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Empire's Review Of The year 2013 CLICK FOR MORE REVIEW OF THE YEAR 2013 FEATURES ›
The Worst Films Of 2013
The films not to see this year

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Well, they can’t all be Gravity. This may have been a largely fragrant year for film, but there had to be some stinkers. The law of averages demands it, and, as laws go, that one's a stickler. Here are the dirtiest dozen of the films released in cinemas this year...

WORDS OWEN WILLIAMS
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Scary Movie 5

SCARY MOVIE 5
Horror antagonists always come back from the dead, which is the only reason we can think of to account for the otherwise inexplicable arrival of Scary Movie 5, seven years after part four. Amid the disastrous attempts at humour, it took pot-shots at Sinister, Mama and the Evil Dead remake. If for some reason you wanted to defend it, at least you could give it credit for being up to date.

THE BIG WEDDING
Sarandon! De Niro! Keaton! Williams! Seyfried! Heigl! Barnes! Shite!

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD
Beethoven's Ode To Joy graced the trailer as always, but Die Hard 5 was a joyless, cynical, dispiriting, murky, lazy, disrespectful trickle of urine across the grave of a still-classic original. Those couples who turned out on February 14 were about to have a very bad date.
 
Only God Forgives
 
ONLY GOD FORGIVES
The fact that this also shows up on our best films of the year list demonstrates just how divisive the taciturn Gosling/Refn pummelfest was, even within this single office. Apparently, karaoke cops who can magic swords out of their backs just aren't for everybody.

THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES
Post-Twilight/Hunger Games, the clamour for the next megabucks book-based young adult franchise sent Screen Gems running to Cassandra Clare, with dreary results. The scattershot, all-over-the-place energy of the books is replaced with simple blandness, but still those who hadn't read Clare struggled to follow the proceedings. The dialogue, meanwhile, seemed to have been created with a random generator – especially the bit where they claim that Bach's music is just the thing for repelling demons.

THE LAST EXORCISM PART II
It's easy to snigger at a sequel to something with "last" in its title, but that was the least of the problems here. No fewer than two directors failed to do anything but grind any leftover goodwill from the excellent original into the dust, and the returning Ashley Bell, three years on, now looks too old for her role.
 
Diana
 
DIANA
"A screenplay based on questionable taste and tittle-tattle," said Angie Errigo in her Empire review. "Mills & Boon, low-brow and soapy... more terrible and tacky than one could have imagined." Somehow, it was the work of the director of Downfall. Naomi Watts (kind of) looked the part, but nobody could quite understand what she was thinking. "If you can't smell the fragrance, don't come into the garden of love," was the worst line, but it was a close-run thing.

 


G.I. JOE: RETALIATION
Weightless, kid-friendly CGI action that astoundingly managed to be worse than the Stephen Sommers original, despite having Bruce Willis and The Rock parachuted in to give the whole thing a bit of pep. Channing Tatum, wisely, got himself killed off early on. Despite the valiant efforts of Johnson and company to soldier on, it never really blew up.

MAY I KILL U?
"Please god, yes," said the four people that saw this witless killer cop satire.
 
The Family
 
THE FAMILY
Luc Besson sells a stereotyped France to the Americans once again, this time in a pedestrian gangster / witness protection comedy. Robert De Niro, Michelle Pfeiffer and Tommy Lee Jones go through the motions, which include a thuddingly obvious GoodFellas meta-moment.

30 NIGHTS OF PARANORMAL ACTIVITY WITH THE DEVIL INSIDE THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO
The title tells you everything you need to know – and is, unbelievably, better than the film itself. See also A Haunted House, Movie 43 and The Starving Games. Parodies: fuck alla y'all.

THE INTERNSHIP
An Internet-age comedy that would have felt dated ten years ago, The Internship coasted by on the easygoing charms of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson – and if you're not aboard that particular train, there's utterly nothing here for you. Most egregious is the central placement of Google as an aspirational utopia, but toughest to take was the running time of 73 hours (estimated). Frankly, Shawn Levy can stick his "googliness" up his Aasif Mandvi.

