The 2012 Olympics Opening Ceremony: What Can We Expect?
Posted on Thursday June 17, 2010, 16:45 by Helen O'Hara

It was announced today that Stephen Daldry (The Hours, Billy Elliott, The Reader) and Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, 28 Days Later, Slumdog Millionaire) will be in charge of the Opening Ceremony for the London Olympics in 2012. Obviously it's nice to hear that two of Blighty's finest will be overseeing the shindig, and will be in charge of making it both spectacular in execution and awesome in conception. But what can we expect to see from their Olympics adventure? We input all the data into Empire's steam-powered computing machine and odds extractor, and here's what came up as possible inclusions:

1. We open with two security guards chasing Paula Radcliffe, dressed as Virginia Woolf, around the stadium.

2. Then a one-armed mountaineer climbs up to light the Olympic flame while Ewan McGregor and Cameron Diaz sing Beyond the Sea. The flame is large enough and bright enough to outshine the Sun.

3. Sprinters with totally blood-red eyes chase cameramen down the 100-m track. There's a momentary pause after one unfortunate is caught and disembowelled.

4. Ed Harris topples slowly backwards off the high jump post while on the running track, the female stars of Stephen Daldry films compete in the women's relay, using their Oscars as a baton.

5. The synchronised swimming team enacts an unusual routine which seems them squeezing into the pool (specially set up in the middle of the stadium) through ten foul-looking toilets.

6. One lucky kid in the audience finds a suitcase full of money under their seat.

7. 12 year-old male ballet dancers complete a joyous Bollywood dance routine, with full chorus of miners, police, slumdogs, literary icons, illiterate Nazis, astronauts and suicides.

8. Bury FC carry the flag for Team GB.

9. Boris Johnson looks a bit awkward.

But seriously, it's good news, isn't it? And what do you expect from the ceremony?