The fuzz buzz: Jack Sparrow's straggly bo-ho goatee, Barbossa's Stig Of The Dump-esque hobo number, Davy Jones' face full of tentacles; none of these affronts to facial growth can hold a candle to Will Turner's half-arsed attempt at growing a decent lip quiverer. Destined to live out his days on the ocean wave he might be, but it seems young Mr Turner's real curse is an inability to sport a passable man-tache.

Hair style? It looks like he's drawn it on with eyeliner!

Tache'll do Forget the kraken, the most disconcerting sight in this seafaring saga is Will's bumfluff.

Hirsutes you sir? A very poor effort from the worst pirate we have ever seen - 1/10.