SHARKNADO
This was one of those Snakes On A Plane affairs beloved of Asylum and SyFy that exists only to get attention on Twitter for being stupid and rubbish. "So bad, it's good!" say credulous defenders who've been told they are allowed to think this by clever viral marketing. "Just so bad," say people capable of independent thought.
 
Movie 43
 
MOVIE 43
In his Empire Podcast interview, Stephen Merchant explained that he appeared in Peter Farrelly’s jaw-droppingly terrible sketch comedy anthology film because he couldn’t turn down the chance to see Halle Berry stir a bowl of guacamole with a prosthetic breast. That’s a fair excuse, but we await decent reasons for committing cinematic hara-kiri from Elizabeth Banks, Kristen Bell, Leslie Bibb, Kate Bosworth, Gerard Butler, Kieran Culkin, Josh Duhamel, Anna Faris, Richard Gere, Terrence Howard, Hugh Jackman, Greg Kinnear, Johnny Knoxville, Justin Long, Aasif Mandvi, Jack McBrayer, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Julianne Moore, Chloë Grace Moretz, Chris Pratt, Dennis Quaid, Liev Schreiber, Seann William Scott, Tony Shalhoub, Emma Stone, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman, Naomi Watts, Kate Winslet, Anton Yelchin, Seth MacFarlane and, of course, Halle Berry.
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Your Comments

1 RE: The Counsellor
L: Cat Lady The Worst Movie of 2013 in my opinion was Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas. hose don't even get released in the UK. Not even straight-to-video, I don't think. So I guess we win! More

Posted by Osric on Friday January 17, 2014, 12:47

2 RE: The Counsellor
I go to the cinema every week with my wife and a friend and even when one or two of us don't like a film the other(s) will like it or at least find some redeeming feature. After watching the bore-athon that is The Counsellor we all agreed it was utter tosh. In the words of Comic Store Guy 'Worst...film...ever', or at least 2013! More

Posted by hotspur62 on Thursday January 16, 2014, 13:11

3 RE: The Counsellor
The Worst Movie of 2013 in my opinion was Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas. More

Posted by Cat Lady on Wednesday January 8, 2014, 23:54

4 The Counsellor
This would be my number one purely as it had the cast, the director and the budget and still came up with the worst movie of 2013........ More

Posted by katiedaines on Tuesday December 31, 2013, 14:52

5
"Parodies: fuck alla y'all." When I first read that I worried you might have a jihad declared on you. Then I realised what you meant. More

Posted by rob robbington2 on Friday December 20, 2013, 10:26

6 RE: RE:
L: AxlReznor The title is "Worst Movies of 2013", not "Least Profitable Movies of 2013". Not that I think Kick-Ass 2 is a bad film. y point was more that it was popular enough for them to make a 3rd film of it. Even studios aren't stupid enough to make sequels to films that have totally bombed. Generally.... More

Posted by GrizBe on Thursday December 19, 2013, 11:35

7 Man of Steel
Come on that film was bloody stupid! Letting his Dad die instead of saving the dog, what a bastard! More

Posted by themaddogmax on Wednesday December 18, 2013, 18:33

8 RE:
L: J_BUltimatum Gravity deserves to be on this list... apart from Empire and a few critics, I (personally) have not met a single person who liked it.et new friends More

Posted by callumshell1 on Wednesday December 18, 2013, 17:17

9
Can we just say how the City of Bones trama apparently revolves around a love story between presumed brother and sister? And because thats not weird enough... Bach More

Posted by isahasnothing2do on Wednesday December 18, 2013, 17:08

10 I Give It A Year
I wouldn't even give it a second. More

Posted by allforusophia on Wednesday December 18, 2013, 15:54

11 RE: RE:
L: GrizBe L: elphantasmo How did Kick Ass 2 not make this list? rm.. because it made enough of a profit that a 3rd one is in the works? he title is "Worst Movies of 2013", not "Least Profitable Movies of 2013". Not that I think Kick-Ass 2 is a bad film. More

