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How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse
Empire’s guide to keeping your head – and your brains
Zombies, eh? You can’t live with ‘em and you can’t kill ‘em - largely because they’re already dead (bastards thought of everything). The best hope, as this week’s Juan Of The Dead proves, is to keep as far beyond their mouldy reach as possible, boink a few on the head and pray for science to save the day. Tread softly and carry a big cricket bat, as the man might say. Or, failing that, take a leaf out of Columbus’ book in Zombieland and “follow the rules”. So what are the rules? Columbus has a few and so do we. Read them and then tuck them into your pocket, because one day those shufflers on your morning commute really will be zombies. Warning: zombie readers please note that our undead definition includes all strains of undead and multiple apocalyptic scenarios. Don’t bite us for including zombie minority groups and the “Rage infected”.
WORDS PHIL DE SEMLYEN
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Tool Up!Zombies are tricky to kill. You can incinerate them or mush their brains with a well-placed shotgun round, but guns can run out of ammo and incinerations are prone to backfire spectacularly. Just ask flambéed teen zombie-baiters Tom and Judy in George Romero’s Night Of The Living Dead. Our advice? Improvise. If it’s sharp and/or capable of inflicting hefty cranial damage, bring it along.  So a colander, for instance, is a no-go; but trowels, secateurs, Molotov cocktails, cricket bats and Dire Straits LPs are all fine. A lawn mower, weapon of choice in Peter Jackson’s Braindead, is one zombie-splatting option for the garden lover; likewise the shovel in Hammer’s Plague Of The Zombies. Failing that, take a leaf out of Shaun Of The Dead’s book and make that Swingball pole count.
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Have Your Say
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| Your Comments |
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| 1 | RE: Wrong! | Neither are they actually Zombie's in 28 Days/Weeks, they aren't dead, they are just part of a virus. However, I still would link both to the zombie genre. More
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Posted by jwhite83 on Thursday May 3, 2012, 16:38 |
| | 2 | Again? | Didn't you already do something similar to this a couple of years ago? More
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Posted by edjones95 on Thursday May 3, 2012, 16:18 |
| | 3 | Wrong! | I Am Legend has VAMPIRES not zombies. More
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Posted by Vampire_Hermit on Thursday May 3, 2012, 15:04 |
| | 4 | | Baron Samedi was from Live and Let Die, not You Only Live Twice More
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Posted by benthemitchell on Thursday May 3, 2012, 14:51 |
| | 5 | | My advice would be to only ever think of your own survival. Bin off saving any kids! More
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Posted by borstal on Thursday May 3, 2012, 14:45 |
| | 6 | | But...Cillian Murphy is called Jim in 28 Days Later... More
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Posted by insanityforever on Thursday May 3, 2012, 13:00 |
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