ups 2?
This is literally one of the worst films I have seen in my life. let alone just 2013. I genuinely felt dumber for having watched it - I was forced to, it wasn't by choice. I know it's meant to be a kids film, but it didn't even have a decent message to kids at the end, they literally solved their problems with a giant fight - That's right kids, violence is the best way to overcome any bullying or personal problem. More

Posted by contully on Saturday December 14, 2013, 14:44

23 Fair list
All of the above. I would also include Movie 43 and the thoroughly disappointing, overblown and tedious Thor: The Dark World. Surprised to see The Lone Ranger, Elysium and Byzantium appear in some comments: perhaps not the best movies, but entertaining twaddle nonetheless - and there have been far worse this year. More

Posted by rediconoclast on Saturday December 14, 2013, 12:49

24 Fair list
All of the above. I would also include Movie 43 and the thoroughly disappointing, overblown and tedious Thor: The Dark World. Surprised to see The Lone Ranger, Elysium and Byzantium appear in some comments: perhaps not the best movies, but entertaining twaddle nonetheless - and there have been far worse this year. More

Posted by rediconoclast on Saturday December 14, 2013, 12:37

25 Run for your wife!
Was from this year, no? More

Posted by bendoofus on Saturday December 14, 2013, 11:50

26 What are you saying?
Pacific rim was actually a great movie, should not be on here. And world war z was brilliant... Personally, Elysium was awful but empire rated it. And mortal instruments is getting a 2nd movie in the works, I don't know how everyone feels about that though:/ I think a good day to die hard was the worst for me!!! More

Posted by SammyH31 on Saturday December 14, 2013, 10:24

27 What are you saying?
Pacific rim was actually a great movie, should not be on here. And world war z was brilliant... Personally, Elysium was awful but empire rated it. And mortal instruments is getting a 2nd movie in the works, I don't know how everyone feels about that though:/ I think a good day to die hard was the worst for me!!! More

Posted by SammyH31 on Saturday December 14, 2013, 10:16

28 These are the worst
R.I.P.D, After Earth, The Family, Movie 43, The Lone Ranger, A Good Day to Die Hard, The Best Man Holiday, Paranoia, The To-Do List, Grown Ups 2, Scary Movie V, Peeples, Side Effects, Hansel & Gretel Witch Hunters, The Hangover Part 3 More

Posted by JamesPorter on Saturday December 14, 2013, 10:02

29
Insidious: Chapter 2. The first one was a great, if completely crackers horror throwback, but that one was just a mess. More

Posted by deathbat6661 on Saturday December 14, 2013, 09:43

30
good list, to the person talking about Oldboy's box office takings, yes it has only taken $4million but it has only been released in 583 cinemas, not a fair judgement although I agree it does not look good More

Posted by hellboyx on Saturday December 14, 2013, 09:05

31 Run for your wife!
Was from this year, no? More

Posted by bendoofus on Saturday December 14, 2013, 08:53

32 The Conjuring??
What about The Conjuring? It was like a bad TV movie - me and my wife chuckled through most of it despite a couple of good jumps. Overacting, comedy dialogue, predictable plot and yet Empire rated it, surprisingly More

Posted by markbick on Saturday December 14, 2013, 08:51

33 Missing two..
Erm, there are two films missing from this list (at least). Movie 43, took one of the most star packed casts in memory, and gave us an unfunny, lewd film, devoid of anything of merit. What the hell were they thinking? The Hangover Part III. What the hell was it meant to be? It's not a comedy, it's not an action, buddy film, it simply exists. There's the whiff of contractual obligation all over this mess, and it shows on screen. Dreadful. More

Posted by Kev2012 on Saturday December 14, 2013, 07:34

34 Missing two..
Erm, there are two films missing from this list (at least). Movie 43, took one of the most star packed casts in memory, and gave us an unfunny, lewd film, devoid of anything of merit. What the hell were they thinking? The Hangover Part III. What the hell was it meant to be? It's not a comedy, it's not an action, buddy film, it simply exists. There's the whiff of contractual obligation all over this mess, and it shows on screen. Dreadful. More

Posted by Kev2012 on Saturday December 14, 2013, 07:28

35 There appears to be some mistake.
You forgot After Earth. Not only the worst film of the year, but the worst film in living memory. More

Posted by darth statto on Saturday December 14, 2013, 07:06

36 Yup all shite!
The ones i saw from here were all shite&the others one i don't ever want to soil my eyes with, the only exception been maybe Only God Forgives which i haven't been able to bring myself to watch yet and obviously it seems it can go either way for people. I like Nicolas Winding Refn but if its anything like Valhalla Rising, which i don't care how many stars you gave, was an utter waste of 2hrs i'll probably hate it, although it does seem to have more to it then that crap. Always find when the word experimental is used though it can go quite dramatically either way. Would add some of the others that have been mentioned though like Byzantium, Pacific Rim&After Earth. More

Posted by fuzzy1659 on Saturday December 14, 2013, 01:53

37 Umm..,
No, it's not movie 42, but it's not the starving games or a haunted house. The point is its a parody, so they're changing the names. And although die hard deserves to be on here in comparison to the last four, without the previous four it does not really deserve to be on this list. More

Posted by Annekaelse on Saturday December 14, 2013, 00:43

38 Umm..,
No, it's not movie 42, but it's not the starving games or a haunted house. The point is its a parody, so they're changing the names. And although die hard deserves to be on here in comparison to the last four, without the previous four it does not really deserve to be on this list. More

Posted by Annekaelse on Saturday December 14, 2013, 00:43

39 Sigh...
How did Byzantium not make this list? I wanted my money back after that two hours of pretentious twaddle. And World War Z and Pacific Rim though this magazine would never dare question Del Toro. As for G.I. Joe ok it's not Citizen Kane but compared to the first one it was. I can only assume Owen Williams has no idea how much closer the sequel was to the source material than the terrible first one was. Empire has become very predictable of late. More

Posted by Mulholland Empire on Friday December 13, 2013, 23:31

40 Where is The Counsellor?
Have only seen two films on the list (Die Hard & GI Joe) and didn't see the rest as they looked likely to be poor, and quite possibly Diana is the worst film of the last decade but I haven't seen it. However I did see the big steaming pile of doo-doo that was The Counsellor. A great cast was wasted on a d-I-r-e Cormac McCarthy script, there was very little plot with a lot of stuff on screen that didn't drive the plot along at all and with the exception of when Brad Pitt was on screen it was very very boring. I've yet to speak to anyone who enjoyed it and I would recommend avoiding it at all costs. More

Posted by hotspur62 on Friday December 13, 2013, 22:51

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