Posted by AxlReznor on Wednesday December 18, 2013, 10:17

12 What no Man of Steel??
Worst superhero movie since Super IV The Quest for Peace. Lets throw someone through a building for 30 mins............. More

Posted by Ledbowie on Wednesday December 18, 2013, 08:51

13 RE: RE:
L: Schwinn D. I respect that you have your independent opinions, but personal thoughts on the movie aside, even considering to put Gravity on the list is ludicrous, given that it is one of the best reviewed movies of the year and will probably take the oscar for best flick. I haven't even seen it, so who am I to say? but still you're the first I've heard to talk bad. While I'm at it...Les Mis came out last year and is a bloody masterpiece. Iron Man 3 was sub par in comparison to the first 2 films, but was still a admirable movie for the most part- not a horrible movie in my eyes. As for grown ups 2... what can I say? Just... you're dead on there. How did it not make the list? hey weren't considering putting Gravity on the list. They were trying to suggest that not all films can be the film of the year (i.e. Gravity) More

Posted by Evil_Bob on Tuesday December 17, 2013, 07:06

14 RE: RE:
I respect that you have your independent opinions, but personal thoughts on the movie aside, even considering to put Gravity on the list is ludicrous, given that it is one of the best reviewed movies of the year and will probably take the oscar for best flick. I haven't even seen it, so who am I to say? but still you're the first I've heard to talk bad. While I'm at it...Les Mis came out last year and is a bloody masterpiece. Iron Man 3 was sub par in comparison to the first 2 films, but was still a admirable movie for the most part- not a horrible movie in my eyes. As for grown ups 2... what can I say? Just... you're dead on there. How did it not make the list? More

Posted by Schwinn D. on Tuesday December 17, 2013, 04:23

15 RE: Aren't you guys forgetting something…?
It hasn't had a proper release yet in the UK (and having seen it, I can't think any of the studios/distributors are fighting to release it in 2014), but by far the worst film is saw this year was The Zero Theorem, hard to think of having seen such a dull boring load of auld shite in a long, long time. More

Posted by Indio on Monday December 16, 2013, 13:15

16 RE: Aren't you guys forgetting something…?
Not a bad list. I haven't seen all of them but Die Hard 5 definitely deserves it's place here and I don't really need to see Diana to know it's complete shite - it's had shite reviews across the board! I did see The Mortal Instruments though and although it is indeed crap, it's not one of the worst of the year! R.I.P.D and After Earth however, most definitely are!! R.I.P.D just pipping After Earth to first place on my list - just because of the massive waste of time, money, talent and well,.....everything really!! More

Posted by Artoo on Monday December 16, 2013, 11:07

17 Aren't you guys forgetting something…?
1. The Bling Ring. Why the hell isn't The Bloody Awful Vacuous Bling Ring on this list?! 2. Man of Steel 3. Rush. More

Posted by Mark David on Sunday December 15, 2013, 09:14

18 RE:
L: J_BUltimatum s to be on this list... apart from Empire and a few critics, I (personally) have not met a single person who liked it. Also erables be here as well as Iron Man 3 Grown Ups 2!! &o] More

Posted by Whistler on Sunday December 15, 2013, 00:33

19 Fair list
All of the above. I would also include Movie 43 and the thoroughly disappointing, overblown and tedious Thor: The Dark World. Surprised to see The Lone Ranger, Elysium and Byzantium appear in some comments: perhaps not the best movies, but entertaining twaddle nonetheless - and there have been far worse this year. More

Posted by rediconoclast on Saturday December 14, 2013, 20:21

20
Gravity deserves to be on this list... apart from Empire and a few critics, I (personally) have not met a single person who liked it. Also Les Miserables should be here as well as Iron Man 3 Grown Ups 2!! More

Posted by J_BUltimatum on Saturday December 14, 2013, 19:28

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